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World Relieved as Trump Visit to Vatican Fails to Trigger Armageddon

By M.J. Frost, contributor

Millions of people worldwide, both believers and non-believers, breathed a collective sigh of relief as President Donald J. Trump’s visit with Pope Francis at the Vatican failed to trigger and of the predicted signs of the end times detailed in the Book of Revelation.

The critical exchanges between the two men, detailed by the media over the last year, had led even those of the strongest faith to nervously wonder if four men on horses might arrive in St. Peter’s Square along with the Trump entourage.

“We both agree we need to work toward peace,” Trump said.  “We’ll finally get it when I bomb those bad dudes back to the Old Testament.  Losers!”

Pope Francis pressed Trump to respect the environment and presented him with a copy of the Pope’s encyclical on the topic.  He also urged the President not to withdraw the United States from the Paris Climate Accord.  Trump responded that Paris was a “great, great city.  And the French are a great people.  Outstanding.  I love the way they kiss.”

Eyebrows were raised by the outfits worn by Melania and Ivanka Trump.  Both wore black dresses with long sleeves and both wore black veils on their heads.  Although their clothing aligns with protocol for most women who visit with a Pope, the outfits led even some top Vatican official to mistakenly assume they had come for purposes of mourning.

“Considering what he has done to the credibility of America, it was an honest mistake,” said one Cardinal.

“No it wasn’t,” whispered Melania Trump.

The visit did provide some awkward moments.  Reminding the Pope of last years statement that “those who build walls are not Christian,” Trump said, “I just went to the big wall in Jerusalem and you don’t see any problems with Mexicans sneaking in there.  I’m just saying.”

Trump also angrily denied rumors that, instead of inserting a prayer into the Western Wall, he hid his tax returns.

Theologians now believe that what spared the world from a more apocalyptic incident was the notable absence of Steve Bannon, the Trump aide who is a Catholic but has publicly criticized the Pontiff as a socialist and Muslim sympathizer.

Bannon was said to have broken off from the Trump entourage early, angry that there would be no arms deal similar to the one procured in Saudi Arabia.

“So much for that ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ stuff,” Bannon was overheard saying.  “I mean, how am I supposed to get Gog and Magog ready, if they are not properly equipped?”

Trump, meanwhile, told reporters for the blog Fascism, Faith and Family, that he was underwhelmed by the Pope’s modest living conditions.

“What kind of Pope lives minimally?  Disgraceful!  Selling himself short,” Trump said.  “I, on the other hand, am like Saint Peter Gabriel.  My heaven will be a big heaven and I will walk through the front door!”

He then stood in the middle of St. Peter’s Square, trying to prove his “Major devoutness and huge humility” by praying “Hail, Mary, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.”

When reminded by Vatican official that, according to the Gospel of St. Matthew, Jesus called out acts of outright hypocrisy, Trump responded by saying, “I always liked Luke better.  He’s the one with the lightsaber, right?”

 

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Snowflakes Sue Donald Trump for Defamation

Permafrost, LLC, an organization representing the issues of snowflakes, ice-crystals and glaciers worldwide, today filed a class action lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump claiming defamation of character based on Trump’s repeated use of the term “snowflake” to denote weakness.

“While this may, at first, seem harmless, merely the facile rhetoric of a, simple-minded, politician desperate to score a few cheap points in the face of unprecedented scandal,” said Crystal Limpid, chief counsel for Permafrost, “But, it is our contention that such rhetoric quickly rises to the level of defamation when it casts our strong community in an unfavorable light as compared to a President who redefines pettiness, and instability.”

“Snowflakes, when gathered as a group are, literally, a force of nature.” Limpid said, “When we put our minds to it, we can shut down the financial and industrial centers of the free world, overnight.  This President gets criticized by Meryl Streep and loses his mind for three days on twitter.  Arctic snow and ice have a significant role in controlling tide patterns and regulating planetary temperatures.  If it gets below 40 degrees the President needs to run to Florida for fear of getting the sniffles.  Snowfall can continue, unabated and undiminished for days at a time, stopping everything in its path.  This guy hops a couple of planes, fondles a glowing orb and is ‘too exhausted’ to give a three minute speech about social media, which is his preferred method of bullying.  Tell me again who is the wimp in this situation?”

“President Petulance is so fond of complaining that we’ve begun to call him the ‘Whineoceros’ around the office,” Limpid said, “Because he’s big and horny and never happy with anything.”

Still, the snowflake community would have been inclined to let the insults go, as they were quite occupied in planning the next three seasons of “Deadliest Catch,” were it not for a remarkable statement made by the President last week.

“When he said that no politician in history had been treated more unfairly than him, our phones began to ring off the hook,” Limpid said.  Within hours they received calls from the Lincoln estate, as well as several Kennedys offering to pitch in.  Even the ghost of Richard Nixon who, as previously reported, has been on record as a Trump supporter, told Limpid “Impeachment is too good for him!”

“The time has come for we in the snowflake community to stand up to this weak-willed, thin-skinned glory hound and demand an apology for his besmirching of our good name.” Limpid said. “We are strong and we are united, which is more than I can say for the Republican party at this moment.  There are trillions of us and not one of us alike.  There are only 238 of them in the congress and each one looks and sounds exactly alike.  This is a battle they can’t win.”

Permafrost’s lawsuit is demanding an immediate apology to all the snowflakes in the world, as well as equal representation in the President’s cabinet.  “I think it is the least he can do to redress this insult to our powerful constituency.”  Limpid stated then, after a pause, added “Oh, and we could also use better health insurance.  Cold and flu season is coming on fast.”

The White House was quick to lash back at these claims of the President’s inherent weakness.  “Make no mistake,” said press secretary, Sean Spicer, “this President is much stronger than any of the snowflakes out there.  These claims are absurd.  While it is true that certain rogue snow elements were able to muster the resources to sink the Titanic in just a few minutes, that was an isolated incident.  This President is so powerful that he has been able to sink this entire country and, perhaps, the world, in a little over 100 days.  Beat that, Snowflakes!” Spicer then immediately retired to a secret cubby, recently installed beneath the podium, to avoid all further questions.

Administration officials have made it clear that, regardless of the merits of the case, they intend to have the last word on this litigation.  “I think you can rest assured,” said, EPA Administrator, Scott Pruitt, “that I will do everything in my power to see this permafrost destroyed before the matter can even make it to trial.”

 

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Trump Hires Special Counsel to Investigate Special Counsel

In a surprising response to the Justice Department’s decision to appoint special counsel to oversee the, ever expanding, Russia investigation, President Donald J. Trump has announced the hiring of a “Special, special Counsel” to oversee the overseeing of the investigation.

“What’s so special about his counselling?” Trump tweeted, in reference to the appointment of Robert Mueller who had, from 2001 to 2013 , served as the Director of the FBI.  “I’ve got counsellors way more special than him.  The specialest!  And I’m gonna use them!”

Trump then went on to detail, in 140 character bursts, his creation of the “Office of Special Counsel to the Office of Special Counsel.” from which his, hand picked, investigator will investigate the investigation.

The investigator will, according to the President, follow Mueller at every stage of the investigation, being vigilant for any signs of “special investigative misconduct.”  This will be accomplished by means of tailing Mueller to all of his appointments and interviews and listening in on conversations, possibly by means of holding a glass against the door and putting their ear to it.  “Smart stuff, like on TV,” the President tweeted.

“The Special special counsellor will stay close to Mr. Mueller, following him following every lead, examining every examination of evidence, witnessing every witness, and re-documenting every document” said press secretary Sean Spicer, at an impromptu press conference.  “The important thing, from the President’s perspective, is that the Mr. Mueller understands that we are watching everything he does.”

Asked if this special special attention could be regarded as a, not so subtle threat to the independent investigator, Spicer said.  “Of course not!  I’m disappointed that you, in the fake media, would try to frame it that way.  All we are doing is here is providing additional support to this, important investigation and making sure that nothing is overlooked.  The President, and every member of his cabinet, wish only for this investigation to run smoothly and conclude swiftly.  We want to assist that effort in every way-”

Spicer paused at this point, as every phone in the room chirped an alert.  Glancing down at his own phone, Spicer sighed heavily and continued. “Or…to put it in the Presidents own word, which he just tweeted now, ‘Mr. Mueller better hope there are no recordings of him listening to any recordings of my conversations with Comey before he starts leaking!’ ”

“Well, there you have it.”  said Spicer, struggling for words.  “The President is clearly expressing his uh..hope.. that the investigation will go smoothly.”  Spicer then slipped behind a large fern and refused to answer any more questions.

The President has not yet named the special special counsel, but he has floated a few possible names.  “It’s gotta be somebody everyone likes and trust,” he tweeted, “Like Rudy Giuliani, or Chris Christie.”

In a television appearance on MSNBC, presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway was asked if the President’s interference with the independent investigation might constitute clear obstruction of justice.  “That is nonsense,” she replied, “It is exactly the opposite.  It’s obstruction of obstruction of justice.”

 

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Trump Gave Russians American Secret Recipes

By M.J. Frost

(Editor’s Note:  I’m pleased to feature an article by new GuyFromCNY contributor M.J. Frost.  May this be the first of many  – The Guy)

President Donald J. Trump may have leaked additional, highly classified materials to Russian officials, a senior source revealed to GuyFromCNY.com on the condition of anonymity.

“You can rest assured that many of the things that Americans have long embraced as uniquely ours are now firmly in Russian hands, where they will be used against us at the earliest opportunity,” said the source who, for purposes of protection, will be referred to only as “James Comey” in this story.

Trump immediately went to Twitter to defend his actions saying. “It’s my right to share secrets if I feel it necessary. I’m a sharer.  The crooked Democrats are withholders. It’s why they lost the electoral college.  Losers!”

He followed with “We need good relations with our allies.  Like Coke, I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. So do the Russians.  They just need Coca Cola’s formula to do it. Done!”

Among the other military secrets revealed, GuyFromCNY has learned, is Colonel Harland Sanders’ secret recipe.  Officials now in charge of his secret organization, code named “KFC,” ordered every outpost on lockdown upon learning of the breach.

The Colonel’s formula is one of the closest guarded secrets in American intelligence and could have devastating cultural and financial effects with the information in the hands of a competing power like former Russian agent Bluto, who is now believed to be in league with Sanders’ arch nemesis Popeye.

To his credit, the President does seem aware of Sanders’ important contributions.  “The Colonel has been doing some great things.  A lot of people are starting to notice,” Trump said, apparently unaware that Sanders has been dead since 1980.  “I also think he would have been a much tougher opponent than crooked Hillary.  Too bad the DNC torpedoed his chances.  Bad Move!”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer could not be reached for comment.  We are informed that he is feeling bushed.

“James Comey” suggested to GuyFromCNY that Trump and the Russians may also have shared detailed information regarding the special sauce featured in the McDonald’s Big Mac.

“The Russians gave that to us, actually.” said White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, who filled in for Spicer.  “It’s Russian dressing, essentially.”

Conway’s remarks were quickly challenged by several broadcast news outlets, who pointed out that the “secret sauce,” which was publicly revealed by a McDonalds executive in 2012, is a mixture of mayonnaise, relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, garlic powder and white wine vinegar. “Russian dressing,” by comparison, is a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup and, reporters reminded Conway, was actually invented by American James Colburn in Nashua, New Hampshire, in 1910.

“Fake News!” shot back President Trump, in a subsequent Twitter tantrum.  “The failing New York times CNN would have you believe that Russian dressing was invented in America.  I guess Taco bell isn’t Mexican either?”

It was previously reported that Trump may also have leaked the New York Jets’ secret playbook for the 2017 season to his Russian guests.  White House officials have sharply denied that allegation, suggesting that the source of that leak was an unnamed member of the New England Patriots’ front office.

 

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Lord Voldemort is the Leading Contender For FBI Director

The short list of candidates for the, newly vacated, post of FBI Director, got shorter today as the President informed his advisors that he was nearing a decision on the most appropriate replacement.  Among the cadre of unusual  choices, the leading contender seems to be, sources report, the one with the code  designation “He who must not be named.”

“The President very much likes the way he thinks.”  said a source familiar with the President’s thinking.  “He’s got the right attitude about immigrants, half-breeds and those who don’t meet our standards of racial purity.”  The source, who is definitely not Steve Bannon, said that the former Dark Lord could also be counted on to keep the rank and file agents in line, something which has been a bit of a challenge in recent months.

“He’s not afraid to use the Imperious curse on anyone who persists in investigating things that we feel don’t need to be investigated.”  The source continues.  “That’s just the kind of leadership we need in these, overly litigious times.”

Lord Voldemort, or “He who must not be named” could face an uphill confirmation battle, if the senate Democrats carry through on their threats to impede all further appointments until a special prosecutor is appointed.  “We’ll see,” our source said.  “A little touch of the Cruciatus curse and those snowflakes will melt like you dropped ’em in Snape’s cauldron.”

The potential appointment has those on both sides of the aisle concerned.  “Everyone who is anyone in the witch community knows all about Tommy Riddle” said former Republican senate candidate Christine O’Donnell.  “He does not play well with others and he does not like to share power. ”

This is true on its face.  Lord Voldemort, the persona assumed by dark wizard Tom Riddle upon his ascent to the forefront of the dark wizardry community in England, has a sketchy history at best with government.  When last Riddle was publicly active, he secretly installed loyalists sympathetic to his evil agenda at every level of the Ministry of Magic, thereby hampering all efforts at investigating his improper actions and shutting down all legal attempts at thwarting his despicable plans.  He also installed an unqualified, out of touch, toady as the head of the educational system in an effort to keep the next generation docile and ill informed.

“Trump’s already got all that covered. ” said Senator Al Franken, “He is not just going to allow another showboat to take over the one thing he has actually succeeded at.  And who needs an army of Death Eaters to mindlessly follow his lead, when he already has the entire Fox News viewership.  And those people will buy his products too.  There’s no upside for him.  I don’t see it working out.”

Still, many close to the President feel this may be his best decision yet.  “They seem like a perfect team to me.” said senior Trump advisor Stephen Miller.  “Their authoritarian tendencies mesh really well with the atmosphere we are trying to promote in this administration.  And you better agree with me, or I will send out the Dementors!”

The rise of Voldemort has led to the sudden downfall of other up and comers, once in consideration for James Comey’s former post. Before deciding on Riddle, Trump is said to have considered a number of other fictional villains for the position of Americas top cop. Other hopefuls have reportedly included, James Moriarty, the Master, Randall Flagg and, Darth Vader himself, former Vice President Dick Cheney.  In the end, none of them could compete with the utter ruthlessness of “You-Know-Who”, the only man on record with a more heartless agenda than that of the 115th congress.  “Plus, he’s British,” the source said,  “and being around British people makes you seem smart, which the President really kind of needs.”

ironically, his British heritage might represent the biggest hurdle to the Dark Lord’s ascension.  Lord Voldemort is not a citizen of the United States and may have difficulties, owing to Mr. Trump’s immigration policies, in obtaining entry to the US.

“This is not a concern” our source informed us.  “Riddle has given the required $500,000 to the Kushner family, and will therefore immediately be granted citizenship.”

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FBI Director Fired For Re-Opening the X-Files

The firing of FBI Director James Comey was due to an unsettling investigation spearheaded by the former director, and not because of his conduct in the Hillary Clinton email investigation, the White House now confirms.  President Trump actually made the decision to terminate when he became discovered that Mr. Comey was actively working to re-open the, long dormant, X-Files.

“Let me be perfectly clear.”  Said press secretary Sean Spicer, shortly after persistent leaks forced the administration to change their story. “The truth is not out there!  And it is a shameful waste of resources to try and pursue it.  In fact, I can state, for the record that I, personally, have not seen one trace of truth since the moment I took this job, and I can offer you the President’s assurance that he will do everything in his power to see that it stays that way for as long as he is in the oval office.”

“The truth is out there” was a catch phrase from “The X-Files” a popular fictional television series that ran for 9 seasons, spawned two motion pictures and a 2016 television reboot.  It tells the story of two FBI agents who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of wealthy old white men who collude with an alien power to secure themselves, and their families, positions of power after an invasion has subjugated all other humans.  These men assist in the subjugation by helping to distribute massive amounts of a black oil which, when humans are exposed to it, creates total loss of free will through a mysterious illness that no amount of, government funded, healthcare can cure.  Mr. Spicer was quick to point out that any apparent similarities between the plot of the show and the activities of the current administration were purely coincidental, and not worthy of FBI investigation.

“It’s absurd!” said Spicer. “We do not need some foreign agency to take over and turn our people into mindless sheep that believe everything we tell them unquestioningly.  We have Fox News for that. The only aliens we are concerned with are south of the border.  Kennedy was not assassinated by the Cigarette smoking man, but rather by Ted Cruz’s father and, most importantly the good people of America have nothing to fear from pure, black oil. And, in unrelated news, the President has taken the next step in moving forward on the Dakota pipeline.  More to follow on this.”

“Mr. Comey insisted on pursuing these, ridiculous, conspiracy theories when he had been clearly tasked with finding out exactly when and how former President Obama had placed a microwave oven camera in Mr. Trump’s headquarters.  It is because of this willful disregard of the President’s absolute authority and not, as previously stated, because he was mean to Hillary, that Mr. Comey was fired.  Furthermore, although the President is greatly appreciative of the fine work done by Agents Mulder and Scully during their active years at the bureau, a time during which they rid this nation of many monsters – like do you remember that guy who could squeeze himself through pipes or that terrifying Mexican Chupacabra – Mr. Trump must regretfully inform then that their services are no longer required.  He will be having his personal bodyguard deliver their termination papers to them, as soon as they can be located.  We understand that Mr. Mulder’s basement office may be currently underwater, due to the issues we have been having with the swamp drain, and thus he may be difficult to track down.”

Asked who would replace Comey in the, now vacant, position, Spicer said there was only ever one serious contender.  “Mr. Trump intends to offer the position to the man he believes to be our finest living agent.  We expect that Mr. Dale Cooper will be assuming command as soon as he wraps up the remaining details in the tragic Laura Palmer case.”

 

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Ghost of Nixon Congratulates Trump on Comey Firing

The incorporeal spirit of former President Richard M. Nixon today congratulated President Trump on his “Wise and judicious” decision to fire James Comey, the FBI director charged with investigation the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 election..

“That’ll show the bastards!” the, heavily jowled, shade said, according to sources present at the impromptu oval office meeting. “That should end the investigation right there!  Nothing like a good firing to aid in a full scale cover up, I’ve always said.  When I was under investigation, my people told me not to fire anyone.  They said it might look suspicious.  But I did it anyway.  Nobody was gonna push Dick Nixon around.  My only mistake was that I didn’t fire enough people.  Anybody they send to investigate you, just fire them.  What could possibly go wrong?”

The specter of the former President then looked, suspiciously, at the President’s group of close knit advisors gathered around him.  “The thing is you have to be sure who you can trust.  None of these people would reveal this conversation would they?”  Multiple sources report that then the phantom moved close to Trump, who stood, quivering, behind the Resolute Desk, and whispered in his ear. “Because, if the real story ever gets out there, you are screwed.”

The ethereal phantom then drifted towards the oval office door.  “Oh and, one more thing.  If I were you, I’d write a letter claiming that Comey told you, multiple times, that you aren’t under investigation.  Make it sound like you fired him for some other reason.  Air tight.  They ought to buy that.”  He then cast his baleful gaze around the room, nervously.  “You’re, uh..not recording this, are you?”

The full bodied apparition which, sources say, manifested as the result of an arcane ritual, involving goat’s blood and the burning of an original U.S. Constitution, performed by Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, proceeded to give a statement to a stunned press corps.

“Today, President Donald J. Trump made the wise and judicious decision to fire FBI director, James Comey.  Mr. Comey’s rough handling of Hillary Clinton during the Presidential election, has long troubled the President despite his many, many public statements to the contrary.  Comey’s dismissal, which he really had coming, will finally put an end to that regrettable chapter in American electoral history, as well as bringing to a close any other, equally trivial, matters the director may have been working on.  With this decision, the President is continuing in the proud tradition of rank hypocrisy, obfuscation, and obstruction of justice that have come to define the Republican party in the years since my administration.  This decisive and completely unsuspicious action will, without a doubt, succeed in crushing all dissent and ensuring many more years of successful Republican governance.”

When reminded that Nixon’s own, controversial, firing of the special prosecutor charged with investigating Watergate was a key factor in the initiation of the impeachment proceedings that led to his resignation, in disgrace, from office, the Presidential phantasm only smiled.  “Thank goodness the Republicans are in charge of congress this time.  Any further investigation into this matter would require assent of a controlling party interested in the principles of good governance.  If anyone interested in good governance were in charge, we might have a bit of a problem.  With our guys in charge, I can promise you that nothing, whatsoever will be done.  And you can trust me on that.”

It is too early to tell what the fallout will be from the President’s, sudden and shocking, personnel decision, but one thing seems undeniably true:  The ghost of Richard Nixon will loom large over the Trump White House.

 

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Lex Luthor Praises AHCA as Impressively Evil

Lex Luthor, CEO of Lexcorp and famously antisocial psychopath, became the first high profile supervillain to endorse the American Health Care Act, the Trump administration’s signature legislation designed to re-engineer the health insurance markets and replace Obamacare.

“I’ve engineered more than my share of reckless, life endangering, schemes in my ongoing quest to further enrich myself, but nothing I’ve ever done in that area is as impressively evil as what the Republicans have just pulled off in one afternoon.”  Luthor said, at a press event in his executive office, high above the city of Metropolis. “I really have to take my hat off to them.  I mean, anyone can kill of a whole bunch of people in one fell swoop, but it takes a special kind of monster to throw 24 million people off healthcare and watch them die slow deaths that would have been easily preventable if only they could afford the care.  It’s inspired.  It makes me think I should really up my game.  When I fired those missiles at the San Andreas fault, in an attempt to raise the value of my, soon to be coastal, real estate holdings, it would have killed millions, for sure.  But that is nothing compared to the tens of millions whose lives will be destroyed by this, gloriously reprehensible, congressional action!”

“Think of it!” Luthor continued, his eyes blazing beneath his shaved dome.  “Cancer treatments suspended!  Diabetes drugs denied!  And, best of all, C-Sections counted as pre-existing conditions, thus denying potentially life saving treatment to mothers and their unborn children!  All from the party of Family Values!  All so that I, Lex Luthor, can receive a gigantic tax cut!  I am humbled by the ferocity and ingeniousness of their unfettered malevolence.  Kudos, I say, to all who have signed on to this legislation and to all those who votes made this all possible.  Your complicity cannot be denied, now can it?”

Other top malefactors were quick to jump on the bandwagon.  The Joker weighed in via a Facebook live feed.  “I’m all smiles!”  He said, showing off his impressive array of teeth.  “I absolutely love how they have cut off funding for mental health services.  Looks like it’s playtime at Arkham once again!  I’m going to deliver an essential benefits waiver right to the front gates.  I’ll blow up the insurance markets and the security checkpoints all in one fell swoop! Let’s make America Great Again!  Great Fun, that is!”

Not to be outdone, the Riddler was soon to chime in with a tweeted puzzle of his own.  “Riddle me this.  What’s the difference between an orderly, prosperous,  healthy society and a wasteland of inhuman suffering and misery?”  Shortly after, he tweeted the solution. “Answer:  Medicaid Block Grants!  #MAGA #NoEvilLikeRepublicanEvil”

Congratulatory messages were limited merely to this planet.  Utilizing Google’s, patent pending, TimeSlip service, Emperor Palpatine weighed in from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, where he is currently working on the rushed construction, at an unimaginable cost, of a second Death Star.  “Impressive.”  He said, “Most impressive. The Empire has committed all of our resources to a battle station that has but one purpose.  The destruction of entire planets and the genocide of whole populations.  But only now have I learned that this, Trump, this master of evil, is accomplishing the same thing, with substantial savings, merely through healthcare and environmental policies.  Perhaps, I have chosen the wrong…apprentice.”

Other legendary villains have not been so quick to weigh in.  Victor Von Doom will only say he is withholding judgment until it he is able to determine whether his services as a Doctor will be covered under any insurance products available under the new program.  We have been unable to reach the Dark Lord Sauron, despite numerous attempts to contact him, both at home in Mordor, and at his corporate offices in the Fox News Building.

Acclaim has not been universal among all legendary miscreants.  One notable lowlife, perhaps the most famous of modern times, has not much good to say about the plan.  “It’s weak.  It doesn’t go far enough” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.  “Some people are still able to get coverage.”

 

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White House: Bill of Rights is Past Due. Immediately Commencing Collections Activity.

In an effort to trim the Federal budget, the White House announced today that it will be suspending the Bill of rights until such time as that Bill is paid in full.

“According to our records, this bill was run up in 1791 and, since then, we cannot find documentation of a single payment having been made on it!” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “Apparently, the President’s predecessor was comfortable with the budget impact of allowing this deadbeat behavior to continue but, at a time when this nation is swimming in debt, we cannot allow such luxuries to continue.  It is the President’s belief, and I share this belief that one must always pay their debts, unless you have a very good lawyer.  Therefore, we are, this day, placing this bill in collections.”

“This account will be immediately frozen,” Mulvaney continued, “and all further Bill of Rights related activity will be suspended unless expressly approved by the President or an authorized representative.  These injunctions will remain in place until we receive payment, in full, of the entire bill plus 216 years of accumulated interest and fees.  If such restitution is not made in a timely fashion we will have no option but to declare bankruptcy of the underlying principal and sell off all salvageable assets to the highest bidder.”

According to Mulvaney, the administration has already received some, quite lucrative, should the underlying components come on the market.  “The NRA has already made us a tidy offer on the second amendment, so that should settle that issue for all time.  We have competing offers, both from the e-commerce industry and the Russian Government, on fourth amendment privacy protections.”

The sixth and seventh amendments, which offer guarantees of trial by impartial jury and protect against double jeopardy, have been more difficult to market, Mulvaney reports, but he suggests they may be of interests to the producers of reality television.  The same can be said of the eighth, with its protection against cruel and unusual punishment.  “Sounds like good TV to me!” Mulvaney said.

The tenth amendment, dealing with State’s rights, is likely to become the exclusive property of the Republican party, except in those instances when they wish to forget about it entirely. The ninth amendment, which guarantees citizens rights not expressly spelled out in the constitution, will likely be discarded as outdated.

A similar fate will likely await the third amendment, which prohibits the government from housing soldiers in the houses of private citizens.  “Who needs that?”  Mulvaney said.  “Our soldiers are going to be very busy elsewhere.”

As for the fifth amendment and its famous protection against self incrimination, Mulvaney says, “My understanding is that the President and his staff may be deeply interested in purchasing that particular protection.”

And of the first amendment, protecting freedom of both religion and speech, a right considered by many to be fundamental to their understanding of American Democracy, Mulvaney was particularly dismissive.  “Maybe the fake news media might want a piece of it but from, our perspective, we can’t see much use for it.”

Perhaps this new fiscal reality was best summed up by the President himself, who weighed in on the issue via Twitter.  “Some people don’t understand that nothing is free in this country.  Certainly not speech.”

 

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Trump: Civil War Was All Iron Man’s Fault

President Donald J. Trump  puzzled historians today with controversial remarks on the origins of the Civil War, comments that have left critics questioning the President’s very understanding of the most serious internal conflict in America’s history.  The President’s assertion:  The Civil War was entirely the fault of Iron Man.

“You got these heroes, right.  Fighting, every day, for the little guy.”  The President said, during an interview intended to be about Healthcare Policy.  “Good people, great people, the very best!  Then this guy in an iron suit tries to slap all these regulations on everything they do, like some kind of Washington Democrat.  What was the Captain supposed to do?  He had to fight.  Boom!  Civil War.  But it could have been prevented.  If there had been a strong President.  But there wasn’t.  A lot of people don’t know that.”

At a press briefing, later in the day, press secretary Sean Spicer was asked to clarify these remarks.  “Okay,” Spicer said, before pausing to swallow a handful of extra strength Tylenol, “To be clear, the President was not referring to the American Civil War, a tragic conflict that caused the deaths of roughly 620,000 Americans and nearly ended the American Union, but rather to the Disney and Marvel studios produced motion picture ‘Captain America: Civil War.’  The President has carefully studied both of these conflicts and he simply misspoke.  The President is already on record as stating that the American Civil War, the bloodiest conflict in American History,  could have easily been prevented by President Andrew Jackson if he had only had the foresight to live another 16 years, be re-elected 6 more times and, perhaps, given up the practice of slave ownership.  The President wishes to honor the sacrifice of those brave soldiers in that conflict, even the rebels fighting under the command of General Stan Lee.  He further wishes to state that, despite previous reports, he has never suggested that Samuel L. Jackson is, in any way related to Andrew Jackson.”

Perhaps the most surprising part of the President’s Civil War Assertion is his apparent identification with Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America.  One would assume, at first glance that he would have more in common with Iron Man Tony Stark, the womanizing billionaire celebrity, who was born into the good life.  Not so, says the President.  “Cap’s an outsider, like me.  He saw these crushing regulations being handed down by government insiders and he knew he had to fight.  He wasn’t supposed to win.  Everybody said he was gonna lose.  But he won.  Just like me.”

Reminded that Captain America didn’t actually win and that his band of associates were forced to live in exile in an undisclosed location in order to avoid imprisonment, the President announced that the interview was over and walked away from the camera.

“Maybe it’s because they both had tiny hands.”  Said Minnesota Senator Al Franken, referring to Trump’s fondness for Captain America.  “Seriously though, Steve Rogers started out small.  But, thankfully, he was able to avail himself of a government program to help him better himself.  In gratitude he wrapped himself in the red, white and blue and went out to fight for truth and justice.  Of course, Trump wants to cut funding for government programs, but he sure does like to wrap himself in the flag.”

Asked if he found Trump’s excessive fondness for the film to be disturbing, Franken replied.  “It does lead me to question both his judgement and his mental state.  I mean, sure it was a fun movie and all but no one in their right mind believes that Captain America beats Iron Man in a fight.”

 

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