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Mitch McConnell Announces Zombiecare Initiative

After weeks of speculation, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today released details on his, much anticipated, Senate version of the AHCA.  Defying all expectation, the bill will not be an austerity based, budget hawkish, program but will instead rely on a revolutionary new treatment protocol.

“This pill will make all the difference for hundreds of millions of Americans!” McConnell said, holding aloft a small, green tinted, capsule, as he addressed a small gathering from the steps of the Capitol building.  The new drug, produced via a partnership between Bristol-Meyers Squib and the CDC, will, according to McConnell, provide the solution for all known medical problems.

“We asked ourselves, what group of our citizens have the absolute least need for expensive medical care,” McConnell said.  “The answer is, of course, the dead.  But very few people actually wish to be dead.  With this revolutionary treatment, the American people can have the best of both worlds.”

McConnell went on to explain that after only one dose of the drug, known as “Putrifican,” patients would go to sleep, cease all healthcare requiring processes, and awake, three days later.  They will then be able to go on with all of the most important aspects of life such as going to work, texting emojis, and watching reality TV.

“And they will never, repeat, never, need healthcare again!” McConnell said, grinning from ear to ear.  “The savings will be incredible!”

The treatment, which has been in development since late 2010, has already shown astounding results during various testing phases.  McConnell was able to cite many success stories for the protocol, including the voting record of his home state of Kentucky and the continued box office success of the “Transformers” series.

Asked about the tremendous secrecy surrounding the development of this plan, McConnell said, “That’s just good entertainment.  Gotta keep them guessing.”  He allowed himself a small, self-satisfied, chuckle.  “Bet those Democrats never saw this coming.  When they called it ‘Zombiecare’ they just had no idea.”

Asked about the many concerns citizens might have about the quality of life or, more appropriately, death for the hundreds of millions who would undergo this treatment, McConnell was very direct.  “Just put a smartphone in their hands,” he said, ” and I guarantee you that no one will be able to tell the difference.”

Asked for White House comment on the controversial protocol, deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said.  “Brains….Brains….Eat Brains….”

When pressed on the likelihood that the American people would accept this radical solution, McConnell admitted that there might be some resistance, but praised the work of the President in pointing the way forward.  “I admit, the Democrats might take issue with this,” McConnell said, “but the Trump voter will swallow anything we tell them to.”

 

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Comey Tapes Released But No One Able To Find Tape Player

In a shocking turn of events, a tape purporting to be the, much sought after, recordings of private conversations between President Donald J. Trump and former FBI Director James Comey, has been received by a Washington Post journalist.  A team of forensic specialists, audio engineers and legal advisors  stand at the ready to verify and report the, possibly explosive contents, just as soon as anyone can locate a functioning cassette player.

“It’s more than a little frustrating,” said Art T. Andaloof, the rookie reporter who received the anonymous parcel, “We are  in possession of a tape that may the key to the story of the century and no one in the news room has any way of playing it back.”

Andaloof says that they have approached every single staff member at the Post in an attempt to locate a tape deck, Walkman or tape equipped boombox, but to no avail.  “Let’s be honest, half of our reporting staff have never even seen one of these things,” he said.

The tape, which arrived in an enveloped postrmarked 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was wrapped in one sheet of expensive White House Stationary.  On the paper was a cryptic, handwritten note reading: “Guess this is what everybody is looking for!  Told you I had it all along.  Good luck playing it though.  LOSERS!  #MAGA”  The tape itself is unremarkable, a Realistic 90 minute cassette with what appear to be the words “Hot and Heavy Mix” crossed out and “Talks With Comey, Top Secret” written over them in Sharpie.

“I know it’s a little premature to say, but this feels like the real authentic deal,” said Andaloof.  “I just wish they had updated White House taping system since the Reagan era.  I mean, even if it was on Mini Disc, I probably know a guy who could play it but this 3.8 mm analog stuff belongs in a museum.”

Except that, apparently, no local museum has one that works.  “We though of that,” said Andaloof, “but it appears there was a break in at the Smithsonian recently.  They took nothing but the various cassette players.  Guess these things are pretty rare and popular.  Same thing on ebay.  Looks like some guy named Drumpf has been buying up all the stock.  Looks like vinyl isn’t the only archaic technology about to make a comeback.”  He then added, “I guess hipsters will buy anything.”

At this point, Andaloof has exhausted all the leads he can think of.  “I thought we had a breakthrough when I remembered the cassette deck in my Grandfather’s buick.  I rushed to his place to give it a play but it turns out he’s had the same tape stuck in the player since 1981 and, after two hours of trying, we were unable to pry it out.  Worse than the disappointment is that I had to spend two long hours listening to Oak Ridge Boy’s recording of ‘Elvira.’  Try getting that out of your head, when you are trying to concentrate on Journalism,” he then continued, muttering under his breath “Giddy up, ba-oom papa oom papa mow mow.”

The Post is currently reaching out to other news organizations for help on the technological problem, as well as scouring Both Angie’s and Craig’s respective lists trying to find a qualified repair person for the old, cassette based, answering machine that was located in a supply closet near the reception desk.  Thus far, they have located no one.

In a, possibly related, story, the White House today announced that, despite their firm commitment to bringing back jobs in completely outdated industries they will specifically be doing nothing to restore the, long dormant, magnetic audio tape trade.

Though progress has been slow on this blockbuster story, Andaloof wishes the public to know he has full confidence that the issue will be resolved.  Once we dig up one of the se dinosaurs, we will, at long last, have the real story.” The Washington post, furthermore, recognizing the historic nature of this information, intends to freely share it with all concerned parties.  “We will be distributing copies of the recordings,” Andaloof said, “Just as soon as we can locate a second recorder to dub the audio.”

 

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Trump Appoints Christopher Wray to Head FBI Because He Loved Him in Winnie The Pooh.

President Donald J. Trump has, in recent days, been effusive in his praise for Christopher Wray, his nominee for the top position in the FBI, citing a deep personal connection he felt to the former assistant attorney general because he had seen him in so many fine children’s films over the years.

“When I heard that Christopher Wray was available for this job, I was thrilled!”  Trump told a group of supporters on Wednesday.  “When I looked at him, and remembered the examples of his wisdom and strength, as portrayed in the classic  Winnie the Pooh tales written by, that great American, Walt Disney, I knew there could be no better choice.  I thought to myself, who better to defend this nation against domestic terrorism than a man who, even when he was just a boy, always managed to protect and comfort the inhabitants of the hundred acre woods.  He really knew how to keep the peace.  In all his time, only one Tigger got past the wall and I don’t even need to tell you about the Heffalump profiling program.”

Trump continued, visibly tearing up.  “I will never forget his timeless words ‘we’ll always be friends forever.’  That’s what I want in this job.  A friend, who isn’t mean to me.  A friend who will always be loyal.”

When reminded that was actually speaking about a fictional character named Christopher Robin and not to Christopher Wray, the Yale educated defense attorney and former justice department official, Trump brushed it off.  “I never paid much attention to the part of the cartoon with the words.  I don’t like too many words.  I like my own words.  And this Christopher Wren guy, well Priebus picked him out.”

When asked about the President’s mistake, chief of staff Reince Priebus said, “Oh, bother!!” and locked himself in his office.

Attorney General Jeff Session, when briefed on the misunderstanding said, fretfully, “Oh d-d-dear!” and immediately recused himself.

President Trump said he would meet personally with Wray at Camp David, where they could relax by a private stream and get to know each other over a bit of honey and a game of pooh sticks, before getting on to the serious business of finding Sean Spicer’s missing tail.

 

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Trump Blocks Comey on Facebook

In a misguided effort to prevent his former subordinate’s, possibly explosive, upcoming Senate testimony, President Donald J. Trump has blocked former FBI director James Comey on Facebook, Twitter and all of the President’s subscribed social media platforms.

“Blocked!  Your move, Comey!” Trump tweeted, early this morning.  “Wait, what did you say?  I can’t hear you.  Cause you’re BLOCKED! Now no one is listening.  #toobadsosad”  He followed this a few minutes later with “Always blah blah blah, Russia, blah blah blah obstruction, blah blah blah indictments.  #NoOneCares BLOCKED!”

“This is an great and welcome move by the President,” said Presidential advisor Stephen Miller.  “The President has every right to control the type of information he consumes.  And it is the absolute duty of every American not to tell the President things he doesn’t want to hear.  When certain rogue elements persist in trying to deliver information, this is what they can expect to get.”  He then bit off the head of a live squirrel and stormed away.

Response to this decision has been almost universally praised on the Republican side of the aisle. “This is a brave and innovative approach to avoiding criticism and dissent,” said Rep. John Katko of NY’s 24th congressional district.  “I have instructed my staff to immediately replicate this courageous action by blocking all followers on Facebook and Twitter as well as cancelling all future town halls for the balance of Mr. Trump’s time in office.”

“What this is really about is the free exchange of ideas,” said press secretary Sean Spicer, “the president is against it.  Specifically, he is against Mr. Comey freely exchanging ideas or his so called ‘facts’ with anyone, including the Senate or the FBI.”

Asked whether the President was aware that blocking Comey on social media would not affect anyone else in their ability to hear what the former FBI Director had to say, Spicer quickly looked back over his shoulder and said, “Shhhh!  Don’t tell him that.  He doesn’t need to know that!”  He then looked out at the assembled media.  “Wait, I’m not on TV am I?  I specifically said I don’t want to be on TV!”

Spicer then mimed getting on an elevator and slowly descended behind the podium.  As of this writing, some four hours later, he has not re-emerged.

What remains unclear is why the President took the action of blocking Comey, rather than unfriending him, which would seem the more decisive action.  “He just likes the sound of ‘blocking’ better,” said top advisor Stephen K. Bannon. “Besides, as this Russia business has heated up, the President’s list of friends is getting pretty thin.”

 

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Carly Simon reveals “You’re So Vain” not about Trump, but other song is

It was one of the greatest mysteries in pop culture for decades: who was the inspiration for singer-songwriter Carly Simon’s smash hit “You’re So Vain?”

President Donald Trump released a series of scathing remarks about Simon when she revealed in a recent Rolling Stone interview that as he probably thought the song was about him, she had won the bet.

“Many girls have dreamed I’d be their partner,” Trump tweeted. “I grabbed on to a few of their dreams.

“Carly Simon is a washed-up has-been who won’t reveal it’s me, because she knows after that she’d fade like those clouds in her coffee.”

Simon, through her agent, retorted that she had already confirmed in 2015 that the second verse was about Warren Beatty. She denied allegations that the “apricot scarf” in the first verse was a tribute to  either Trump’s flowing hair or his skin tone.

She also dismissed claims that it was Trump’s horse that won at Saratoga. A check of previous track results show that his horse, “Electoral College,” may have claimed first place but the photo finish suggests it was edged out by “Popular Vote,” a horse owned by Bill & Hillary Clinton.

Remarkably, Simon has offered an olive branch by offering to update and release another significant hit from her catalog in honor of the President. The updated single, “Nobody ‘Duhs’ It Better,” is scheduled for release in early July.
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Lorax Detained by Secret Service After Appearing on White House Lawn

White House security was on high alert today as a mysterious orange creature with floppy hair suddenly appeared outside the oval office and demanded to see the President.

Secret service were initially confused as to the proper course of action towards the cartoonish figure, who was found wandering the grounds and ranting about the Paris Climate Accord.

“At first we thought it was just the President having another one of his senior moments,” said a Secret Service agent involved with the encounter, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “From a distance, they look kind of similar actually.  But when we cuffed the suspect it became immediately apparent that the intruder’s hands were much too large to be those of the President and we immediately detained him for questioning.”

The interloper, who identified himself only as “The Lorax” appears to have had environmental issues on his mind when he appeared, with a popping sound, directly outside the President’s office.  He was heard to say that he spoke for the trees,” and also the beasts and the skies and the seas.”

“He kept ranting about the President’s environmental policies,” our source said.  “I frankly didn’t know there were so many colorful rhymes for ‘carbon emissions'”

Under questioning by the Secret Service, the Lorax would only repeat what he said was his personal message to the President.  “Shame on you sir, for there is nothing noble,  in selling our future off to Exxon/Mobil.”

Asked to comment on the incident, senior Presidential advisor Kellyane Conway would only say that the incident was “Typical liberal hysteria.”  She then encouraged people to check out the new Thneed collection on IvankaTrump.com.  “I think you’ll agree that Thneeds are something everyone needs. So you should definitely buy a bunch,” she said.

Press secretary Sean Spicer, had this to offer on the controversy.  “I, and I think I can speak for the President here as well, have only the greatest respect for trees and foliage of all kinds, without which I would have no place to hide when being asked difficult questions.”

The President was somewhat less conciliatory in his response to the incident.  “Don’t cry to me, with your eyes scrunched and squiggly,” he tweeted, “we’re growing our factories, growing them BIGLY!”

 

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Trump Health Plan Not to Cover Reporters

In the wake of, then candidate, Greg Gianforte’s body slamming of a Guardian reporter, an event that resulted in both a misdemeanor assault charge and an electoral victory for Gianforte, the Trump administration was quick to adapt to the changing political landscape, swiftly adapting their signature Healthcare legislation to encourage further such incidents.

“The American taxpayer should not be forced to foot the bill for some nosy reporter who was, through his own irresponsibility in arrogantly pursuing the duties of a free press, given the smackdown he deserves,” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “I mean, if we are seriously expected to shell out good money every time a Republican candidate finds themselves unwilling to take a stand on the President’s policies and is therefore forced to smash the reporter’s teeth in, then this will be a very expensive election cycle indeed.  We simply can’t afford such largesse during these difficult financial times.”

“Therefore,” Mulvaney continued, “the President has instructed congress that he wishes to see an immediate change, tentatively titled the ‘open season amendment,’ to the AHCA which will eliminate, from all coverage pools and subsidies, anyone identifying themselves as a member of the press.  Additionally, there will be a surcharge, known as the ‘PITA’ tax, for any employer providing such benefits to members of the press.”

Noting the stunned silence among the assembled press pool, Mulvaney said, “This is the only policy that makes financial sense.  Clearly this sort of thing is going to continue to happen as long as these, so called, fourth estate types continue to ask for logical explanations of illogical stances and reasoned defenses of indefensible policies.  And if we do provide such expensive care, after each, richly deserved, ass beating, there is absolutely nothing to stop the offenders from coming back and asking inconvenient questions again.  Our only choice in the matter is whether to pay or whether not to pay.  We have now made that choice.”

The President came out strongly in support of this measure, tweeting,
“#Openseason on the press!  Give em a Gianforte welcome! Press are #enemiesofpeople.  Except those we like.  Looking at you #foxandfriends”  He followed this with a second, more puzzling, tweet.  “When is #Oreillyfactor coming back?  That’s a long vacation.  Great guy, Bill.  Knows how to treat the press and the ladies.”

Despite a thorough search of all the surrounding shrubbery, members of the press corps were unable to locate press secretary Sean Spicer for comment.  A source close to the administration told us that Mr. Spicer is in hiding, under the, clearly mistaken, assumption that anyone at all would mistake him for a responsible member of the press.

Mulvaney then stated that the funding cutbacks would not be limited to medical coverage.  Severe cutbacks to other portions of the social safety net would also be necessary to deal with the looming financial and electoral crisis.

“We can’t just waste expensive police resources on responding to every snowflake reporter who gets his clock cleaned while pursuing some obnoxious first amendment fantasy.  We are, of course, hopeful that these incidents happen more frequently, as these bottom feeders try to hold Republican politicians to account for their support of the destructive and hateful policies that the President has championed.  Police involvement would be both wasteful and a waste of time, as we all know that the assaulters will be let off with a slap of the wrist.  With this in mind, the President will be issuing an order to all law enforcement agencies to instead focus their energies on their principle duties, such as keeping a certain element out of your communities, if you know what I mean.”  Mulvaney then winked at the horrified reporters.

Asked whether the injuries sustained by Ben Jacobs, the assaulted Guardian reporter, would still be covered, as they occurred prior to the amendment, Mulvaney replied, “Being a member of the press qualifies as a pre-existing condition.  At least until we can wipe them out of existence.”  He then punched the reporter in the face and left the room.

 

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After Montana GOP Victory, Trump Proposes Election by Combat

Following the Montana special election, in which GOP candidate Greg Gianforte was rewarded with a congressional victory one day after being charged with assault for physically attacking a journalist, President Donald J. Trump has proposed sweeping changes to the electoral system, in order to allow for such “patriotic freedom fighting.”

“We can’t beat them on facts, so let’s just beat them up!”  Trump tweeted, upon learning of the victory, “#GOPGladiators are coming for you snowflakes!”

Trump’s plan, drafted, after careful deliberation, during a late night cable news binge, would replace the expensive and inefficient voting system with a, multi-tiered, candidate selection system based on single combat.  “Sort of like professional wrestling but, you know, business casual.  Image is everything,” said Trump.

The plan, tentatively titled “Project Thunderdome” would divert $50 billion in infrastructure funds, previously earmarked for bridge and highway repair, for the purpose of constructing enormous “election centers,” complete with stadium seating, vending areas and a sophisticated network of multi angle, ultra HD broadcast facilities.  Taxpayers would have the opportunity to watch the election bloodbath in person or through various for fee streaming and cable services.

“This is great television!  Great television!  Believe me.  I know.  And it will pay for itself,” Trump said.

This may, in fact, be true.  Interests has already drawn the interest of some high profile advertisers, most notably PR savvy companies like Uber and United Airlines.  Earnings for the first congressional cycle alone are expected to stretch into the hundreds of billions.  “Huge money!”  Trump tweeted, “Huge!  And secure too!  Let’s see the Russians hack this!  #MAGA”

The bold proposal does present some logistical issues going forward.  “Clearly we have some issues with our bench,” said Ronna Romney McDaniel, chairperson of the Republican National Committee.  “I mean, I think Paul Ryan will do quite well in these contests but can anyone really imagine Mitch McConnell kicking anyone’s ass?  I don’t think so.  And then there is the Ted Cruz problem.”  McDaniel refers to the fact that, in the several hours since the proposal of the plan, some 42 Republican Senators have approached Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer, offering to switch parties in exchange for a chance to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“The 2018 contest could be a little Rocky,” McDaniel admits, “but we feel pretty confident about our future recruitment pool.  We’ll stand our base against their Kale eating crowd anytime.  No contest.”

This plan, as appealing as it seems to some, is not without flaws.  Setting aside the, relatively minor, issue of subverting the constitution. there remains the issue of spending federal dollars to build massive facilities that will be used, essentially, one day a year, at best.

“Maybe, but what a day that will be!” Trump said.  “Fifty channels of carnage!  Tremendous ratings!”

McDaniel is more practical about the usage.  “You are forgetting about all the special elections,”  she said, “Plus, the primaries.  They go of forever.  To fill the remaining time we can have lots of press events.”

When asked what constituted a press event, McDaniel replied, “Do you honestly think our voters wouldn’t pay to see us feed Anderson Cooper to the lions?”

This story has been updated to contain the following information:

President Trump’s new electoral plans have been dealt a strong blow today when, during his training for the 2020 contest, Trump was punched out by the 7 year old daughter of his trainer.  She is expected to take the oath of office next week.

 

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World Relieved as Trump Visit to Vatican Fails to Trigger Armageddon

By M.J. Frost, contributor

Millions of people worldwide, both believers and non-believers, breathed a collective sigh of relief as President Donald J. Trump’s visit with Pope Francis at the Vatican failed to trigger and of the predicted signs of the end times detailed in the Book of Revelation.

The critical exchanges between the two men, detailed by the media over the last year, had led even those of the strongest faith to nervously wonder if four men on horses might arrive in St. Peter’s Square along with the Trump entourage.

“We both agree we need to work toward peace,” Trump said.  “We’ll finally get it when I bomb those bad dudes back to the Old Testament.  Losers!”

Pope Francis pressed Trump to respect the environment and presented him with a copy of the Pope’s encyclical on the topic.  He also urged the President not to withdraw the United States from the Paris Climate Accord.  Trump responded that Paris was a “great, great city.  And the French are a great people.  Outstanding.  I love the way they kiss.”

Eyebrows were raised by the outfits worn by Melania and Ivanka Trump.  Both wore black dresses with long sleeves and both wore black veils on their heads.  Although their clothing aligns with protocol for most women who visit with a Pope, the outfits led even some top Vatican official to mistakenly assume they had come for purposes of mourning.

“Considering what he has done to the credibility of America, it was an honest mistake,” said one Cardinal.

“No it wasn’t,” whispered Melania Trump.

The visit did provide some awkward moments.  Reminding the Pope of last years statement that “those who build walls are not Christian,” Trump said, “I just went to the big wall in Jerusalem and you don’t see any problems with Mexicans sneaking in there.  I’m just saying.”

Trump also angrily denied rumors that, instead of inserting a prayer into the Western Wall, he hid his tax returns.

Theologians now believe that what spared the world from a more apocalyptic incident was the notable absence of Steve Bannon, the Trump aide who is a Catholic but has publicly criticized the Pontiff as a socialist and Muslim sympathizer.

Bannon was said to have broken off from the Trump entourage early, angry that there would be no arms deal similar to the one procured in Saudi Arabia.

“So much for that ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ stuff,” Bannon was overheard saying.  “I mean, how am I supposed to get Gog and Magog ready, if they are not properly equipped?”

Trump, meanwhile, told reporters for the blog Fascism, Faith and Family, that he was underwhelmed by the Pope’s modest living conditions.

“What kind of Pope lives minimally?  Disgraceful!  Selling himself short,” Trump said.  “I, on the other hand, am like Saint Peter Gabriel.  My heaven will be a big heaven and I will walk through the front door!”

He then stood in the middle of St. Peter’s Square, trying to prove his “Major devoutness and huge humility” by praying “Hail, Mary, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.”

When reminded by Vatican official that, according to the Gospel of St. Matthew, Jesus called out acts of outright hypocrisy, Trump responded by saying, “I always liked Luke better.  He’s the one with the lightsaber, right?”

 

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Snowflakes Sue Donald Trump for Defamation

Permafrost, LLC, an organization representing the issues of snowflakes, ice-crystals and glaciers worldwide, today filed a class action lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump claiming defamation of character based on Trump’s repeated use of the term “snowflake” to denote weakness.

“While this may, at first, seem harmless, merely the facile rhetoric of a, simple-minded, politician desperate to score a few cheap points in the face of unprecedented scandal,” said Crystal Limpid, chief counsel for Permafrost, “But, it is our contention that such rhetoric quickly rises to the level of defamation when it casts our strong community in an unfavorable light as compared to a President who redefines pettiness, and instability.”

“Snowflakes, when gathered as a group are, literally, a force of nature.” Limpid said, “When we put our minds to it, we can shut down the financial and industrial centers of the free world, overnight.  This President gets criticized by Meryl Streep and loses his mind for three days on twitter.  Arctic snow and ice have a significant role in controlling tide patterns and regulating planetary temperatures.  If it gets below 40 degrees the President needs to run to Florida for fear of getting the sniffles.  Snowfall can continue, unabated and undiminished for days at a time, stopping everything in its path.  This guy hops a couple of planes, fondles a glowing orb and is ‘too exhausted’ to give a three minute speech about social media, which is his preferred method of bullying.  Tell me again who is the wimp in this situation?”

“President Petulance is so fond of complaining that we’ve begun to call him the ‘Whineoceros’ around the office,” Limpid said, “Because he’s big and horny and never happy with anything.”

Still, the snowflake community would have been inclined to let the insults go, as they were quite occupied in planning the next three seasons of “Deadliest Catch,” were it not for a remarkable statement made by the President last week.

“When he said that no politician in history had been treated more unfairly than him, our phones began to ring off the hook,” Limpid said.  Within hours they received calls from the Lincoln estate, as well as several Kennedys offering to pitch in.  Even the ghost of Richard Nixon who, as previously reported, has been on record as a Trump supporter, told Limpid “Impeachment is too good for him!”

“The time has come for we in the snowflake community to stand up to this weak-willed, thin-skinned glory hound and demand an apology for his besmirching of our good name.” Limpid said. “We are strong and we are united, which is more than I can say for the Republican party at this moment.  There are trillions of us and not one of us alike.  There are only 238 of them in the congress and each one looks and sounds exactly alike.  This is a battle they can’t win.”

Permafrost’s lawsuit is demanding an immediate apology to all the snowflakes in the world, as well as equal representation in the President’s cabinet.  “I think it is the least he can do to redress this insult to our powerful constituency.”  Limpid stated then, after a pause, added “Oh, and we could also use better health insurance.  Cold and flu season is coming on fast.”

The White House was quick to lash back at these claims of the President’s inherent weakness.  “Make no mistake,” said press secretary, Sean Spicer, “this President is much stronger than any of the snowflakes out there.  These claims are absurd.  While it is true that certain rogue snow elements were able to muster the resources to sink the Titanic in just a few minutes, that was an isolated incident.  This President is so powerful that he has been able to sink this entire country and, perhaps, the world, in a little over 100 days.  Beat that, Snowflakes!” Spicer then immediately retired to a secret cubby, recently installed beneath the podium, to avoid all further questions.

Administration officials have made it clear that, regardless of the merits of the case, they intend to have the last word on this litigation.  “I think you can rest assured,” said, EPA Administrator, Scott Pruitt, “that I will do everything in my power to see this permafrost destroyed before the matter can even make it to trial.”

 

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