In an unexpected turn of events, House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes today announced that he was recusing every other person involved in the House investigation of the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia.
“I have come to the conclusion that the only way to be sure of a fair and impartial evaluation of the facts of this case is to be sure that the facts of the case are impartially and fairly evaluated. I am famous, among anyone I’ve ever bothered to ask, for my impartiality, and, if I do say so myself, I am the fairest in the land. Therefore it only makes sense that I should run this investigation according to my standards of fairness.”
Nunes decision was a surprising one, coming, as it does, at a time when he is under intense scrutiny for his handling of the investigation. Critics have called for his recusal, citing his close ties to the Trump campaign. Nunes was quick to dismiss such talk “They’ve got it all wrong.” He said. “Who better to investigate these allegations than a person who already knows exactly what went on during that campaign?”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was quick to praise Nunes decision. “This is clearly the most efficient way to resolve these serious matters. With Nunes’ fair and impartial guidance, we will quickly come to the right conclusion, at which time we can move on to the big, important issues, like restricting what bathrooms people can use. Oh, and getting rid of food stamps and Medicare, those sorts of things.”
Nunes states that, under his singular leadership, we can expect a speedy resolution to this controversy , a possibility that would not exist under a different approach. “Other voices will simply muddy the waters and other delaying factors, such as witness testimony, or the presenting of evidence, will only mire us in hopeless red tape. What we need now is clear and decisive action to uncover the truth, which is whatever the President tells us it is. And he is famous for his grasp of the truth.”
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