Former Trump campaign advisor and, rigorously impartial, chair of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes, today announced a significant new track for the committee’s investigation into foreign interference in the U.S. political system. Effective immediately the committee’s focus will shift to the possibility of Russian interference with the approval ratings of President Donald J. Trump.
This information was presented at a, hastily convened, press conference in a congressional stairwell. “I have just been shown, by confidential sources inside the White House…and this has been corroborated by reputable contacts on Twitter…, evidence of a widespread campaign, by Russian intelligence agencies, to artificially depress the approval rating of our Commander in Chief, Donald J. Trump, in an attempt to delegitimize our most cherished Government institutions, and lessen our standing on the world stage.”
Asked to comment on the nature of the information, Nunes said. “I cannot comment specifically, but I can say this. In terms of these accusations, I think the Presidents, so called, approval numbers are evidence in themselves.” In the most recent poll, the President’s approval rating stood at 38%, slightly up from a low of 35%. “These number defy credulity. After having won the biggest electoral victory in history and having welcomed the largest inaugural audience of all time, we are now expected to believe that our President is less popular than traffic jams, root canals and hipsters? I don’t think anyone can rationally believe that.”
When reminded that his claims about crowd size and electoral math were both provably false, Nunes responded, “I cannot comment further as these “facts” you are asserting are the subject of another, possibly related, investigation.” Asked to clarify this, he stated, “Russian disinformation is a powerful thing. Trust me, I know. We will investigate any and all evidence suggesting collusion between government of Russia and members of the Democratic leadership and their efforts to destabilize our government by making our President appear to be ineffectual and disliked.”
When pressed to disclose what evidence he had seen to support these claims, Nunes said, “Let’s just say I’ve been hearing thing. Big things.” Hearing a noise in the stairwell, Nunes nervously looked over his shoulder and then continued, “Let me just say that I think the voting public will be surprised at what this committee, under my steady leadership, will turn up on this matter. I want to assure the American People that this committee will not rest until it has come to a conclusion I am satisfied with.”
Asked about claims, raised by some Democrats, that the President is using unsubstantiated accusations such as these to distract attention from the ongoing investigation into his campaign team’s possible ties to Russia, Nunes responded, “All such claims are being referred to the Secret Service for investigation, as should be all such attempts at character assassination.”
Facing a barrage of questions, Nunes then pushed past the assembled reporters saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell the White House what the White House just told me.”
Asked for comment on these explosive allegations, press secretary Sean Spicer said, “It is White House policy never to comment on an ongoing investigation. So all that I am able to say at this time is that it is all true and that the American people should be very upset that the Democrats would put our nation at risk by colluding with a sworn enemy to further their own political ambitions.” As he sprinted for the door, Spicer then said, “And did I mention that Obama tapped the President’s phones?”
Reached for comment, Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence committee, said that he had been, thus far, unable to locate Nunes to discuss the evidence. “We just don’t know where he is these days. It’s almost like he’s hiding from us.” Asked to comment on Russian involvement in President Trump’s historically low approval ratings, Schiff said. “Oh, I think we can be pretty sure Russia had something to do with that.”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter