In the wake of, then candidate, Greg Gianforte’s body slamming of a Guardian reporter, an event that resulted in both a misdemeanor assault charge and an electoral victory for Gianforte, the Trump administration was quick to adapt to the changing political landscape, swiftly adapting their signature Healthcare legislation to encourage further such incidents.
“The American taxpayer should not be forced to foot the bill for some nosy reporter who was, through his own irresponsibility in arrogantly pursuing the duties of a free press, given the smackdown he deserves,” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget. “I mean, if we are seriously expected to shell out good money every time a Republican candidate finds themselves unwilling to take a stand on the President’s policies and is therefore forced to smash the reporter’s teeth in, then this will be a very expensive election cycle indeed. We simply can’t afford such largesse during these difficult financial times.”
“Therefore,” Mulvaney continued, “the President has instructed congress that he wishes to see an immediate change, tentatively titled the ‘open season amendment,’ to the AHCA which will eliminate, from all coverage pools and subsidies, anyone identifying themselves as a member of the press. Additionally, there will be a surcharge, known as the ‘PITA’ tax, for any employer providing such benefits to members of the press.”
Noting the stunned silence among the assembled press pool, Mulvaney said, “This is the only policy that makes financial sense. Clearly this sort of thing is going to continue to happen as long as these, so called, fourth estate types continue to ask for logical explanations of illogical stances and reasoned defenses of indefensible policies. And if we do provide such expensive care, after each, richly deserved, ass beating, there is absolutely nothing to stop the offenders from coming back and asking inconvenient questions again. Our only choice in the matter is whether to pay or whether not to pay. We have now made that choice.”
The President came out strongly in support of this measure, tweeting,
“#Openseason on the press! Give em a Gianforte welcome! Press are #enemiesofpeople. Except those we like. Looking at you #foxandfriends” He followed this with a second, more puzzling, tweet. “When is #Oreillyfactor coming back? That’s a long vacation. Great guy, Bill. Knows how to treat the press and the ladies.”
Despite a thorough search of all the surrounding shrubbery, members of the press corps were unable to locate press secretary Sean Spicer for comment. A source close to the administration told us that Mr. Spicer is in hiding, under the, clearly mistaken, assumption that anyone at all would mistake him for a responsible member of the press.
Mulvaney then stated that the funding cutbacks would not be limited to medical coverage. Severe cutbacks to other portions of the social safety net would also be necessary to deal with the looming financial and electoral crisis.
“We can’t just waste expensive police resources on responding to every snowflake reporter who gets his clock cleaned while pursuing some obnoxious first amendment fantasy. We are, of course, hopeful that these incidents happen more frequently, as these bottom feeders try to hold Republican politicians to account for their support of the destructive and hateful policies that the President has championed. Police involvement would be both wasteful and a waste of time, as we all know that the assaulters will be let off with a slap of the wrist. With this in mind, the President will be issuing an order to all law enforcement agencies to instead focus their energies on their principle duties, such as keeping a certain element out of your communities, if you know what I mean.” Mulvaney then winked at the horrified reporters.
Asked whether the injuries sustained by Ben Jacobs, the assaulted Guardian reporter, would still be covered, as they occurred prior to the amendment, Mulvaney replied, “Being a member of the press qualifies as a pre-existing condition. At least until we can wipe them out of existence.” He then punched the reporter in the face and left the room.
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter
