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Trump Appoints Christopher Wray to Head FBI Because He Loved Him in Winnie The Pooh.

President Donald J. Trump has, in recent days, been effusive in his praise for Christopher Wray, his nominee for the top position in the FBI, citing a deep personal connection he felt to the former assistant attorney general because he had seen him in so many fine children’s films over the years.

“When I heard that Christopher Wray was available for this job, I was thrilled!”  Trump told a group of supporters on Wednesday.  “When I looked at him, and remembered the examples of his wisdom and strength, as portrayed in the classic  Winnie the Pooh tales written by, that great American, Walt Disney, I knew there could be no better choice.  I thought to myself, who better to defend this nation against domestic terrorism than a man who, even when he was just a boy, always managed to protect and comfort the inhabitants of the hundred acre woods.  He really knew how to keep the peace.  In all his time, only one Tigger got past the wall and I don’t even need to tell you about the Heffalump profiling program.”

Trump continued, visibly tearing up.  “I will never forget his timeless words ‘we’ll always be friends forever.’  That’s what I want in this job.  A friend, who isn’t mean to me.  A friend who will always be loyal.”

When reminded that was actually speaking about a fictional character named Christopher Robin and not to Christopher Wray, the Yale educated defense attorney and former justice department official, Trump brushed it off.  “I never paid much attention to the part of the cartoon with the words.  I don’t like too many words.  I like my own words.  And this Christopher Wren guy, well Priebus picked him out.”

When asked about the President’s mistake, chief of staff Reince Priebus said, “Oh, bother!!” and locked himself in his office.

Attorney General Jeff Session, when briefed on the misunderstanding said, fretfully, “Oh d-d-dear!” and immediately recused himself.

President Trump said he would meet personally with Wray at Camp David, where they could relax by a private stream and get to know each other over a bit of honey and a game of pooh sticks, before getting on to the serious business of finding Sean Spicer’s missing tail.

 

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Trump Hires Special Counsel to Investigate Special Counsel

In a surprising response to the Justice Department’s decision to appoint special counsel to oversee the, ever expanding, Russia investigation, President Donald J. Trump has announced the hiring of a “Special, special Counsel” to oversee the overseeing of the investigation.

“What’s so special about his counselling?” Trump tweeted, in reference to the appointment of Robert Mueller who had, from 2001 to 2013 , served as the Director of the FBI.  “I’ve got counsellors way more special than him.  The specialest!  And I’m gonna use them!”

Trump then went on to detail, in 140 character bursts, his creation of the “Office of Special Counsel to the Office of Special Counsel.” from which his, hand picked, investigator will investigate the investigation.

The investigator will, according to the President, follow Mueller at every stage of the investigation, being vigilant for any signs of “special investigative misconduct.”  This will be accomplished by means of tailing Mueller to all of his appointments and interviews and listening in on conversations, possibly by means of holding a glass against the door and putting their ear to it.  “Smart stuff, like on TV,” the President tweeted.

“The Special special counsellor will stay close to Mr. Mueller, following him following every lead, examining every examination of evidence, witnessing every witness, and re-documenting every document” said press secretary Sean Spicer, at an impromptu press conference.  “The important thing, from the President’s perspective, is that the Mr. Mueller understands that we are watching everything he does.”

Asked if this special special attention could be regarded as a, not so subtle threat to the independent investigator, Spicer said.  “Of course not!  I’m disappointed that you, in the fake media, would try to frame it that way.  All we are doing is here is providing additional support to this, important investigation and making sure that nothing is overlooked.  The President, and every member of his cabinet, wish only for this investigation to run smoothly and conclude swiftly.  We want to assist that effort in every way-”

Spicer paused at this point, as every phone in the room chirped an alert.  Glancing down at his own phone, Spicer sighed heavily and continued. “Or…to put it in the Presidents own word, which he just tweeted now, ‘Mr. Mueller better hope there are no recordings of him listening to any recordings of my conversations with Comey before he starts leaking!’ ”

“Well, there you have it.”  said Spicer, struggling for words.  “The President is clearly expressing his uh..hope.. that the investigation will go smoothly.”  Spicer then slipped behind a large fern and refused to answer any more questions.

The President has not yet named the special special counsel, but he has floated a few possible names.  “It’s gotta be somebody everyone likes and trust,” he tweeted, “Like Rudy Giuliani, or Chris Christie.”

In a television appearance on MSNBC, presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway was asked if the President’s interference with the independent investigation might constitute clear obstruction of justice.  “That is nonsense,” she replied, “It is exactly the opposite.  It’s obstruction of obstruction of justice.”

 

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Lord Voldemort is the Leading Contender For FBI Director

The short list of candidates for the, newly vacated, post of FBI Director, got shorter today as the President informed his advisors that he was nearing a decision on the most appropriate replacement.  Among the cadre of unusual  choices, the leading contender seems to be, sources report, the one with the code  designation “He who must not be named.”

“The President very much likes the way he thinks.”  said a source familiar with the President’s thinking.  “He’s got the right attitude about immigrants, half-breeds and those who don’t meet our standards of racial purity.”  The source, who is definitely not Steve Bannon, said that the former Dark Lord could also be counted on to keep the rank and file agents in line, something which has been a bit of a challenge in recent months.

“He’s not afraid to use the Imperious curse on anyone who persists in investigating things that we feel don’t need to be investigated.”  The source continues.  “That’s just the kind of leadership we need in these, overly litigious times.”

Lord Voldemort, or “He who must not be named” could face an uphill confirmation battle, if the senate Democrats carry through on their threats to impede all further appointments until a special prosecutor is appointed.  “We’ll see,” our source said.  “A little touch of the Cruciatus curse and those snowflakes will melt like you dropped ’em in Snape’s cauldron.”

The potential appointment has those on both sides of the aisle concerned.  “Everyone who is anyone in the witch community knows all about Tommy Riddle” said former Republican senate candidate Christine O’Donnell.  “He does not play well with others and he does not like to share power. ”

This is true on its face.  Lord Voldemort, the persona assumed by dark wizard Tom Riddle upon his ascent to the forefront of the dark wizardry community in England, has a sketchy history at best with government.  When last Riddle was publicly active, he secretly installed loyalists sympathetic to his evil agenda at every level of the Ministry of Magic, thereby hampering all efforts at investigating his improper actions and shutting down all legal attempts at thwarting his despicable plans.  He also installed an unqualified, out of touch, toady as the head of the educational system in an effort to keep the next generation docile and ill informed.

“Trump’s already got all that covered. ” said Senator Al Franken, “He is not just going to allow another showboat to take over the one thing he has actually succeeded at.  And who needs an army of Death Eaters to mindlessly follow his lead, when he already has the entire Fox News viewership.  And those people will buy his products too.  There’s no upside for him.  I don’t see it working out.”

Still, many close to the President feel this may be his best decision yet.  “They seem like a perfect team to me.” said senior Trump advisor Stephen Miller.  “Their authoritarian tendencies mesh really well with the atmosphere we are trying to promote in this administration.  And you better agree with me, or I will send out the Dementors!”

The rise of Voldemort has led to the sudden downfall of other up and comers, once in consideration for James Comey’s former post. Before deciding on Riddle, Trump is said to have considered a number of other fictional villains for the position of Americas top cop. Other hopefuls have reportedly included, James Moriarty, the Master, Randall Flagg and, Darth Vader himself, former Vice President Dick Cheney.  In the end, none of them could compete with the utter ruthlessness of “You-Know-Who”, the only man on record with a more heartless agenda than that of the 115th congress.  “Plus, he’s British,” the source said,  “and being around British people makes you seem smart, which the President really kind of needs.”

ironically, his British heritage might represent the biggest hurdle to the Dark Lord’s ascension.  Lord Voldemort is not a citizen of the United States and may have difficulties, owing to Mr. Trump’s immigration policies, in obtaining entry to the US.

“This is not a concern” our source informed us.  “Riddle has given the required $500,000 to the Kushner family, and will therefore immediately be granted citizenship.”

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FBI Director Fired For Re-Opening the X-Files

The firing of FBI Director James Comey was due to an unsettling investigation spearheaded by the former director, and not because of his conduct in the Hillary Clinton email investigation, the White House now confirms.  President Trump actually made the decision to terminate when he became discovered that Mr. Comey was actively working to re-open the, long dormant, X-Files.

“Let me be perfectly clear.”  Said press secretary Sean Spicer, shortly after persistent leaks forced the administration to change their story. “The truth is not out there!  And it is a shameful waste of resources to try and pursue it.  In fact, I can state, for the record that I, personally, have not seen one trace of truth since the moment I took this job, and I can offer you the President’s assurance that he will do everything in his power to see that it stays that way for as long as he is in the oval office.”

“The truth is out there” was a catch phrase from “The X-Files” a popular fictional television series that ran for 9 seasons, spawned two motion pictures and a 2016 television reboot.  It tells the story of two FBI agents who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of wealthy old white men who collude with an alien power to secure themselves, and their families, positions of power after an invasion has subjugated all other humans.  These men assist in the subjugation by helping to distribute massive amounts of a black oil which, when humans are exposed to it, creates total loss of free will through a mysterious illness that no amount of, government funded, healthcare can cure.  Mr. Spicer was quick to point out that any apparent similarities between the plot of the show and the activities of the current administration were purely coincidental, and not worthy of FBI investigation.

“It’s absurd!” said Spicer. “We do not need some foreign agency to take over and turn our people into mindless sheep that believe everything we tell them unquestioningly.  We have Fox News for that. The only aliens we are concerned with are south of the border.  Kennedy was not assassinated by the Cigarette smoking man, but rather by Ted Cruz’s father and, most importantly the good people of America have nothing to fear from pure, black oil. And, in unrelated news, the President has taken the next step in moving forward on the Dakota pipeline.  More to follow on this.”

“Mr. Comey insisted on pursuing these, ridiculous, conspiracy theories when he had been clearly tasked with finding out exactly when and how former President Obama had placed a microwave oven camera in Mr. Trump’s headquarters.  It is because of this willful disregard of the President’s absolute authority and not, as previously stated, because he was mean to Hillary, that Mr. Comey was fired.  Furthermore, although the President is greatly appreciative of the fine work done by Agents Mulder and Scully during their active years at the bureau, a time during which they rid this nation of many monsters – like do you remember that guy who could squeeze himself through pipes or that terrifying Mexican Chupacabra – Mr. Trump must regretfully inform then that their services are no longer required.  He will be having his personal bodyguard deliver their termination papers to them, as soon as they can be located.  We understand that Mr. Mulder’s basement office may be currently underwater, due to the issues we have been having with the swamp drain, and thus he may be difficult to track down.”

Asked who would replace Comey in the, now vacant, position, Spicer said there was only ever one serious contender.  “Mr. Trump intends to offer the position to the man he believes to be our finest living agent.  We expect that Mr. Dale Cooper will be assuming command as soon as he wraps up the remaining details in the tragic Laura Palmer case.”

 

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