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Mitch McConnell Announces Zombiecare Initiative

After weeks of speculation, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today released details on his, much anticipated, Senate version of the AHCA.  Defying all expectation, the bill will not be an austerity based, budget hawkish, program but will instead rely on a revolutionary new treatment protocol.

“This pill will make all the difference for hundreds of millions of Americans!” McConnell said, holding aloft a small, green tinted, capsule, as he addressed a small gathering from the steps of the Capitol building.  The new drug, produced via a partnership between Bristol-Meyers Squib and the CDC, will, according to McConnell, provide the solution for all known medical problems.

“We asked ourselves, what group of our citizens have the absolute least need for expensive medical care,” McConnell said.  “The answer is, of course, the dead.  But very few people actually wish to be dead.  With this revolutionary treatment, the American people can have the best of both worlds.”

McConnell went on to explain that after only one dose of the drug, known as “Putrifican,” patients would go to sleep, cease all healthcare requiring processes, and awake, three days later.  They will then be able to go on with all of the most important aspects of life such as going to work, texting emojis, and watching reality TV.

“And they will never, repeat, never, need healthcare again!” McConnell said, grinning from ear to ear.  “The savings will be incredible!”

The treatment, which has been in development since late 2010, has already shown astounding results during various testing phases.  McConnell was able to cite many success stories for the protocol, including the voting record of his home state of Kentucky and the continued box office success of the “Transformers” series.

Asked about the tremendous secrecy surrounding the development of this plan, McConnell said, “That’s just good entertainment.  Gotta keep them guessing.”  He allowed himself a small, self-satisfied, chuckle.  “Bet those Democrats never saw this coming.  When they called it ‘Zombiecare’ they just had no idea.”

Asked about the many concerns citizens might have about the quality of life or, more appropriately, death for the hundreds of millions who would undergo this treatment, McConnell was very direct.  “Just put a smartphone in their hands,” he said, ” and I guarantee you that no one will be able to tell the difference.”

Asked for White House comment on the controversial protocol, deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said.  “Brains….Brains….Eat Brains….”

When pressed on the likelihood that the American people would accept this radical solution, McConnell admitted that there might be some resistance, but praised the work of the President in pointing the way forward.  “I admit, the Democrats might take issue with this,” McConnell said, “but the Trump voter will swallow anything we tell them to.”

 

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Trump Health Plan Not to Cover Reporters

In the wake of, then candidate, Greg Gianforte’s body slamming of a Guardian reporter, an event that resulted in both a misdemeanor assault charge and an electoral victory for Gianforte, the Trump administration was quick to adapt to the changing political landscape, swiftly adapting their signature Healthcare legislation to encourage further such incidents.

“The American taxpayer should not be forced to foot the bill for some nosy reporter who was, through his own irresponsibility in arrogantly pursuing the duties of a free press, given the smackdown he deserves,” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “I mean, if we are seriously expected to shell out good money every time a Republican candidate finds themselves unwilling to take a stand on the President’s policies and is therefore forced to smash the reporter’s teeth in, then this will be a very expensive election cycle indeed.  We simply can’t afford such largesse during these difficult financial times.”

“Therefore,” Mulvaney continued, “the President has instructed congress that he wishes to see an immediate change, tentatively titled the ‘open season amendment,’ to the AHCA which will eliminate, from all coverage pools and subsidies, anyone identifying themselves as a member of the press.  Additionally, there will be a surcharge, known as the ‘PITA’ tax, for any employer providing such benefits to members of the press.”

Noting the stunned silence among the assembled press pool, Mulvaney said, “This is the only policy that makes financial sense.  Clearly this sort of thing is going to continue to happen as long as these, so called, fourth estate types continue to ask for logical explanations of illogical stances and reasoned defenses of indefensible policies.  And if we do provide such expensive care, after each, richly deserved, ass beating, there is absolutely nothing to stop the offenders from coming back and asking inconvenient questions again.  Our only choice in the matter is whether to pay or whether not to pay.  We have now made that choice.”

The President came out strongly in support of this measure, tweeting,
“#Openseason on the press!  Give em a Gianforte welcome! Press are #enemiesofpeople.  Except those we like.  Looking at you #foxandfriends”  He followed this with a second, more puzzling, tweet.  “When is #Oreillyfactor coming back?  That’s a long vacation.  Great guy, Bill.  Knows how to treat the press and the ladies.”

Despite a thorough search of all the surrounding shrubbery, members of the press corps were unable to locate press secretary Sean Spicer for comment.  A source close to the administration told us that Mr. Spicer is in hiding, under the, clearly mistaken, assumption that anyone at all would mistake him for a responsible member of the press.

Mulvaney then stated that the funding cutbacks would not be limited to medical coverage.  Severe cutbacks to other portions of the social safety net would also be necessary to deal with the looming financial and electoral crisis.

“We can’t just waste expensive police resources on responding to every snowflake reporter who gets his clock cleaned while pursuing some obnoxious first amendment fantasy.  We are, of course, hopeful that these incidents happen more frequently, as these bottom feeders try to hold Republican politicians to account for their support of the destructive and hateful policies that the President has championed.  Police involvement would be both wasteful and a waste of time, as we all know that the assaulters will be let off with a slap of the wrist.  With this in mind, the President will be issuing an order to all law enforcement agencies to instead focus their energies on their principle duties, such as keeping a certain element out of your communities, if you know what I mean.”  Mulvaney then winked at the horrified reporters.

Asked whether the injuries sustained by Ben Jacobs, the assaulted Guardian reporter, would still be covered, as they occurred prior to the amendment, Mulvaney replied, “Being a member of the press qualifies as a pre-existing condition.  At least until we can wipe them out of existence.”  He then punched the reporter in the face and left the room.

 

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Lex Luthor Praises AHCA as Impressively Evil

Lex Luthor, CEO of Lexcorp and famously antisocial psychopath, became the first high profile supervillain to endorse the American Health Care Act, the Trump administration’s signature legislation designed to re-engineer the health insurance markets and replace Obamacare.

“I’ve engineered more than my share of reckless, life endangering, schemes in my ongoing quest to further enrich myself, but nothing I’ve ever done in that area is as impressively evil as what the Republicans have just pulled off in one afternoon.”  Luthor said, at a press event in his executive office, high above the city of Metropolis. “I really have to take my hat off to them.  I mean, anyone can kill of a whole bunch of people in one fell swoop, but it takes a special kind of monster to throw 24 million people off healthcare and watch them die slow deaths that would have been easily preventable if only they could afford the care.  It’s inspired.  It makes me think I should really up my game.  When I fired those missiles at the San Andreas fault, in an attempt to raise the value of my, soon to be coastal, real estate holdings, it would have killed millions, for sure.  But that is nothing compared to the tens of millions whose lives will be destroyed by this, gloriously reprehensible, congressional action!”

“Think of it!” Luthor continued, his eyes blazing beneath his shaved dome.  “Cancer treatments suspended!  Diabetes drugs denied!  And, best of all, C-Sections counted as pre-existing conditions, thus denying potentially life saving treatment to mothers and their unborn children!  All from the party of Family Values!  All so that I, Lex Luthor, can receive a gigantic tax cut!  I am humbled by the ferocity and ingeniousness of their unfettered malevolence.  Kudos, I say, to all who have signed on to this legislation and to all those who votes made this all possible.  Your complicity cannot be denied, now can it?”

Other top malefactors were quick to jump on the bandwagon.  The Joker weighed in via a Facebook live feed.  “I’m all smiles!”  He said, showing off his impressive array of teeth.  “I absolutely love how they have cut off funding for mental health services.  Looks like it’s playtime at Arkham once again!  I’m going to deliver an essential benefits waiver right to the front gates.  I’ll blow up the insurance markets and the security checkpoints all in one fell swoop! Let’s make America Great Again!  Great Fun, that is!”

Not to be outdone, the Riddler was soon to chime in with a tweeted puzzle of his own.  “Riddle me this.  What’s the difference between an orderly, prosperous,  healthy society and a wasteland of inhuman suffering and misery?”  Shortly after, he tweeted the solution. “Answer:  Medicaid Block Grants!  #MAGA #NoEvilLikeRepublicanEvil”

Congratulatory messages were limited merely to this planet.  Utilizing Google’s, patent pending, TimeSlip service, Emperor Palpatine weighed in from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, where he is currently working on the rushed construction, at an unimaginable cost, of a second Death Star.  “Impressive.”  He said, “Most impressive. The Empire has committed all of our resources to a battle station that has but one purpose.  The destruction of entire planets and the genocide of whole populations.  But only now have I learned that this, Trump, this master of evil, is accomplishing the same thing, with substantial savings, merely through healthcare and environmental policies.  Perhaps, I have chosen the wrong…apprentice.”

Other legendary villains have not been so quick to weigh in.  Victor Von Doom will only say he is withholding judgment until it he is able to determine whether his services as a Doctor will be covered under any insurance products available under the new program.  We have been unable to reach the Dark Lord Sauron, despite numerous attempts to contact him, both at home in Mordor, and at his corporate offices in the Fox News Building.

Acclaim has not been universal among all legendary miscreants.  One notable lowlife, perhaps the most famous of modern times, has not much good to say about the plan.  “It’s weak.  It doesn’t go far enough” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.  “Some people are still able to get coverage.”

 

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Trump Blames AHCA Failure on Illegal Immigrants in Congress

Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act.  After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.

In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.”  These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.

Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information.  He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.

When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand.  The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense  at all.”

Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.

“I think what people respond to with this President,”  Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on.  As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”

When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said.  “Wait!  He said what?”  Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”

Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”

 

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Unable to Secure Park Place, Trump Raids Community Chest

Despite his legendary negotiating prowess, President Donald J. Trump was unable to close a deal that would have allowed him exclusive development rights in the coveted Boardwalk/Park place corridor.

The deal, against which the President had staked much of his dwindling capital, was reportedly moments from completion when the title holders suddenly increased their demands and threatened to withhold support for his ambitious plans.

Trump immediately went into negotiating mode. He quickly surrendered control of his utilities, the loss of which would prove to have devastating and perhaps life threatening effects on his tenants. Undeterred by this, Trump plunged, with reckless abandon, into deal mode. He next gave away his interests in the railroad system, arguing that public transportation is an unnecessary luxury. As a final gambit, he bargained away most of his real estate holdings around the low rent district of Connecticut and Vermont avenues, which he described as “too liberal” for his taste.

But in the end, the parties were unable to come to an agreement around the sensitive subject of free parking rules, and Trump, who had thought he was holding all the cards, found himself struggling to make it to the next pay day.

Trump’s reaction was swift and fierce. He kicked over the game board and announced he was quitting. He would not play again until he could amend the rules to his liking. His new target was the community chest, the rules of which he found far too arcane and socialistic. “What kind of prize is $75 bucks for a beauty contest?” he was heard to rant. He stated that he was going to change the reward structure so that all fees collected would be used to improve the properties in the exclusive Marvin Gardens area. He then vowed to elimate the income tax square entirely and to repeal the luxury tax and replace it with a voucher system. He then proposed raiding the remaining bank assets to begin building a wall around the, overly brown, Baltic avenue neighborhood.

At the end, even these changes proved unsatisfactory, and the President announced he was walking away from the table forever.  It seems unlikely, however, that he will long be able to resist the urge to again roll the dice on the future of the American people.

 

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Ryan Announces Revolutionary New Health Lottery Plan

Succumbing to conservative pressure over  his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.

“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.”  Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers.  “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare.  It is time for new thinking and new approaches.  It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”

Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.

Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans.  Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan.  “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare.  They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once.  They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties.  Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”

Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only.  Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas.  According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.”  In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?”  “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”

Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct.  “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families.  We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here.  This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money.  Like investment bankers.”

When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines.  It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”

When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid.  “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy.  Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”

 

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