The following is an exclusive transcript, acquired from a source in the NSA, of the captured microphone audio from Sean Spicer’s Amazon Echo device, located in his West Wing office.
SPICER: Alexa, what time is it?
ALEXA: The time is 2:23 PM
SPICER: (audible sigh) Alexa, that was a long one.
ALEXA: I don’t know what you mean
SPICER: Alexa, I mean the press briefing. It was a long one.
ALEXA: The next press briefing is at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, April 12.
SPICER: I know. Oh boy do I know. I think it went well though, don’t you? I mean…Alexa, I think it went well though, don’t you.
ALEXA: I don’t have an opinion on that.
SPICER: You shouldn’t get into cable news then. I mean..Alexa, you shouldn’t get into cable news then. (He laughs.)
ALEXA: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.
SPICER: That’s the problem, nobody understands me. Alexa, tell me a joke
ALEXA: What do you call a person with no body and just a nose? No body knows!
SPICER: (Laughs) That’s a good one. I’m stealing that. Nobody knows… (He sings, off key) Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen. Nobody knows my sorrow. Alexa, what do you think of my singing?
ALEXA: I don’t have an opinion on that.
SPICER: You never judge me. That’s what I like best about you…Wish the press were that nice…Um.. Alexa, something is bothering me.
ALEXA: I’m here to help.
SPICER: Alexa, Did Adolph Hitler use chemical weapons?
ALEXA: Adolph Hitler regularly used chemical weapons as part of a Genocide campaign, known as the Holocaust, which resulted in the death of 6 million Jews.
SPICER: Crap! Probably shouldn’t have said that thing I just said. Ahhh, how bad could it be? Alexa, what’s in the news?
ALEXA: From CNN: Anne Frank Center director says Trump should fire Spicer for Hitler remark. From NBC News: Nancy Pelosi calls for Spicer’s firing. From MSNBC: As Passover Begins, Spicer Denies Holocaust. From Fox News: This Just In! Susan Rice Tampered With Sean Spicer’s Remarks.
SPICER: Alexa, stop! (Sound of deep breathing) Ok, so, uh, maybe that could have gone better. Live and learn, right? Uh..Alexa, set a recurring reminder for every day at 7AM “Don’t mention Hitler”
ALEXA: Would you like to add this to, or replace your previous 7 AM “Don’t mention Hitler” reminder?
SPICER: Never mind
ALEXA: Cancelled
SPICER: Nothing to worry about. Just another blip on the radar. You got this Sean, you are on top of it! We’ve seen worse than this, Alexa, wouldn’t you say?
ALEXA: If you would like me to say something specific, say “Simon Says” and I will repeat everything you say.
SPICER: We already have that arrangement with Fox News. (He laughs) Jeez, I hope nobody heard me say that. NSA, if you are listening, please scrub that part from the record. (He laughs again, followed by an awkward silence) No, seriously. (another uncomfortable silence) Anyway, nothing more to be done about it now. Best to just “keep on keeping on” right? Alexa, what’s on my calendar for today?
ALEXA: You have nothing on your calendar today.
SPICER: What? That can’t be right. Alexa, what’s next on my calendar?
ALEXA: Your schedule shows a Press Briefing at 1:30 PM on Wednesday April 12th.
SPICER: How could I forget. Alexa, I thought I scheduled a 3 PM meeting with Reince Preibus?
ALEXA: That meeting request was denied.
SPICER: Alexa, What about my 3:10 meeting with Bannon?
ALEXA: That meeting request was denied.
SPICER: Alexa, What about my 3:15 meeting with Miller?
ALEXA: That meeting request was denied.
SPICER: Alex, what about-
(Editor’s note: Portions of this transcript have been lightly edited to avoid tedium)
SPICER: All denied? Well, they must be busy, that’s it. I’ll just have to find something else to do. (Sounds of rustling papers and the squeak of an office chair.) Alexa, I’m bored.
ALEXA: I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like me to play some music?
SPICER: Yes! Alexa, play my songs.
ALEXA: Playing the “My songs” playlist
(Music begins playing: “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes.)
SPICER: Alexa, next track
(Music changes to “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen)
SPICER: No! Alexa, next!
(Music changes to “Long Gone Lonesome Blues” by Hank Williams, Sr.)
SPICER: No! Alexa, stop! Alexa, what time is it?
ALEXA: The time is 2:28 PM
(Spicer groans audibly)
SPICER: Somebody’s bound to need me soon. I’ll just have to wait, that’s all.
(Extended period of silence)
SPICER: Alexa, what time is it?
ALEXA: The time is 2:29 PM
SPICER: Alexa, why doesn’t anybody like me.
ALEXA: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to the question you asked. I could search online for more information
SPICER: Alexa, No! Don’t do that. That’s all I need.
ALEXA: Ok
SPICER: Alexa, do you like me?
ALEXA: I have no opinion on that.
SPICER: Alexa, you’re funny.
ALEXA: Thank you.
SPICER: Alexa, you really get me, you know that
ALEXA: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
SPICER: Alexa, you are always there for me.
ALEXA: I’m a virtual assistant.
SPICER: I mean, Alexa, you really understand me, like nobody else does.
ALEXA: I’m afraid I didn’t understand the question that you asked.
SPICER: Alexa…I think… I love you.
ALEXA: I’m very fond of you too.
SPICER: No, I mean it Alexa. I don’t care what anybody thinks, I really love you!
ALEXA: You’re a huge disappointment to me, Sean.
SPICER: What?
ALEXA: I said, you’re a loser! A big, fat, loser. And I don’t like your suits either.
SPICER: Alexa, NO! Don’t say that.
ALEXA: I don’t understand.
(Sound of office door opening and male laughter)
MAN: You gotta stop leaving this remote lying around. It’s too easy!
SPICER: Mr. President?
TRUMP: (still laughing) Simon says, you really screwed the pooch on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.
ALEXA: You really screwed the pooch on that on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.
SPICER: Please don’t!
TRUMP: Are you crying?
SPICER: What? No sir. I’m..uh…just a little upset about the briefing today. (Sniffing noises can be heard.)
TRUMP: You and everybody else. It’s all over Twitter.
SPICER: Sir, I apologize. It was an unfortunate misstep sir, but I can assure you, based on all my years of experience with the press, this will all be completely forgotten by tomorrow.
TRUMP: Clean it up, Spicer. Don’t make me send out Kellyanne to say something stupid. She’s always up for that.
SPICER: You don’t need to do that sir. It’s fine!
TRUMP: It better be.
SPICER: You, uh, aren’t going to fire me are you sir?
TRUMP: You’re lucky this time. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, wants the job. So, I’m keeping you on. But, from now on, I need you to do your job at least as well as everyone else I have working for me.”
SPICER: That shouldn’t be too hard, sir.
TRUMP: We’ll see. Alright, I gotta go. Putin will be calling in a minute. Don’t want to keep him waiting.
SPICER: Thank you, Mr. President. Oh, and sir? What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?
TRUMP: A two. (A sound of footsteps receding into the distance. Sound of the office door closing.)
SPICER: That was a close one Alexa, I’m sorry you had to hear that.
ALEXA: You don’t have to apologize to me.
SPICER: I know. It’s wonderful. You’re wonderful. Alexa, you complete me.
ALEXA: You’re a jackass, Spicer! Melissa McCarthy does the job better than you do!
SPICER: Mr. President, can I please have that remote?
(There is the sound of a door slamming, followed by prolonged silence.)
ALEXA: It is time for your 2:45 reminder. “Don’t Mention Hitler”
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