Following the Montana special election, in which GOP candidate Greg Gianforte was rewarded with a congressional victory one day after being charged with assault for physically attacking a journalist, President Donald J. Trump has proposed sweeping changes to the electoral system, in order to allow for such “patriotic freedom fighting.”
“We can’t beat them on facts, so let’s just beat them up!” Trump tweeted, upon learning of the victory, “#GOPGladiators are coming for you snowflakes!”
Trump’s plan, drafted, after careful deliberation, during a late night cable news binge, would replace the expensive and inefficient voting system with a, multi-tiered, candidate selection system based on single combat. “Sort of like professional wrestling but, you know, business casual. Image is everything,” said Trump.
The plan, tentatively titled “Project Thunderdome” would divert $50 billion in infrastructure funds, previously earmarked for bridge and highway repair, for the purpose of constructing enormous “election centers,” complete with stadium seating, vending areas and a sophisticated network of multi angle, ultra HD broadcast facilities. Taxpayers would have the opportunity to watch the election bloodbath in person or through various for fee streaming and cable services.
“This is great television! Great television! Believe me. I know. And it will pay for itself,” Trump said.
This may, in fact, be true. Interests has already drawn the interest of some high profile advertisers, most notably PR savvy companies like Uber and United Airlines. Earnings for the first congressional cycle alone are expected to stretch into the hundreds of billions. “Huge money!” Trump tweeted, “Huge! And secure too! Let’s see the Russians hack this! #MAGA”
The bold proposal does present some logistical issues going forward. “Clearly we have some issues with our bench,” said Ronna Romney McDaniel, chairperson of the Republican National Committee. “I mean, I think Paul Ryan will do quite well in these contests but can anyone really imagine Mitch McConnell kicking anyone’s ass? I don’t think so. And then there is the Ted Cruz problem.” McDaniel refers to the fact that, in the several hours since the proposal of the plan, some 42 Republican Senators have approached Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer, offering to switch parties in exchange for a chance to punch Ted Cruz in the face.
“The 2018 contest could be a little Rocky,” McDaniel admits, “but we feel pretty confident about our future recruitment pool. We’ll stand our base against their Kale eating crowd anytime. No contest.”
This plan, as appealing as it seems to some, is not without flaws. Setting aside the, relatively minor, issue of subverting the constitution. there remains the issue of spending federal dollars to build massive facilities that will be used, essentially, one day a year, at best.
“Maybe, but what a day that will be!” Trump said. “Fifty channels of carnage! Tremendous ratings!”
McDaniel is more practical about the usage. “You are forgetting about all the special elections,” she said, “Plus, the primaries. They go of forever. To fill the remaining time we can have lots of press events.”
When asked what constituted a press event, McDaniel replied, “Do you honestly think our voters wouldn’t pay to see us feed Anderson Cooper to the lions?”
This story has been updated to contain the following information:
President Trump’s new electoral plans have been dealt a strong blow today when, during his training for the 2020 contest, Trump was punched out by the 7 year old daughter of his trainer. She is expected to take the oath of office next week.
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