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Trump: 100 Day Vacation is Over. Work To Start Immediately

The White House today released a statement announcing that President Donald J. Trump had now concluded his annual 100 Day winter vacation and was now officially prepared to take up his duties as Commander in Chief.

“The President wishes to acknowledge that it has been a long and hard winter.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer, “But now that spring has arrived and the climate is finally tolerable to him, the President intends to finally come to Washington and begin the good work he promised to take on when he was sworn in, in front of record breaking crowds on that, uncomfortably cold and blustery, day in January.”

Spicer continued, “Now that he is back from this, long planned, vacation and sufficiently rested from the exertions of last fall where he, through sheer force of will, changed the very face of politics in winning by the largest electoral margin in the history of this or any republic, he is now ready to begin the, exceedingly simple, task of keeping all, some or at least one of the promises from his hundred day pledge.”

Addressing an increasingly skeptical press corps, Spicer said.  “The President is, of course, aware that things have not gone swimmingly during his, well earned, three month vacation.  This is the danger of delegation.  The people he carefully vetted, sometimes giving them more than two or three minutes of consideration, have not performed their required tasks up to the President’s exacting standards.  Not to mention the ‘low energy’ people he has had thrust upon him by the vagaries of the electoral process.  Paul Ryan, for instance, was assigned the important job of carrying the President’s water and has, instead, spilled it all over the House floor, utterly overwhelming the swamp drain we had recently installed.  Devin Nunes, quote, ‘wimped out, and recused himself rather than continue his important work obstructing justice and has therefore caused numerous public relations issues affecting the President and his most important allies and finally, to quote the President,  ‘My press secretary couldn’t lie his way out of a speeding ticket.  Sad!'”  Spicer paused and looked around nervously for a moment, then began shuffling papers.  “I…uh…I think I may have the wrong statement here.”

“Nonetheless,”  Spicer continued, gaining steam, “the President wants to assure the American People that he is now rested and ready to begin the work you voted for him to do, that of dismantling the government, taking healthcare away from millions of Americans ,and generally lowering the level of public discourse.  With his firm hand now on the wheel, you will not believe the ‘hugely great’ progress he will make before leaving for his fall vacation, when the weather gets too cold.  So for this next hundred days and change he intends to work as hard as he ever has, fighting for what he really believes in, which is…”  Spicer began to shuffle through papers again.  “Uh…I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

Asked who, if the President was really vacationing, was doing all the photo ops, signing of executive orders and giving rambling interviews to the AP, Spicer looked confused.  “Wait, that really happened?  I thought that was Alec Baldwin.”

 

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Trump: First 100 Days Does Not Include Weekends

In the face of a looming political deadline, and a list of, thus far, unfulfilled promises related to that deadline, the Trump administration today released a statement clarifying a key detail of their “100 Day Plan To Make America Great Again.”  Current criticism, the administration claims, is unwarranted due to a fundamental misunderstanding of the timeline.

“Clearly, the President never intended for Weekends to be included in the count.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer. “The middle class American Worker, those people who came out, in such numbers, to vote for us during our landslide popular vote loss, fought long and hard for the fundamental right not to work on weekends.  In fact, I believe you can sum up the entire American labor movement over the last century into the bedrock principal, ‘we don’t want to work weekends.’ The President only wishes to express his clear support of that principal for all workers, with the exception of those fulfilling vital caddy and wait staff duties at Mar-A-Lago, by proudly extending that principal to his own work as Commander-In-Chief.  I think you will agree that this has been clear from the very beginning and therefore, any criticism of our apparent lack of progress of any kind is entirely premature.  We still have plenty of time to get it all done.”

There have been 14 weekends since the President’s inauguration, which would, under the new guidelines, seem to extend the 100 day deadline by another 28 days.  This would seem, to many observers, to still present a tight deadline for carrying out the President’s plans, which included, but were not limited to, such ambitious items as repealing and replacing Obamacare, complete overhaul of the tax system, ending illegal immigration, and eliminating corruption in Washington, D.C.

Asked about the difficulty, even considering the new timeline, of meeting these obligations on schedule, Spicer was quick to anger.  “There you go again, all of you dishonest media, attempting to twist the facts for your own narrative!  No one said 28 days! Some of those were long weekends!  And let’s not forget the Holidays either.”  Spicer began ticking off, on his fingers, relevant Holidays.  “President’s day, that’s a big one to the POTUS, Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Passover, cause he likes to be inclusive, International Women’s Day, cause you know how much he respects the ladies…uh..Groundhog Day and Mardi Gras cause that ought to be a national Holiday am I right?”  After approximately ten seconds of silence, Spicer continued, more calmly. “And let’s not forget the weekends that are still coming up before the hundred days expire.  Then, of course there are the congressional vacations.  I mean, you can’t expect the President to accomplish anything while his partners on the hill are nowhere to be found.  In fact, when you add all this up, I’m confident that the President’s first 100 days will last well into next January, at which point the President’s re-election campaign will be well underway.”

Though many in the public remain skeptical, select insiders are excited by the new possibilities.  Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee immediately announced that he was limited all committee investigations, even those he is recused from, to a schedule of no more than 100 days per year, a benchmark which is, coincidentally, approaching rapidly.  “Guess we’ll have to wrap it up till 2018.”  Nunes said.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos stated, with similar alacrity, that henceforth all “inconvenient” expenses, such as teacher pay and school lunch programs would be proportionally based on a formula of 100 days pay per 365.  These cost cuts will go into effect as soon as she can have someone figure out what that proportion is.

This new policy of Presidential solidarity with the working class, still remains a hard sell for many outside of Washington.  Asked how this policy relates to the nearly 60% of the workforce who are hourly employees, and would, besides not being able to support themselves, most likely, find themselves out of a job if they only showed up a third of the time, Spicer said “Well this is obviously a complex situation and therefore it is not possible to generalize.  Generally, however, those people don’t make enough money to be of concern to us.  They’re not really what pays the bills for us.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Democratic leadership seem unconvinced by the President’s arguments.  “I think the President hugely overestimates what he can accomplish in one years time, at least based on his accomplishments so far.”  Said Minority Leader Charles Schumer. “And looking at his schedule, going forward, it’s obvious he has missed at least one further opportunity for the lessening of his load.  Somewhere along the line he is almost definitely going to need time off for the impeachment hearings.”

 

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