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Unable to Secure Park Place, Trump Raids Community Chest

Despite his legendary negotiating prowess, President Donald J. Trump was unable to close a deal that would have allowed him exclusive development rights in the coveted Boardwalk/Park place corridor.

The deal, against which the President had staked much of his dwindling capital, was reportedly moments from completion when the title holders suddenly increased their demands and threatened to withhold support for his ambitious plans.

Trump immediately went into negotiating mode. He quickly surrendered control of his utilities, the loss of which would prove to have devastating and perhaps life threatening effects on his tenants. Undeterred by this, Trump plunged, with reckless abandon, into deal mode. He next gave away his interests in the railroad system, arguing that public transportation is an unnecessary luxury. As a final gambit, he bargained away most of his real estate holdings around the low rent district of Connecticut and Vermont avenues, which he described as “too liberal” for his taste.

But in the end, the parties were unable to come to an agreement around the sensitive subject of free parking rules, and Trump, who had thought he was holding all the cards, found himself struggling to make it to the next pay day.

Trump’s reaction was swift and fierce. He kicked over the game board and announced he was quitting. He would not play again until he could amend the rules to his liking. His new target was the community chest, the rules of which he found far too arcane and socialistic. “What kind of prize is $75 bucks for a beauty contest?” he was heard to rant. He stated that he was going to change the reward structure so that all fees collected would be used to improve the properties in the exclusive Marvin Gardens area. He then vowed to elimate the income tax square entirely and to repeal the luxury tax and replace it with a voucher system. He then proposed raiding the remaining bank assets to begin building a wall around the, overly brown, Baltic avenue neighborhood.

At the end, even these changes proved unsatisfactory, and the President announced he was walking away from the table forever.  It seems unlikely, however, that he will long be able to resist the urge to again roll the dice on the future of the American people.

 

You can follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

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Federal Smoke and Mirrors Budget Doubled

The recent Federal budget, proposed by President Donald J. Trump, contains a provision that would, by 2018, double the existing allocation for Smoke and Mirrors.  This represents the largest single increase in this federal program since the second year of the George W. Bush administration.

Since first enacted in 1968, the Smoke and Mirrors program has been one of the four pillars of the Federal budget.  Along with Defense, Social Security and Medicare, the highly successful program represents the lion’s share of all Federal tax dollars spent annually and is, some would argue, the guiding principal behind most functions of our government.  With this in mind, perhaps,  the President’s budget would make steep cuts to the Medicare program and reassign much of these savings to the expansion of the Smoke and Mirrors program.

Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget, recently explained these decisions.  “We can no longer afford to spend money on programs that do not yield results.  Despite the outrageous amounts of money spent on Medicare, people continue to get sick. This, I think, by any metric you care to measure constitutes a failed program.  Smoke and Mirrors, conversely, has been, and continues to be, a tremendous success. You need look no further than the results of the last election to see this.”

The President’s budget plan has received much criticism for its draconian cuts to social programs, such as Meals on Wheels, but this major increase has gone largely unremarked on by the media. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal said  “Of course we noticed the increase. It’s the largest single increase of any federal program…excuse me a second.” He said, investigating a buzzing alert on his phone.  “Look,” he said, “the President just tweeted something about SnoopDogg!”

Asked for comment on the increase, press secretary Sean Spicer said “This represents nothing more than the President doing exactly what the American People hired him to do, and it is what he does better than anyone else.  And furthermore,” he added, as he edged away from the podium, “were you aware that former President Obama personally tapped the phones at Trump tower?”

As of this writing, it is unclear whether this provision of the President’s budget will be made law.  It is important to note, however, that I just found out about this site where you can make a kitten punch the president.  Apparently Trump threatened to sue…wait, where was I?

 

You can follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

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Trump: “No Evidence That Russia Exists”

The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on  FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.

“Comey lied, and I can prove it!”  The President tweeted.  “No evidence that Russia exists.  It’s just not there.  No such place. Fake news!”  He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’  made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss.   Supposed to win but lost!  Sad!”

When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear.  The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”

When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated.  “All I can tell you is this.  The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be.  The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland.  It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”

Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall.  It notably, does not feature Russia.

In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.”  “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there.  I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so?  I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014  Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.

President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by.  Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims.  “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”