Posted on

Trump Changes His Mind About Changing His Mind

Ever since his, high profile, reversal in policy towards Syria, a shift that culminated in 59 Tomahawk missiles striking a Syrian airbase and creating a, much needed, bump in Cable News ratings, President Donald J. Trump has developed a new strategy for rehabilitating his young Presidency.  Trump, who was elected President, in no small part, because of his cast iron certainty, is now exploring a different approach entirely.

“I changed my mind, and they loved it!” The President said, in an exclusive interview.  “I can’t believe I never tried it before!  I mean, yeah, I changed my mind on wives a couple of times but never on anything that was important.  Then there was that time when I used to be a Democrat but, other than that, I can’t think of a time.  But now I’m thinking I need to do more of it.  A lot more!”

As enthusiastic as he is now, he admits to some trepidation as he took his first tentative steps towards complete policy reversal.  “I was remembering how, just a few years ago, I was tweeting at Obama about how stupid it would be to attack Syria and I said, ‘I can’t just change my mind on that.’  But then I remembered how I said he was gonna start a war in the Middle East just to fix his dismal approval ratings and I thought ‘Hey that was a good idea I had!'”

After coming to that revelation, he ordered the surgical missile strike, which immediately began making loud noises, bright lights and great television footage.  “It was awesome!” the President said. “And the numbers, they were huge!  Great ratings!  And have you seen my numbers?”  The President was referring to the latest CBS poll, which showed an uptick of 8 points from his previous low of 35%.  The President found nothing but good news in those numbers.  “Would you believe,” Trump said, “that now nearly 50 percent of the American People are not embarrassed to have me as their President!  And all I had to do was completely go back on everything I said!  Genius!”

The President, riding a new wave of success, immediately began initiating his total reversal protocol.  His opening move was forcing Stephen K. Bannon to step down from his elevated positon on the National Security Council.  Of this, Trump said, “I thought it was okay to put a completely unqualified guy at the highest level of our National Security Apparatus, but I changed my mind.  Replaced him with Rick Perry, just like that!”

On another key campaign promise, Trump is also changing his stance.  “I’m not gonna make Mexico pay for the wall anymore.  I’m gonna make the taxpayers do it, just like they are gonna pay for all my other boondoggles!”

There seems to be no end to the policy changes the, newly emboldened, President is willing to make.  “Remember how I said I was gonna make sure everybody had great health insurance, with cheap premiums and no pre-existing conditions exclusion?  Changed my mind!  Said I was gonna release my tax returns?  Changed my mind!  Said, I wasn’t gonna touch Social Security or Medicaid?  Well, sometimes you just gotta be flexible.”

Asked about changing some of his other policies, like dismantling the EPA in order to further enrich powerful fossil fuel interests or filling key cabinet positions with soulless corporate raiders, the President responded.  “That’s the beauty of this new policy.  I don’t have to change my mind every time.  The only thing I am certain of is that I should not be so certain.  You just watch me,” he said, “I’m gonna be the most unceartain President in History!”

Amongst, Trump’s most ardent supporters, however, the vote is still out in this new policy.  Officials in his re-elections campaign, which was launched on inauguration day, are enjoying an influx of cash due to the President’s improved numbers, but are quietly skeptical that the trend will continue.  One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told us.  “That’s the key word for his re-election prospects:  Uncertain.”

Trump, however, is not concerned with such minutia.  He has settled upon a new course and it is a course he is a course he intends to follow to its natural conclusion.  “Remember how I said I was gonna ‘Make America Great Again?’  I think I may just do the opposite.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter or on Facebook

 

 

Posted on

Washington Prepares For Annual Easter Ethics Hunt

With just a week to go before the event, Turmoil has engulfed the Capitol city, as controversy and partisan rancor cloud the run up to, that most cherished of annual traditions, the Easter Ethics Hunt.

The beloved event, in which members of the dueling political parties scramble to find any vestiges of ethics within the confines of Washington, D.C., is facing new hurdles as party infighting has complicated the process of candidate selection.  In previous years there have been few contenders for the task, which provides modest bragging rights to the candidate who is able to scrounge up the most traces of the, exceedingly rare, element, and awards the victorious party with the dubious distinction of most ethical in Washington.  But in this contentious and scandal ridden season, rising above even this, admittedly, low bar has risen in importance.

The squabble to be the low standard bearer began early.  On the Democratic side, Senator Bernie Sanders seemed to enjoy the most popular and enthusiastic support.  But the DNC, citing its superior knowledge of the playing field, felt differently and proceeded to bend the rules. As a result of their manipulation, it now appears that their team will instead be represented by an overprogrammed automaton which they have given the odd name of Benthir Dunthat.  This has divided the base of the party and threatens to greatly reduce turnout of the cheering section necessary to push the candidate across the finish line.

The DNC is standing firmly behind its decision, however, as they are certain that their robotic candidate, despite its tonedeafness, stiff demeanor and slow responsiveness, has all the requisite tools to win, considering the caliber of the competition.  A spokesman for the DNC said “With our technological advantage, there is no way we can lose.  Unless the software gets hacked or something, but how likely is that?”

On the Republican side, the bench is somewhat deeper, but there is no lack of scandal associated with the process.  Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, was once considered the front runner but was forced to recuse himself from the hunt after it was revealed that he had been leaking false ethics information to the press in an effort to distract the judges and give his side an edge.

After Nunes sudden ouster, all Republican eyes were trained on the White House as it was hoped that, perhaps, the President or one of his close associates could take the lead in this prestigious contest.  But, after a round of preliminary testing, in which an ethics sample was placed at various locations in the west wing, it soon became clear that while no one in the President’s circle seemed able to recognize the substance, they did display an almost preternatural ability to avoid encountering it in any of its forms. “It was extraordinary.” said the agent in charge of the testing. “Even if they accidentally stumbled upon some ethics, they would discard it immediately to pursue their agenda.”  It was clear that no ethical responsibility could be placed on the White House.

In the aftermath of this failure, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell decided to throw his hat in the ring.  He addressed the assembled majority and made his case.  He should lead the ethics hunt, as he was clearly the purest and most ethical member of the Senate. Some thirteen hours later, when the laughter had finally ceased, McConnell introduced a motion to change the contest bylaws so that  he could appoint himself.  As of this writing, that vote is still underway.

A week away from the event, neither side seems to have a viable candidate for the search.  Tragic as this might seem, however, the consequences of this failure may not be as dire as one would expect.  “We don’t want to see too crowded a field.”  an event organizer stated, on condition of anonymity.  “After all, last years contestants are still out there.  It seems that, after an entire year scouring the halls of government, they have been unable to find a trace of ethics anywhere.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

Posted on

Bannon Leaves NSC to Pursue Puppetry

Steve Bannon loves puppetry.  It’s his abiding passion.  The beating heart behind his every action.  But now, his lifelong pursuit of excellence in this, obscure, discipline has forced him into a momentous decision.

“I have decided it is time for me to step down from my position on the principals committee of the National Security Council.”  He stated, in a heartfelt press conference.  “I have come to the conclusion that my assigned tasks there, muddying the waters and discouraging investigations into Russia, though worthy endeavors in and of themselves, only serve to take time away from my life’s work:  Bringing joy to people’s lives with my colorful character creations.”  Bannon paused to wipe an errant tear from his eye.  “I feel that my work in that area has suffered as of late and I, find myself at  risk of losing the fan support that has brought me this far.  I cannot, in good conscience, continue with these other distractions while my true work suffers.  I therefore pledge to the American people that I will redouble my efforts and, with renewed focus, breathe fresh life into my menagerie, give increased vigor to their actions, and endow greater conviction to the words I place in their mouths.”

Bannon’s penchant for puppeteering encountered stiff resistance during his years serving in the U.S. Navy.  His efforts, though mighty, were rebuffed by his Senior Officers who informed him that it was, and always had been, the CIA who orchestrated all puppet operations for the U.S. Government and, until such time that there successes in this area faltered, it was unlikely that this would change.

Chastened, Bannon put his ambitions on hold.  Upon entering the business world, he took his first, tenuous, steps forward with his art.  Sources confirm that, during his time with Goldman Sachs and later with Bannon & Co., he was instrumental in the manufacture of several industry puppets in the Securities and Exchange Commission.

In 1993 he took over the Biosphere 2 project in Arizona.  This research project, which Bannon had misunderstood to be an improvisational comedy experiment, predicated on the ridiculous concept of climate change, soon proved an artistic dead end and he moved on after only two years.

It was only after a frustrating time spent in the mainstream entertainment industry, in which he had minimal success asserting his outsider’s ideas on puppetry into a film industry that already had a long and proud history of such manipulation, that he found a home where his work could flourish.

From the moment he established his creature shop at Breitbart News, it became clear that he had come into his own as an artist.  He immediately put his stamp upon the burgeoning cable news world.  Under his complete control, such outrageously comedic characters as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and the, completely over the top, Weeping Glenn Beck, exploded in popularity.

So successful was this venture, in fact, that the work threatened to overcome him.  “Fox News wanted me to be on all the time, 24/7.” Bannon said, in an exclusive interview. “It got to be exhausting.  You just can’t be that ridiculous for that sustained a period of time without risking burnout.   Yet people could not get enough of it.  I began to feel really trapped. It was a dark time, and during all of it, I couldn’t help but think that there was more I could be doing.  A bigger and better stage to share my art.”

Despite the phenomenal popularity of his work with Fox, Bannon made the difficult decision to move on.  He handed over his puppeteering duties to a number of his apprentices at Breitbart, whose work has continued on in his proud tradition.  But art cannot be restrained for long, and was soon burst forth in his next project, the project that will likely define his legacy for generations to come.

It is perhaps ironic that Bannon, who is known for the incredibly realistic nature of his puppets, that his greatest creation is anything but.  The obnoxious, orange tinted, floppy haired creature that Bannon refers to, lovingly, as “The Donald,” veers dangerously into the world of caricature.  Nonetheless, it is, undoubtedly, his greatest success.  The antics of this puppet, replete with unfounded bravado, misogynistic overtones and hilarious narcissism, proved to be the breakout hit of the 2015-2016 season, dominating virtually every form of media.

“It was startling, the success.”  Bannon said.  “The more offensive I made him, the more popular he became.  It was clear we were entering new territory.  I mean, the gloves were totally off.  Comedic gold!”

The hilarity rolled on for the entirety of the year.  The jokes became more elaborate, the behavior more offensive, and still “The Donald’s” popularity continued to grow.  “It was out of control.”  Bannon said.  “I could do nothing wrong.  I tried.  When I released the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape, I figured that would be the end of it, that would be too far, but it wasn’t.”

The Donald and his crew rolled through every, comedically questionable, minefield unscathed.  And, in the end, the joke was on the American people, when Bannon’s puppet was elected the 45th President of the United States.

“I mean, nobody believed that was going to happen.  Least of all, me.”  Bannon said.  “I mean, I guess there is no limit to what people will believe if you put it on TV enough.”

After his initial elation at the enormity of his success had passed, the enormity of the task before Bannon began to sink in.  “Now, I was gonna have to do this every single day for like 4 or even 8 years.  That’s a lot of material to produce.”

Never one to quit, though, Bannon put his head down and went to work.  He decided to expand the cast of characters, surrounding the President elect with a cadre of “consultants.”  Whether it is the adorable, but dim-witted Kellyanne, the hapless Sean Spicer or even Stephen Miller the “angry fascist,” these lifelike mouthpieces never fail to entertain.

But even so, the strain was starting to show on Bannon.  “I wasn’t so sure anymore.  People just suddenly didn’t seem to be enjoying the show.  Who knew it could be so hard to govern?”

It is because of this, the “death spiral” he has detected in the quality of the entertainment, that Bannon has decided to set all other duties aside and recommit to the work.  “I can get this back on track.” he said “Really.  This is just the second season slump.  Wait till we ratchet up the complications, like with a war or something.  Then people will be riveted again.  I promise.”

Privately though, his confidence may not be all that high.  Sources close to the “administration” say that Bannon has secretly set up a series of “consultations”  with other masters of public manipulation.  Next week, they say, he has blocked out 4 days to spend in the company of the greatest puppetmaster of them all, former Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

 

Posted on

Trump Proposes Adding New State

Frustrated with the slow progress in implementing his legislative agenda and intent on satisfying a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump announced today an unusual strategy aimed at “dismantling the Administrative State.”  He will, first, officially create it.

“This morning, the President of the United States has informed Congress of his intention to create, by the end of this year, the 51st State in the Union, the Administrative State.”  Said Presidential senior advisor Stephen Miller, addressing a gathering on the Capitol steps. “Upon its creation, all Federal Bureaus and Agencies will be relocated within the state’s borders and all Federal employees will be required to move there as a condition of employment.”

A flurry of questions quickly ensued, which Miller silenced with a steely glare.  “The President feels that the majority of the American people, those without his intellect or grasp of nuance, cannot possibly understand the size and scope of the Federal Bureaucracy.  When it is all gathered in one place, the ordinary person will easily be able to see how redundant, confusing and pointless the offerings are.  Same as visiting the cereal aisle at a grocery store, or listening to a top 40 station for an hour.”

Asked where the proposed state would be located, Miller replied. “The President is currently evaluating many options.  At this point he is only certain of two things:  It must be placed within an area of the country with enough available land area to accommodate the clutter and it must be a blue state.”  When asked why, Miller responded, through audibly grinding teeth., “Because when they see all this government garbage dumped in their backyard, they’ll be more likely to vote to clean it up now, won’t they?”

When reminded of the political difficulties inherent in the plan, per article IV, section 3, of the U.S. Constitution, which requires consent of both congress and the legislature of the affected state, before creating a new state, Miller paused and a faint wisp of steam became visible emanating from his ears.  “I am unaware of any reason the constitution should serve as a barrier to President Trump’s plans.  It has certainly not been a factor in any of his other actions since taking office.  His powers as President are considerable and shall not be questioned!”

Miller’s handlers then stepped in and dragged him away, referring further questions to the press office.

“I can assure you that this plan has been unusually well thought out and that the President himself has considered this issue for well over half an hour.”  Press secretary Sean Spicer later stated.  “Details are forthcoming, but you can rest assured that this new state, tentatively called either Buermont or Establichussets will be fully approved and functional by the time the residents are slated to arrive.”

Asked how the government intended to handle the sudden influx of the approximately 2.1 million civilian Federal employees affected, Spicer said.  “Well, obviously, we are going to have to build some housing quickly.  Fortunately the President knows a guy who builds really great hotels. The best hotels.”

Questioned on the efficacy of this plan, which is intended to dismantle the administrative state but which would, practically, give that state two votes in the Senate and proportional representation in the House, Spicer replied.  “That will be dealt with in phase two of the President’s Plan, tentatively called the Nuclear option.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

 

Posted on

Trump Prepares For Chinese Diplomatic Visit With Fire-Drill Practice

In an effort to regain his “diplomatic mojo” after several high-profile embarrassments, President Donald J. Trump has taken it upon himself to plan the entire itinerary for Chinese President Xi Jinping’s upcoming visit to the United States.  This, unprecedented action is designed to prevent the visit from becoming “boring.”

“He’s a powerful man.  He needs to be shown a good time.”  The President stated.  “He’s Chinese.  I’ve eaten at a lot of Chinese restaurants, so I understand his culture.  This is gonna be the best visit!  The greatest!”

In consultation with cultural sensitivity advisors Stephen K. Bannon, Kellyanne Conway and Stephen Miller, the President has designed what he describes as “a real good time.”  Attention is being paid to every detail, he says, in order to “roll out the red carpet for the Chinaman.”

Sources confirm that the President has been drilling his secret service agents on stopping the car, getting out, switching seats and resuming motion as quickly as possible.  “They call it a Chinese Fire drill.”  the President said, “But I bet my guys can do it faster than his.  America First!”  Reportedly the agents have been practicing this skill at least 6 hours a day for the last week.  “We’re gonna do it at every stop light.” the President stated.  “He’s gonna love it!”

“Then we are going to stop off at this laundry I know.  For a family reunion.”  When asked what family Jinping, the leader of the most populous country on earth, has at a Florida laundry, the President looked confused, “He’s Chinese, right?  They’re Chinese too. ” Asked if he thought that assumption might be culturally insensitive, Mr. Trump replied, “Hey there is nobody more sensitive than me.  Anyone will tell you that.”

“So after the laundry, we’re off to dinner at the Panda Express.  Love their food, you know.  Then it’s time for some sport.  Steve-O there”  the President said, indicating Mr. Bannon, “plays a mean game of Chinese Checkers.  I’m confident, he’s going to beat them at their own game.”

When advised that Chinese Checkers is not, in fact, Chinese but Germanic, Trump turned to his advisors and said “Is that true?”  After a moment of whispered consultation Stephen Miller, visibly red in the face, stated.  “I think you will find that the President’s assertions in this matter are 100 percent correct and his judgement will not be challenged!”

“Then, after the game,” the President said, “we’ll see how things go.  We might play some Ping-Pong or, if we’re too tired, we’re gonna settle in and watch a Kung Fu marathon.  I’ve got the whole series on DVD.”

Asked when they would get to the delicate business of negotiating the nation’s, somewhat strained, relationship with the People’s Republic of China, a rival nuclear power and fierce economic competitor, Trump waved it off.  “We’ll get to that,” he said. The President then detailed his negotiation icebreaking plans.  “For the first half hour,” Trump said, “anything that Jinping says, anything at all, I’m just gonna shout out ‘in bed’ after he says it!  That should really loosen things up.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Nunes to Investigate Presidential Approval Rating Fraud

Former Trump campaign advisor and, rigorously impartial, chair of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes, today announced a significant new track for the committee’s investigation into foreign interference in the U.S. political system.  Effective immediately the committee’s focus will shift to the possibility of Russian interference with the approval ratings of President Donald J. Trump.

This information was presented at a, hastily convened, press conference in a congressional stairwell.  “I have just been shown, by confidential sources inside the White House…and this has been corroborated by reputable contacts on Twitter…, evidence of a widespread campaign, by Russian intelligence agencies, to artificially depress the approval rating of our Commander in Chief, Donald J. Trump, in an attempt to delegitimize our most cherished Government institutions, and lessen our standing on the world stage.”

Asked to comment on the nature of the information, Nunes said.  “I cannot comment specifically, but I can say this.  In terms of these accusations, I think the Presidents, so called, approval numbers are evidence in themselves.”  In the most recent poll, the President’s approval rating stood at 38%, slightly up from a low of 35%. “These number defy credulity.  After having won the biggest electoral victory in history and having welcomed the largest inaugural audience of all time, we are now expected to believe that our President is less popular than traffic jams, root canals and hipsters?  I don’t think anyone can rationally believe that.”

When reminded that his claims about crowd size and electoral math were both provably false, Nunes responded, “I cannot comment further as these “facts” you are asserting are the subject of another, possibly related, investigation.”  Asked to clarify this, he stated, “Russian disinformation is a powerful thing.  Trust me, I know.  We will investigate any and all evidence suggesting collusion between government of Russia and members of the Democratic leadership and their efforts to destabilize our government by making our President appear to be ineffectual and disliked.”

When pressed to disclose what evidence he had seen to support these claims, Nunes said, “Let’s just say I’ve been hearing thing.  Big things.”  Hearing a noise in the stairwell, Nunes nervously looked over his shoulder and then continued, “Let me just say that I think the voting public will be surprised at what this committee, under my steady leadership, will turn up on this matter.  I want to assure the American People that this committee will not rest until it has come to a conclusion I am satisfied with.”

Asked about claims, raised by some Democrats, that the President is using unsubstantiated accusations such as these to distract attention from the ongoing investigation into his campaign team’s possible ties to Russia,  Nunes responded, “All such claims are being referred to the Secret Service for investigation, as should be all such attempts at character assassination.”

Facing a barrage of questions, Nunes then pushed past the assembled reporters saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell the White House what the White House just told me.”

Asked for comment on these explosive allegations, press secretary Sean Spicer said, “It is White House policy never to comment on an ongoing investigation.  So all that I am able to say at this time is that it is all true and that the American people should be very upset that the Democrats would put our nation at risk by colluding with a sworn enemy to further their own political ambitions.”  As he sprinted for the door, Spicer then said, “And did I mention that Obama tapped the President’s phones?”

Reached for comment, Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence committee, said that he had been, thus far, unable to locate Nunes to discuss the evidence.  “We just don’t know where he is these days.  It’s almost like he’s hiding from us.”  Asked to comment on Russian involvement in President Trump’s historically low approval ratings, Schiff said.  “Oh, I think we can be pretty sure Russia had something to do with that.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

Posted on

Witches Against “Trump Hunt”

In a show of solidarity with President Donald J. Trump, after his comments condemning the “Russian witch hunt,” a representative of the Covenant of the Goddess, an organization representing practitioners of Neo-Paganism, came forward to condemn similar practices directed toward the President.

“We are heartened by the President’s support of our fellow witches, who are currently living on the run in Russia.” said Morgana Ravenwood, a spokesperson for the Covenant.  “We were both surprised and pleased to learn that the leader of the free world was so concerned about the plight of these brave souls, persecuted for their religious beliefs by the violent autocratic regime of Vladimir Putin.  We hereby join with him in condemning this Russian Witch Hunt!”

In a recorded statement issued via YouTube, Ms. Ravenwood said. “We at the Covenant of the Goddess stand against persecution in all of its various forms and therefore must condemn, in the strongest terms the Trump Hunt being undertaken by the media and law enforcement organizations within this country.  Our bill of rights guarantees freedom of religion for all, regardless of belief system.  Though many of Mr. Trump’s beliefs, such as that climate change is a myth, or that he won the popular vote, may seem bizarre to the witches of my coven, we believe that his right to hold such beliefs must be vigorously defended.  If the President truly believes for instance, in the existence of alternative facts, or that Democrats are to blame for the AHCA failure, we must support his right to believe these things, regardless of how ridiculous they seem to my fellow worshippers of the Triple Goddess.  The bedrock of our belief system is tolerance and acceptance, traits that, I am certain, are embodied by our current President.”

Asked if the President had viewed the statement, press secretary Sean Spicer stated that the President “viewed the first few seconds but, as he is a busy man and as he rated Ms. Ravenwood as no higher than a four, he moved on.”  He then criticized several female reporters for taking notes “with an attitude” and left the room in a huff.

Former Delaware congressional candidate, and witchcraft dabbler, Christine O’Donnell broke her silence and chimed in on Twitter.  “I’m still not a witch,” she said “But if they don’t worship Hecate, they are heathens. If Trump goes along he could start to lose.  Badly”

Secretary of education Betsy Devos, was quoted as saying.  “Witches?  Are they the ones with the pointy hats, or the female dogs?  I always get them confused.”

Asked how President Trumps policies align with the ideals of a religious organization that focuses on empowering women and protecting the environment, Ms. Ravenwood said  “I haven’t really studied all of his policy positions but, how bad could he be?  It’s not like he’s going to dismantle the EPA or brag about sexually assaulting women, is he?”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter