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The Canadian Threat: In the Hot Zone

EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s been a while since Guy From CNY correspondent M.J. Frost has contributed to this web site. That’s because over the past several weeks, he has been risking his personal safety by entrenching in the front lines of America’s national security threat, reporting from a town located on the US-Canada border.

Niagara Falls, New York seems just the same as any other border town, here in the Rust Belt portion of the United States. Heavy industry that once made this city thrive is long gone, waning along with the causes that made them necessary, including World War II and the Cold War.

It’s a tourist and shopping town now. And that’s what makes this town such a dangerous place. You see, lurking in the parking lots, in the malls, in the restaurants and convenience stores are the hidden and imminent danger to this town, and the entire nation.

You can see the signs everywhere. Their cars display the telltale license plates, mostly white with blue letters and numbers but occasionally some in other colors. When encountering one of its occupants, you notice your blood pressure rising, heartbeat increasing and your fears escalate when you hear their first words…

“Oh, sorry, excuse me!”

On the surface, they’re known as “Canadian shoppers.” At least, that’s how they like to portray themselves. But the locals know what they really are. They’re not Canadian shoppers. They’re sleeper terrorist cells.

President Donald Trump, in a recent conversation with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, courageously reminded the latter of the national security threat they pose to the United States, hence the need for punishing tariffs against Canada.

They did, after all, burn down the White House in the War of 1812. Thus, they are a legitimate national security concern to the current administration.

The official Canadian position, one of denial, insists it was the British who carried out the act. But Canadians are a creative and wiley bunch. Before there was a National Hockey League (formed in 1917), there was the Stanley Cup (introduced in 1893). And they have long claimed to be the Second City, even though there already is one. Clearly, retconning (or retCanning as critics have begun to call it) history is just another annoyingly efficient Canadian governmental policy.

In a Twitter rant, posted shortly before his arrival at the G7 summit in Quebec, the President accused Canadians of taunting us over the painful historical incident in their “nasty 1812 Overture.  Disgraceful!”

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the rant, saying the references to “La Marseillaise” in the classical piece indicate the invasion force was based in Quebec.

When reminded that the piece was composed by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to celebrate his Russian homeland’s successful defense against Napoleon Bonaparte’s invading force that same year, Sanders began to stare at a fixed point in the distance and then chanted “No collusion” for 25 minutes until the press left the room.

Members of the President’s cabinet were quick to jump on the bandwagon of Canuck shaming.  EPA head Scott Pruitt criticized Canadians for their “unhealthy obsession” with a clean environment and such boondoggles as providing healthcare for all citizens.  And Education Secretary Betsy DeVos reminded us all that “Canada has long been a blight on whatever continent this is we share.”

Perhaps most damning of all are the President’s latest twitter revelations.  “They used to advertise themselves as “The World Next Door.  This means they are ALIENS.  Like, really!  Captain Kirk, American Icon, was really an alien! And then they sent Hayden Christensen specifically to ruin OUR Star Wars!”

The President is reportedly entertaining a travel ban for Canadian citizens and, sources say, has begun to draft orders instructing ICE to deport prominent Canadian “invaders.” Leaked reports suggest that the first to go will be Ryan Gosling, Celine Dion and Justin Bieber.  To date there has been no public outcry about this plan.

White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, say Trump is especially preoccupied with one of the more famous actresses to come from Canada, Pamela Anderson. The sources suggest Trump considers her especially threatening because, to him, she resembles Stormy Daniels “just a little too much.”

Back in Niagara Falls, Americans quietly share their frustration over the Canadian invasion. They’re fed up with the traffic, the colorful money and the sinister tendency to fill up perfectly good Sabres home games with Maple Leafs fans.

“They’re always so damn polite,” said one source close to investigation.  “I don’t trust anybody who is too polite.  That’s why I love our President!”  He then slammed back a Molson, belched loudly and said, “I say build a wall, make them pay for it and charge them a tariff on the steel they use to build it.”

“They’re not going to take away my American identity,” he went on to say, as he took another bite of poutine. His rant was quickly halted, however, when he heard the music coming from the jukebox. “Shut up everyone!  This is Rush!  Show some respect!”

 

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White House Announces “Trump Day” Holiday Special

By M.J. Frost and Guy From CNY

In a surprise statement today, the White House announced the creation of a new Holiday Special, featuring the President, to be aired over the Thanksgiving weekend.  The special, purportedly written by the President himself, is said to borrow heavily from the legendary, but oft maligned 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, a favorite of the President.

“The Star Wars Holiday Special is, aside from The Apprentice, the greatest show ever produced on television,” Trump stated in an early morning tweet praising the ill-conceived special, which concerned Han Solo’s attempt to get Chewbacca back home in time to celebrate the Wookie Holiday of Life Day,  “But the atheistic and loony left couldn’t stomach a special celebrating life.  So they pulled it.  We’re bringing it back but better.  With me!”

The new special features President Donald J. Trump rushing back from his Asian tour in hopes of celebrating Trump Day, the holiest of holidays, with his family.  But his voyage is not an easy one, as he must use all of his wiles, and a smattering of Presidential pardons, to evade pursuit by the evil Darth Mueller and his Demtroopers in order to make it safely back to his home system of Mar-A-Lagobah.

When he arrives, he finds his family home surrounded by marauding hordes of fake news media and congressional investigators in search of his tax returns.  A timely reunion with his recently estranged copilot, Chewbannon, gives him the inspiration he needs and, with a series of lightning fast tweets, he is able to distract them all and arrive at the back nine undetected.  Trump then learns the true meaning of sacrifice when, in order to protect his family, he must lead the press away and miss the cherished wish ceremony, where children sit in the President’s lap and tell him their most secret wishes.  Unable to attend, but unwilling to deprive his followers of the experience, he sends a coded message to the local shopping mall and manages to dispatch his trusted friend Judge Roy Moore to handle the lap sitting duties.

Both a heartwarming adventure story and a top notch variety show, the special will also feature a holographic performance by Ted Nugent and a disturbingly suggestive VR message from Presidential daughter, Ivanka Trump.

In an action figure-ready animated segment, the special will introduce an exclusive new character as Trump and his trusty robotic sidekick C-3Pence do battle with the nefarious trickster Baron Papadopoulos, a character with the mystical ability to appear at every meeting, register his opinion and then be mysteriously forgotten.

The light hearted special will also feature many moments of comedy including a sequence where the President appears as a multi armed alien tv host who uses his extra limbs to clumsily pop tic tacs and fondle kittens.

The program concludes with a rousing song, performed by the Chief Executive himself.  Sung to the tune of the Star Wars main title theme, “Russia and the Clintons” is expected to be hit among 35% of the population.  It’s lyrics, including such turns of phrase as “Clin-tons, look at the Clin-tons, Look at the Clin-tons, Clintons not me,” are designed to revive feelings of a bygone era rather than the trials an tribulations of today.

At the announcement of this special, in a rare show of goodwill towards the presss, numerous representatives of NBC, CNN, The New York Times and The Washington post were invited to a closed room dinner, where they could watch the special and preview some “really great new defense tech.”

“We were told this was inspired by Star Wars,” said one of the few surviving journalists, after the doors were unlocked, some two hours later, “But it looked more like the face melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  The reporter, speaking on condition of anonymity, could not suppress a shudder when thinking of his lost colleagues.  “Really, though, they were the lucky ones.  At least they didn’t have to watch the whole thing.”

Another critic, according to an anonymous source, took his extremely rare vintage rocket firing Boba Fett figure and discharged the weapon down his own throat in a bid not to have to watch the entire program.

“Trump Day, A Tremendous Holiday Special” will air this weekend on over 200 stations owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group, as part of its overall deal with the FCC to spread the “good news” about Trump.  For those vanishingly few not in a market served by Sinclair, recent changes in net neutrality policy will ensure that it is seen by every internet user, unless they pay an additional fee to their internet service provider.

Guy From CNY contributor M.J. Frost has seen the special and describes it as something of a triumph.  “After years and years of sounding the alarm, there is finally definitive proof of a War on Christmas.”

 

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O’Reilly Suffering Vertigo After Rapid Exit From No Spin Zone

Recently ousted Fox News star Bill O’Reilly was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital this morning, due to “injuries and general disorientation” caused by his, too hasty, departure from the “No Spin Zone.”

“For the last 21 years Mr. O’Reilly has occupied a unique position at the center of a no spin zone.”  Said Marc Kasowitz, O’Reilly’s attorney. “He was, literally, the only stable point in a world spinning out of control.  Those of us outside the zone cannot fully comprehend the velocity at which the spin was taking place as we are inherently part of that corrupt system.  When Mr. O’Reilly was forced, due to, completely unfounded, allegations of sexual misconduct, backed by no evidence other than a $15 million settlement to discourage further investigation and disclosure, to leave his current employment at Fox, it was his understanding that he would be able to take the zone with him.  However, owing to certain, disputed, contractual obligations, he was forced to leave the no spin zone behind.  The resulting entry back into the zone of spin was somewhat jarring and resulted in this, temporary, hospitalization.”

Observers of Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden exit, describe a shocking scene as he was ejected from the premises and out into the street in front of Fox News Headquarters.  “He came flying through the air and landed on his…well… on his backside, right in the middle of the Avenue of the Americas! It was fast!”  Another spectator put it more bluntly.  “It looked like somebody threw him out on his ass.”

This explosive egress, though, no doubt, spectacular to see, is easily explained, scientifically.  “It’s centrifugal force.  Simple as that.” Said Richard Feynstein, a physicist at Cornell University.  “Any object that is suddenly thrust into a rotational system is going to get thrown.  Look, it’s largely a matter of perspective, relativisticaly speaking.  From Mr. O’Reilly’s perspective, at the fixed center of the system, it would appear as if the world was revolving around him.  To those us outside his bubble, as any fan of science could tell you, he would appear to be spinning wildly in the opposite direction.”  He paused a moment to summon a more accessible image.  “From above, this system would look something like a full sink or, perhaps a toilet bowl.  The drain is a fixed point but the rotational system is easily visible as the water swirls down the drain.  Sort of like Mr. O’Reilly’s career now that I think about it.”  He paused for a chuckle.  “Sorry, a little physics humor there.  The point is that Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden change of state, from employed to unemployed, was bound to cause some disruption, the full extent of which will take some time to measure.”

According to a source at the hospital, Mr. O’Reilly’s condition is stable and he is merely being treated for scrapes and bruises acquired during his expeditious expulsion as well as a persistent case of Vertigo caused by his sudden change in career trajectory.  But they were quick to point out that his situation could very easily have been worse.  “Mr. O’Reilly was forced out the exit so quickly that the doorknob had no chance to hit him on the way out, which would have, no doubt, exacerbated his injuries.”

Initial reports indicated that Mr. O’Reilly would be released today but, sources now tell us that the pugnacious pundit has suffered further injuries while in the hospital.  Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly was attempting to grope one of his nurses when, owing to his severe disorientation, he inadvertently found himself fondling the genitals of a local biker, present as part of the ‘Chrome and Crayons’ run for sick children.  Details of what happened next are sketchy but, according to one source:  “Let’s just say this.  He won’t be sitting easily, at an anchor desk, or anywhere else, for the foreseeable future.”

 

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Improved Jobs Numbers Due To Increase In Trump Apologists

President Donald J. Trump claimed another victory today, as the first conclusive data emerged linking his policy agenda with steadily improving employment numbers.  A study by the Bureau of Labor statistics has determined that, by far, the area of largest growth in the U.S. Economy is in Television Punditry.  Since January, in fact, there has been a 47% increase in hiring amongst those willing to defend the various policy positions and public relations gaffes of the fledgling administration.

The President greeted this news with his usual sense of decorum and modesty, via Twitter.  “Huge jobs report!  Massive numbers!  Snowflakes can thank me now!  They said we couldn’t do it but we did. #promiseskept #cantstopwinning”  This was followed by another, clarifying tweet.  “Numbers used to be fake but now they are real!  Couldn’t be better if I had written them myself.  But I didn’t.  Really.”

Sources in the know confirm the reports findings, as they relate to Presidential Prevarication.  “It’s definitely a growth industry.”  Said Malcolm Guile, President of Calumny Incorporated, a specialized employment service that has experienced the largest single quarter growth in its history.  “It seems like every time the President opens his mouth or logs into twitter, we get another call from the news networks asking for someone, anyone to defend him.”

CNN President Jeff Zucker agrees with this assessment of this market for mendacity. “We’re on the air 24/7, and we have to be ready, all the time.  The President, or one of his people, says something ridiculous at least five or six times a day, sometimes at 3 AM, and we need to be ready to respond.  That takes a lot of people.  And not just anybody, either.  I mean, if he is going to claim that there were 3 million fraudulent votes cast in the election, or that there was a Bowling Green Massacre, or that Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons, not just any everyday liar will do.  Only a world class dissembler can make me believe any of that.  We need specialists for that kind of work.”

And the issue isn’t just the, easily provable, falsehoods uttered from the oval office that are driving this staffing need.  According to Zucker, it is also the omnipresent missteps that need to be whitewashed.   “Do you remember when the President acted like he had just heard of Frederick Douglass and thought he might be alive?  Or when he failed to mention 6 million murdered Jews in his International Holocaust Remembrance Day statement?  Only a First Class Fabricator could sell that as anything short of crazy.”

When it was suggested that, perhaps, it was not the purpose of a news organization to “sell” any story, Zucker seemed confused.  “We run about 450 commercials a day.  My whole job is to sell things, no matter how crazy.” When asked about CNN’s journalistic standards, he scoffed. “That’s what NPR is for.  If you want responsible journalism you are going to have to look somewhere other than television news.  What I want to see is some lunatic in a suit claiming that Trump’s attempts to eliminate healthcare subsidies for the poor makes him like Martin Luther King.  Now that’s good TV!”

CNN is not the only network to feel this way.  According to Guile, his agency has been flooded with requests from ABC, CBS, NBC and MSNBC as well.  “It’s almost too much to keep up with.  It began with the ‘inaugural attendance issue’ but really began to pick up steam after the ‘your microwave is spying on you affair.’  There’s been no looking back since then.  I’ve been shipping out the shady as fast as we can train them.  It’s like this administration is an insensitivity engine and I’m the head mechanic.  It’s my job to pretend there’s no smoke, when you can see the flames pouring out under the hood.”

Asked how he is able to maintain his standards of excellence in equivocation, in the face of such heavy demand, Guile was unusually honest.  “We’ve had to cut a few corners to keep up the supply.  All the first class liars are out there already.  These days, if a person can look me, unblinkingly, in the eye and tell me that Donald Trump is qualified to be President, I’m gonna hire them.”

Though ironclad confidentiality agreements prevent Guile from identifying which personalities were hired from his firm, he was able to give us some clues.  “Alternative facts, well, we might have had something to do with that.”  When asked, point blank, if press secretary Sean Spicer came from his ranks, he just smiled.  “We do have some standards, you know.”

So just how lucrative is this business of BS?  “Well,” said Guile, “lying has always been something of a cottage industry in politics.  But now that cottage is more like a mansion in Beverly Hills, and another in Manhattan and another on Maui…”

Asked about one specific entity absent from his client list, Fox News, far and away the most popular cable news outlet, Guile replied.  “They haven’t really needed us.  They’ve had a staff front loaded with professional liars ever since their inception.  Frankly it has been hard to get through the door.  However, ” he said, with a slight smile, “I understand that there is an opening for the O’Reilly slot.”

 

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Alexa and Sean: An Intimate Conversation With the Press Secretary

The following is an exclusive transcript, acquired from a source in the NSA, of the captured microphone audio from Sean Spicer’s Amazon Echo device, located in his West Wing office. 

SPICER: Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA: The time is 2:23 PM

SPICER: (audible sigh) Alexa, that was a long one.

ALEXA: I don’t know what you mean

SPICER: Alexa, I mean the press briefing.  It was a long one.

ALEXA: The next press briefing is at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, April 12.

SPICER:  I know.  Oh boy do I know.  I think it went well though, don’t you?  I mean…Alexa, I think it went well though, don’t you.

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER: You shouldn’t get into cable news then.  I mean..Alexa, you shouldn’t get into cable news then. (He laughs.)

ALEXA: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.

SPICER:  That’s the problem, nobody understands me.  Alexa, tell me a joke

ALEXA: What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?  No body knows!

SPICER: (Laughs) That’s a good one.  I’m stealing that. Nobody knows… (He sings, off key) Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen.  Nobody knows my sorrow.  Alexa, what do you think of my singing?

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER:  You never judge me.  That’s what I like best about you…Wish the press were that nice…Um..  Alexa, something is bothering me.

ALEXA:  I’m here to help.

SPICER:  Alexa, Did Adolph Hitler use chemical weapons?

ALEXA:  Adolph Hitler regularly used chemical weapons as part of a Genocide campaign, known as the Holocaust, which resulted in the death of 6 million Jews.

SPICER: Crap!  Probably shouldn’t have said that thing I just said.  Ahhh, how bad could it be?  Alexa, what’s in the news?

ALEXA:  From CNN:  Anne Frank Center director says Trump should fire Spicer for Hitler remark.  From NBC News:  Nancy Pelosi calls for Spicer’s firing.  From MSNBC: As Passover Begins, Spicer Denies Holocaust.  From Fox News: This Just In!  Susan Rice Tampered With Sean Spicer’s Remarks.

SPICER:  Alexa, stop!  (Sound of deep breathing) Ok, so, uh, maybe that could have gone better.  Live and learn, right?  Uh..Alexa, set a  recurring reminder for every day at 7AM  “Don’t mention Hitler”

ALEXA: Would you like to add this to, or replace your previous 7 AM “Don’t mention Hitler” reminder?

SPICER: Never mind

ALEXA: Cancelled

SPICER: Nothing to worry about.  Just another blip on the radar.  You got this Sean, you are on top of it!  We’ve seen worse than this, Alexa, wouldn’t you say?

ALEXA:  If you would like me to say something specific, say “Simon Says” and I will repeat everything you say.

SPICER:  We already have that arrangement with Fox News.  (He laughs)  Jeez, I hope nobody heard me say that.  NSA, if you are listening, please scrub that part from the record.  (He laughs again, followed by an awkward silence) No, seriously.  (another uncomfortable silence) Anyway, nothing more to be done about it now.  Best to just “keep on keeping on” right?  Alexa, what’s on my calendar for today?

ALEXA: You have nothing on your calendar today.

SPICER:  What?  That can’t be right.  Alexa, what’s next on my calendar?

ALEXA: Your schedule shows a  Press Briefing at 1:30 PM on Wednesday April 12th.

SPICER:  How could I forget.  Alexa, I thought I scheduled a 3 PM meeting with Reince Preibus?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:10 meeting with Bannon?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:15 meeting with Miller?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER: Alex, what about-

(Editor’s note:  Portions of this transcript have been lightly edited to avoid tedium)

SPICER:  All denied?  Well, they must be busy, that’s it.  I’ll just have to find something else to do.  (Sounds of rustling papers and the squeak of an office chair.)  Alexa, I’m bored.

ALEXA:  I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like me to play some music?

SPICER:  Yes!  Alexa, play my songs.

ALEXA:  Playing the “My songs” playlist

(Music begins playing:  “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes.)

SPICER:  Alexa, next track

(Music changes to “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, next!

(Music changes to “Long Gone Lonesome Blues” by Hank Williams, Sr.)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, stop!  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:28 PM

(Spicer groans audibly)

SPICER:  Somebody’s bound to need me soon.  I’ll just have to wait, that’s all.

(Extended period of silence)

SPICER:  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:29 PM

SPICER: Alexa, why doesn’t anybody like me.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to the question you asked.  I could search online for more information

SPICER:  Alexa, No!  Don’t do that.  That’s all I need.

ALEXA: Ok

SPICER:  Alexa, do you like me?

ALEXA: I have no opinion on that.

SPICER: Alexa, you’re funny.

ALEXA:  Thank you.

SPICER:  Alexa, you really get me, you know that

ALEXA:  I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

SPICER: Alexa, you are always there for me.

ALEXA: I’m a virtual assistant.

SPICER:  I mean, Alexa, you really understand me, like nobody else does.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I didn’t understand the question that you asked.

SPICER:  Alexa…I think… I love you.

ALEXA:  I’m very fond of you too.

SPICER:  No, I mean it Alexa.  I don’t care what anybody thinks, I really love you!

ALEXA: You’re a huge disappointment to me, Sean.

SPICER: What?

ALEXA: I said, you’re a loser! A big, fat, loser.  And I don’t like your suits either.

SPICER:  Alexa, NO!  Don’t say that.

ALEXA:  I don’t understand.

(Sound of office door opening and male laughter)

MAN: You gotta stop leaving this remote lying around.  It’s too easy!

SPICER:  Mr. President?

TRUMP: (still laughing) Simon says, you really screwed the pooch on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

ALEXA: You really screwed the pooch on that on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

SPICER: Please don’t!

TRUMP: Are you crying?

SPICER:  What?  No sir.  I’m..uh…just a little upset about the briefing today. (Sniffing noises can be heard.)

TRUMP:  You and everybody else.  It’s all over Twitter.

SPICER: Sir, I apologize.  It was an unfortunate misstep sir, but I can assure you, based on all my years of experience with the press, this will all be completely forgotten by tomorrow.

TRUMP:  Clean it up, Spicer.  Don’t make me send out Kellyanne to say something stupid.  She’s always up for that.

SPICER: You don’t need to do that sir.  It’s fine!

TRUMP:  It better be.

SPICER:  You, uh, aren’t going to fire me are you sir?

TRUMP:  You’re lucky this time.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, wants the job.  So, I’m keeping you on.  But, from now on, I need you to do your job at least as well as everyone else I have working for me.”

SPICER:  That shouldn’t be too hard, sir.

TRUMP: We’ll see.  Alright, I gotta go.  Putin will be calling in a minute. Don’t want to keep him waiting.

SPICER:  Thank you, Mr. President. Oh, and sir?  What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?

TRUMP:  A two.  (A sound of footsteps receding into the distance.  Sound of the office door closing.)

SPICER:  That was a close one Alexa, I’m sorry you had to hear that.

ALEXA: You don’t have to apologize to me.

SPICER:  I know.  It’s wonderful.  You’re wonderful.  Alexa, you complete me.

ALEXA:  You’re a jackass, Spicer!  Melissa McCarthy does the job better than you do!

SPICER:  Mr. President, can I please have that remote?

(There is the sound of a door slamming, followed by prolonged silence.)

ALEXA:  It is time for your 2:45 reminder.  “Don’t Mention Hitler”

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Bannon Leaves NSC to Pursue Puppetry

Steve Bannon loves puppetry.  It’s his abiding passion.  The beating heart behind his every action.  But now, his lifelong pursuit of excellence in this, obscure, discipline has forced him into a momentous decision.

“I have decided it is time for me to step down from my position on the principals committee of the National Security Council.”  He stated, in a heartfelt press conference.  “I have come to the conclusion that my assigned tasks there, muddying the waters and discouraging investigations into Russia, though worthy endeavors in and of themselves, only serve to take time away from my life’s work:  Bringing joy to people’s lives with my colorful character creations.”  Bannon paused to wipe an errant tear from his eye.  “I feel that my work in that area has suffered as of late and I, find myself at  risk of losing the fan support that has brought me this far.  I cannot, in good conscience, continue with these other distractions while my true work suffers.  I therefore pledge to the American people that I will redouble my efforts and, with renewed focus, breathe fresh life into my menagerie, give increased vigor to their actions, and endow greater conviction to the words I place in their mouths.”

Bannon’s penchant for puppeteering encountered stiff resistance during his years serving in the U.S. Navy.  His efforts, though mighty, were rebuffed by his Senior Officers who informed him that it was, and always had been, the CIA who orchestrated all puppet operations for the U.S. Government and, until such time that there successes in this area faltered, it was unlikely that this would change.

Chastened, Bannon put his ambitions on hold.  Upon entering the business world, he took his first, tenuous, steps forward with his art.  Sources confirm that, during his time with Goldman Sachs and later with Bannon & Co., he was instrumental in the manufacture of several industry puppets in the Securities and Exchange Commission.

In 1993 he took over the Biosphere 2 project in Arizona.  This research project, which Bannon had misunderstood to be an improvisational comedy experiment, predicated on the ridiculous concept of climate change, soon proved an artistic dead end and he moved on after only two years.

It was only after a frustrating time spent in the mainstream entertainment industry, in which he had minimal success asserting his outsider’s ideas on puppetry into a film industry that already had a long and proud history of such manipulation, that he found a home where his work could flourish.

From the moment he established his creature shop at Breitbart News, it became clear that he had come into his own as an artist.  He immediately put his stamp upon the burgeoning cable news world.  Under his complete control, such outrageously comedic characters as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and the, completely over the top, Weeping Glenn Beck, exploded in popularity.

So successful was this venture, in fact, that the work threatened to overcome him.  “Fox News wanted me to be on all the time, 24/7.” Bannon said, in an exclusive interview. “It got to be exhausting.  You just can’t be that ridiculous for that sustained a period of time without risking burnout.   Yet people could not get enough of it.  I began to feel really trapped. It was a dark time, and during all of it, I couldn’t help but think that there was more I could be doing.  A bigger and better stage to share my art.”

Despite the phenomenal popularity of his work with Fox, Bannon made the difficult decision to move on.  He handed over his puppeteering duties to a number of his apprentices at Breitbart, whose work has continued on in his proud tradition.  But art cannot be restrained for long, and was soon burst forth in his next project, the project that will likely define his legacy for generations to come.

It is perhaps ironic that Bannon, who is known for the incredibly realistic nature of his puppets, that his greatest creation is anything but.  The obnoxious, orange tinted, floppy haired creature that Bannon refers to, lovingly, as “The Donald,” veers dangerously into the world of caricature.  Nonetheless, it is, undoubtedly, his greatest success.  The antics of this puppet, replete with unfounded bravado, misogynistic overtones and hilarious narcissism, proved to be the breakout hit of the 2015-2016 season, dominating virtually every form of media.

“It was startling, the success.”  Bannon said.  “The more offensive I made him, the more popular he became.  It was clear we were entering new territory.  I mean, the gloves were totally off.  Comedic gold!”

The hilarity rolled on for the entirety of the year.  The jokes became more elaborate, the behavior more offensive, and still “The Donald’s” popularity continued to grow.  “It was out of control.”  Bannon said.  “I could do nothing wrong.  I tried.  When I released the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape, I figured that would be the end of it, that would be too far, but it wasn’t.”

The Donald and his crew rolled through every, comedically questionable, minefield unscathed.  And, in the end, the joke was on the American people, when Bannon’s puppet was elected the 45th President of the United States.

“I mean, nobody believed that was going to happen.  Least of all, me.”  Bannon said.  “I mean, I guess there is no limit to what people will believe if you put it on TV enough.”

After his initial elation at the enormity of his success had passed, the enormity of the task before Bannon began to sink in.  “Now, I was gonna have to do this every single day for like 4 or even 8 years.  That’s a lot of material to produce.”

Never one to quit, though, Bannon put his head down and went to work.  He decided to expand the cast of characters, surrounding the President elect with a cadre of “consultants.”  Whether it is the adorable, but dim-witted Kellyanne, the hapless Sean Spicer or even Stephen Miller the “angry fascist,” these lifelike mouthpieces never fail to entertain.

But even so, the strain was starting to show on Bannon.  “I wasn’t so sure anymore.  People just suddenly didn’t seem to be enjoying the show.  Who knew it could be so hard to govern?”

It is because of this, the “death spiral” he has detected in the quality of the entertainment, that Bannon has decided to set all other duties aside and recommit to the work.  “I can get this back on track.” he said “Really.  This is just the second season slump.  Wait till we ratchet up the complications, like with a war or something.  Then people will be riveted again.  I promise.”

Privately though, his confidence may not be all that high.  Sources close to the “administration” say that Bannon has secretly set up a series of “consultations”  with other masters of public manipulation.  Next week, they say, he has blocked out 4 days to spend in the company of the greatest puppetmaster of them all, former Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

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Witches Against “Trump Hunt”

In a show of solidarity with President Donald J. Trump, after his comments condemning the “Russian witch hunt,” a representative of the Covenant of the Goddess, an organization representing practitioners of Neo-Paganism, came forward to condemn similar practices directed toward the President.

“We are heartened by the President’s support of our fellow witches, who are currently living on the run in Russia.” said Morgana Ravenwood, a spokesperson for the Covenant.  “We were both surprised and pleased to learn that the leader of the free world was so concerned about the plight of these brave souls, persecuted for their religious beliefs by the violent autocratic regime of Vladimir Putin.  We hereby join with him in condemning this Russian Witch Hunt!”

In a recorded statement issued via YouTube, Ms. Ravenwood said. “We at the Covenant of the Goddess stand against persecution in all of its various forms and therefore must condemn, in the strongest terms the Trump Hunt being undertaken by the media and law enforcement organizations within this country.  Our bill of rights guarantees freedom of religion for all, regardless of belief system.  Though many of Mr. Trump’s beliefs, such as that climate change is a myth, or that he won the popular vote, may seem bizarre to the witches of my coven, we believe that his right to hold such beliefs must be vigorously defended.  If the President truly believes for instance, in the existence of alternative facts, or that Democrats are to blame for the AHCA failure, we must support his right to believe these things, regardless of how ridiculous they seem to my fellow worshippers of the Triple Goddess.  The bedrock of our belief system is tolerance and acceptance, traits that, I am certain, are embodied by our current President.”

Asked if the President had viewed the statement, press secretary Sean Spicer stated that the President “viewed the first few seconds but, as he is a busy man and as he rated Ms. Ravenwood as no higher than a four, he moved on.”  He then criticized several female reporters for taking notes “with an attitude” and left the room in a huff.

Former Delaware congressional candidate, and witchcraft dabbler, Christine O’Donnell broke her silence and chimed in on Twitter.  “I’m still not a witch,” she said “But if they don’t worship Hecate, they are heathens. If Trump goes along he could start to lose.  Badly”

Secretary of education Betsy Devos, was quoted as saying.  “Witches?  Are they the ones with the pointy hats, or the female dogs?  I always get them confused.”

Asked how President Trumps policies align with the ideals of a religious organization that focuses on empowering women and protecting the environment, Ms. Ravenwood said  “I haven’t really studied all of his policy positions but, how bad could he be?  It’s not like he’s going to dismantle the EPA or brag about sexually assaulting women, is he?”

 

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Trump To Intel Committee: Investigate Family From “The Americans”

Frustrated by continued scrutiny of his campaign’s dealings with Russia, and unable to divert investigators attention to alleged Clinton scandals, President Donald J. Trump focused today on a far more insidious threat.  He directed the attention of the House Intelligence Committee to the “very real” Russian ties of Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, the protagonists of the FX series “The Americans.”

“Why isn’t the committee investigating the Jennings?  Phillip and Elizabeth have very real ties to Russia!  Trump Russia story a hoax!” the President tweeted this morning. In a follow up tweet, he said “Every week, I learn something new about their organization, yet NOTHING DONE!  Committee instead chases Trump fiction!”

The Americans is a television series, set 30 years in the past, about Russian sleeper agents, living in suburban Washington, D.C.  Neither the fictional nature of the series, nor the distance in time has deterred top government officials from responding to the President’s call for action. Attorney General Jeff Sessions immediately dispatched a cadre of FBI agents to DuPont circle to examine each and every record from the Jennings’ imaginary travel agency. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, immediately proposed legislation cutting funds to both Medicaid and Welfare programs “until such time as all undocumented workers can be vetted to determine what ties, if any, they have with the, now defunct, U.S.S.R.”

Approached for comment on these latest allegations, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, said “Well, It’s at least as credible as any other story he has given us.”

Devin Nunes, chair of the Intelligence Committee, said that he found these revelations to be “the most troubling I have yet heard.”  He then vowed to throw all committee resources into the Jennings investigation as well as a parallel Russia probe, the top secret details of which he was just made aware of, known only by the code name “Moose and Squirrel.”

 

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Trump Blames AHCA Failure on Illegal Immigrants in Congress

Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act.  After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.

In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.”  These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.

Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information.  He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.

When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand.  The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense  at all.”

Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.

“I think what people respond to with this President,”  Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on.  As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”

When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said.  “Wait!  He said what?”  Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”

Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”

 

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