In what he has hailed as a “huge step forward” in his job creation plans, President Donald J. Trump today announced a major hiring initiative. He is seeking plumbers and other skilled craftsmen to deal with, what has become an increasing problem in the early days of this administration, the rising waters of the Washington swamp.
The President campaigned heavily on the promise to “drain the swamp,” but, in the weeks since his inauguration, NASA satellites have documented a sudden and relentless increase in the depth of the waters. Top FEMA officials, speaking under condition of anonymity, expressed grave concerns about possible overflow into the surrounding states. One noted “It all flows downhill from here.”
The drain, installed, with moderate fanfare, on January 20th, appears to have been defective from the outset. Just minutes after completion of the work, swamp levels had visibly begun rising at an alarming rate. Amid growing public distress, administration officials have been hard pressed to find an acceptable explanation for the flooding. Kislyak-Flynn General Contractors, the firm responsible for the installation, have remained silent on the issue.
The President weighed in on the controversy in a series of tweets early Saturday morning. “Swamp drain clogged due to Obama’s poor plumbing. Shameful! Plumbers needed immediately.” This was followed, seconds later, by “More jobs created! Huge step forward! Promise kept!”
The President’s words seem to contradict statements made, less than a day earlier, by press secretary Sean Spicer. When reporters, standing in a fetid pool of water in the White House press room, questioned the administration’s response to the flooding, Spicer lashed out. “This is fake news!” he said, as he adjusted his snorkel. “Any appearance of overflow is merely the successful result of our efforts to stop leaks in this White House. Those efforts have been largely successful. That’s the real story here.”
EPA administrator Scott Pruitt was quick to address the issue. “It is the judgment of this department that the current situation is not the result of human activity. It is, rather, the result of a natural process of corruption which has been slowly underway since the formation of the planet, some 5 thousand years ago.”
Senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway addressed the issue of floodwaters, while appearing on “Fox and Friends” Friday morning. “I think this presents a perfect opportunity” she said, as she curled her feet onto the couch in an effort to avoid the noisome ooze, “to buy Ivanka’s new line of swimwear.”
While opponents of the administration regard the threatening glut as an existential crisis, others regard it as a unique opportunity. Several top administration officials told this reporter that the growing quagmire and the President’s hiring request, have given the administration cover to try a radically different approach to their governance. “Until further notice,” the source stated, in a dramatic departure from previous policy, “the White House will only hire candidates with the necessary qualifications for the required tasks.”
As of publication of this article, few details have been released about the available jobs. Pay is expected to be at the Federal minimum wage and, in keeping with current administration policy, no benefits will be provided.
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