In the wake of the latest reports of illegal activity by former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the Trump administration was forced to go on the offensive today in their attempt to combat rumors of collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 Presidential election. Their latest approach is a bold attempt to cast doubt on the narrative by highlighting their own ineptitude and inaction.
“I did nothing with Russia.” The President tweeted, in his daily attack on the news media, “but #fakenews won’t leave it alone. Why? Why not focus on other things I haven’t done. Like anything!”
“This is so typical of the dishonest news media” said press secretary, Sean Spicer. “You take one, tiny, story confirming that our, hand picked, former National Security advisor was criminally employed as an agent of a foreign government while advising our campaign and treat it as if it is some kind of scandal rather than an example of the lack of planning and poor decision making that are standard operating procedure for our Administration. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Just because” Spicer continued, “the house oversight committee came to a, vanishingly rare, bipartisan agreement on the fact that this man, who was the President’s hand-picked choice to head our national security apparatus, committed a criminal offense and likely faces jail time for failing to disclose his financial relationship with a foreign lobbying agency with deep ties to the Russian government, you in the fake new community automatically treat it like some diabolical plan? I think not. It is far more likely that this, incredibly incriminating turn of events is merely the product of a President with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder meeting far too briefly with a vetting committee apparently unfamiliar with the existence of google.”
Spicer then began to lecture the assembled reporters. “In your endless search for ratings…and let me just pause here to tell that the President wishes me to remind you that his ratings are the best, the greatest ever…you focus on these unproven allegations of our coordinated attempts to thwart the will of the people, yet you fail to address the core question of our competency to do these things. Frankly, and I think I can say this with some certainty, you give us way too much credit. Just look at our record, these last hundred days. Despite three months of complete, one party control, we have been unable to pass a single piece of legislation. We have utterly and embarrassingly failed to repeal Obamacare despite that being the sole unifying principal of Republican politics for the last seven years. We have completely reversed ourselves on the use of executive orders, our relationship with China, payment for the border wall and NATO! Despite, his reputation as a tough negotiator, the President has not won a single concession from his own party! The leader of the free world issues decrees in 140 characters or less and we have to communicate with the President by going on cable TV! Yet you think that we masterminded the single most audacious, complex and successful conspiracy in the history of the Republic? Really? We apparently don’t even know which direction North Korea is in!”
When a press pool reporter pointed out that it was the Russians who were the alleged masterminds and that administration officials could simply have followed their instructions, Spicer silently indicated the, newly posted, “Sit down and shut up” signs on the press room walls. “Am, I not being clear?” he said, “My point is, you are doing a disservice to the American people with your polarizing attempts to delegitimize this President by endlessly repeating these tired old allegations of high treason by the leader of the free world. It only distracts us and slows us in our, thus far largely successful, efforts to delegitimize ourselves. All this conspiracy talk, is just talk. I’ve worked here for months now and I can tell you for certain that we are just not up to the task folks.”
Shortly after the press conference, senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway made an appearance on Fox News to clarify the Administration position. “I think what Sean was trying to say was not that we are not up to the task because we are totally up to the task , but rather, and I think our record thus far proves this point, that we just wouldn’t be any good at the task.” Glancing at a monitor, she adjusted her positon to better display her, tastefully designed, “IvankaTrump.com” T-Shirt. “I mean, let’s face it, I can’t even manage to make a TV appearance without violating Federal Ethics laws. How could I possibly mastermind the theft of an election?”
Asked if using incompetence as a defense was really the best approach for this embattled White House, Conway only smiled. “Incompetence, is not necessarily a disqualifying factor for employment. Just look at CNN. Even after their coverage of the Presidential campaign, everyone there still has a job. And look at all the pollsters. Compared to their results, our performance doesn’t look so bad now does it?”
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