As part of an ongoing attempt to modernize workflow, and streamline the functioning of an inefficient government bureaucracy, a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump today gave authorization for his daughter’s website to begin directly selling Presidential influence to the American People.
“Were cutting out the middleman” said the President. “It saves time and money. It’s a win win situation and you know how I love to win.”
“The idea is a simple one, yet revolutionary,” said Ivanka, at a gathering of investors. “In the past the purchasing of influence was complex and onerous task. You had to raise tremendous amounts of money, only to hand it over to some lobbying firm. Then you would have to watch them spread your precious money around funding attack ads, financing countless Senate campaigns and outright buying congressmen before you could even hope to get a chance to bribe the big man. My father and I believe that this is an outmoded way of thinking. It’s wasteful and inelegant. Now, there is a better way.”
She then unveiled a beta version of the new design for ivankatrump.com. It is largely the same as before the addition, featuring the identical muted colors and eye hooking apparel outfits. But now, the “shop” menu has an additional category called, simply, “accommodations.”
“My father campaigned to be the people’s President, and he intends to keep that promise. The purchase of Presidential favors is not longer a luxury afforded only to the rich. As long as Donald J. Trump is in office, our President can be bought and sold on the open market. Like an iPhone, or quality health coverage.”
The beta site lists a staggering array of offerings. For only $50, the consumer can get a personalized photograph. For $500, a letter of recommendation bearing the Presidential seal. For $5000 the President will retweet your message, without regard to content and $50000 will buy you a steak dinner at Mar- A- Lago. If a national security emergency should break out, the lucky buyer would get to photograph the entirety of the top secret decision making process, just as previous diners have.
Virtually every policy position is up for auction, ebay style. “We find that this simplifies matters greatly.” Ivanka said. “My father doesn’t like to spend a great deal of time thinking about policy. He prefers to let the market do the thinking for him. And, as we all know, the market is never wrong. Except for the housing crash. And the implosion of the tech bubble. And most of the seventies. Oh and the Great Depression. But other than that, the market is never wrong.”
It’s not just policy that is up for grabs in this new administration, however. Every single Presidential appointment is on offer, for those with the means. “This part has already been beta tested.” Ivanka said. “How else do you think DeVos got the education job? It certainly didn’t have anything to do with qualifications.”
Not every appointment will cost more than the average person can afford, Ivanka claims. “Some are really quite reasonable. We’re having a fire sale on ambassadorships right now. We can get you the job in Syria for next to nothing. It’s the same for Russia. That job is largely for show though, as Russia already has a much more direct line of communication with my father.” Ivanka said with a wink.
Some appointments are even cheaper than that. It appears, based on a listing in the “clearance sale” section that press secretary Sean Spicer is actually willing to pay someone to take over his responsibilities. His offer price has been steadily rising by the day and still, there are no takers. “That’s what I call job security.” Ivanka said. “The only way he is leaving is on a gurney.”
When asked by an investor if these offerings didn’t constitute open bribery, Ivanka replied “We consider bribery such an ugly word. I mean, it is the right word, but it is ugly and my Father doesn’t like things that are ugly. He much prefers the word ‘enticement.’ He says it is much ‘sexier.'”
Asked about the legal consequences for the enticement policy, Ivanka was nonchalant. “We gave Jeff Sessions a big discount on his purchase of the Attorney General position. He owes us ‘bigly'”
With those, momentary, concerns allayed, the investors expressed their great enthusiasm for the venture, but Ivanka was quick to remind them that this was very much still a work in progress.
“We haven’t really been able to properly price the really big stuff yet. Energy policy, drilling rights, foreign wars, that kind of stuff. We think the sky is the limit on that, but we just don’t yet understand all the market fluctuations.” Ivanka said that the only solid data they have in these matters is what they have been able to discover about the costs and benefits of interfering with a foreign election. “Our Russian partners have been pretty cagey about the details, but it is certainly plain to see what their meddling has cost the American People.”
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