In an effort to trim the Federal budget, the White House announced today that it will be suspending the Bill of rights until such time as that Bill is paid in full.
“According to our records, this bill was run up in 1791 and, since then, we cannot find documentation of a single payment having been made on it!” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget. “Apparently, the President’s predecessor was comfortable with the budget impact of allowing this deadbeat behavior to continue but, at a time when this nation is swimming in debt, we cannot allow such luxuries to continue. It is the President’s belief, and I share this belief that one must always pay their debts, unless you have a very good lawyer. Therefore, we are, this day, placing this bill in collections.”
“This account will be immediately frozen,” Mulvaney continued, “and all further Bill of Rights related activity will be suspended unless expressly approved by the President or an authorized representative. These injunctions will remain in place until we receive payment, in full, of the entire bill plus 216 years of accumulated interest and fees. If such restitution is not made in a timely fashion we will have no option but to declare bankruptcy of the underlying principal and sell off all salvageable assets to the highest bidder.”
According to Mulvaney, the administration has already received some, quite lucrative, should the underlying components come on the market. “The NRA has already made us a tidy offer on the second amendment, so that should settle that issue for all time. We have competing offers, both from the e-commerce industry and the Russian Government, on fourth amendment privacy protections.”
The sixth and seventh amendments, which offer guarantees of trial by impartial jury and protect against double jeopardy, have been more difficult to market, Mulvaney reports, but he suggests they may be of interests to the producers of reality television. The same can be said of the eighth, with its protection against cruel and unusual punishment. “Sounds like good TV to me!” Mulvaney said.
The tenth amendment, dealing with State’s rights, is likely to become the exclusive property of the Republican party, except in those instances when they wish to forget about it entirely. The ninth amendment, which guarantees citizens rights not expressly spelled out in the constitution, will likely be discarded as outdated.
A similar fate will likely await the third amendment, which prohibits the government from housing soldiers in the houses of private citizens. “Who needs that?” Mulvaney said. “Our soldiers are going to be very busy elsewhere.”
As for the fifth amendment and its famous protection against self incrimination, Mulvaney says, “My understanding is that the President and his staff may be deeply interested in purchasing that particular protection.”
And of the first amendment, protecting freedom of both religion and speech, a right considered by many to be fundamental to their understanding of American Democracy, Mulvaney was particularly dismissive. “Maybe the fake news media might want a piece of it but from, our perspective, we can’t see much use for it.”
Perhaps this new fiscal reality was best summed up by the President himself, who weighed in on the issue via Twitter. “Some people don’t understand that nothing is free in this country. Certainly not speech.”
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