Permafrost, LLC, an organization representing the issues of snowflakes, ice-crystals and glaciers worldwide, today filed a class action lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump claiming defamation of character based on Trump’s repeated use of the term “snowflake” to denote weakness.
“While this may, at first, seem harmless, merely the facile rhetoric of a, simple-minded, politician desperate to score a few cheap points in the face of unprecedented scandal,” said Crystal Limpid, chief counsel for Permafrost, “But, it is our contention that such rhetoric quickly rises to the level of defamation when it casts our strong community in an unfavorable light as compared to a President who redefines pettiness, and instability.”
“Snowflakes, when gathered as a group are, literally, a force of nature.” Limpid said, “When we put our minds to it, we can shut down the financial and industrial centers of the free world, overnight. This President gets criticized by Meryl Streep and loses his mind for three days on twitter. Arctic snow and ice have a significant role in controlling tide patterns and regulating planetary temperatures. If it gets below 40 degrees the President needs to run to Florida for fear of getting the sniffles. Snowfall can continue, unabated and undiminished for days at a time, stopping everything in its path. This guy hops a couple of planes, fondles a glowing orb and is ‘too exhausted’ to give a three minute speech about social media, which is his preferred method of bullying. Tell me again who is the wimp in this situation?”
“President Petulance is so fond of complaining that we’ve begun to call him the ‘Whineoceros’ around the office,” Limpid said, “Because he’s big and horny and never happy with anything.”
Still, the snowflake community would have been inclined to let the insults go, as they were quite occupied in planning the next three seasons of “Deadliest Catch,” were it not for a remarkable statement made by the President last week.
“When he said that no politician in history had been treated more unfairly than him, our phones began to ring off the hook,” Limpid said. Within hours they received calls from the Lincoln estate, as well as several Kennedys offering to pitch in. Even the ghost of Richard Nixon who, as previously reported, has been on record as a Trump supporter, told Limpid “Impeachment is too good for him!”
“The time has come for we in the snowflake community to stand up to this weak-willed, thin-skinned glory hound and demand an apology for his besmirching of our good name.” Limpid said. “We are strong and we are united, which is more than I can say for the Republican party at this moment. There are trillions of us and not one of us alike. There are only 238 of them in the congress and each one looks and sounds exactly alike. This is a battle they can’t win.”
Permafrost’s lawsuit is demanding an immediate apology to all the snowflakes in the world, as well as equal representation in the President’s cabinet. “I think it is the least he can do to redress this insult to our powerful constituency.” Limpid stated then, after a pause, added “Oh, and we could also use better health insurance. Cold and flu season is coming on fast.”
The White House was quick to lash back at these claims of the President’s inherent weakness. “Make no mistake,” said press secretary, Sean Spicer, “this President is much stronger than any of the snowflakes out there. These claims are absurd. While it is true that certain rogue snow elements were able to muster the resources to sink the Titanic in just a few minutes, that was an isolated incident. This President is so powerful that he has been able to sink this entire country and, perhaps, the world, in a little over 100 days. Beat that, Snowflakes!” Spicer then immediately retired to a secret cubby, recently installed beneath the podium, to avoid all further questions.
Administration officials have made it clear that, regardless of the merits of the case, they intend to have the last word on this litigation. “I think you can rest assured,” said, EPA Administrator, Scott Pruitt, “that I will do everything in my power to see this permafrost destroyed before the matter can even make it to trial.”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter