The short list of candidates for the, newly vacated, post of FBI Director, got shorter today as the President informed his advisors that he was nearing a decision on the most appropriate replacement. Among the cadre of unusual choices, the leading contender seems to be, sources report, the one with the code designation “He who must not be named.”
“The President very much likes the way he thinks.” said a source familiar with the President’s thinking. “He’s got the right attitude about immigrants, half-breeds and those who don’t meet our standards of racial purity.” The source, who is definitely not Steve Bannon, said that the former Dark Lord could also be counted on to keep the rank and file agents in line, something which has been a bit of a challenge in recent months.
“He’s not afraid to use the Imperious curse on anyone who persists in investigating things that we feel don’t need to be investigated.” The source continues. “That’s just the kind of leadership we need in these, overly litigious times.”
Lord Voldemort, or “He who must not be named” could face an uphill confirmation battle, if the senate Democrats carry through on their threats to impede all further appointments until a special prosecutor is appointed. “We’ll see,” our source said. “A little touch of the Cruciatus curse and those snowflakes will melt like you dropped ’em in Snape’s cauldron.”
The potential appointment has those on both sides of the aisle concerned. “Everyone who is anyone in the witch community knows all about Tommy Riddle” said former Republican senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. “He does not play well with others and he does not like to share power. ”
This is true on its face. Lord Voldemort, the persona assumed by dark wizard Tom Riddle upon his ascent to the forefront of the dark wizardry community in England, has a sketchy history at best with government. When last Riddle was publicly active, he secretly installed loyalists sympathetic to his evil agenda at every level of the Ministry of Magic, thereby hampering all efforts at investigating his improper actions and shutting down all legal attempts at thwarting his despicable plans. He also installed an unqualified, out of touch, toady as the head of the educational system in an effort to keep the next generation docile and ill informed.
“Trump’s already got all that covered. ” said Senator Al Franken, “He is not just going to allow another showboat to take over the one thing he has actually succeeded at. And who needs an army of Death Eaters to mindlessly follow his lead, when he already has the entire Fox News viewership. And those people will buy his products too. There’s no upside for him. I don’t see it working out.”
Still, many close to the President feel this may be his best decision yet. “They seem like a perfect team to me.” said senior Trump advisor Stephen Miller. “Their authoritarian tendencies mesh really well with the atmosphere we are trying to promote in this administration. And you better agree with me, or I will send out the Dementors!”
The rise of Voldemort has led to the sudden downfall of other up and comers, once in consideration for James Comey’s former post. Before deciding on Riddle, Trump is said to have considered a number of other fictional villains for the position of Americas top cop. Other hopefuls have reportedly included, James Moriarty, the Master, Randall Flagg and, Darth Vader himself, former Vice President Dick Cheney. In the end, none of them could compete with the utter ruthlessness of “You-Know-Who”, the only man on record with a more heartless agenda than that of the 115th congress. “Plus, he’s British,” the source said, “and being around British people makes you seem smart, which the President really kind of needs.”
ironically, his British heritage might represent the biggest hurdle to the Dark Lord’s ascension. Lord Voldemort is not a citizen of the United States and may have difficulties, owing to Mr. Trump’s immigration policies, in obtaining entry to the US.
“This is not a concern” our source informed us. “Riddle has given the required $500,000 to the Kushner family, and will therefore immediately be granted citizenship.”
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