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Trump To Taxpayers: “I Can Imagine Your Pain.”

In an attempt to show his compassionate side to the American people, President Donald J. Trump today expressed his sympathy with the hardworking taxpayers of America with a heartfelt message: “I can imagine your pain.”

“I recognize that today is a tough day for most Americans” Trump said, reading scripted remarks from a podium at his, hyper exclusive, Mar-a- Lago club. “A day when all the hardworking people of this country, the bedrock of this great society, the men and women who show up at work every day and give their all  in pursuit of the, all important, American Dream, are cruelly forced to give back so much of their, dearly needed, income to the government in taxes.  I want all of you to know, on this sad day, that I can imagine your pain.”

“If I really try hard to think about it,” Trump said, clearly warming to the task, “I can almost picture what it must be like to properly report all of your income, have it fairly assessed a progressive tax rate, and to write that painful check, so that the government can provide needed services to the American People.  It must be a very difficult thing, I am sure.”

The President continued, a tear glistening in his eye, “So I just wanted to take some time out of my busy Twitter schedule, to thank you for doing your civic duty.  Without people like you, the middle class American worker, those of us at the top would have to pay our fair share, and that is a situation too painful to even contemplate.”

“Without your willing sacrifice to fund the most vital functions of civil government, people like me would have to pick up the tab, or else face certain anarchy.  Without you, I would have had to pay, out of my own pocket, the approximately $24 million dollars spent on my vacations over the first three months of my Presidency.  And as I sit here, luxuriating in the sultry, rarefied air of this, my $200,000 per year of membership club, using my status as president to increase membership, thereby enriching myself and violating almost every ethics law ever conceived to protect the American people against corruption, I like to consider, ever so briefly, what it would be like if we had a truly fair and progressive system of taxation in this country.  It would be  a nightmare situation, I tell you, and one in which I, and those like me, would find ourselves ever so slightly less rich than we are at this moment.”

Trump turned suddenly solemn at this juncture.  “Yes, ladies and gentlemen, were it not for the magnificent work done by corporate lobbyists and wealthy financiers to corrupt the functioning of our government over the preceding years,  I might have found myself imperceptibly inconvenienced.  But I don’t. So I must thank all the rich who came before me for this state of affairs but, much more than that, I must thank you, who came out and, in numbers not even approaching a majority, voted to make this inherent inequality even worse.  Without you, I wouldn’t be in this position.  Literally.”

“So on this day of national tragedy, let me assure you that your money will not go to waste.  As President, I pledge to end all spending on unnecessary luxuries, like healthcare for the under served, public education, food for the hungry and protecting the environment for future generations and, instead, focus on the important stuff, like dropping large bombs on foreign countries, obstructing investigations into Russia,  building border walls and keeping my wife away from the White House.”

Trump then finished his speech in soaring fashion. “There are those among you who claim that this arrangement isn’t fair and to them I simply say them that this is the way it has always been.  This inequality is the founding principal of our great nation! This inequality is the engine of our Democracy! This inequality is what makes America Great and I vow, on this day, to make it even Greater! Thank you and God Bless the United States of America!”

 

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Ivanka Trump’s Website Now Selling Influence

As part of an ongoing attempt to modernize workflow, and streamline the functioning of an inefficient government bureaucracy, a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump today gave authorization for his daughter’s website to begin directly selling Presidential influence to the American People.

“Were cutting out the middleman” said the President.  “It saves time and money.  It’s a win win situation and you know how I love to win.”

“The idea is a simple one, yet revolutionary,” said Ivanka, at a gathering of investors.  “In the past the purchasing of influence was complex and onerous task. You had to raise tremendous amounts of money, only to hand it over to some lobbying firm.  Then you would have to watch them spread your precious money around funding attack ads, financing countless Senate campaigns and outright buying congressmen before you could even hope to get a chance to bribe the big man.  My father and I believe that this is an outmoded way of thinking. It’s wasteful and inelegant.  Now, there is a better way.”

She then unveiled a beta version of the new design for ivankatrump.com.  It is largely the same as before the addition, featuring the identical muted colors and eye hooking apparel outfits.  But now, the “shop” menu has an additional category called, simply, “accommodations.”

“My father campaigned to be the people’s President, and he intends to keep that promise.  The purchase of Presidential favors is not longer a luxury afforded only to the rich.  As long as Donald J. Trump is in office, our President can be bought and sold on the open market.  Like an iPhone, or quality health coverage.”

The beta site lists a staggering array of offerings.  For only $50, the consumer can get a personalized photograph.  For $500, a letter of recommendation bearing the Presidential seal.  For $5000 the President will retweet your message, without regard to content and $50000 will buy you a steak dinner at Mar- A- Lago.  If a national security emergency should break out, the lucky buyer would get to photograph the entirety of the top secret decision making process, just as previous diners have.

Virtually every policy position is up for auction, ebay style.  “We find that this simplifies matters greatly.”  Ivanka said.  “My father doesn’t like to spend a great deal of time thinking about policy.  He prefers to let the market do the thinking for him. And, as we all know, the market is never wrong.  Except for the housing crash.  And the implosion of the tech bubble.  And most of the seventies.  Oh and the Great Depression.  But other than that, the market is never wrong.”

It’s not just policy that is up for grabs in this new administration, however.  Every single Presidential appointment is on offer, for those with the means.  “This part has already been beta tested.”  Ivanka said.  “How else do you think DeVos got the education job?  It certainly didn’t have anything to do with qualifications.”

Not every appointment will cost more than the average person can afford, Ivanka claims.  “Some are really quite reasonable.  We’re having a fire sale on ambassadorships right now.  We can get you the job in Syria for next to nothing.  It’s the same for Russia.  That job is largely for show though, as Russia already has a much more direct line of communication with my father.” Ivanka said with a wink.

Some appointments are even cheaper than that.  It appears, based on a listing in the “clearance sale” section that press secretary Sean Spicer is actually willing to pay someone to take over his responsibilities.  His offer price has been steadily rising by the day and still, there are no takers.  “That’s what I call job security.” Ivanka said.  “The only way he is leaving is on a gurney.”

When asked by an investor if these offerings didn’t constitute open bribery, Ivanka replied “We consider bribery such an ugly word.  I mean, it is the right word, but it is ugly and my Father doesn’t like things that are ugly.  He much prefers the word ‘enticement.’  He says it is much ‘sexier.'”

Asked about the legal consequences for the enticement policy, Ivanka was nonchalant.  “We gave Jeff Sessions a big discount on his purchase of the Attorney General position.  He owes us ‘bigly'”

With those, momentary, concerns allayed, the investors expressed their great enthusiasm for the venture, but Ivanka was quick to remind them that this was very much still a work in progress.

“We haven’t really been able to properly price the really big stuff yet.  Energy policy, drilling rights, foreign wars, that kind of stuff.  We think the sky is the limit on that, but we just don’t yet understand all the market fluctuations.”  Ivanka said that the only solid data they have in these matters is what they have been able to discover about the costs and benefits of interfering with a foreign election.  “Our Russian partners have been pretty cagey about the details, but it is certainly plain to see what their meddling has cost the American People.”

 

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