The firing of FBI Director James Comey was due to an unsettling investigation spearheaded by the former director, and not because of his conduct in the Hillary Clinton email investigation, the White House now confirms. President Trump actually made the decision to terminate when he became discovered that Mr. Comey was actively working to re-open the, long dormant, X-Files.
“Let me be perfectly clear.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer, shortly after persistent leaks forced the administration to change their story. “The truth is not out there! And it is a shameful waste of resources to try and pursue it. In fact, I can state, for the record that I, personally, have not seen one trace of truth since the moment I took this job, and I can offer you the President’s assurance that he will do everything in his power to see that it stays that way for as long as he is in the oval office.”
“The truth is out there” was a catch phrase from “The X-Files” a popular fictional television series that ran for 9 seasons, spawned two motion pictures and a 2016 television reboot. It tells the story of two FBI agents who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of wealthy old white men who collude with an alien power to secure themselves, and their families, positions of power after an invasion has subjugated all other humans. These men assist in the subjugation by helping to distribute massive amounts of a black oil which, when humans are exposed to it, creates total loss of free will through a mysterious illness that no amount of, government funded, healthcare can cure. Mr. Spicer was quick to point out that any apparent similarities between the plot of the show and the activities of the current administration were purely coincidental, and not worthy of FBI investigation.
“It’s absurd!” said Spicer. “We do not need some foreign agency to take over and turn our people into mindless sheep that believe everything we tell them unquestioningly. We have Fox News for that. The only aliens we are concerned with are south of the border. Kennedy was not assassinated by the Cigarette smoking man, but rather by Ted Cruz’s father and, most importantly the good people of America have nothing to fear from pure, black oil. And, in unrelated news, the President has taken the next step in moving forward on the Dakota pipeline. More to follow on this.”
“Mr. Comey insisted on pursuing these, ridiculous, conspiracy theories when he had been clearly tasked with finding out exactly when and how former President Obama had placed a microwave oven camera in Mr. Trump’s headquarters. It is because of this willful disregard of the President’s absolute authority and not, as previously stated, because he was mean to Hillary, that Mr. Comey was fired. Furthermore, although the President is greatly appreciative of the fine work done by Agents Mulder and Scully during their active years at the bureau, a time during which they rid this nation of many monsters – like do you remember that guy who could squeeze himself through pipes or that terrifying Mexican Chupacabra – Mr. Trump must regretfully inform then that their services are no longer required. He will be having his personal bodyguard deliver their termination papers to them, as soon as they can be located. We understand that Mr. Mulder’s basement office may be currently underwater, due to the issues we have been having with the swamp drain, and thus he may be difficult to track down.”
Asked who would replace Comey in the, now vacant, position, Spicer said there was only ever one serious contender. “Mr. Trump intends to offer the position to the man he believes to be our finest living agent. We expect that Mr. Dale Cooper will be assuming command as soon as he wraps up the remaining details in the tragic Laura Palmer case.”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter or on my Facebook page.