In a shocking turn of events, a tape purporting to be the, much sought after, recordings of private conversations between President Donald J. Trump and former FBI Director James Comey, has been received by a Washington Post journalist. A team of forensic specialists, audio engineers and legal advisors stand at the ready to verify and report the, possibly explosive contents, just as soon as anyone can locate a functioning cassette player.
“It’s more than a little frustrating,” said Art T. Andaloof, the rookie reporter who received the anonymous parcel, “We are in possession of a tape that may the key to the story of the century and no one in the news room has any way of playing it back.”
Andaloof says that they have approached every single staff member at the Post in an attempt to locate a tape deck, Walkman or tape equipped boombox, but to no avail. “Let’s be honest, half of our reporting staff have never even seen one of these things,” he said.
The tape, which arrived in an enveloped postrmarked 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was wrapped in one sheet of expensive White House Stationary. On the paper was a cryptic, handwritten note reading: “Guess this is what everybody is looking for! Told you I had it all along. Good luck playing it though. LOSERS! #MAGA” The tape itself is unremarkable, a Realistic 90 minute cassette with what appear to be the words “Hot and Heavy Mix” crossed out and “Talks With Comey, Top Secret” written over them in Sharpie.
“I know it’s a little premature to say, but this feels like the real authentic deal,” said Andaloof. “I just wish they had updated White House taping system since the Reagan era. I mean, even if it was on Mini Disc, I probably know a guy who could play it but this 3.8 mm analog stuff belongs in a museum.”
Except that, apparently, no local museum has one that works. “We though of that,” said Andaloof, “but it appears there was a break in at the Smithsonian recently. They took nothing but the various cassette players. Guess these things are pretty rare and popular. Same thing on ebay. Looks like some guy named Drumpf has been buying up all the stock. Looks like vinyl isn’t the only archaic technology about to make a comeback.” He then added, “I guess hipsters will buy anything.”
At this point, Andaloof has exhausted all the leads he can think of. “I thought we had a breakthrough when I remembered the cassette deck in my Grandfather’s buick. I rushed to his place to give it a play but it turns out he’s had the same tape stuck in the player since 1981 and, after two hours of trying, we were unable to pry it out. Worse than the disappointment is that I had to spend two long hours listening to Oak Ridge Boy’s recording of ‘Elvira.’ Try getting that out of your head, when you are trying to concentrate on Journalism,” he then continued, muttering under his breath “Giddy up, ba-oom papa oom papa mow mow.”
The Post is currently reaching out to other news organizations for help on the technological problem, as well as scouring Both Angie’s and Craig’s respective lists trying to find a qualified repair person for the old, cassette based, answering machine that was located in a supply closet near the reception desk. Thus far, they have located no one.
In a, possibly related, story, the White House today announced that, despite their firm commitment to bringing back jobs in completely outdated industries they will specifically be doing nothing to restore the, long dormant, magnetic audio tape trade.
Though progress has been slow on this blockbuster story, Andaloof wishes the public to know he has full confidence that the issue will be resolved. Once we dig up one of the se dinosaurs, we will, at long last, have the real story.” The Washington post, furthermore, recognizing the historic nature of this information, intends to freely share it with all concerned parties. “We will be distributing copies of the recordings,” Andaloof said, “Just as soon as we can locate a second recorder to dub the audio.”
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