By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)
You may have noticed that several weeks passed between our Trump 4th of July article and this week’s entries. No, thankfully, we hadn’t been dragged away by a rabid pack of “patriotic” vigilantes. “Guy” and I both needed some time away from our keyboards, so we planned and enjoyed a little vacation.
It wasn’t exactly rest and relaxation, though. I think you’ll agree it was time well spent. We…
- Visited the set of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” to find out why Mika Brzezinski still hasn’t paid us for the plastic surgery we performed on her last Christmas.
- Met with representatives of the Russian government who had promised us damaging intel on The Onion.
- Attempted to pick up our order of Mesopotamian Cuneiform bathroom tiles from Hobby Lobby.
- Suffered excessive weight gain as a result of the staggering number of beers consumed while playing “Trump Twitter” drinking game.
- Attempted to lose the weight with a strict diet of “nothing burgers”
- Distributed fidget spinners to U.S. Senators for use at their healthcare bill meetings.
- Lost sleep from drinking too much covfefe
- Made shadow puppets behind Sean Spicer during White House media briefings.
- Pranked various Chick-Fil-A restaurants by attempting to order a specialty “Big Cock” sandwich.
- Ordered several containers of televangelist Jim Bakker’s “Survival Food.” Told him the thousands of Syrian refugees waiting outside his studio are grateful.
- Stole Ann Coulter’s seat.
- Tweeted out key lines from the Sermon on the Mount. Waited for Trump fans to call us snowflake socialists.
- Abandoned our plan to repeal and replace the Trump Administration, declaring we will instead just sit back and “let it fail.”
Whew, that was exhausting! Glad we’re back.
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