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Breaking News: In a Shocking Breach of Protocol, Republican Lawmakers Do No Evil Today

In a shocking departure from longstanding tradition, Senate and House Republicans have, as of this writing, not committed any evil acts or issued any vile statements since sunrise this morning.  Furthermore, sources close to the leadership have revealed that there is no loathsome activity scheduled for the rest of the day.

This absolutely unprecedented pause in hateful behavior has many of the party rank and file concerned about the future direction of the party and, specifically, their roles in the GOP’s horrid agenda.

“It’s just frustrating,” said one Republican representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, “My day was supposed to begin by submitting a proposal to take food stamps from children, followed by a lunchtime NRA rally at Sandy Hook.  Then I was to cap it off with a night of defending Trump’s tweets on cable news. Then the word came down to “slow things down” and, before you know it, I’m cooling my heels at home, trying to amuse myself with a magnifying glass and some insects..”

Though he remains loyal to the Party’s stated goals of promoting oligarchic fascism at the expense of the welfare of their own voters, this representative says it is often hard for an ambitious politician to follow the, arbitrary and capricious rules of civility sometimes hinted at by leadership.  “I suppose the idea is to keep them guessing,” he said, barely disguising his distaste at the prospect.  “But my voters are expecting a much more direct approach.  How am I supposed to get in front of a primary challenge if I am not allowed to express my truly reprehensible nature in every statement and action?  All this head fakery may be fine for the speaker or for McConnell but if I wanted to masquerade as a reasonable minded defender of common man, only to tragically disappoint them later, I should have just become a Democrat.”  He visibly shuddered at this prospect.  “Let’s hope it never comes to that.”

The lack of offensive vitriol issued from the highest levels of power in Washington, has not gone unnoticed by the public.  Ratings for the Fox News Network have cratered in the absence of inflammatory rhetoric to be echoed by every host and correspondent.  “This is extremely troubling and dangerous to the bottom line,” said Bill Shine, Co-President in charge of programming for the Cable News giant. “If the leadership in Washington doesn’t soon provide us with freshly galling material to parrot, our advertisers will not be happy.  I mean, how are we supposed to fill 24 hours of outrage without some guidance from the Washington bad idea factory?  Are we supposed to make up this stuff ourselves.  I’m sorry, but we are not that clever.  Without some help, we will be forced to do the unthinkable:  Report the news, without any commentary.  And who wants to watch that?”

Though things currently look grim for his noxious agenda, House Speaker Paul Ryan was quick to state that the pause in nefarious activity is only a temporary one.  “Mitch (McConnell) and I just needed to push the pause button for a minute so that we could more carefully align our separate sinister strategies.  After all, it takes more than one hammer to effectively nail the American people.  But, working together, we can be the tools that really ruin the experience of American Democracy.  And I think that is a thing worth doing.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could not, it seems, agree more.  “My esteemed colleague Mr. Ryan clearly has his heart in the wrong place, which is all I can ask,” McConnell said.  “This, temporary pause in pernicious protocol is just what we need to recharge our batteries for our next assault on human decency.  We have a lot of work to do.  It isn’t enough, for instance, merely to kick millions of people off their health insurance.  It is also incumbent on us to make that insurance worse for the people who still have it.  It is not enough to ignore evidence of Russian interference in our electoral system.  We must also tacitly encourage it, so long as it suits our unwholesome needs.  And most importantly, it is not enough to simply support this ignorant man-baby who is our President.  It is our solemn duty to goad him on to even more egregious actions!”

Both Ryan and McConnell are clear that this unexpected respite from ruinous behavior will end almost as quickly as it began.  In a joint statement to the press, they announced that both deliberative bodies will be back in action tomorrow, with a full slate of deplorable policy initiatives.  “If you thought this healthcare plan was evil,” Ryan said, flashing his most winning smile, “Wait till you see what the next one looks like.”

 

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Mitch McConnell Announces Zombiecare Initiative

After weeks of speculation, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today released details on his, much anticipated, Senate version of the AHCA.  Defying all expectation, the bill will not be an austerity based, budget hawkish, program but will instead rely on a revolutionary new treatment protocol.

“This pill will make all the difference for hundreds of millions of Americans!” McConnell said, holding aloft a small, green tinted, capsule, as he addressed a small gathering from the steps of the Capitol building.  The new drug, produced via a partnership between Bristol-Meyers Squib and the CDC, will, according to McConnell, provide the solution for all known medical problems.

“We asked ourselves, what group of our citizens have the absolute least need for expensive medical care,” McConnell said.  “The answer is, of course, the dead.  But very few people actually wish to be dead.  With this revolutionary treatment, the American people can have the best of both worlds.”

McConnell went on to explain that after only one dose of the drug, known as “Putrifican,” patients would go to sleep, cease all healthcare requiring processes, and awake, three days later.  They will then be able to go on with all of the most important aspects of life such as going to work, texting emojis, and watching reality TV.

“And they will never, repeat, never, need healthcare again!” McConnell said, grinning from ear to ear.  “The savings will be incredible!”

The treatment, which has been in development since late 2010, has already shown astounding results during various testing phases.  McConnell was able to cite many success stories for the protocol, including the voting record of his home state of Kentucky and the continued box office success of the “Transformers” series.

Asked about the tremendous secrecy surrounding the development of this plan, McConnell said, “That’s just good entertainment.  Gotta keep them guessing.”  He allowed himself a small, self-satisfied, chuckle.  “Bet those Democrats never saw this coming.  When they called it ‘Zombiecare’ they just had no idea.”

Asked about the many concerns citizens might have about the quality of life or, more appropriately, death for the hundreds of millions who would undergo this treatment, McConnell was very direct.  “Just put a smartphone in their hands,” he said, ” and I guarantee you that no one will be able to tell the difference.”

Asked for White House comment on the controversial protocol, deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said.  “Brains….Brains….Eat Brains….”

When pressed on the likelihood that the American people would accept this radical solution, McConnell admitted that there might be some resistance, but praised the work of the President in pointing the way forward.  “I admit, the Democrats might take issue with this,” McConnell said, “but the Trump voter will swallow anything we tell them to.”

 

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Lex Luthor Praises AHCA as Impressively Evil

Lex Luthor, CEO of Lexcorp and famously antisocial psychopath, became the first high profile supervillain to endorse the American Health Care Act, the Trump administration’s signature legislation designed to re-engineer the health insurance markets and replace Obamacare.

“I’ve engineered more than my share of reckless, life endangering, schemes in my ongoing quest to further enrich myself, but nothing I’ve ever done in that area is as impressively evil as what the Republicans have just pulled off in one afternoon.”  Luthor said, at a press event in his executive office, high above the city of Metropolis. “I really have to take my hat off to them.  I mean, anyone can kill of a whole bunch of people in one fell swoop, but it takes a special kind of monster to throw 24 million people off healthcare and watch them die slow deaths that would have been easily preventable if only they could afford the care.  It’s inspired.  It makes me think I should really up my game.  When I fired those missiles at the San Andreas fault, in an attempt to raise the value of my, soon to be coastal, real estate holdings, it would have killed millions, for sure.  But that is nothing compared to the tens of millions whose lives will be destroyed by this, gloriously reprehensible, congressional action!”

“Think of it!” Luthor continued, his eyes blazing beneath his shaved dome.  “Cancer treatments suspended!  Diabetes drugs denied!  And, best of all, C-Sections counted as pre-existing conditions, thus denying potentially life saving treatment to mothers and their unborn children!  All from the party of Family Values!  All so that I, Lex Luthor, can receive a gigantic tax cut!  I am humbled by the ferocity and ingeniousness of their unfettered malevolence.  Kudos, I say, to all who have signed on to this legislation and to all those who votes made this all possible.  Your complicity cannot be denied, now can it?”

Other top malefactors were quick to jump on the bandwagon.  The Joker weighed in via a Facebook live feed.  “I’m all smiles!”  He said, showing off his impressive array of teeth.  “I absolutely love how they have cut off funding for mental health services.  Looks like it’s playtime at Arkham once again!  I’m going to deliver an essential benefits waiver right to the front gates.  I’ll blow up the insurance markets and the security checkpoints all in one fell swoop! Let’s make America Great Again!  Great Fun, that is!”

Not to be outdone, the Riddler was soon to chime in with a tweeted puzzle of his own.  “Riddle me this.  What’s the difference between an orderly, prosperous,  healthy society and a wasteland of inhuman suffering and misery?”  Shortly after, he tweeted the solution. “Answer:  Medicaid Block Grants!  #MAGA #NoEvilLikeRepublicanEvil”

Congratulatory messages were limited merely to this planet.  Utilizing Google’s, patent pending, TimeSlip service, Emperor Palpatine weighed in from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, where he is currently working on the rushed construction, at an unimaginable cost, of a second Death Star.  “Impressive.”  He said, “Most impressive. The Empire has committed all of our resources to a battle station that has but one purpose.  The destruction of entire planets and the genocide of whole populations.  But only now have I learned that this, Trump, this master of evil, is accomplishing the same thing, with substantial savings, merely through healthcare and environmental policies.  Perhaps, I have chosen the wrong…apprentice.”

Other legendary villains have not been so quick to weigh in.  Victor Von Doom will only say he is withholding judgment until it he is able to determine whether his services as a Doctor will be covered under any insurance products available under the new program.  We have been unable to reach the Dark Lord Sauron, despite numerous attempts to contact him, both at home in Mordor, and at his corporate offices in the Fox News Building.

Acclaim has not been universal among all legendary miscreants.  One notable lowlife, perhaps the most famous of modern times, has not much good to say about the plan.  “It’s weak.  It doesn’t go far enough” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.  “Some people are still able to get coverage.”

 

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Ryan Announces Revolutionary New Health Lottery Plan

Succumbing to conservative pressure over  his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.

“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.”  Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers.  “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare.  It is time for new thinking and new approaches.  It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”

Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.

Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans.  Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan.  “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare.  They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once.  They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties.  Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”

Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only.  Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas.  According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.”  In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?”  “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”

Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct.  “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families.  We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here.  This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money.  Like investment bankers.”

When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines.  It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”

When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid.  “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy.  Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”

 

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