EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s been a while since Guy From CNY correspondent M.J. Frost has contributed to this web site. That’s because over the past several weeks, he has been risking his personal safety by entrenching in the front lines of America’s national security threat, reporting from a town located on the US-Canada border.
Niagara Falls, New York seems just the same as any other border town, here in the Rust Belt portion of the United States. Heavy industry that once made this city thrive is long gone, waning along with the causes that made them necessary, including World War II and the Cold War.
It’s a tourist and shopping town now. And that’s what makes this town such a dangerous place. You see, lurking in the parking lots, in the malls, in the restaurants and convenience stores are the hidden and imminent danger to this town, and the entire nation.
You can see the signs everywhere. Their cars display the telltale license plates, mostly white with blue letters and numbers but occasionally some in other colors. When encountering one of its occupants, you notice your blood pressure rising, heartbeat increasing and your fears escalate when you hear their first words…
“Oh, sorry, excuse me!”
On the surface, they’re known as “Canadian shoppers.” At least, that’s how they like to portray themselves. But the locals know what they really are. They’re not Canadian shoppers. They’re sleeper terrorist cells.
President Donald Trump, in a recent conversation with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, courageously reminded the latter of the national security threat they pose to the United States, hence the need for punishing tariffs against Canada.
They did, after all, burn down the White House in the War of 1812. Thus, they are a legitimate national security concern to the current administration.
The official Canadian position, one of denial, insists it was the British who carried out the act. But Canadians are a creative and wiley bunch. Before there was a National Hockey League (formed in 1917), there was the Stanley Cup (introduced in 1893). And they have long claimed to be the Second City, even though there already is one. Clearly, retconning (or retCanning as critics have begun to call it) history is just another annoyingly efficient Canadian governmental policy.
In a Twitter rant, posted shortly before his arrival at the G7 summit in Quebec, the President accused Canadians of taunting us over the painful historical incident in their “nasty 1812 Overture. Disgraceful!”
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the rant, saying the references to “La Marseillaise” in the classical piece indicate the invasion force was based in Quebec.
When reminded that the piece was composed by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to celebrate his Russian homeland’s successful defense against Napoleon Bonaparte’s invading force that same year, Sanders began to stare at a fixed point in the distance and then chanted “No collusion” for 25 minutes until the press left the room.
Members of the President’s cabinet were quick to jump on the bandwagon of Canuck shaming. EPA head Scott Pruitt criticized Canadians for their “unhealthy obsession” with a clean environment and such boondoggles as providing healthcare for all citizens. And Education Secretary Betsy DeVos reminded us all that “Canada has long been a blight on whatever continent this is we share.”
Perhaps most damning of all are the President’s latest twitter revelations. “They used to advertise themselves as “The World Next Door. This means they are ALIENS. Like, really! Captain Kirk, American Icon, was really an alien! And then they sent Hayden Christensen specifically to ruin OUR Star Wars!”
The President is reportedly entertaining a travel ban for Canadian citizens and, sources say, has begun to draft orders instructing ICE to deport prominent Canadian “invaders.” Leaked reports suggest that the first to go will be Ryan Gosling, Celine Dion and Justin Bieber. To date there has been no public outcry about this plan.
White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, say Trump is especially preoccupied with one of the more famous actresses to come from Canada, Pamela Anderson. The sources suggest Trump considers her especially threatening because, to him, she resembles Stormy Daniels “just a little too much.”
Back in Niagara Falls, Americans quietly share their frustration over the Canadian invasion. They’re fed up with the traffic, the colorful money and the sinister tendency to fill up perfectly good Sabres home games with Maple Leafs fans.
“They’re always so damn polite,” said one source close to investigation. “I don’t trust anybody who is too polite. That’s why I love our President!” He then slammed back a Molson, belched loudly and said, “I say build a wall, make them pay for it and charge them a tariff on the steel they use to build it.”
“They’re not going to take away my American identity,” he went on to say, as he took another bite of poutine. His rant was quickly halted, however, when he heard the music coming from the jukebox. “Shut up everyone! This is Rush! Show some respect!”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter
