President Donald J. Trump puzzled historians today with controversial remarks on the origins of the Civil War, comments that have left critics questioning the President’s very understanding of the most serious internal conflict in America’s history. The President’s assertion: The Civil War was entirely the fault of Iron Man.
“You got these heroes, right. Fighting, every day, for the little guy.” The President said, during an interview intended to be about Healthcare Policy. “Good people, great people, the very best! Then this guy in an iron suit tries to slap all these regulations on everything they do, like some kind of Washington Democrat. What was the Captain supposed to do? He had to fight. Boom! Civil War. But it could have been prevented. If there had been a strong President. But there wasn’t. A lot of people don’t know that.”
At a press briefing, later in the day, press secretary Sean Spicer was asked to clarify these remarks. “Okay,” Spicer said, before pausing to swallow a handful of extra strength Tylenol, “To be clear, the President was not referring to the American Civil War, a tragic conflict that caused the deaths of roughly 620,000 Americans and nearly ended the American Union, but rather to the Disney and Marvel studios produced motion picture ‘Captain America: Civil War.’ The President has carefully studied both of these conflicts and he simply misspoke. The President is already on record as stating that the American Civil War, the bloodiest conflict in American History, could have easily been prevented by President Andrew Jackson if he had only had the foresight to live another 16 years, be re-elected 6 more times and, perhaps, given up the practice of slave ownership. The President wishes to honor the sacrifice of those brave soldiers in that conflict, even the rebels fighting under the command of General Stan Lee. He further wishes to state that, despite previous reports, he has never suggested that Samuel L. Jackson is, in any way related to Andrew Jackson.”
Perhaps the most surprising part of the President’s Civil War Assertion is his apparent identification with Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America. One would assume, at first glance that he would have more in common with Iron Man Tony Stark, the womanizing billionaire celebrity, who was born into the good life. Not so, says the President. “Cap’s an outsider, like me. He saw these crushing regulations being handed down by government insiders and he knew he had to fight. He wasn’t supposed to win. Everybody said he was gonna lose. But he won. Just like me.”
Reminded that Captain America didn’t actually win and that his band of associates were forced to live in exile in an undisclosed location in order to avoid imprisonment, the President announced that the interview was over and walked away from the camera.
“Maybe it’s because they both had tiny hands.” Said Minnesota Senator Al Franken, referring to Trump’s fondness for Captain America. “Seriously though, Steve Rogers started out small. But, thankfully, he was able to avail himself of a government program to help him better himself. In gratitude he wrapped himself in the red, white and blue and went out to fight for truth and justice. Of course, Trump wants to cut funding for government programs, but he sure does like to wrap himself in the flag.”
Asked if he found Trump’s excessive fondness for the film to be disturbing, Franken replied. “It does lead me to question both his judgement and his mental state. I mean, sure it was a fun movie and all but no one in their right mind believes that Captain America beats Iron Man in a fight.”
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