Steve Bannon loves puppetry. It’s his abiding passion. The beating heart behind his every action. But now, his lifelong pursuit of excellence in this, obscure, discipline has forced him into a momentous decision.
“I have decided it is time for me to step down from my position on the principals committee of the National Security Council.” He stated, in a heartfelt press conference. “I have come to the conclusion that my assigned tasks there, muddying the waters and discouraging investigations into Russia, though worthy endeavors in and of themselves, only serve to take time away from my life’s work: Bringing joy to people’s lives with my colorful character creations.” Bannon paused to wipe an errant tear from his eye. “I feel that my work in that area has suffered as of late and I, find myself at risk of losing the fan support that has brought me this far. I cannot, in good conscience, continue with these other distractions while my true work suffers. I therefore pledge to the American people that I will redouble my efforts and, with renewed focus, breathe fresh life into my menagerie, give increased vigor to their actions, and endow greater conviction to the words I place in their mouths.”
Bannon’s penchant for puppeteering encountered stiff resistance during his years serving in the U.S. Navy. His efforts, though mighty, were rebuffed by his Senior Officers who informed him that it was, and always had been, the CIA who orchestrated all puppet operations for the U.S. Government and, until such time that there successes in this area faltered, it was unlikely that this would change.
Chastened, Bannon put his ambitions on hold. Upon entering the business world, he took his first, tenuous, steps forward with his art. Sources confirm that, during his time with Goldman Sachs and later with Bannon & Co., he was instrumental in the manufacture of several industry puppets in the Securities and Exchange Commission.
In 1993 he took over the Biosphere 2 project in Arizona. This research project, which Bannon had misunderstood to be an improvisational comedy experiment, predicated on the ridiculous concept of climate change, soon proved an artistic dead end and he moved on after only two years.
It was only after a frustrating time spent in the mainstream entertainment industry, in which he had minimal success asserting his outsider’s ideas on puppetry into a film industry that already had a long and proud history of such manipulation, that he found a home where his work could flourish.
From the moment he established his creature shop at Breitbart News, it became clear that he had come into his own as an artist. He immediately put his stamp upon the burgeoning cable news world. Under his complete control, such outrageously comedic characters as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and the, completely over the top, Weeping Glenn Beck, exploded in popularity.
So successful was this venture, in fact, that the work threatened to overcome him. “Fox News wanted me to be on all the time, 24/7.” Bannon said, in an exclusive interview. “It got to be exhausting. You just can’t be that ridiculous for that sustained a period of time without risking burnout. Yet people could not get enough of it. I began to feel really trapped. It was a dark time, and during all of it, I couldn’t help but think that there was more I could be doing. A bigger and better stage to share my art.”
Despite the phenomenal popularity of his work with Fox, Bannon made the difficult decision to move on. He handed over his puppeteering duties to a number of his apprentices at Breitbart, whose work has continued on in his proud tradition. But art cannot be restrained for long, and was soon burst forth in his next project, the project that will likely define his legacy for generations to come.
It is perhaps ironic that Bannon, who is known for the incredibly realistic nature of his puppets, that his greatest creation is anything but. The obnoxious, orange tinted, floppy haired creature that Bannon refers to, lovingly, as “The Donald,” veers dangerously into the world of caricature. Nonetheless, it is, undoubtedly, his greatest success. The antics of this puppet, replete with unfounded bravado, misogynistic overtones and hilarious narcissism, proved to be the breakout hit of the 2015-2016 season, dominating virtually every form of media.
“It was startling, the success.” Bannon said. “The more offensive I made him, the more popular he became. It was clear we were entering new territory. I mean, the gloves were totally off. Comedic gold!”
The hilarity rolled on for the entirety of the year. The jokes became more elaborate, the behavior more offensive, and still “The Donald’s” popularity continued to grow. “It was out of control.” Bannon said. “I could do nothing wrong. I tried. When I released the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape, I figured that would be the end of it, that would be too far, but it wasn’t.”
The Donald and his crew rolled through every, comedically questionable, minefield unscathed. And, in the end, the joke was on the American people, when Bannon’s puppet was elected the 45th President of the United States.
“I mean, nobody believed that was going to happen. Least of all, me.” Bannon said. “I mean, I guess there is no limit to what people will believe if you put it on TV enough.”
After his initial elation at the enormity of his success had passed, the enormity of the task before Bannon began to sink in. “Now, I was gonna have to do this every single day for like 4 or even 8 years. That’s a lot of material to produce.”
Never one to quit, though, Bannon put his head down and went to work. He decided to expand the cast of characters, surrounding the President elect with a cadre of “consultants.” Whether it is the adorable, but dim-witted Kellyanne, the hapless Sean Spicer or even Stephen Miller the “angry fascist,” these lifelike mouthpieces never fail to entertain.
But even so, the strain was starting to show on Bannon. “I wasn’t so sure anymore. People just suddenly didn’t seem to be enjoying the show. Who knew it could be so hard to govern?”
It is because of this, the “death spiral” he has detected in the quality of the entertainment, that Bannon has decided to set all other duties aside and recommit to the work. “I can get this back on track.” he said “Really. This is just the second season slump. Wait till we ratchet up the complications, like with a war or something. Then people will be riveted again. I promise.”
Privately though, his confidence may not be all that high. Sources close to the “administration” say that Bannon has secretly set up a series of “consultations” with other masters of public manipulation. Next week, they say, he has blocked out 4 days to spend in the company of the greatest puppetmaster of them all, former Vice President Dick Cheney.
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