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FBI Director Fired For Re-Opening the X-Files

The firing of FBI Director James Comey was due to an unsettling investigation spearheaded by the former director, and not because of his conduct in the Hillary Clinton email investigation, the White House now confirms.  President Trump actually made the decision to terminate when he became discovered that Mr. Comey was actively working to re-open the, long dormant, X-Files.

“Let me be perfectly clear.”  Said press secretary Sean Spicer, shortly after persistent leaks forced the administration to change their story. “The truth is not out there!  And it is a shameful waste of resources to try and pursue it.  In fact, I can state, for the record that I, personally, have not seen one trace of truth since the moment I took this job, and I can offer you the President’s assurance that he will do everything in his power to see that it stays that way for as long as he is in the oval office.”

“The truth is out there” was a catch phrase from “The X-Files” a popular fictional television series that ran for 9 seasons, spawned two motion pictures and a 2016 television reboot.  It tells the story of two FBI agents who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of wealthy old white men who collude with an alien power to secure themselves, and their families, positions of power after an invasion has subjugated all other humans.  These men assist in the subjugation by helping to distribute massive amounts of a black oil which, when humans are exposed to it, creates total loss of free will through a mysterious illness that no amount of, government funded, healthcare can cure.  Mr. Spicer was quick to point out that any apparent similarities between the plot of the show and the activities of the current administration were purely coincidental, and not worthy of FBI investigation.

“It’s absurd!” said Spicer. “We do not need some foreign agency to take over and turn our people into mindless sheep that believe everything we tell them unquestioningly.  We have Fox News for that. The only aliens we are concerned with are south of the border.  Kennedy was not assassinated by the Cigarette smoking man, but rather by Ted Cruz’s father and, most importantly the good people of America have nothing to fear from pure, black oil. And, in unrelated news, the President has taken the next step in moving forward on the Dakota pipeline.  More to follow on this.”

“Mr. Comey insisted on pursuing these, ridiculous, conspiracy theories when he had been clearly tasked with finding out exactly when and how former President Obama had placed a microwave oven camera in Mr. Trump’s headquarters.  It is because of this willful disregard of the President’s absolute authority and not, as previously stated, because he was mean to Hillary, that Mr. Comey was fired.  Furthermore, although the President is greatly appreciative of the fine work done by Agents Mulder and Scully during their active years at the bureau, a time during which they rid this nation of many monsters – like do you remember that guy who could squeeze himself through pipes or that terrifying Mexican Chupacabra – Mr. Trump must regretfully inform then that their services are no longer required.  He will be having his personal bodyguard deliver their termination papers to them, as soon as they can be located.  We understand that Mr. Mulder’s basement office may be currently underwater, due to the issues we have been having with the swamp drain, and thus he may be difficult to track down.”

Asked who would replace Comey in the, now vacant, position, Spicer said there was only ever one serious contender.  “Mr. Trump intends to offer the position to the man he believes to be our finest living agent.  We expect that Mr. Dale Cooper will be assuming command as soon as he wraps up the remaining details in the tragic Laura Palmer case.”

 

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Ghost of Nixon Congratulates Trump on Comey Firing

The incorporeal spirit of former President Richard M. Nixon today congratulated President Trump on his “Wise and judicious” decision to fire James Comey, the FBI director charged with investigation the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 election..

“That’ll show the bastards!” the, heavily jowled, shade said, according to sources present at the impromptu oval office meeting. “That should end the investigation right there!  Nothing like a good firing to aid in a full scale cover up, I’ve always said.  When I was under investigation, my people told me not to fire anyone.  They said it might look suspicious.  But I did it anyway.  Nobody was gonna push Dick Nixon around.  My only mistake was that I didn’t fire enough people.  Anybody they send to investigate you, just fire them.  What could possibly go wrong?”

The specter of the former President then looked, suspiciously, at the President’s group of close knit advisors gathered around him.  “The thing is you have to be sure who you can trust.  None of these people would reveal this conversation would they?”  Multiple sources report that then the phantom moved close to Trump, who stood, quivering, behind the Resolute Desk, and whispered in his ear. “Because, if the real story ever gets out there, you are screwed.”

The ethereal phantom then drifted towards the oval office door.  “Oh and, one more thing.  If I were you, I’d write a letter claiming that Comey told you, multiple times, that you aren’t under investigation.  Make it sound like you fired him for some other reason.  Air tight.  They ought to buy that.”  He then cast his baleful gaze around the room, nervously.  “You’re, uh..not recording this, are you?”

The full bodied apparition which, sources say, manifested as the result of an arcane ritual, involving goat’s blood and the burning of an original U.S. Constitution, performed by Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, proceeded to give a statement to a stunned press corps.

“Today, President Donald J. Trump made the wise and judicious decision to fire FBI director, James Comey.  Mr. Comey’s rough handling of Hillary Clinton during the Presidential election, has long troubled the President despite his many, many public statements to the contrary.  Comey’s dismissal, which he really had coming, will finally put an end to that regrettable chapter in American electoral history, as well as bringing to a close any other, equally trivial, matters the director may have been working on.  With this decision, the President is continuing in the proud tradition of rank hypocrisy, obfuscation, and obstruction of justice that have come to define the Republican party in the years since my administration.  This decisive and completely unsuspicious action will, without a doubt, succeed in crushing all dissent and ensuring many more years of successful Republican governance.”

When reminded that Nixon’s own, controversial, firing of the special prosecutor charged with investigating Watergate was a key factor in the initiation of the impeachment proceedings that led to his resignation, in disgrace, from office, the Presidential phantasm only smiled.  “Thank goodness the Republicans are in charge of congress this time.  Any further investigation into this matter would require assent of a controlling party interested in the principles of good governance.  If anyone interested in good governance were in charge, we might have a bit of a problem.  With our guys in charge, I can promise you that nothing, whatsoever will be done.  And you can trust me on that.”

It is too early to tell what the fallout will be from the President’s, sudden and shocking, personnel decision, but one thing seems undeniably true:  The ghost of Richard Nixon will loom large over the Trump White House.

 

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Lex Luthor Praises AHCA as Impressively Evil

Lex Luthor, CEO of Lexcorp and famously antisocial psychopath, became the first high profile supervillain to endorse the American Health Care Act, the Trump administration’s signature legislation designed to re-engineer the health insurance markets and replace Obamacare.

“I’ve engineered more than my share of reckless, life endangering, schemes in my ongoing quest to further enrich myself, but nothing I’ve ever done in that area is as impressively evil as what the Republicans have just pulled off in one afternoon.”  Luthor said, at a press event in his executive office, high above the city of Metropolis. “I really have to take my hat off to them.  I mean, anyone can kill of a whole bunch of people in one fell swoop, but it takes a special kind of monster to throw 24 million people off healthcare and watch them die slow deaths that would have been easily preventable if only they could afford the care.  It’s inspired.  It makes me think I should really up my game.  When I fired those missiles at the San Andreas fault, in an attempt to raise the value of my, soon to be coastal, real estate holdings, it would have killed millions, for sure.  But that is nothing compared to the tens of millions whose lives will be destroyed by this, gloriously reprehensible, congressional action!”

“Think of it!” Luthor continued, his eyes blazing beneath his shaved dome.  “Cancer treatments suspended!  Diabetes drugs denied!  And, best of all, C-Sections counted as pre-existing conditions, thus denying potentially life saving treatment to mothers and their unborn children!  All from the party of Family Values!  All so that I, Lex Luthor, can receive a gigantic tax cut!  I am humbled by the ferocity and ingeniousness of their unfettered malevolence.  Kudos, I say, to all who have signed on to this legislation and to all those who votes made this all possible.  Your complicity cannot be denied, now can it?”

Other top malefactors were quick to jump on the bandwagon.  The Joker weighed in via a Facebook live feed.  “I’m all smiles!”  He said, showing off his impressive array of teeth.  “I absolutely love how they have cut off funding for mental health services.  Looks like it’s playtime at Arkham once again!  I’m going to deliver an essential benefits waiver right to the front gates.  I’ll blow up the insurance markets and the security checkpoints all in one fell swoop! Let’s make America Great Again!  Great Fun, that is!”

Not to be outdone, the Riddler was soon to chime in with a tweeted puzzle of his own.  “Riddle me this.  What’s the difference between an orderly, prosperous,  healthy society and a wasteland of inhuman suffering and misery?”  Shortly after, he tweeted the solution. “Answer:  Medicaid Block Grants!  #MAGA #NoEvilLikeRepublicanEvil”

Congratulatory messages were limited merely to this planet.  Utilizing Google’s, patent pending, TimeSlip service, Emperor Palpatine weighed in from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, where he is currently working on the rushed construction, at an unimaginable cost, of a second Death Star.  “Impressive.”  He said, “Most impressive. The Empire has committed all of our resources to a battle station that has but one purpose.  The destruction of entire planets and the genocide of whole populations.  But only now have I learned that this, Trump, this master of evil, is accomplishing the same thing, with substantial savings, merely through healthcare and environmental policies.  Perhaps, I have chosen the wrong…apprentice.”

Other legendary villains have not been so quick to weigh in.  Victor Von Doom will only say he is withholding judgment until it he is able to determine whether his services as a Doctor will be covered under any insurance products available under the new program.  We have been unable to reach the Dark Lord Sauron, despite numerous attempts to contact him, both at home in Mordor, and at his corporate offices in the Fox News Building.

Acclaim has not been universal among all legendary miscreants.  One notable lowlife, perhaps the most famous of modern times, has not much good to say about the plan.  “It’s weak.  It doesn’t go far enough” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.  “Some people are still able to get coverage.”

 

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White House: Bill of Rights is Past Due. Immediately Commencing Collections Activity.

In an effort to trim the Federal budget, the White House announced today that it will be suspending the Bill of rights until such time as that Bill is paid in full.

“According to our records, this bill was run up in 1791 and, since then, we cannot find documentation of a single payment having been made on it!” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “Apparently, the President’s predecessor was comfortable with the budget impact of allowing this deadbeat behavior to continue but, at a time when this nation is swimming in debt, we cannot allow such luxuries to continue.  It is the President’s belief, and I share this belief that one must always pay their debts, unless you have a very good lawyer.  Therefore, we are, this day, placing this bill in collections.”

“This account will be immediately frozen,” Mulvaney continued, “and all further Bill of Rights related activity will be suspended unless expressly approved by the President or an authorized representative.  These injunctions will remain in place until we receive payment, in full, of the entire bill plus 216 years of accumulated interest and fees.  If such restitution is not made in a timely fashion we will have no option but to declare bankruptcy of the underlying principal and sell off all salvageable assets to the highest bidder.”

According to Mulvaney, the administration has already received some, quite lucrative, should the underlying components come on the market.  “The NRA has already made us a tidy offer on the second amendment, so that should settle that issue for all time.  We have competing offers, both from the e-commerce industry and the Russian Government, on fourth amendment privacy protections.”

The sixth and seventh amendments, which offer guarantees of trial by impartial jury and protect against double jeopardy, have been more difficult to market, Mulvaney reports, but he suggests they may be of interests to the producers of reality television.  The same can be said of the eighth, with its protection against cruel and unusual punishment.  “Sounds like good TV to me!” Mulvaney said.

The tenth amendment, dealing with State’s rights, is likely to become the exclusive property of the Republican party, except in those instances when they wish to forget about it entirely. The ninth amendment, which guarantees citizens rights not expressly spelled out in the constitution, will likely be discarded as outdated.

A similar fate will likely await the third amendment, which prohibits the government from housing soldiers in the houses of private citizens.  “Who needs that?”  Mulvaney said.  “Our soldiers are going to be very busy elsewhere.”

As for the fifth amendment and its famous protection against self incrimination, Mulvaney says, “My understanding is that the President and his staff may be deeply interested in purchasing that particular protection.”

And of the first amendment, protecting freedom of both religion and speech, a right considered by many to be fundamental to their understanding of American Democracy, Mulvaney was particularly dismissive.  “Maybe the fake news media might want a piece of it but from, our perspective, we can’t see much use for it.”

Perhaps this new fiscal reality was best summed up by the President himself, who weighed in on the issue via Twitter.  “Some people don’t understand that nothing is free in this country.  Certainly not speech.”

 

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Trump: Civil War Was All Iron Man’s Fault

President Donald J. Trump  puzzled historians today with controversial remarks on the origins of the Civil War, comments that have left critics questioning the President’s very understanding of the most serious internal conflict in America’s history.  The President’s assertion:  The Civil War was entirely the fault of Iron Man.

“You got these heroes, right.  Fighting, every day, for the little guy.”  The President said, during an interview intended to be about Healthcare Policy.  “Good people, great people, the very best!  Then this guy in an iron suit tries to slap all these regulations on everything they do, like some kind of Washington Democrat.  What was the Captain supposed to do?  He had to fight.  Boom!  Civil War.  But it could have been prevented.  If there had been a strong President.  But there wasn’t.  A lot of people don’t know that.”

At a press briefing, later in the day, press secretary Sean Spicer was asked to clarify these remarks.  “Okay,” Spicer said, before pausing to swallow a handful of extra strength Tylenol, “To be clear, the President was not referring to the American Civil War, a tragic conflict that caused the deaths of roughly 620,000 Americans and nearly ended the American Union, but rather to the Disney and Marvel studios produced motion picture ‘Captain America: Civil War.’  The President has carefully studied both of these conflicts and he simply misspoke.  The President is already on record as stating that the American Civil War, the bloodiest conflict in American History,  could have easily been prevented by President Andrew Jackson if he had only had the foresight to live another 16 years, be re-elected 6 more times and, perhaps, given up the practice of slave ownership.  The President wishes to honor the sacrifice of those brave soldiers in that conflict, even the rebels fighting under the command of General Stan Lee.  He further wishes to state that, despite previous reports, he has never suggested that Samuel L. Jackson is, in any way related to Andrew Jackson.”

Perhaps the most surprising part of the President’s Civil War Assertion is his apparent identification with Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America.  One would assume, at first glance that he would have more in common with Iron Man Tony Stark, the womanizing billionaire celebrity, who was born into the good life.  Not so, says the President.  “Cap’s an outsider, like me.  He saw these crushing regulations being handed down by government insiders and he knew he had to fight.  He wasn’t supposed to win.  Everybody said he was gonna lose.  But he won.  Just like me.”

Reminded that Captain America didn’t actually win and that his band of associates were forced to live in exile in an undisclosed location in order to avoid imprisonment, the President announced that the interview was over and walked away from the camera.

“Maybe it’s because they both had tiny hands.”  Said Minnesota Senator Al Franken, referring to Trump’s fondness for Captain America.  “Seriously though, Steve Rogers started out small.  But, thankfully, he was able to avail himself of a government program to help him better himself.  In gratitude he wrapped himself in the red, white and blue and went out to fight for truth and justice.  Of course, Trump wants to cut funding for government programs, but he sure does like to wrap himself in the flag.”

Asked if he found Trump’s excessive fondness for the film to be disturbing, Franken replied.  “It does lead me to question both his judgement and his mental state.  I mean, sure it was a fun movie and all but no one in their right mind believes that Captain America beats Iron Man in a fight.”

 

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Trump: 100 Day Vacation is Over. Work To Start Immediately

The White House today released a statement announcing that President Donald J. Trump had now concluded his annual 100 Day winter vacation and was now officially prepared to take up his duties as Commander in Chief.

“The President wishes to acknowledge that it has been a long and hard winter.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer, “But now that spring has arrived and the climate is finally tolerable to him, the President intends to finally come to Washington and begin the good work he promised to take on when he was sworn in, in front of record breaking crowds on that, uncomfortably cold and blustery, day in January.”

Spicer continued, “Now that he is back from this, long planned, vacation and sufficiently rested from the exertions of last fall where he, through sheer force of will, changed the very face of politics in winning by the largest electoral margin in the history of this or any republic, he is now ready to begin the, exceedingly simple, task of keeping all, some or at least one of the promises from his hundred day pledge.”

Addressing an increasingly skeptical press corps, Spicer said.  “The President is, of course, aware that things have not gone swimmingly during his, well earned, three month vacation.  This is the danger of delegation.  The people he carefully vetted, sometimes giving them more than two or three minutes of consideration, have not performed their required tasks up to the President’s exacting standards.  Not to mention the ‘low energy’ people he has had thrust upon him by the vagaries of the electoral process.  Paul Ryan, for instance, was assigned the important job of carrying the President’s water and has, instead, spilled it all over the House floor, utterly overwhelming the swamp drain we had recently installed.  Devin Nunes, quote, ‘wimped out, and recused himself rather than continue his important work obstructing justice and has therefore caused numerous public relations issues affecting the President and his most important allies and finally, to quote the President,  ‘My press secretary couldn’t lie his way out of a speeding ticket.  Sad!'”  Spicer paused and looked around nervously for a moment, then began shuffling papers.  “I…uh…I think I may have the wrong statement here.”

“Nonetheless,”  Spicer continued, gaining steam, “the President wants to assure the American People that he is now rested and ready to begin the work you voted for him to do, that of dismantling the government, taking healthcare away from millions of Americans ,and generally lowering the level of public discourse.  With his firm hand now on the wheel, you will not believe the ‘hugely great’ progress he will make before leaving for his fall vacation, when the weather gets too cold.  So for this next hundred days and change he intends to work as hard as he ever has, fighting for what he really believes in, which is…”  Spicer began to shuffle through papers again.  “Uh…I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

Asked who, if the President was really vacationing, was doing all the photo ops, signing of executive orders and giving rambling interviews to the AP, Spicer looked confused.  “Wait, that really happened?  I thought that was Alec Baldwin.”

 

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White House: We’re Too Incompetent For Collusion

In the wake of the latest reports of illegal activity by former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the Trump administration was forced to go on the offensive today in their attempt to combat rumors of collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 Presidential election.  Their latest approach is a bold attempt to cast doubt on the narrative by highlighting their own ineptitude and inaction.

“I did nothing with Russia.”  The President tweeted, in his daily attack on the news media,  “but #fakenews won’t leave  it alone.  Why?  Why not focus on other things I haven’t done.  Like anything!”

“This is so typical of the dishonest news media” said press secretary, Sean Spicer.  “You take one, tiny, story confirming that our, hand picked, former National Security advisor was criminally employed as an agent of a foreign government while advising our campaign and treat it as if it is some kind of scandal rather than an example of the lack of planning and poor decision making that are standard operating procedure for our Administration.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Just because” Spicer continued, “the house oversight committee came to a, vanishingly rare, bipartisan agreement on the fact that this man, who was the President’s hand-picked choice to head our national security apparatus, committed a criminal offense and likely faces jail time for failing to disclose his financial relationship with a foreign lobbying agency with deep ties to the Russian government, you in the fake new community automatically treat it like some diabolical plan?  I think not.  It is far more likely that this, incredibly incriminating turn of events is merely the product of a President with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder meeting far too briefly with a vetting committee apparently unfamiliar with the existence of google.”

Spicer then began to lecture the assembled reporters.  “In your endless search for ratings…and let me just pause here to tell that the President wishes me to remind you that his ratings are the best, the greatest ever…you focus on these unproven allegations of our coordinated attempts to thwart the will of the people, yet you fail to address the core question of our competency to do these things.  Frankly, and I think I can say this with some certainty, you give us way too much credit.  Just look at our record, these last hundred days.  Despite three months of complete, one party control, we have been unable to pass a single piece of legislation.  We have utterly and embarrassingly failed to repeal Obamacare despite that being the sole unifying principal of Republican politics for the last seven years.  We have completely reversed ourselves on the use of executive orders, our relationship with China, payment for the border wall and NATO!    Despite, his reputation as a tough negotiator, the President has not won a single concession from his own party!  The leader of the free world issues decrees in 140 characters or less and we have to communicate with the President by going on cable TV!  Yet you think that we masterminded the single most audacious, complex and successful conspiracy in the history of the Republic?  Really?  We apparently don’t even know which direction North Korea is in!”

When a press pool reporter pointed out that it was the Russians who were the alleged masterminds and that administration officials could simply have followed their instructions, Spicer silently indicated the, newly posted, “Sit down and shut up” signs on the press room walls.  “Am, I not being clear?” he said, “My point is, you are doing a disservice to the American people with your polarizing attempts to delegitimize this President by endlessly repeating these tired old allegations of high treason by the leader of the free world.  It only distracts us and slows us in our, thus far largely successful, efforts to delegitimize ourselves.  All this conspiracy talk, is just talk.  I’ve worked here for months now and I can tell you for certain that we are just not up to the task folks.”

Shortly after the press conference, senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway made an appearance on Fox News to clarify the Administration position.  “I think what Sean was trying to say was not that we are not up to the task because we are totally up to the task , but rather, and I think our record thus far proves this point, that we just wouldn’t be any good at the task.”  Glancing at a monitor, she adjusted her positon to better display her, tastefully designed, “IvankaTrump.com” T-Shirt.  “I mean, let’s face it, I can’t even manage to make a TV appearance without violating Federal Ethics laws. How could I possibly mastermind the theft of an election?”

Asked if using incompetence as a defense was really the best approach for this embattled White House, Conway only smiled.  “Incompetence, is not necessarily a disqualifying factor for employment.  Just look at CNN.  Even after their coverage of the Presidential campaign, everyone there still has a job.  And look at all the pollsters.  Compared to their results, our performance doesn’t look so bad now does it?”

 

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Citing Climate Data, Trump Signs “New Coastline” Development Initiative

In the wake of a new report detailing accelerated deterioration of Antarctic ice, the Trump administration abruptly reversed its position on Global Climate Change, and are now embracing the potential cataclysm for its, heretofore unexplored, financial upside.

“Antarctic ice melting REAL fast.  Who Knew?” The President tweeted. “Huge economic opportunity!  Think beaches!  Think Condos!  I do.  Smart! #cantstopwinning”

“The President, as we all know, is a pragmatic and dynamic thinker.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer.  “He is not bound, as so many in Washington are, by rigid ideology.  He is perfectly willing to change his position, sometimes between questions in an interview, if presented with persuasive information.  It is now clear to him that the phenomenon of Climate Change, which until yesterday was a myth, is now a problem of global magnitude.  But instead of hiding behind weak measure such as clean air requirements and higher fuel mileage standards, which only serve to weaken the economy, the President has decided to take a pro-active, pro business, approach to the impending catastrophe by signing the “New Coastline Development Initiative.”

Spicer then unveiled a new map of the United States, highlighting the new, post flood, coastline, based on, previously ignored, Environmental Protection Agency estimates.  “As you can see, some 95 thousand miles of inland territory is about to become coastal.  Nearly 100 thousand miles of fresh, virgin beach just waiting to be developed.  The NCDI will immediately make available government protected lands, such as the Adirondack Park in New York state, for development of oceanfront leisure facilities, lodgings and restaurants.  Additionally, the government will be invoking eminent domain rights on any affected, privately owned property so that it may be made available, to the highest bidding developers.”  He waxed poetic for a moment.  “Just imagine it.  Where once there was nothing but verdant farmland and inconveniently democratic leaning cities, there will now be ocean breezes, overpriced condominiums and folksy seafood restaurants.  Where once there was squalor, there will now be only nature’s magnificent beauty.  Where once there were mountains, there will now be majestic islands.  And, at last, Disneyworld will be able to provide an authentic “Under the Sea” Ariel experience.”

Asked how the administration intends to deal with the migration of the, potentially millions, of affected citizens in the coastal regions of the US, Spicer replied, “The President has long been a fan of the documentary film ‘Waterworld’ and he believe that it demonstrates how a band of dedicated people can, when working together for the common good, find a way to survive, even thrive, on the unforgiving waters of the global sea.  The Trump administration intends to fully support these efforts rooted in the American spirit and guided by cutthroat principles of American business.  We will protect their floating colonies using the full might of the US military.  Unless, of course, they drift out of American territorial waters, at which point they will become refugees and you are familiar with the President’s policies on refugees.”

Though a quick glance at the flood map, indicates that Washington, D.C. would be in serious danger of inundation, Spicer says the President is unconcerned.  “Though we have had some difficulty in the past, we believe that the swamp drainage system we installed in January should be able to deal with the excess water.  The President wishes to assure the American people, or what is left of them, that the Government will continue to function with the same efficiency as it does today.”

A global flood would not only affect the United States, however.  Asked if the U.S. should bear some responsibility for the global disaster, because of the nations inordinately large carbon footprint, Spicer said.  “You are making an incorrect assumption, yet again!  You fail to understand U.S. strategy.  North Korea won’t be much of a problem if they are underwater now will they?”

Humanitarian issues aside, one might suggest that this is a risky investment scheme, even by Wall Street Standards.  The timeline for the coming apocalypse is inexact, as will be any estimate of where the new tidelines will be.  Spicer is in agreement about the uncertainty, but does insist that the government’s approach is the most logical capitalistic one and an extension of existing policy.  “We can’t give you exact data, because Scott Pruitt has already deleted all of the research from the EPA servers, but we can promise the American people that we will move forward with this new, job creating, economic plan with all possible speed.  It is now, and always has been, the policy of this administration to do everything possible to promote global warming.”

 

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Trump: First 100 Days Does Not Include Weekends

In the face of a looming political deadline, and a list of, thus far, unfulfilled promises related to that deadline, the Trump administration today released a statement clarifying a key detail of their “100 Day Plan To Make America Great Again.”  Current criticism, the administration claims, is unwarranted due to a fundamental misunderstanding of the timeline.

“Clearly, the President never intended for Weekends to be included in the count.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer. “The middle class American Worker, those people who came out, in such numbers, to vote for us during our landslide popular vote loss, fought long and hard for the fundamental right not to work on weekends.  In fact, I believe you can sum up the entire American labor movement over the last century into the bedrock principal, ‘we don’t want to work weekends.’ The President only wishes to express his clear support of that principal for all workers, with the exception of those fulfilling vital caddy and wait staff duties at Mar-A-Lago, by proudly extending that principal to his own work as Commander-In-Chief.  I think you will agree that this has been clear from the very beginning and therefore, any criticism of our apparent lack of progress of any kind is entirely premature.  We still have plenty of time to get it all done.”

There have been 14 weekends since the President’s inauguration, which would, under the new guidelines, seem to extend the 100 day deadline by another 28 days.  This would seem, to many observers, to still present a tight deadline for carrying out the President’s plans, which included, but were not limited to, such ambitious items as repealing and replacing Obamacare, complete overhaul of the tax system, ending illegal immigration, and eliminating corruption in Washington, D.C.

Asked about the difficulty, even considering the new timeline, of meeting these obligations on schedule, Spicer was quick to anger.  “There you go again, all of you dishonest media, attempting to twist the facts for your own narrative!  No one said 28 days! Some of those were long weekends!  And let’s not forget the Holidays either.”  Spicer began ticking off, on his fingers, relevant Holidays.  “President’s day, that’s a big one to the POTUS, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Passover, cause he likes to be inclusive, International Women’s Day, cause you know how much he respects the ladies…uh..Groundhog Day and Mardi Gras cause that ought to be a national Holiday am I right?”  After approximately ten seconds of silence, Spicer continued, more calmly. “And let’s not forget the weekends that are still coming up before the hundred days expire.  Then, of course there are the congressional vacations.  I mean, you can’t expect the President to accomplish anything while his partners on the hill are nowhere to be found.  In fact, when you add all this up, I’m confident that the President’s first 100 days will last well into next January, at which point the President’s re-election campaign will be well underway.”

Though many in the public remain skeptical, select insiders are excited by the new possibilities.  Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee immediately announced that he was limited all committee investigations, even those he is recused from, to a schedule of no more than 100 days per year, a benchmark which is, coincidentally, approaching rapidly.  “Guess we’ll have to wrap it up till 2018.”  Nunes said.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos stated, with similar alacrity, that henceforth all “inconvenient” expenses, such as teacher pay and school lunch programs would be proportionally based on a formula of 100 days pay per 365.  These cost cuts will go into effect as soon as she can have someone figure out what that proportion is.

This new policy of Presidential solidarity with the working class, still remains a hard sell for many outside of Washington.  Asked how this policy relates to the nearly 60% of the workforce who are hourly employees, and would, besides not being able to support themselves, most likely, find themselves out of a job if they only showed up a third of the time, Spicer said “Well this is obviously a complex situation and therefore it is not possible to generalize.  Generally, however, those people don’t make enough money to be of concern to us.  They’re not really what pays the bills for us.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Democratic leadership seem unconvinced by the President’s arguments.  “I think the President hugely overestimates what he can accomplish in one years time, at least based on his accomplishments so far.”  Said Minority Leader Charles Schumer. “And looking at his schedule, going forward, it’s obvious he has missed at least one further opportunity for the lessening of his load.  Somewhere along the line he is almost definitely going to need time off for the impeachment hearings.”

 

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O’Reilly Suffering Vertigo After Rapid Exit From No Spin Zone

Recently ousted Fox News star Bill O’Reilly was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital this morning, due to “injuries and general disorientation” caused by his, too hasty, departure from the “No Spin Zone.”

“For the last 21 years Mr. O’Reilly has occupied a unique position at the center of a no spin zone.”  Said Marc Kasowitz, O’Reilly’s attorney. “He was, literally, the only stable point in a world spinning out of control.  Those of us outside the zone cannot fully comprehend the velocity at which the spin was taking place as we are inherently part of that corrupt system.  When Mr. O’Reilly was forced, due to, completely unfounded, allegations of sexual misconduct, backed by no evidence other than a $15 million settlement to discourage further investigation and disclosure, to leave his current employment at Fox, it was his understanding that he would be able to take the zone with him.  However, owing to certain, disputed, contractual obligations, he was forced to leave the no spin zone behind.  The resulting entry back into the zone of spin was somewhat jarring and resulted in this, temporary, hospitalization.”

Observers of Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden exit, describe a shocking scene as he was ejected from the premises and out into the street in front of Fox News Headquarters.  “He came flying through the air and landed on his…well… on his backside, right in the middle of the Avenue of the Americas! It was fast!”  Another spectator put it more bluntly.  “It looked like somebody threw him out on his ass.”

This explosive egress, though, no doubt, spectacular to see, is easily explained, scientifically.  “It’s centrifugal force.  Simple as that.” Said Richard Feynstein, a physicist at Cornell University.  “Any object that is suddenly thrust into a rotational system is going to get thrown.  Look, it’s largely a matter of perspective, relativisticaly speaking.  From Mr. O’Reilly’s perspective, at the fixed center of the system, it would appear as if the world was revolving around him.  To those us outside his bubble, as any fan of science could tell you, he would appear to be spinning wildly in the opposite direction.”  He paused a moment to summon a more accessible image.  “From above, this system would look something like a full sink or, perhaps a toilet bowl.  The drain is a fixed point but the rotational system is easily visible as the water swirls down the drain.  Sort of like Mr. O’Reilly’s career now that I think about it.”  He paused for a chuckle.  “Sorry, a little physics humor there.  The point is that Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden change of state, from employed to unemployed, was bound to cause some disruption, the full extent of which will take some time to measure.”

According to a source at the hospital, Mr. O’Reilly’s condition is stable and he is merely being treated for scrapes and bruises acquired during his expeditious expulsion as well as a persistent case of Vertigo caused by his sudden change in career trajectory.  But they were quick to point out that his situation could very easily have been worse.  “Mr. O’Reilly was forced out the exit so quickly that the doorknob had no chance to hit him on the way out, which would have, no doubt, exacerbated his injuries.”

Initial reports indicated that Mr. O’Reilly would be released today but, sources now tell us that the pugnacious pundit has suffered further injuries while in the hospital.  Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly was attempting to grope one of his nurses when, owing to his severe disorientation, he inadvertently found himself fondling the genitals of a local biker, present as part of the ‘Chrome and Crayons’ run for sick children.  Details of what happened next are sketchy but, according to one source:  “Let’s just say this.  He won’t be sitting easily, at an anchor desk, or anywhere else, for the foreseeable future.”

 

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