In the wake of a new report detailing accelerated deterioration of Antarctic ice, the Trump administration abruptly reversed its position on Global Climate Change, and are now embracing the potential cataclysm for its, heretofore unexplored, financial upside.
“Antarctic ice melting REAL fast. Who Knew?” The President tweeted. “Huge economic opportunity! Think beaches! Think Condos! I do. Smart! #cantstopwinning”
“The President, as we all know, is a pragmatic and dynamic thinker.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer. “He is not bound, as so many in Washington are, by rigid ideology. He is perfectly willing to change his position, sometimes between questions in an interview, if presented with persuasive information. It is now clear to him that the phenomenon of Climate Change, which until yesterday was a myth, is now a problem of global magnitude. But instead of hiding behind weak measure such as clean air requirements and higher fuel mileage standards, which only serve to weaken the economy, the President has decided to take a pro-active, pro business, approach to the impending catastrophe by signing the “New Coastline Development Initiative.”
Spicer then unveiled a new map of the United States, highlighting the new, post flood, coastline, based on, previously ignored, Environmental Protection Agency estimates. “As you can see, some 95 thousand miles of inland territory is about to become coastal. Nearly 100 thousand miles of fresh, virgin beach just waiting to be developed. The NCDI will immediately make available government protected lands, such as the Adirondack Park in New York state, for development of oceanfront leisure facilities, lodgings and restaurants. Additionally, the government will be invoking eminent domain rights on any affected, privately owned property so that it may be made available, to the highest bidding developers.” He waxed poetic for a moment. “Just imagine it. Where once there was nothing but verdant farmland and inconveniently democratic leaning cities, there will now be ocean breezes, overpriced condominiums and folksy seafood restaurants. Where once there was squalor, there will now be only nature’s magnificent beauty. Where once there were mountains, there will now be majestic islands. And, at last, Disneyworld will be able to provide an authentic “Under the Sea” Ariel experience.”
Asked how the administration intends to deal with the migration of the, potentially millions, of affected citizens in the coastal regions of the US, Spicer replied, “The President has long been a fan of the documentary film ‘Waterworld’ and he believe that it demonstrates how a band of dedicated people can, when working together for the common good, find a way to survive, even thrive, on the unforgiving waters of the global sea. The Trump administration intends to fully support these efforts rooted in the American spirit and guided by cutthroat principles of American business. We will protect their floating colonies using the full might of the US military. Unless, of course, they drift out of American territorial waters, at which point they will become refugees and you are familiar with the President’s policies on refugees.”
Though a quick glance at the flood map, indicates that Washington, D.C. would be in serious danger of inundation, Spicer says the President is unconcerned. “Though we have had some difficulty in the past, we believe that the swamp drainage system we installed in January should be able to deal with the excess water. The President wishes to assure the American people, or what is left of them, that the Government will continue to function with the same efficiency as it does today.”
A global flood would not only affect the United States, however. Asked if the U.S. should bear some responsibility for the global disaster, because of the nations inordinately large carbon footprint, Spicer said. “You are making an incorrect assumption, yet again! You fail to understand U.S. strategy. North Korea won’t be much of a problem if they are underwater now will they?”
Humanitarian issues aside, one might suggest that this is a risky investment scheme, even by Wall Street Standards. The timeline for the coming apocalypse is inexact, as will be any estimate of where the new tidelines will be. Spicer is in agreement about the uncertainty, but does insist that the government’s approach is the most logical capitalistic one and an extension of existing policy. “We can’t give you exact data, because Scott Pruitt has already deleted all of the research from the EPA servers, but we can promise the American people that we will move forward with this new, job creating, economic plan with all possible speed. It is now, and always has been, the policy of this administration to do everything possible to promote global warming.”
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