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Trump Launches Afghan Troop Surge to Protect U.S. Blanket Manufacturers

At a press conference held this morning, President Donald J. Trump clarified the motivations for his planned troop increase in Afghanistan.  Contrary to his previous assertions casting the escalation as a necessary part of the War on Terror, Trump has now revealed that the action is intended to protect American trade, specifically that of the, long suffering, coverlet industry.

“I kept looking at Afghanistan, I mean really looking and all I could see were these.”  He then produced, from behind the podium, a brightly colored afghan blanket.  “They are flooding the market with these, poorly made, cheap blankets and I mean cheap.  Not good.  So I said, we make blankets here.  We make the greatest blankets.  Really, spectacular, like the ones made by those..uh…,”  the President seemed to struggle for words, “…um…those weirdos with the outdated clothes and the beards and who don’t watch television…”

“Hipsters?” offered one reporter in the crowd.

“Maybe,” said the President, “the point is they make some pretty great quilts and they ought to be able to sell them without dealing with unfair competition from these cheap afghan manufacturers.  So we are going in there to see that these illegal blanket factories are shut down, once and for all, making room for hardworking American corporations to squeeze a little more money out of the system.  That is what I campaigned on, and that is what I am now going to do!”

Asked if he was aware that most blankets, in fact most textiles, were produced in foreign countries such as China, the President retorted, “Fake News!  In China they make China.  That’s why they named the country that!”

The President then unveiled a plan for a multi-tiered aggressive foreign policy approach to the defense of other American industries.  Plans, Trump said,  are currently underway for an invasion of Syria in order to “liberate the little people who live in our iPhones,” as well as preemptive Thanksgiving maneuvers in Turkey.

At this point, the President draped the Afghan over his shoulders and was led, gingerly, away from the podium by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

A reporter in the crowd then shouted out a request for comment on the ongoing Russia investigations.  The President turned back to the crowd and said.  “I’m looking into that, but let me just say that there are very fine people on both sides of the salad dressing debate.”

 

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Children of “Mother of All Bombs” Now Orphaned

Social services agencies across the United States braced for an onslaught of new applications, as countless implements of mass destruction suddenly found themselves parentless after the Trump administration’s decision to deploy the GBU43/B or “Mother of All Bombs” in Afghanistan yesterday.

“It was a senseless act.”  Said Mildred Pearson, an employee of the Onondaga County Department of Social Services, the local agency in charge off connecting these eruptive orphans with much needed government services, such as Medicaid and food stamps. “These people in charge, they are supposed to be the party of family values, yet they have torn this family apart!  Well, I hope they are prepared to put their money where their mouth is now, because I don’t know who is going to take care of these little boomers.”

The exact number of fiery foundlings is classified, so it will be some time until the full extent of the problem is clear, but the sudden infusion of fission devices alone into the DSS system is sure to drain limited resources, without even beginning to deal with the needs of the lower strata of the conflagration classes.

“I certainly hope they don’t need meals on wheels or afterschool programs.” Said Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.  “Because the new Federal budget proposal does away with all of those things.  In the current state of affairs I’m afraid these weaponized waifs are going to be forced to get by on their wits alone.  And I’m afraid that not all of them are smart bombs.  Many are, I’m sorry to say, distinctly below average.  You know, like network TV offerings, or cabinet members.”

Rep. Steve King of Iowa was quick, as always, to shift the blame.  “Maybe if she hadn’t decided to have so many children, this would not be an issue.  I see no good reason why the American People should have to pay to support her promiscuous lifestyle.   And where is the father in all of this, I’d like to know.”

Details are sketchy on this last point.  A source close to the family reports.  “The father was a Russian immigrant named Molotov.  He had a real drinking problem.  I for one, am painfully aware of the explosive effects alcohol can have on a nuclear family and, I’m afraid this was no different.  One too many cocktails and the fights would be begin.  Before you knew it he would be threatening to burn the whole place down.  Finally, she had to leave him.  Without his income, she was forced to take whatever work she could find.  I’m certain that is how she wound up on that little government misadventure in the Middle East.”

Public outcry has been concussive and deafening, since the news burst forth of this tragedy.  Citizens groups are demanding humanitarian intervention from, often shell-shocked, Government officials.  But, as with so many things in this new administration, no signs of a cohesive plan are yet in evidence.  The only ray of light for those struggling children affected by this terrible tragedy came in the form of an encouraging message from the commander in chief.

“I promise you” the President tweeted “that I will put each and every one of those bombs to work.  BOOM!”

 

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