Citing helpful provisions of the freshly signed GOP tax legislation, the incorporeal spirit of financier Jacob Marley has announced his intention of moving to the United States.
“I have wandered lo these many years in search of relief, to no avail,” the ethereal spirit said, from within a spectral cloud of cash boxes and heavy chains, “But, at long last, my heavy burdens may be lifted, by the kindness and compassion of Republican lawmakers.”
Marley is referring to a little known provision of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, separately titled as the “Infernal Relief Act.” Under these provisions, the weight and length of Marley’s chains would be immediately and permanently reduced by 18%. Additional provisions will allow the phantom to further reduce his chain burden by 20% or more simply by registering himself and his, wholly separated, lower jaw as individual pass through entities.
“Mr. Marley has long been able to pass through any item of substance except the provisions of his eternal damnation,” said Mr. Marley’s attorney, the ghost of Antonin Scalia, from his offices at the massive law firm, Satan, Scalia and associates. “But, thanks to this timely, judicious and not at all activist legislation, the final veil has been lifted.”
This provision has caused unearthly shades from all over the ethereal plane to flock toward the U.S., a movement lawmakers promise will drive business towards mediums and televangelists throughout the country. Though the provision has proved popular most economists have been unable to explain how the plan offsets the reduction in suffering. Initial analysis suggest that the burden will be shared across spirits who have left the earthly realm as a result of losing health coverage under the tax plan.
Marley explains his decision as one born of necessity and opportunity. “For more than 180 years I have suffered, seeking atonement for my greed and selfishness by trucking the most productive members of society into costly acts of charity. But all this work was to no purpose. In the end, it was only in meeting American politicians that I learned the true power of greed and corruption, and turned my attention to tricking voters into voting Republican.”
“It’s was obvious move, in the end,” said Marley. “Given the choice between being Bob Cratchit and Paul Ryan, I can think of no one who would choose differently. At least no one who matters. So I am going to do my part to make eternity great again!”
One final hurdle remains before Marley’s application for citizenship can be fast tracked. Mr. Marley explained. “They said something about making sure I’m not Muslim. Standards are important, after all.”
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