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Trump Prepares For Chinese Diplomatic Visit With Fire-Drill Practice

In an effort to regain his “diplomatic mojo” after several high-profile embarrassments, President Donald J. Trump has taken it upon himself to plan the entire itinerary for Chinese President Xi Jinping’s upcoming visit to the United States.  This, unprecedented action is designed to prevent the visit from becoming “boring.”

“He’s a powerful man.  He needs to be shown a good time.”  The President stated.  “He’s Chinese.  I’ve eaten at a lot of Chinese restaurants, so I understand his culture.  This is gonna be the best visit!  The greatest!”

In consultation with cultural sensitivity advisors Stephen K. Bannon, Kellyanne Conway and Stephen Miller, the President has designed what he describes as “a real good time.”  Attention is being paid to every detail, he says, in order to “roll out the red carpet for the Chinaman.”

Sources confirm that the President has been drilling his secret service agents on stopping the car, getting out, switching seats and resuming motion as quickly as possible.  “They call it a Chinese Fire drill.”  the President said, “But I bet my guys can do it faster than his.  America First!”  Reportedly the agents have been practicing this skill at least 6 hours a day for the last week.  “We’re gonna do it at every stop light.” the President stated.  “He’s gonna love it!”

“Then we are going to stop off at this laundry I know.  For a family reunion.”  When asked what family Jinping, the leader of the most populous country on earth, has at a Florida laundry, the President looked confused, “He’s Chinese, right?  They’re Chinese too. ” Asked if he thought that assumption might be culturally insensitive, Mr. Trump replied, “Hey there is nobody more sensitive than me.  Anyone will tell you that.”

“So after the laundry, we’re off to dinner at the Panda Express.  Love their food, you know.  Then it’s time for some sport.  Steve-O there”  the President said, indicating Mr. Bannon, “plays a mean game of Chinese Checkers.  I’m confident, he’s going to beat them at their own game.”

When advised that Chinese Checkers is not, in fact, Chinese but Germanic, Trump turned to his advisors and said “Is that true?”  After a moment of whispered consultation Stephen Miller, visibly red in the face, stated.  “I think you will find that the President’s assertions in this matter are 100 percent correct and his judgement will not be challenged!”

“Then, after the game,” the President said, “we’ll see how things go.  We might play some Ping-Pong or, if we’re too tired, we’re gonna settle in and watch a Kung Fu marathon.  I’ve got the whole series on DVD.”

Asked when they would get to the delicate business of negotiating the nation’s, somewhat strained, relationship with the People’s Republic of China, a rival nuclear power and fierce economic competitor, Trump waved it off.  “We’ll get to that,” he said. The President then detailed his negotiation icebreaking plans.  “For the first half hour,” Trump said, “anything that Jinping says, anything at all, I’m just gonna shout out ‘in bed’ after he says it!  That should really loosen things up.”

 

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Nunes to Investigate Presidential Approval Rating Fraud

Former Trump campaign advisor and, rigorously impartial, chair of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes, today announced a significant new track for the committee’s investigation into foreign interference in the U.S. political system.  Effective immediately the committee’s focus will shift to the possibility of Russian interference with the approval ratings of President Donald J. Trump.

This information was presented at a, hastily convened, press conference in a congressional stairwell.  “I have just been shown, by confidential sources inside the White House…and this has been corroborated by reputable contacts on Twitter…, evidence of a widespread campaign, by Russian intelligence agencies, to artificially depress the approval rating of our Commander in Chief, Donald J. Trump, in an attempt to delegitimize our most cherished Government institutions, and lessen our standing on the world stage.”

Asked to comment on the nature of the information, Nunes said.  “I cannot comment specifically, but I can say this.  In terms of these accusations, I think the Presidents, so called, approval numbers are evidence in themselves.”  In the most recent poll, the President’s approval rating stood at 38%, slightly up from a low of 35%. “These number defy credulity.  After having won the biggest electoral victory in history and having welcomed the largest inaugural audience of all time, we are now expected to believe that our President is less popular than traffic jams, root canals and hipsters?  I don’t think anyone can rationally believe that.”

When reminded that his claims about crowd size and electoral math were both provably false, Nunes responded, “I cannot comment further as these “facts” you are asserting are the subject of another, possibly related, investigation.”  Asked to clarify this, he stated, “Russian disinformation is a powerful thing.  Trust me, I know.  We will investigate any and all evidence suggesting collusion between government of Russia and members of the Democratic leadership and their efforts to destabilize our government by making our President appear to be ineffectual and disliked.”

When pressed to disclose what evidence he had seen to support these claims, Nunes said, “Let’s just say I’ve been hearing thing.  Big things.”  Hearing a noise in the stairwell, Nunes nervously looked over his shoulder and then continued, “Let me just say that I think the voting public will be surprised at what this committee, under my steady leadership, will turn up on this matter.  I want to assure the American People that this committee will not rest until it has come to a conclusion I am satisfied with.”

Asked about claims, raised by some Democrats, that the President is using unsubstantiated accusations such as these to distract attention from the ongoing investigation into his campaign team’s possible ties to Russia,  Nunes responded, “All such claims are being referred to the Secret Service for investigation, as should be all such attempts at character assassination.”

Facing a barrage of questions, Nunes then pushed past the assembled reporters saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell the White House what the White House just told me.”

Asked for comment on these explosive allegations, press secretary Sean Spicer said, “It is White House policy never to comment on an ongoing investigation.  So all that I am able to say at this time is that it is all true and that the American people should be very upset that the Democrats would put our nation at risk by colluding with a sworn enemy to further their own political ambitions.”  As he sprinted for the door, Spicer then said, “And did I mention that Obama tapped the President’s phones?”

Reached for comment, Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence committee, said that he had been, thus far, unable to locate Nunes to discuss the evidence.  “We just don’t know where he is these days.  It’s almost like he’s hiding from us.”  Asked to comment on Russian involvement in President Trump’s historically low approval ratings, Schiff said.  “Oh, I think we can be pretty sure Russia had something to do with that.”

 

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Witches Against “Trump Hunt”

In a show of solidarity with President Donald J. Trump, after his comments condemning the “Russian witch hunt,” a representative of the Covenant of the Goddess, an organization representing practitioners of Neo-Paganism, came forward to condemn similar practices directed toward the President.

“We are heartened by the President’s support of our fellow witches, who are currently living on the run in Russia.” said Morgana Ravenwood, a spokesperson for the Covenant.  “We were both surprised and pleased to learn that the leader of the free world was so concerned about the plight of these brave souls, persecuted for their religious beliefs by the violent autocratic regime of Vladimir Putin.  We hereby join with him in condemning this Russian Witch Hunt!”

In a recorded statement issued via YouTube, Ms. Ravenwood said. “We at the Covenant of the Goddess stand against persecution in all of its various forms and therefore must condemn, in the strongest terms the Trump Hunt being undertaken by the media and law enforcement organizations within this country.  Our bill of rights guarantees freedom of religion for all, regardless of belief system.  Though many of Mr. Trump’s beliefs, such as that climate change is a myth, or that he won the popular vote, may seem bizarre to the witches of my coven, we believe that his right to hold such beliefs must be vigorously defended.  If the President truly believes for instance, in the existence of alternative facts, or that Democrats are to blame for the AHCA failure, we must support his right to believe these things, regardless of how ridiculous they seem to my fellow worshippers of the Triple Goddess.  The bedrock of our belief system is tolerance and acceptance, traits that, I am certain, are embodied by our current President.”

Asked if the President had viewed the statement, press secretary Sean Spicer stated that the President “viewed the first few seconds but, as he is a busy man and as he rated Ms. Ravenwood as no higher than a four, he moved on.”  He then criticized several female reporters for taking notes “with an attitude” and left the room in a huff.

Former Delaware congressional candidate, and witchcraft dabbler, Christine O’Donnell broke her silence and chimed in on Twitter.  “I’m still not a witch,” she said “But if they don’t worship Hecate, they are heathens. If Trump goes along he could start to lose.  Badly”

Secretary of education Betsy Devos, was quoted as saying.  “Witches?  Are they the ones with the pointy hats, or the female dogs?  I always get them confused.”

Asked how President Trumps policies align with the ideals of a religious organization that focuses on empowering women and protecting the environment, Ms. Ravenwood said  “I haven’t really studied all of his policy positions but, how bad could he be?  It’s not like he’s going to dismantle the EPA or brag about sexually assaulting women, is he?”

 

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Flynn Seeking Immunity From Measles

In a correction, issued today, coucil for former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn clarified the General’s, highly publicized, immunity request. Flynn was, according to council, simply seeking preventative medical treatment against common diseases, most specifically, measles.

Robert Kelner, attorney for Flynn, explained “The General’s comments have been taken out of context  to suggest that he was, in some way, violating the law and pursuing protection. This could not be further from the truth.  The simple fact is that my client has just been informed by his physician that he requires an MMR booster and, since his resignation, he has lost access to his, taxpayer funded, medical insurance program and he is, therefore, seeking assistance in obtaining this.”

The MMR vaccine, which protects against measles, mumps and rubella, is generally administered in childhood.  When asked why Flynn would need such treatment at this stage of his life, Kelner responded. “It is merely a precautionary measure.  As you may know, cases of measles have been on the rise in Russia and, owing to my client’s frequent and close associations with so many Russian citizens,  his physician felt it best to take a better safe than sorry approach.  The General is currently without insurance and as these health risks were undertaken entirely at the behest of the current President, we feel it only right that the government offer assistance in this matter.”  He then added, with the faintest hint of a wink, “Measles are, of course, our chief concern but we would be open to any and all other offers of immunity the government might wish to extend.  He’s probably going to need them.”

When reminded of Flynn’s  2016 remarks, in which he drew an association with immunity requests and clear guilt, Kelner consulted his associates and then replied “General Flynn will also be requesting a tetanus shot after having been hoist with his own Petard. Petards are notoriously rusty after all.”

Asked about the charges that Flynn, while working on the Trump campaign, was paid more than $500,000 for work on behalf of the government of Turkey, Kelner was quick to respond.  “This is another mischaracterization.  My client is a committed and principled vegetarian.  His Turkey advocacy is a result of his feeling that our Thanksgiving practices are barbaric.  He may have been misled in some to the details. End of story.”

When asked what Flynn plans to do if his immunization request is rejected, Kelner said, “Thank God they didn’t repeal Obamacare.  This situation would be a complete disaster without that to fall back on.”

 

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Trump to Nunes: “Intelligence is Overrated”

In a closed door meeting with Rep. Devin Nunes and several other assistants, sources confirm that President Donald J. Trump vented his frustrations with the intelligence community and their ongoing probe into possible Russian collusion with his election campaign.

“These intelligence people think they know everything.”  the President stated, “Well they don’t!  Intelligence is overrated!”

Nunes, the chair of the House Intelligence Committee and, as previously reported, a fair and impartial arbiter of the facts, appears to have taken the President’s words to heart. Immediately after the meeting, Nunes called a halt to all further investigations and advised the committee that, until further notice, no decisions will be made based on intelligence.  He then gave a, hastily assembled, press conference announcing his plans to re-brand his task force as the “House Surety Committee.”

“I think you will agree” Nunes said, “that this name change now more accurately reflects the direction this committee will be taking, under my guidance.  The President assured me today,” he continued, revealing further details of his private conversation, “that it has always been his policy never to overestimate American Intelligence.  I think truer words have never been spoken.”

Emboldened by positive response on Capitol Hill, the President decided to go public with his pronouncement. “Intelligence is overrated!” he tweeted, “These people see things but Just. Don’t. Get. It.”

His words were immediately embraced by his supporters. Republicans in congress, who have long railed against the obtrusiveness of intelligence into peoples lives, celebrated the message.  Fox News immediately redoubled their efforts in their, long running and extremely successful, “War On Intelligence” campaign.  The Trump campaign immediately began issuing products bearing the 2020 campaign slogan:

Others were not so pleased at the President’s pronouncement.  Senator Bernie Sanders, of Vermont said, “I believe that those possessing intelligence should be treated more seriously in this country. Certainly more so than they were during the last campaign.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, reached for comment shortly after the President’s “Intelligence is overrated!” tweet, seemed somewhat despondent.  “While I, as always, agree with the President, I now face the difficult task of finding a replacement slogan for the Department of Education.”

 

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Nunes Recuses Everyone Else From House Investigation

In an unexpected turn of events, House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes today announced that he was recusing every other person involved in the House investigation of the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia.

“I have come to the conclusion that the only way to be sure of a fair and impartial evaluation of the facts of this case is to be sure that the facts of the case are impartially and fairly evaluated.  I am famous, among anyone I’ve ever bothered to ask, for my impartiality, and, if I do say so myself, I am the fairest in the land.  Therefore it only makes sense that I should run this investigation according to my standards of fairness.”

Nunes decision was a surprising one, coming, as it does, at a time when he is under intense scrutiny for his handling of the investigation. Critics  have called for his recusal, citing his close ties to the Trump campaign.  Nunes was quick to dismiss such talk  “They’ve got it all wrong.” He said. “Who better to investigate these allegations than a person who already knows exactly what went on during that campaign?”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was quick to praise Nunes decision.  “This is clearly the most efficient way to resolve these serious matters.  With Nunes’ fair and impartial guidance, we will quickly come to the right conclusion, at which time we can move on to the big, important issues, like restricting what bathrooms people can use.  Oh, and getting rid of food stamps and Medicare, those sorts of things.”

Nunes states that, under his singular leadership, we can expect a speedy resolution to this controversy , a possibility that would not exist under a different approach.  “Other voices will simply muddy the waters and other delaying factors, such as witness testimony, or the presenting of evidence, will only mire us in hopeless red tape.  What we need now is clear and decisive action to uncover the truth, which is whatever the President tells us it is.  And he is famous for his grasp of the truth.”

 

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Trump To Intel Committee: Investigate Family From “The Americans”

Frustrated by continued scrutiny of his campaign’s dealings with Russia, and unable to divert investigators attention to alleged Clinton scandals, President Donald J. Trump focused today on a far more insidious threat.  He directed the attention of the House Intelligence Committee to the “very real” Russian ties of Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, the protagonists of the FX series “The Americans.”

“Why isn’t the committee investigating the Jennings?  Phillip and Elizabeth have very real ties to Russia!  Trump Russia story a hoax!” the President tweeted this morning. In a follow up tweet, he said “Every week, I learn something new about their organization, yet NOTHING DONE!  Committee instead chases Trump fiction!”

The Americans is a television series, set 30 years in the past, about Russian sleeper agents, living in suburban Washington, D.C.  Neither the fictional nature of the series, nor the distance in time has deterred top government officials from responding to the President’s call for action. Attorney General Jeff Sessions immediately dispatched a cadre of FBI agents to DuPont circle to examine each and every record from the Jennings’ imaginary travel agency. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, immediately proposed legislation cutting funds to both Medicaid and Welfare programs “until such time as all undocumented workers can be vetted to determine what ties, if any, they have with the, now defunct, U.S.S.R.”

Approached for comment on these latest allegations, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, said “Well, It’s at least as credible as any other story he has given us.”

Devin Nunes, chair of the Intelligence Committee, said that he found these revelations to be “the most troubling I have yet heard.”  He then vowed to throw all committee resources into the Jennings investigation as well as a parallel Russia probe, the top secret details of which he was just made aware of, known only by the code name “Moose and Squirrel.”

 

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Trump Blames AHCA Failure on Illegal Immigrants in Congress

Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act.  After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.

In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.”  These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.

Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information.  He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.

When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand.  The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense  at all.”

Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.

“I think what people respond to with this President,”  Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on.  As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”

When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said.  “Wait!  He said what?”  Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”

Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”

 

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Unable to Secure Park Place, Trump Raids Community Chest

Despite his legendary negotiating prowess, President Donald J. Trump was unable to close a deal that would have allowed him exclusive development rights in the coveted Boardwalk/Park place corridor.

The deal, against which the President had staked much of his dwindling capital, was reportedly moments from completion when the title holders suddenly increased their demands and threatened to withhold support for his ambitious plans.

Trump immediately went into negotiating mode. He quickly surrendered control of his utilities, the loss of which would prove to have devastating and perhaps life threatening effects on his tenants. Undeterred by this, Trump plunged, with reckless abandon, into deal mode. He next gave away his interests in the railroad system, arguing that public transportation is an unnecessary luxury. As a final gambit, he bargained away most of his real estate holdings around the low rent district of Connecticut and Vermont avenues, which he described as “too liberal” for his taste.

But in the end, the parties were unable to come to an agreement around the sensitive subject of free parking rules, and Trump, who had thought he was holding all the cards, found himself struggling to make it to the next pay day.

Trump’s reaction was swift and fierce. He kicked over the game board and announced he was quitting. He would not play again until he could amend the rules to his liking. His new target was the community chest, the rules of which he found far too arcane and socialistic. “What kind of prize is $75 bucks for a beauty contest?” he was heard to rant. He stated that he was going to change the reward structure so that all fees collected would be used to improve the properties in the exclusive Marvin Gardens area. He then vowed to elimate the income tax square entirely and to repeal the luxury tax and replace it with a voucher system. He then proposed raiding the remaining bank assets to begin building a wall around the, overly brown, Baltic avenue neighborhood.

At the end, even these changes proved unsatisfactory, and the President announced he was walking away from the table forever.  It seems unlikely, however, that he will long be able to resist the urge to again roll the dice on the future of the American people.

 

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Federal Smoke and Mirrors Budget Doubled

The recent Federal budget, proposed by President Donald J. Trump, contains a provision that would, by 2018, double the existing allocation for Smoke and Mirrors.  This represents the largest single increase in this federal program since the second year of the George W. Bush administration.

Since first enacted in 1968, the Smoke and Mirrors program has been one of the four pillars of the Federal budget.  Along with Defense, Social Security and Medicare, the highly successful program represents the lion’s share of all Federal tax dollars spent annually and is, some would argue, the guiding principal behind most functions of our government.  With this in mind, perhaps,  the President’s budget would make steep cuts to the Medicare program and reassign much of these savings to the expansion of the Smoke and Mirrors program.

Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget, recently explained these decisions.  “We can no longer afford to spend money on programs that do not yield results.  Despite the outrageous amounts of money spent on Medicare, people continue to get sick. This, I think, by any metric you care to measure constitutes a failed program.  Smoke and Mirrors, conversely, has been, and continues to be, a tremendous success. You need look no further than the results of the last election to see this.”

The President’s budget plan has received much criticism for its draconian cuts to social programs, such as Meals on Wheels, but this major increase has gone largely unremarked on by the media. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal said  “Of course we noticed the increase. It’s the largest single increase of any federal program…excuse me a second.” He said, investigating a buzzing alert on his phone.  “Look,” he said, “the President just tweeted something about SnoopDogg!”

Asked for comment on the increase, press secretary Sean Spicer said “This represents nothing more than the President doing exactly what the American People hired him to do, and it is what he does better than anyone else.  And furthermore,” he added, as he edged away from the podium, “were you aware that former President Obama personally tapped the phones at Trump tower?”

As of this writing, it is unclear whether this provision of the President’s budget will be made law.  It is important to note, however, that I just found out about this site where you can make a kitten punch the president.  Apparently Trump threatened to sue…wait, where was I?

 

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