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Ryan Announces Revolutionary New Health Lottery Plan

Succumbing to conservative pressure over  his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.

“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.”  Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers.  “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare.  It is time for new thinking and new approaches.  It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”

Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.

Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans.  Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan.  “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare.  They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once.  They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties.  Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”

Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only.  Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas.  According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.”  In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?”  “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”

Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct.  “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families.  We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here.  This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money.  Like investment bankers.”

When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines.  It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”

When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid.  “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy.  Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”

 

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Trump: “No Evidence That Russia Exists”

The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on  FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.

“Comey lied, and I can prove it!”  The President tweeted.  “No evidence that Russia exists.  It’s just not there.  No such place. Fake news!”  He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’  made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss.   Supposed to win but lost!  Sad!”

When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear.  The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”

When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated.  “All I can tell you is this.  The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be.  The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland.  It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”

Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall.  It notably, does not feature Russia.

In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.”  “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there.  I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so?  I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014  Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.

President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by.  Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims.  “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”

 

 

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My Triumphant Return (25 Years Too Late.)

They say you can’t go home again.  While this may be a surprise to anyone who has ever spent some time living out of mom’s basement (and who hasn’t?), it is generally considered a truism.  Like many truisms, it is also obviously untrue on its face.  Of course you can go home, unless the place has been swallowed by a sinkhole or had a mall built over it.  I mean, the place is probably still there right? You just might not be welcome anymore.  That can lead to some nasty business involving guard dogs and restraining orders, generally ruining your memorial day weekend.  But I digress.

The point of the saying is, I guess, that places may not change, but people do.  Still, I wonder if even that is true?  I had the opportunity to put this to the test the other night, when I gave a theatrical performance at my old Alma Mater, Ithaca College.  Just about a month shy of 25 years after my graduation, I found myself performing on the same stage where I, as a youth, had seen so many musicians, comedians and performers ply their trade a quarter century ago.  While I like to think I acquitted myself nicely and put on a show that was, arguably, funnier than that of some comedians I witnessed in that space, it was, indeed, a strange homecoming.

When last I had been in that room I was a young man, a boy really, full of wild dreams and bursting with ambition. Now I was a man (or at least a manchild) creeping up on 50, looking out at a world that once was and pondering the thousands of days and tens of thousands of decisions, that turned that boy into me.

I did not feel the way I expected to.  I had thought, frankly, that this would be just another show.  Another night in a role I had played 50 times or more. The easiest thing in the world.  Instead, it was a night full of ghosts.  Shadows of friendships neglected or forgotten.  Phantoms of campus romances long since fizzled.  A sudden longing for a Rogan’s pizza (I recommend getting pepperoni and black olive.  Tastes great and nobody ever tries to steal a slice because of the black olives) or a trip to the commons.

But chief among these specters, these remnants of the past, was that of me.  A dirt poor kid, who never had anything to rely on except brains and raw talent, suddenly let loose into a larger world.  A kid who was gonna make movies the whole world would want to see.  A skinny, gangly, youth who knew, even when times were dark, that his inspiration would never fail him.  That there would always be another character, another line of dialogue, another fresh perspective on the world.  A young man who could crank out a thirty page script in a five hour, Mountain Dew fueled, frenzy of typing and find that it needed little or no editing.  The same kid who is now struggling to grind out these few paragraphs.

I was unstoppable then, and yet, somehow, I was stopped. I don’t really know why that is.  The unfailing inspiration failed, I guess. I never did any of those things I thought would come so easy.  I didn’t reinvent the world of cinema and I have yet to see my name up on shining marquees.  I almost certainly will not retire to riches untold and universal acclaim.  My legacy will be somewhat different. But, looking back, I have done some work that I am proud of and I hope to do more.

They say you can’t go home again but I don’t believe that is true.  For that young man, who shares my headspace, Ithaca College was as much of a home as any place he had ever known.  What I found out upon my “triumphant” return was that it still felt like home.  I have a new home now, full of those that I love, and that is as it should be, or else my life would truly have been a failure.  But there is a power in a place where you first came to know yourself, and that power persists through the long years.  The other night, when I stepped out of the van onto that campus, I felt the same thing I felt when I was 18 years old and first looked out from the hilltop over that unmatched view of Cayuga lake.  A sense of wonder and possibility and of serenity as well.  And, for a while, he was with me again, that confident and unstoppable youth I have spent so much of my adult life trying to find.  For I know that he is still in me, somewhere, and still has much to offer.  This trip down memory lane, though melancholy, served to remind me how close he truly is.

So, I say you can go home, and you should as often as possible.  Unless there is a restraining order.  Then you might want to skip it.

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White House: “Swamp Drain is clogged.” Immediate job openings.

In what he has hailed as a “huge step forward” in his job creation plans, President Donald J. Trump today announced a major hiring initiative.  He is seeking plumbers and other skilled craftsmen to deal with, what has become an increasing problem in the early days of this administration, the rising waters of the Washington swamp.

The President campaigned heavily on the promise to “drain the swamp,” but, in the weeks since his inauguration,  NASA satellites have documented a sudden and relentless increase in the depth of the waters.  Top FEMA officials, speaking under condition of anonymity, expressed grave concerns about possible overflow into the surrounding states.  One noted “It all flows downhill from here.”

The drain, installed, with moderate fanfare, on January 20th, appears to have been defective from the outset.  Just minutes after completion of the work, swamp levels had visibly begun rising at an alarming rate.  Amid growing public distress, administration officials have been hard pressed to find an acceptable explanation for the flooding.  Kislyak-Flynn General Contractors, the firm responsible for the installation, have remained silent on the issue.

The President weighed in on the controversy in a series of  tweets early Saturday morning.  “Swamp drain clogged due to Obama’s poor plumbing.  Shameful!  Plumbers needed immediately.”  This was followed, seconds later, by “More jobs created!  Huge step forward!  Promise kept!”

The President’s words seem to contradict statements made, less than a day earlier, by press secretary Sean Spicer.  When reporters, standing in a fetid pool of water in the White House press room, questioned the administration’s response to the flooding, Spicer lashed out.  “This is fake news!” he said, as he adjusted his snorkel. “Any appearance of overflow is merely the successful result of our efforts to stop leaks in this White House.  Those efforts have been largely successful.  That’s the real story here.”

EPA administrator Scott Pruitt was quick to address the issue.  “It is the judgment of this department that the current situation is not the result of human activity.  It is, rather, the result of a natural process of corruption which has been slowly underway since the formation of the planet, some 5 thousand years ago.”

Senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway addressed the issue of floodwaters, while appearing on “Fox and Friends” Friday morning.   “I think this presents a perfect opportunity” she said, as she curled her feet onto the couch in an effort to avoid the noisome ooze,  “to buy Ivanka’s new line of swimwear.”

While opponents of the administration regard the threatening glut as an existential crisis, others regard it as a unique opportunity.  Several top administration officials told this reporter that the growing quagmire and the President’s hiring request, have given the administration cover to try a radically different approach to their governance.  “Until further notice,” the source stated, in a dramatic departure from previous policy, “the White House will only hire candidates with the necessary qualifications for the required tasks.”

As of publication of this article, few details have been released about the available jobs.  Pay is expected to be at the Federal minimum wage and, in keeping with current administration policy, no benefits will be provided.

 

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The Guy From CNY Breaks His Silence

Welcome to the world of Guy From CNY, your one stop shop for information that you will never need and ideas you’ve already had.  I’m just getting started with what, I hope, will be a long and fruitful diversion from the problems of the real world.  I hope you will come along for the ride.

I used to write comedy.  A lot of it.  Some of it was even funny.  A solid 30 percent anyway.  I’ve written and performed, to some small degree for television, radio and stage.  To be fair, the TV stuff was about as small scale as you can get, so it may not, strictly, count but, as full disclosure does not seem to be necessary in the current climate, I’m gonna pretend I was a huge star.  Someday, maybe, I’ll post some of that stuff but my intent here is to create something new.

I don’t write anymore, and I haven’t in a while.  I miss it. That’s what this is really about, I guess.  I’ve got three failed novels hanging out on various hard drives, a few scripts that have ended in cul-de-sacs of endless repetition, none of which I can bring myself to resurrect.  Basically, I haven’t had a lot to say, in a long time.  I’d like to blame it all on writer’s block but, probably, I’m just lazy.  Writing a novel takes a lot of time, despite the quality of some of them you may have read.  If you put in the work and finish one, how are you gonna get anyone to read it?  It’s a lot of work for something no one will ever see.  Trust me.  And I have a day job, and a mortgage.  Plus, I’m kind of old, which never helps.

So I may not have a surplus of motivation, but I do, occasionally, have ideas.  The kind that don’t require, you know, that much time to flesh out.  And I suddenly find I have a lot of things I want to talk about.  So, while I wait for the bigger inspirations, I’m gonna start with the basics, and try to remember the joy I used to find in writing.  I hope you’ll find some joy here too.  Maybe some laughs as well.  Hope springs eternal.  It has to when you live in the snowiest city in America.  (Again, that may not be, strictly, true but I’m going to swear by it anyway.)

More to come.

-The Guy