Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act. After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.
In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.” These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.
Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information. He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.
When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand. The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense at all.”
Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.
“I think what people respond to with this President,” Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on. As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”
When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said. “Wait! He said what?” Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”
Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”
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