The incorporeal spirit of former President Richard M. Nixon today congratulated President Trump on his “Wise and judicious” decision to fire James Comey, the FBI director charged with investigation the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 election..
“That’ll show the bastards!” the, heavily jowled, shade said, according to sources present at the impromptu oval office meeting. “That should end the investigation right there! Nothing like a good firing to aid in a full scale cover up, I’ve always said. When I was under investigation, my people told me not to fire anyone. They said it might look suspicious. But I did it anyway. Nobody was gonna push Dick Nixon around. My only mistake was that I didn’t fire enough people. Anybody they send to investigate you, just fire them. What could possibly go wrong?”
The specter of the former President then looked, suspiciously, at the President’s group of close knit advisors gathered around him. “The thing is you have to be sure who you can trust. None of these people would reveal this conversation would they?” Multiple sources report that then the phantom moved close to Trump, who stood, quivering, behind the Resolute Desk, and whispered in his ear. “Because, if the real story ever gets out there, you are screwed.”
The ethereal phantom then drifted towards the oval office door. “Oh and, one more thing. If I were you, I’d write a letter claiming that Comey told you, multiple times, that you aren’t under investigation. Make it sound like you fired him for some other reason. Air tight. They ought to buy that.” He then cast his baleful gaze around the room, nervously. “You’re, uh..not recording this, are you?”
The full bodied apparition which, sources say, manifested as the result of an arcane ritual, involving goat’s blood and the burning of an original U.S. Constitution, performed by Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, proceeded to give a statement to a stunned press corps.
“Today, President Donald J. Trump made the wise and judicious decision to fire FBI director, James Comey. Mr. Comey’s rough handling of Hillary Clinton during the Presidential election, has long troubled the President despite his many, many public statements to the contrary. Comey’s dismissal, which he really had coming, will finally put an end to that regrettable chapter in American electoral history, as well as bringing to a close any other, equally trivial, matters the director may have been working on. With this decision, the President is continuing in the proud tradition of rank hypocrisy, obfuscation, and obstruction of justice that have come to define the Republican party in the years since my administration. This decisive and completely unsuspicious action will, without a doubt, succeed in crushing all dissent and ensuring many more years of successful Republican governance.”
When reminded that Nixon’s own, controversial, firing of the special prosecutor charged with investigating Watergate was a key factor in the initiation of the impeachment proceedings that led to his resignation, in disgrace, from office, the Presidential phantasm only smiled. “Thank goodness the Republicans are in charge of congress this time. Any further investigation into this matter would require assent of a controlling party interested in the principles of good governance. If anyone interested in good governance were in charge, we might have a bit of a problem. With our guys in charge, I can promise you that nothing, whatsoever will be done. And you can trust me on that.”
It is too early to tell what the fallout will be from the President’s, sudden and shocking, personnel decision, but one thing seems undeniably true: The ghost of Richard Nixon will loom large over the Trump White House.
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