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Trump Blames AHCA Failure on Illegal Immigrants in Congress

Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act.  After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.

In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.”  These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.

Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information.  He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.

When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand.  The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense  at all.”

Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.

“I think what people respond to with this President,”  Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on.  As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”

When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said.  “Wait!  He said what?”  Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”

Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”

 

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Unable to Secure Park Place, Trump Raids Community Chest

Despite his legendary negotiating prowess, President Donald J. Trump was unable to close a deal that would have allowed him exclusive development rights in the coveted Boardwalk/Park place corridor.

The deal, against which the President had staked much of his dwindling capital, was reportedly moments from completion when the title holders suddenly increased their demands and threatened to withhold support for his ambitious plans.

Trump immediately went into negotiating mode. He quickly surrendered control of his utilities, the loss of which would prove to have devastating and perhaps life threatening effects on his tenants. Undeterred by this, Trump plunged, with reckless abandon, into deal mode. He next gave away his interests in the railroad system, arguing that public transportation is an unnecessary luxury. As a final gambit, he bargained away most of his real estate holdings around the low rent district of Connecticut and Vermont avenues, which he described as “too liberal” for his taste.

But in the end, the parties were unable to come to an agreement around the sensitive subject of free parking rules, and Trump, who had thought he was holding all the cards, found himself struggling to make it to the next pay day.

Trump’s reaction was swift and fierce. He kicked over the game board and announced he was quitting. He would not play again until he could amend the rules to his liking. His new target was the community chest, the rules of which he found far too arcane and socialistic. “What kind of prize is $75 bucks for a beauty contest?” he was heard to rant. He stated that he was going to change the reward structure so that all fees collected would be used to improve the properties in the exclusive Marvin Gardens area. He then vowed to elimate the income tax square entirely and to repeal the luxury tax and replace it with a voucher system. He then proposed raiding the remaining bank assets to begin building a wall around the, overly brown, Baltic avenue neighborhood.

At the end, even these changes proved unsatisfactory, and the President announced he was walking away from the table forever.  It seems unlikely, however, that he will long be able to resist the urge to again roll the dice on the future of the American people.

 

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Federal Smoke and Mirrors Budget Doubled

The recent Federal budget, proposed by President Donald J. Trump, contains a provision that would, by 2018, double the existing allocation for Smoke and Mirrors.  This represents the largest single increase in this federal program since the second year of the George W. Bush administration.

Since first enacted in 1968, the Smoke and Mirrors program has been one of the four pillars of the Federal budget.  Along with Defense, Social Security and Medicare, the highly successful program represents the lion’s share of all Federal tax dollars spent annually and is, some would argue, the guiding principal behind most functions of our government.  With this in mind, perhaps,  the President’s budget would make steep cuts to the Medicare program and reassign much of these savings to the expansion of the Smoke and Mirrors program.

Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget, recently explained these decisions.  “We can no longer afford to spend money on programs that do not yield results.  Despite the outrageous amounts of money spent on Medicare, people continue to get sick. This, I think, by any metric you care to measure constitutes a failed program.  Smoke and Mirrors, conversely, has been, and continues to be, a tremendous success. You need look no further than the results of the last election to see this.”

The President’s budget plan has received much criticism for its draconian cuts to social programs, such as Meals on Wheels, but this major increase has gone largely unremarked on by the media. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal said  “Of course we noticed the increase. It’s the largest single increase of any federal program…excuse me a second.” He said, investigating a buzzing alert on his phone.  “Look,” he said, “the President just tweeted something about SnoopDogg!”

Asked for comment on the increase, press secretary Sean Spicer said “This represents nothing more than the President doing exactly what the American People hired him to do, and it is what he does better than anyone else.  And furthermore,” he added, as he edged away from the podium, “were you aware that former President Obama personally tapped the phones at Trump tower?”

As of this writing, it is unclear whether this provision of the President’s budget will be made law.  It is important to note, however, that I just found out about this site where you can make a kitten punch the president.  Apparently Trump threatened to sue…wait, where was I?

 

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Ryan Announces Revolutionary New Health Lottery Plan

Succumbing to conservative pressure over  his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.

“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.”  Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers.  “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare.  It is time for new thinking and new approaches.  It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”

Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.

Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans.  Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan.  “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare.  They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once.  They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties.  Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”

Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only.  Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas.  According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.”  In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?”  “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”

Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct.  “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families.  We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here.  This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money.  Like investment bankers.”

When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines.  It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”

When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid.  “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy.  Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”

 

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Trump: “No Evidence That Russia Exists”

The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on  FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.

“Comey lied, and I can prove it!”  The President tweeted.  “No evidence that Russia exists.  It’s just not there.  No such place. Fake news!”  He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’  made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss.   Supposed to win but lost!  Sad!”

When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear.  The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”

When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated.  “All I can tell you is this.  The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be.  The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland.  It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”

Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall.  It notably, does not feature Russia.

In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.”  “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there.  I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so?  I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014  Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.

President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by.  Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims.  “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”

 

 

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White House: “Swamp Drain is clogged.” Immediate job openings.

In what he has hailed as a “huge step forward” in his job creation plans, President Donald J. Trump today announced a major hiring initiative.  He is seeking plumbers and other skilled craftsmen to deal with, what has become an increasing problem in the early days of this administration, the rising waters of the Washington swamp.

The President campaigned heavily on the promise to “drain the swamp,” but, in the weeks since his inauguration,  NASA satellites have documented a sudden and relentless increase in the depth of the waters.  Top FEMA officials, speaking under condition of anonymity, expressed grave concerns about possible overflow into the surrounding states.  One noted “It all flows downhill from here.”

The drain, installed, with moderate fanfare, on January 20th, appears to have been defective from the outset.  Just minutes after completion of the work, swamp levels had visibly begun rising at an alarming rate.  Amid growing public distress, administration officials have been hard pressed to find an acceptable explanation for the flooding.  Kislyak-Flynn General Contractors, the firm responsible for the installation, have remained silent on the issue.

The President weighed in on the controversy in a series of  tweets early Saturday morning.  “Swamp drain clogged due to Obama’s poor plumbing.  Shameful!  Plumbers needed immediately.”  This was followed, seconds later, by “More jobs created!  Huge step forward!  Promise kept!”

The President’s words seem to contradict statements made, less than a day earlier, by press secretary Sean Spicer.  When reporters, standing in a fetid pool of water in the White House press room, questioned the administration’s response to the flooding, Spicer lashed out.  “This is fake news!” he said, as he adjusted his snorkel. “Any appearance of overflow is merely the successful result of our efforts to stop leaks in this White House.  Those efforts have been largely successful.  That’s the real story here.”

EPA administrator Scott Pruitt was quick to address the issue.  “It is the judgment of this department that the current situation is not the result of human activity.  It is, rather, the result of a natural process of corruption which has been slowly underway since the formation of the planet, some 5 thousand years ago.”

Senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway addressed the issue of floodwaters, while appearing on “Fox and Friends” Friday morning.   “I think this presents a perfect opportunity” she said, as she curled her feet onto the couch in an effort to avoid the noisome ooze,  “to buy Ivanka’s new line of swimwear.”

While opponents of the administration regard the threatening glut as an existential crisis, others regard it as a unique opportunity.  Several top administration officials told this reporter that the growing quagmire and the President’s hiring request, have given the administration cover to try a radically different approach to their governance.  “Until further notice,” the source stated, in a dramatic departure from previous policy, “the White House will only hire candidates with the necessary qualifications for the required tasks.”

As of publication of this article, few details have been released about the available jobs.  Pay is expected to be at the Federal minimum wage and, in keeping with current administration policy, no benefits will be provided.

 

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