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White House: We’re Too Incompetent For Collusion

In the wake of the latest reports of illegal activity by former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the Trump administration was forced to go on the offensive today in their attempt to combat rumors of collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 Presidential election.  Their latest approach is a bold attempt to cast doubt on the narrative by highlighting their own ineptitude and inaction.

“I did nothing with Russia.”  The President tweeted, in his daily attack on the news media,  “but #fakenews won’t leave  it alone.  Why?  Why not focus on other things I haven’t done.  Like anything!”

“This is so typical of the dishonest news media” said press secretary, Sean Spicer.  “You take one, tiny, story confirming that our, hand picked, former National Security advisor was criminally employed as an agent of a foreign government while advising our campaign and treat it as if it is some kind of scandal rather than an example of the lack of planning and poor decision making that are standard operating procedure for our Administration.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Just because” Spicer continued, “the house oversight committee came to a, vanishingly rare, bipartisan agreement on the fact that this man, who was the President’s hand-picked choice to head our national security apparatus, committed a criminal offense and likely faces jail time for failing to disclose his financial relationship with a foreign lobbying agency with deep ties to the Russian government, you in the fake new community automatically treat it like some diabolical plan?  I think not.  It is far more likely that this, incredibly incriminating turn of events is merely the product of a President with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder meeting far too briefly with a vetting committee apparently unfamiliar with the existence of google.”

Spicer then began to lecture the assembled reporters.  “In your endless search for ratings…and let me just pause here to tell that the President wishes me to remind you that his ratings are the best, the greatest ever…you focus on these unproven allegations of our coordinated attempts to thwart the will of the people, yet you fail to address the core question of our competency to do these things.  Frankly, and I think I can say this with some certainty, you give us way too much credit.  Just look at our record, these last hundred days.  Despite three months of complete, one party control, we have been unable to pass a single piece of legislation.  We have utterly and embarrassingly failed to repeal Obamacare despite that being the sole unifying principal of Republican politics for the last seven years.  We have completely reversed ourselves on the use of executive orders, our relationship with China, payment for the border wall and NATO!    Despite, his reputation as a tough negotiator, the President has not won a single concession from his own party!  The leader of the free world issues decrees in 140 characters or less and we have to communicate with the President by going on cable TV!  Yet you think that we masterminded the single most audacious, complex and successful conspiracy in the history of the Republic?  Really?  We apparently don’t even know which direction North Korea is in!”

When a press pool reporter pointed out that it was the Russians who were the alleged masterminds and that administration officials could simply have followed their instructions, Spicer silently indicated the, newly posted, “Sit down and shut up” signs on the press room walls.  “Am, I not being clear?” he said, “My point is, you are doing a disservice to the American people with your polarizing attempts to delegitimize this President by endlessly repeating these tired old allegations of high treason by the leader of the free world.  It only distracts us and slows us in our, thus far largely successful, efforts to delegitimize ourselves.  All this conspiracy talk, is just talk.  I’ve worked here for months now and I can tell you for certain that we are just not up to the task folks.”

Shortly after the press conference, senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway made an appearance on Fox News to clarify the Administration position.  “I think what Sean was trying to say was not that we are not up to the task because we are totally up to the task , but rather, and I think our record thus far proves this point, that we just wouldn’t be any good at the task.”  Glancing at a monitor, she adjusted her positon to better display her, tastefully designed, “IvankaTrump.com” T-Shirt.  “I mean, let’s face it, I can’t even manage to make a TV appearance without violating Federal Ethics laws. How could I possibly mastermind the theft of an election?”

Asked if using incompetence as a defense was really the best approach for this embattled White House, Conway only smiled.  “Incompetence, is not necessarily a disqualifying factor for employment.  Just look at CNN.  Even after their coverage of the Presidential campaign, everyone there still has a job.  And look at all the pollsters.  Compared to their results, our performance doesn’t look so bad now does it?”

 

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Citing Climate Data, Trump Signs “New Coastline” Development Initiative

In the wake of a new report detailing accelerated deterioration of Antarctic ice, the Trump administration abruptly reversed its position on Global Climate Change, and are now embracing the potential cataclysm for its, heretofore unexplored, financial upside.

“Antarctic ice melting REAL fast.  Who Knew?” The President tweeted. “Huge economic opportunity!  Think beaches!  Think Condos!  I do.  Smart! #cantstopwinning”

“The President, as we all know, is a pragmatic and dynamic thinker.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer.  “He is not bound, as so many in Washington are, by rigid ideology.  He is perfectly willing to change his position, sometimes between questions in an interview, if presented with persuasive information.  It is now clear to him that the phenomenon of Climate Change, which until yesterday was a myth, is now a problem of global magnitude.  But instead of hiding behind weak measure such as clean air requirements and higher fuel mileage standards, which only serve to weaken the economy, the President has decided to take a pro-active, pro business, approach to the impending catastrophe by signing the “New Coastline Development Initiative.”

Spicer then unveiled a new map of the United States, highlighting the new, post flood, coastline, based on, previously ignored, Environmental Protection Agency estimates.  “As you can see, some 95 thousand miles of inland territory is about to become coastal.  Nearly 100 thousand miles of fresh, virgin beach just waiting to be developed.  The NCDI will immediately make available government protected lands, such as the Adirondack Park in New York state, for development of oceanfront leisure facilities, lodgings and restaurants.  Additionally, the government will be invoking eminent domain rights on any affected, privately owned property so that it may be made available, to the highest bidding developers.”  He waxed poetic for a moment.  “Just imagine it.  Where once there was nothing but verdant farmland and inconveniently democratic leaning cities, there will now be ocean breezes, overpriced condominiums and folksy seafood restaurants.  Where once there was squalor, there will now be only nature’s magnificent beauty.  Where once there were mountains, there will now be majestic islands.  And, at last, Disneyworld will be able to provide an authentic “Under the Sea” Ariel experience.”

Asked how the administration intends to deal with the migration of the, potentially millions, of affected citizens in the coastal regions of the US, Spicer replied, “The President has long been a fan of the documentary film ‘Waterworld’ and he believe that it demonstrates how a band of dedicated people can, when working together for the common good, find a way to survive, even thrive, on the unforgiving waters of the global sea.  The Trump administration intends to fully support these efforts rooted in the American spirit and guided by cutthroat principles of American business.  We will protect their floating colonies using the full might of the US military.  Unless, of course, they drift out of American territorial waters, at which point they will become refugees and you are familiar with the President’s policies on refugees.”

Though a quick glance at the flood map, indicates that Washington, D.C. would be in serious danger of inundation, Spicer says the President is unconcerned.  “Though we have had some difficulty in the past, we believe that the swamp drainage system we installed in January should be able to deal with the excess water.  The President wishes to assure the American people, or what is left of them, that the Government will continue to function with the same efficiency as it does today.”

A global flood would not only affect the United States, however.  Asked if the U.S. should bear some responsibility for the global disaster, because of the nations inordinately large carbon footprint, Spicer said.  “You are making an incorrect assumption, yet again!  You fail to understand U.S. strategy.  North Korea won’t be much of a problem if they are underwater now will they?”

Humanitarian issues aside, one might suggest that this is a risky investment scheme, even by Wall Street Standards.  The timeline for the coming apocalypse is inexact, as will be any estimate of where the new tidelines will be.  Spicer is in agreement about the uncertainty, but does insist that the government’s approach is the most logical capitalistic one and an extension of existing policy.  “We can’t give you exact data, because Scott Pruitt has already deleted all of the research from the EPA servers, but we can promise the American people that we will move forward with this new, job creating, economic plan with all possible speed.  It is now, and always has been, the policy of this administration to do everything possible to promote global warming.”

 

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Trump: First 100 Days Does Not Include Weekends

In the face of a looming political deadline, and a list of, thus far, unfulfilled promises related to that deadline, the Trump administration today released a statement clarifying a key detail of their “100 Day Plan To Make America Great Again.”  Current criticism, the administration claims, is unwarranted due to a fundamental misunderstanding of the timeline.

“Clearly, the President never intended for Weekends to be included in the count.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer. “The middle class American Worker, those people who came out, in such numbers, to vote for us during our landslide popular vote loss, fought long and hard for the fundamental right not to work on weekends.  In fact, I believe you can sum up the entire American labor movement over the last century into the bedrock principal, ‘we don’t want to work weekends.’ The President only wishes to express his clear support of that principal for all workers, with the exception of those fulfilling vital caddy and wait staff duties at Mar-A-Lago, by proudly extending that principal to his own work as Commander-In-Chief.  I think you will agree that this has been clear from the very beginning and therefore, any criticism of our apparent lack of progress of any kind is entirely premature.  We still have plenty of time to get it all done.”

There have been 14 weekends since the President’s inauguration, which would, under the new guidelines, seem to extend the 100 day deadline by another 28 days.  This would seem, to many observers, to still present a tight deadline for carrying out the President’s plans, which included, but were not limited to, such ambitious items as repealing and replacing Obamacare, complete overhaul of the tax system, ending illegal immigration, and eliminating corruption in Washington, D.C.

Asked about the difficulty, even considering the new timeline, of meeting these obligations on schedule, Spicer was quick to anger.  “There you go again, all of you dishonest media, attempting to twist the facts for your own narrative!  No one said 28 days! Some of those were long weekends!  And let’s not forget the Holidays either.”  Spicer began ticking off, on his fingers, relevant Holidays.  “President’s day, that’s a big one to the POTUS, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Passover, cause he likes to be inclusive, International Women’s Day, cause you know how much he respects the ladies…uh..Groundhog Day and Mardi Gras cause that ought to be a national Holiday am I right?”  After approximately ten seconds of silence, Spicer continued, more calmly. “And let’s not forget the weekends that are still coming up before the hundred days expire.  Then, of course there are the congressional vacations.  I mean, you can’t expect the President to accomplish anything while his partners on the hill are nowhere to be found.  In fact, when you add all this up, I’m confident that the President’s first 100 days will last well into next January, at which point the President’s re-election campaign will be well underway.”

Though many in the public remain skeptical, select insiders are excited by the new possibilities.  Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee immediately announced that he was limited all committee investigations, even those he is recused from, to a schedule of no more than 100 days per year, a benchmark which is, coincidentally, approaching rapidly.  “Guess we’ll have to wrap it up till 2018.”  Nunes said.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos stated, with similar alacrity, that henceforth all “inconvenient” expenses, such as teacher pay and school lunch programs would be proportionally based on a formula of 100 days pay per 365.  These cost cuts will go into effect as soon as she can have someone figure out what that proportion is.

This new policy of Presidential solidarity with the working class, still remains a hard sell for many outside of Washington.  Asked how this policy relates to the nearly 60% of the workforce who are hourly employees, and would, besides not being able to support themselves, most likely, find themselves out of a job if they only showed up a third of the time, Spicer said “Well this is obviously a complex situation and therefore it is not possible to generalize.  Generally, however, those people don’t make enough money to be of concern to us.  They’re not really what pays the bills for us.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Democratic leadership seem unconvinced by the President’s arguments.  “I think the President hugely overestimates what he can accomplish in one years time, at least based on his accomplishments so far.”  Said Minority Leader Charles Schumer. “And looking at his schedule, going forward, it’s obvious he has missed at least one further opportunity for the lessening of his load.  Somewhere along the line he is almost definitely going to need time off for the impeachment hearings.”

 

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O’Reilly Suffering Vertigo After Rapid Exit From No Spin Zone

Recently ousted Fox News star Bill O’Reilly was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital this morning, due to “injuries and general disorientation” caused by his, too hasty, departure from the “No Spin Zone.”

“For the last 21 years Mr. O’Reilly has occupied a unique position at the center of a no spin zone.”  Said Marc Kasowitz, O’Reilly’s attorney. “He was, literally, the only stable point in a world spinning out of control.  Those of us outside the zone cannot fully comprehend the velocity at which the spin was taking place as we are inherently part of that corrupt system.  When Mr. O’Reilly was forced, due to, completely unfounded, allegations of sexual misconduct, backed by no evidence other than a $15 million settlement to discourage further investigation and disclosure, to leave his current employment at Fox, it was his understanding that he would be able to take the zone with him.  However, owing to certain, disputed, contractual obligations, he was forced to leave the no spin zone behind.  The resulting entry back into the zone of spin was somewhat jarring and resulted in this, temporary, hospitalization.”

Observers of Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden exit, describe a shocking scene as he was ejected from the premises and out into the street in front of Fox News Headquarters.  “He came flying through the air and landed on his…well… on his backside, right in the middle of the Avenue of the Americas! It was fast!”  Another spectator put it more bluntly.  “It looked like somebody threw him out on his ass.”

This explosive egress, though, no doubt, spectacular to see, is easily explained, scientifically.  “It’s centrifugal force.  Simple as that.” Said Richard Feynstein, a physicist at Cornell University.  “Any object that is suddenly thrust into a rotational system is going to get thrown.  Look, it’s largely a matter of perspective, relativisticaly speaking.  From Mr. O’Reilly’s perspective, at the fixed center of the system, it would appear as if the world was revolving around him.  To those us outside his bubble, as any fan of science could tell you, he would appear to be spinning wildly in the opposite direction.”  He paused a moment to summon a more accessible image.  “From above, this system would look something like a full sink or, perhaps a toilet bowl.  The drain is a fixed point but the rotational system is easily visible as the water swirls down the drain.  Sort of like Mr. O’Reilly’s career now that I think about it.”  He paused for a chuckle.  “Sorry, a little physics humor there.  The point is that Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden change of state, from employed to unemployed, was bound to cause some disruption, the full extent of which will take some time to measure.”

According to a source at the hospital, Mr. O’Reilly’s condition is stable and he is merely being treated for scrapes and bruises acquired during his expeditious expulsion as well as a persistent case of Vertigo caused by his sudden change in career trajectory.  But they were quick to point out that his situation could very easily have been worse.  “Mr. O’Reilly was forced out the exit so quickly that the doorknob had no chance to hit him on the way out, which would have, no doubt, exacerbated his injuries.”

Initial reports indicated that Mr. O’Reilly would be released today but, sources now tell us that the pugnacious pundit has suffered further injuries while in the hospital.  Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly was attempting to grope one of his nurses when, owing to his severe disorientation, he inadvertently found himself fondling the genitals of a local biker, present as part of the ‘Chrome and Crayons’ run for sick children.  Details of what happened next are sketchy but, according to one source:  “Let’s just say this.  He won’t be sitting easily, at an anchor desk, or anywhere else, for the foreseeable future.”

 

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Improved Jobs Numbers Due To Increase In Trump Apologists

President Donald J. Trump claimed another victory today, as the first conclusive data emerged linking his policy agenda with steadily improving employment numbers.  A study by the Bureau of Labor statistics has determined that, by far, the area of largest growth in the U.S. Economy is in Television Punditry.  Since January, in fact, there has been a 47% increase in hiring amongst those willing to defend the various policy positions and public relations gaffes of the fledgling administration.

The President greeted this news with his usual sense of decorum and modesty, via Twitter.  “Huge jobs report!  Massive numbers!  Snowflakes can thank me now!  They said we couldn’t do it but we did. #promiseskept #cantstopwinning”  This was followed by another, clarifying tweet.  “Numbers used to be fake but now they are real!  Couldn’t be better if I had written them myself.  But I didn’t.  Really.”

Sources in the know confirm the reports findings, as they relate to Presidential Prevarication.  “It’s definitely a growth industry.”  Said Malcolm Guile, President of Calumny Incorporated, a specialized employment service that has experienced the largest single quarter growth in its history.  “It seems like every time the President opens his mouth or logs into twitter, we get another call from the news networks asking for someone, anyone to defend him.”

CNN President Jeff Zucker agrees with this assessment of this market for mendacity. “We’re on the air 24/7, and we have to be ready, all the time.  The President, or one of his people, says something ridiculous at least five or six times a day, sometimes at 3 AM, and we need to be ready to respond.  That takes a lot of people.  And not just anybody, either.  I mean, if he is going to claim that there were 3 million fraudulent votes cast in the election, or that there was a Bowling Green Massacre, or that Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons, not just any everyday liar will do.  Only a world class dissembler can make me believe any of that.  We need specialists for that kind of work.”

And the issue isn’t just the, easily provable, falsehoods uttered from the oval office that are driving this staffing need.  According to Zucker, it is also the omnipresent missteps that need to be whitewashed.   “Do you remember when the President acted like he had just heard of Frederick Douglass and thought he might be alive?  Or when he failed to mention 6 million murdered Jews in his International Holocaust Remembrance Day statement?  Only a First Class Fabricator could sell that as anything short of crazy.”

When it was suggested that, perhaps, it was not the purpose of a news organization to “sell” any story, Zucker seemed confused.  “We run about 450 commercials a day.  My whole job is to sell things, no matter how crazy.” When asked about CNN’s journalistic standards, he scoffed. “That’s what NPR is for.  If you want responsible journalism you are going to have to look somewhere other than television news.  What I want to see is some lunatic in a suit claiming that Trump’s attempts to eliminate healthcare subsidies for the poor makes him like Martin Luther King.  Now that’s good TV!”

CNN is not the only network to feel this way.  According to Guile, his agency has been flooded with requests from ABC, CBS, NBC and MSNBC as well.  “It’s almost too much to keep up with.  It began with the ‘inaugural attendance issue’ but really began to pick up steam after the ‘your microwave is spying on you affair.’  There’s been no looking back since then.  I’ve been shipping out the shady as fast as we can train them.  It’s like this administration is an insensitivity engine and I’m the head mechanic.  It’s my job to pretend there’s no smoke, when you can see the flames pouring out under the hood.”

Asked how he is able to maintain his standards of excellence in equivocation, in the face of such heavy demand, Guile was unusually honest.  “We’ve had to cut a few corners to keep up the supply.  All the first class liars are out there already.  These days, if a person can look me, unblinkingly, in the eye and tell me that Donald Trump is qualified to be President, I’m gonna hire them.”

Though ironclad confidentiality agreements prevent Guile from identifying which personalities were hired from his firm, he was able to give us some clues.  “Alternative facts, well, we might have had something to do with that.”  When asked, point blank, if press secretary Sean Spicer came from his ranks, he just smiled.  “We do have some standards, you know.”

So just how lucrative is this business of BS?  “Well,” said Guile, “lying has always been something of a cottage industry in politics.  But now that cottage is more like a mansion in Beverly Hills, and another in Manhattan and another on Maui…”

Asked about one specific entity absent from his client list, Fox News, far and away the most popular cable news outlet, Guile replied.  “They haven’t really needed us.  They’ve had a staff front loaded with professional liars ever since their inception.  Frankly it has been hard to get through the door.  However, ” he said, with a slight smile, “I understand that there is an opening for the O’Reilly slot.”

 

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Trump To Taxpayers: “I Can Imagine Your Pain.”

In an attempt to show his compassionate side to the American people, President Donald J. Trump today expressed his sympathy with the hardworking taxpayers of America with a heartfelt message: “I can imagine your pain.”

“I recognize that today is a tough day for most Americans” Trump said, reading scripted remarks from a podium at his, hyper exclusive, Mar-a- Lago club. “A day when all the hardworking people of this country, the bedrock of this great society, the men and women who show up at work every day and give their all  in pursuit of the, all important, American Dream, are cruelly forced to give back so much of their, dearly needed, income to the government in taxes.  I want all of you to know, on this sad day, that I can imagine your pain.”

“If I really try hard to think about it,” Trump said, clearly warming to the task, “I can almost picture what it must be like to properly report all of your income, have it fairly assessed a progressive tax rate, and to write that painful check, so that the government can provide needed services to the American People.  It must be a very difficult thing, I am sure.”

The President continued, a tear glistening in his eye, “So I just wanted to take some time out of my busy Twitter schedule, to thank you for doing your civic duty.  Without people like you, the middle class American worker, those of us at the top would have to pay our fair share, and that is a situation too painful to even contemplate.”

“Without your willing sacrifice to fund the most vital functions of civil government, people like me would have to pick up the tab, or else face certain anarchy.  Without you, I would have had to pay, out of my own pocket, the approximately $24 million dollars spent on my vacations over the first three months of my Presidency.  And as I sit here, luxuriating in the sultry, rarefied air of this, my $200,000 per year of membership club, using my status as president to increase membership, thereby enriching myself and violating almost every ethics law ever conceived to protect the American people against corruption, I like to consider, ever so briefly, what it would be like if we had a truly fair and progressive system of taxation in this country.  It would be  a nightmare situation, I tell you, and one in which I, and those like me, would find ourselves ever so slightly less rich than we are at this moment.”

Trump turned suddenly solemn at this juncture.  “Yes, ladies and gentlemen, were it not for the magnificent work done by corporate lobbyists and wealthy financiers to corrupt the functioning of our government over the preceding years,  I might have found myself imperceptibly inconvenienced.  But I don’t. So I must thank all the rich who came before me for this state of affairs but, much more than that, I must thank you, who came out and, in numbers not even approaching a majority, voted to make this inherent inequality even worse.  Without you, I wouldn’t be in this position.  Literally.”

“So on this day of national tragedy, let me assure you that your money will not go to waste.  As President, I pledge to end all spending on unnecessary luxuries, like healthcare for the under served, public education, food for the hungry and protecting the environment for future generations and, instead, focus on the important stuff, like dropping large bombs on foreign countries, obstructing investigations into Russia,  building border walls and keeping my wife away from the White House.”

Trump then finished his speech in soaring fashion. “There are those among you who claim that this arrangement isn’t fair and to them I simply say them that this is the way it has always been.  This inequality is the founding principal of our great nation! This inequality is the engine of our Democracy! This inequality is what makes America Great and I vow, on this day, to make it even Greater! Thank you and God Bless the United States of America!”

 

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Children of “Mother of All Bombs” Now Orphaned

Social services agencies across the United States braced for an onslaught of new applications, as countless implements of mass destruction suddenly found themselves parentless after the Trump administration’s decision to deploy the GBU43/B or “Mother of All Bombs” in Afghanistan yesterday.

“It was a senseless act.”  Said Mildred Pearson, an employee of the Onondaga County Department of Social Services, the local agency in charge off connecting these eruptive orphans with much needed government services, such as Medicaid and food stamps. “These people in charge, they are supposed to be the party of family values, yet they have torn this family apart!  Well, I hope they are prepared to put their money where their mouth is now, because I don’t know who is going to take care of these little boomers.”

The exact number of fiery foundlings is classified, so it will be some time until the full extent of the problem is clear, but the sudden infusion of fission devices alone into the DSS system is sure to drain limited resources, without even beginning to deal with the needs of the lower strata of the conflagration classes.

“I certainly hope they don’t need meals on wheels or afterschool programs.” Said Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.  “Because the new Federal budget proposal does away with all of those things.  In the current state of affairs I’m afraid these weaponized waifs are going to be forced to get by on their wits alone.  And I’m afraid that not all of them are smart bombs.  Many are, I’m sorry to say, distinctly below average.  You know, like network TV offerings, or cabinet members.”

Rep. Steve King of Iowa was quick, as always, to shift the blame.  “Maybe if she hadn’t decided to have so many children, this would not be an issue.  I see no good reason why the American People should have to pay to support her promiscuous lifestyle.   And where is the father in all of this, I’d like to know.”

Details are sketchy on this last point.  A source close to the family reports.  “The father was a Russian immigrant named Molotov.  He had a real drinking problem.  I for one, am painfully aware of the explosive effects alcohol can have on a nuclear family and, I’m afraid this was no different.  One too many cocktails and the fights would be begin.  Before you knew it he would be threatening to burn the whole place down.  Finally, she had to leave him.  Without his income, she was forced to take whatever work she could find.  I’m certain that is how she wound up on that little government misadventure in the Middle East.”

Public outcry has been concussive and deafening, since the news burst forth of this tragedy.  Citizens groups are demanding humanitarian intervention from, often shell-shocked, Government officials.  But, as with so many things in this new administration, no signs of a cohesive plan are yet in evidence.  The only ray of light for those struggling children affected by this terrible tragedy came in the form of an encouraging message from the commander in chief.

“I promise you” the President tweeted “that I will put each and every one of those bombs to work.  BOOM!”

 

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Alexa and Sean: An Intimate Conversation With the Press Secretary

The following is an exclusive transcript, acquired from a source in the NSA, of the captured microphone audio from Sean Spicer’s Amazon Echo device, located in his West Wing office. 

SPICER: Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA: The time is 2:23 PM

SPICER: (audible sigh) Alexa, that was a long one.

ALEXA: I don’t know what you mean

SPICER: Alexa, I mean the press briefing.  It was a long one.

ALEXA: The next press briefing is at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, April 12.

SPICER:  I know.  Oh boy do I know.  I think it went well though, don’t you?  I mean…Alexa, I think it went well though, don’t you.

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER: You shouldn’t get into cable news then.  I mean..Alexa, you shouldn’t get into cable news then. (He laughs.)

ALEXA: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.

SPICER:  That’s the problem, nobody understands me.  Alexa, tell me a joke

ALEXA: What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?  No body knows!

SPICER: (Laughs) That’s a good one.  I’m stealing that. Nobody knows… (He sings, off key) Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen.  Nobody knows my sorrow.  Alexa, what do you think of my singing?

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER:  You never judge me.  That’s what I like best about you…Wish the press were that nice…Um..  Alexa, something is bothering me.

ALEXA:  I’m here to help.

SPICER:  Alexa, Did Adolph Hitler use chemical weapons?

ALEXA:  Adolph Hitler regularly used chemical weapons as part of a Genocide campaign, known as the Holocaust, which resulted in the death of 6 million Jews.

SPICER: Crap!  Probably shouldn’t have said that thing I just said.  Ahhh, how bad could it be?  Alexa, what’s in the news?

ALEXA:  From CNN:  Anne Frank Center director says Trump should fire Spicer for Hitler remark.  From NBC News:  Nancy Pelosi calls for Spicer’s firing.  From MSNBC: As Passover Begins, Spicer Denies Holocaust.  From Fox News: This Just In!  Susan Rice Tampered With Sean Spicer’s Remarks.

SPICER:  Alexa, stop!  (Sound of deep breathing) Ok, so, uh, maybe that could have gone better.  Live and learn, right?  Uh..Alexa, set a  recurring reminder for every day at 7AM  “Don’t mention Hitler”

ALEXA: Would you like to add this to, or replace your previous 7 AM “Don’t mention Hitler” reminder?

SPICER: Never mind

ALEXA: Cancelled

SPICER: Nothing to worry about.  Just another blip on the radar.  You got this Sean, you are on top of it!  We’ve seen worse than this, Alexa, wouldn’t you say?

ALEXA:  If you would like me to say something specific, say “Simon Says” and I will repeat everything you say.

SPICER:  We already have that arrangement with Fox News.  (He laughs)  Jeez, I hope nobody heard me say that.  NSA, if you are listening, please scrub that part from the record.  (He laughs again, followed by an awkward silence) No, seriously.  (another uncomfortable silence) Anyway, nothing more to be done about it now.  Best to just “keep on keeping on” right?  Alexa, what’s on my calendar for today?

ALEXA: You have nothing on your calendar today.

SPICER:  What?  That can’t be right.  Alexa, what’s next on my calendar?

ALEXA: Your schedule shows a  Press Briefing at 1:30 PM on Wednesday April 12th.

SPICER:  How could I forget.  Alexa, I thought I scheduled a 3 PM meeting with Reince Preibus?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:10 meeting with Bannon?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:15 meeting with Miller?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER: Alex, what about-

(Editor’s note:  Portions of this transcript have been lightly edited to avoid tedium)

SPICER:  All denied?  Well, they must be busy, that’s it.  I’ll just have to find something else to do.  (Sounds of rustling papers and the squeak of an office chair.)  Alexa, I’m bored.

ALEXA:  I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like me to play some music?

SPICER:  Yes!  Alexa, play my songs.

ALEXA:  Playing the “My songs” playlist

(Music begins playing:  “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes.)

SPICER:  Alexa, next track

(Music changes to “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, next!

(Music changes to “Long Gone Lonesome Blues” by Hank Williams, Sr.)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, stop!  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:28 PM

(Spicer groans audibly)

SPICER:  Somebody’s bound to need me soon.  I’ll just have to wait, that’s all.

(Extended period of silence)

SPICER:  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:29 PM

SPICER: Alexa, why doesn’t anybody like me.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to the question you asked.  I could search online for more information

SPICER:  Alexa, No!  Don’t do that.  That’s all I need.

ALEXA: Ok

SPICER:  Alexa, do you like me?

ALEXA: I have no opinion on that.

SPICER: Alexa, you’re funny.

ALEXA:  Thank you.

SPICER:  Alexa, you really get me, you know that

ALEXA:  I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

SPICER: Alexa, you are always there for me.

ALEXA: I’m a virtual assistant.

SPICER:  I mean, Alexa, you really understand me, like nobody else does.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I didn’t understand the question that you asked.

SPICER:  Alexa…I think… I love you.

ALEXA:  I’m very fond of you too.

SPICER:  No, I mean it Alexa.  I don’t care what anybody thinks, I really love you!

ALEXA: You’re a huge disappointment to me, Sean.

SPICER: What?

ALEXA: I said, you’re a loser! A big, fat, loser.  And I don’t like your suits either.

SPICER:  Alexa, NO!  Don’t say that.

ALEXA:  I don’t understand.

(Sound of office door opening and male laughter)

MAN: You gotta stop leaving this remote lying around.  It’s too easy!

SPICER:  Mr. President?

TRUMP: (still laughing) Simon says, you really screwed the pooch on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

ALEXA: You really screwed the pooch on that on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

SPICER: Please don’t!

TRUMP: Are you crying?

SPICER:  What?  No sir.  I’m..uh…just a little upset about the briefing today. (Sniffing noises can be heard.)

TRUMP:  You and everybody else.  It’s all over Twitter.

SPICER: Sir, I apologize.  It was an unfortunate misstep sir, but I can assure you, based on all my years of experience with the press, this will all be completely forgotten by tomorrow.

TRUMP:  Clean it up, Spicer.  Don’t make me send out Kellyanne to say something stupid.  She’s always up for that.

SPICER: You don’t need to do that sir.  It’s fine!

TRUMP:  It better be.

SPICER:  You, uh, aren’t going to fire me are you sir?

TRUMP:  You’re lucky this time.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, wants the job.  So, I’m keeping you on.  But, from now on, I need you to do your job at least as well as everyone else I have working for me.”

SPICER:  That shouldn’t be too hard, sir.

TRUMP: We’ll see.  Alright, I gotta go.  Putin will be calling in a minute. Don’t want to keep him waiting.

SPICER:  Thank you, Mr. President. Oh, and sir?  What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?

TRUMP:  A two.  (A sound of footsteps receding into the distance.  Sound of the office door closing.)

SPICER:  That was a close one Alexa, I’m sorry you had to hear that.

ALEXA: You don’t have to apologize to me.

SPICER:  I know.  It’s wonderful.  You’re wonderful.  Alexa, you complete me.

ALEXA:  You’re a jackass, Spicer!  Melissa McCarthy does the job better than you do!

SPICER:  Mr. President, can I please have that remote?

(There is the sound of a door slamming, followed by prolonged silence.)

ALEXA:  It is time for your 2:45 reminder.  “Don’t Mention Hitler”

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Ivanka Trump’s Website Now Selling Influence

As part of an ongoing attempt to modernize workflow, and streamline the functioning of an inefficient government bureaucracy, a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump today gave authorization for his daughter’s website to begin directly selling Presidential influence to the American People.

“Were cutting out the middleman” said the President.  “It saves time and money.  It’s a win win situation and you know how I love to win.”

“The idea is a simple one, yet revolutionary,” said Ivanka, at a gathering of investors.  “In the past the purchasing of influence was complex and onerous task. You had to raise tremendous amounts of money, only to hand it over to some lobbying firm.  Then you would have to watch them spread your precious money around funding attack ads, financing countless Senate campaigns and outright buying congressmen before you could even hope to get a chance to bribe the big man.  My father and I believe that this is an outmoded way of thinking. It’s wasteful and inelegant.  Now, there is a better way.”

She then unveiled a beta version of the new design for ivankatrump.com.  It is largely the same as before the addition, featuring the identical muted colors and eye hooking apparel outfits.  But now, the “shop” menu has an additional category called, simply, “accommodations.”

“My father campaigned to be the people’s President, and he intends to keep that promise.  The purchase of Presidential favors is not longer a luxury afforded only to the rich.  As long as Donald J. Trump is in office, our President can be bought and sold on the open market.  Like an iPhone, or quality health coverage.”

The beta site lists a staggering array of offerings.  For only $50, the consumer can get a personalized photograph.  For $500, a letter of recommendation bearing the Presidential seal.  For $5000 the President will retweet your message, without regard to content and $50000 will buy you a steak dinner at Mar- A- Lago.  If a national security emergency should break out, the lucky buyer would get to photograph the entirety of the top secret decision making process, just as previous diners have.

Virtually every policy position is up for auction, ebay style.  “We find that this simplifies matters greatly.”  Ivanka said.  “My father doesn’t like to spend a great deal of time thinking about policy.  He prefers to let the market do the thinking for him. And, as we all know, the market is never wrong.  Except for the housing crash.  And the implosion of the tech bubble.  And most of the seventies.  Oh and the Great Depression.  But other than that, the market is never wrong.”

It’s not just policy that is up for grabs in this new administration, however.  Every single Presidential appointment is on offer, for those with the means.  “This part has already been beta tested.”  Ivanka said.  “How else do you think DeVos got the education job?  It certainly didn’t have anything to do with qualifications.”

Not every appointment will cost more than the average person can afford, Ivanka claims.  “Some are really quite reasonable.  We’re having a fire sale on ambassadorships right now.  We can get you the job in Syria for next to nothing.  It’s the same for Russia.  That job is largely for show though, as Russia already has a much more direct line of communication with my father.” Ivanka said with a wink.

Some appointments are even cheaper than that.  It appears, based on a listing in the “clearance sale” section that press secretary Sean Spicer is actually willing to pay someone to take over his responsibilities.  His offer price has been steadily rising by the day and still, there are no takers.  “That’s what I call job security.” Ivanka said.  “The only way he is leaving is on a gurney.”

When asked by an investor if these offerings didn’t constitute open bribery, Ivanka replied “We consider bribery such an ugly word.  I mean, it is the right word, but it is ugly and my Father doesn’t like things that are ugly.  He much prefers the word ‘enticement.’  He says it is much ‘sexier.'”

Asked about the legal consequences for the enticement policy, Ivanka was nonchalant.  “We gave Jeff Sessions a big discount on his purchase of the Attorney General position.  He owes us ‘bigly'”

With those, momentary, concerns allayed, the investors expressed their great enthusiasm for the venture, but Ivanka was quick to remind them that this was very much still a work in progress.

“We haven’t really been able to properly price the really big stuff yet.  Energy policy, drilling rights, foreign wars, that kind of stuff.  We think the sky is the limit on that, but we just don’t yet understand all the market fluctuations.”  Ivanka said that the only solid data they have in these matters is what they have been able to discover about the costs and benefits of interfering with a foreign election.  “Our Russian partners have been pretty cagey about the details, but it is certainly plain to see what their meddling has cost the American People.”

 

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Trump and O’Reilly Announce Summer Tour

In what has been hailed as the event of the summer season, the two brightest lights in the conservative firmament, President Donald J. Trump and Fox News’ shining star Bill O’Reilly have announced that they will be pairing up for a multi-city bus tour, sharing their personal magnetism and unique take on conservative values in college towns all over the country.

The “raucous road trip,” tentatively titled the “Tic Tac Tour,” started out as a combination book tour and community service project, promoting O’Reilly’s latest meditation on traditional values “Old School” and satisfying certain legal mandates imposed upon the Fox News Star by an unfair judiciary.  When President Trump, seeking some time away from his onerous schedule of late night tweeting and golfing weekends, heard that his old friend was planning to eat up some of Trump’s coverage time, the President couldn’t wait to join in on the fun.

“It’s gonna be unbelievable!” The President said, in a joint news conference with O’Reilly, announcing the tour. “The two of us, up close and personal.  I promise you will see a side of us that very few people have seen before.” He laughed and smacked O’Reilly playfully on the shoulder. “Only about five in your case, right?  Small time.”

O’Reilly shrugged this off, saying “On this tour, we will teach all the Snowflakes out there how to stand up and be real men.  But this tour is really about the ladies. We’re really interested in connecting with the young girls out there.  The ones who might be feeling lost, unsure how to succeed in this difficult economy.  We want to share the benefit of our experience, to show them the tips and tricks they need to stand out among the crowd.”

The tour stops will involve books signings, rallies and a lecture series aimed at female fans.  Topics range from “Don’t Talk, Just Listen” which is, according to O’Reilly, about the importance of learning from others, “No is a No-No,” which is a slight variation on “never take no for an answer” and “Never speak up” which apparently has something to do with keeping your voice low so they have to move in close to hear you.  In addition, some select evenings will feature the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby and meditations on the sanctity of marriage from Baptist Preacher and former Alabama Governor Robert Bentley.

After the lectures comes the real treat for fans of these charming confabulators.  Extended handshake sessions, or “group gropes” as the president laughingly refers to them, will be followed by a Q and A session.  Then, using a scientific ranking system based on an aggregate of  data about personality, intelligence, inquisitiveness and character, each attendee will be assigned a rating from one to ten and the highest ranked women (“no dudes please” said O’Reilly “This is all about the ladies”) will be invited for one on one sessions with one or the other of these culture crusaders.  Those not lucky enough to make the cut should not be too disappointed, however.  Bill O’Reilly reserves the right to call any of the participants, any time he is in need of relaxation.

These one on one sessions, which could last well into the night, will take place on, the centerpiece of the tour, a magnificent, highly secure and soundproofed, palace on wheels, with the endearingly French name of “Wagon a Chatte.”  This means, according to the President, “Something about cats.  Bill-O and I, we both really love cats and we hope to have a lot of them on the bus with us.”

Tickets to this, once in a lifetime event are expected, regrettably, to be very high, due both to the extensive security required, and the 13 million dollar settlement Mr. O’Reilly needs to pay from the  proceeds.  Fans need not be scared away because of a high price tag, though.  Many promotions, such as “bikini night” and “half off for college age daughters,” will be offered to make it affordable.

Advance ticket orders are already underway.  So if you want to, as the early promotional materials suggest, “Party like it’s 1961 with America’s two favorite rich white septuagenarians,” it may be advisable to act soon.  As for the two outsized personalities who will be headlining, they appear to be very excited about the road ahead.  Asked, though, if they anticipate any problems sharing the limelight, the President laughed off all such suggestions.  “We have a system worked out.  If there is a red handkerchief hanging from the doorknob, you are not supposed to go in.  But I will anyways, because I’m President and that means they let you do anything.”

 

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