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Breaking News: In a Shocking Breach of Protocol, Republican Lawmakers Do No Evil Today

In a shocking departure from longstanding tradition, Senate and House Republicans have, as of this writing, not committed any evil acts or issued any vile statements since sunrise this morning.  Furthermore, sources close to the leadership have revealed that there is no loathsome activity scheduled for the rest of the day.

This absolutely unprecedented pause in hateful behavior has many of the party rank and file concerned about the future direction of the party and, specifically, their roles in the GOP’s horrid agenda.

“It’s just frustrating,” said one Republican representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, “My day was supposed to begin by submitting a proposal to take food stamps from children, followed by a lunchtime NRA rally at Sandy Hook.  Then I was to cap it off with a night of defending Trump’s tweets on cable news. Then the word came down to “slow things down” and, before you know it, I’m cooling my heels at home, trying to amuse myself with a magnifying glass and some insects..”

Though he remains loyal to the Party’s stated goals of promoting oligarchic fascism at the expense of the welfare of their own voters, this representative says it is often hard for an ambitious politician to follow the, arbitrary and capricious rules of civility sometimes hinted at by leadership.  “I suppose the idea is to keep them guessing,” he said, barely disguising his distaste at the prospect.  “But my voters are expecting a much more direct approach.  How am I supposed to get in front of a primary challenge if I am not allowed to express my truly reprehensible nature in every statement and action?  All this head fakery may be fine for the speaker or for McConnell but if I wanted to masquerade as a reasonable minded defender of common man, only to tragically disappoint them later, I should have just become a Democrat.”  He visibly shuddered at this prospect.  “Let’s hope it never comes to that.”

The lack of offensive vitriol issued from the highest levels of power in Washington, has not gone unnoticed by the public.  Ratings for the Fox News Network have cratered in the absence of inflammatory rhetoric to be echoed by every host and correspondent.  “This is extremely troubling and dangerous to the bottom line,” said Bill Shine, Co-President in charge of programming for the Cable News giant. “If the leadership in Washington doesn’t soon provide us with freshly galling material to parrot, our advertisers will not be happy.  I mean, how are we supposed to fill 24 hours of outrage without some guidance from the Washington bad idea factory?  Are we supposed to make up this stuff ourselves.  I’m sorry, but we are not that clever.  Without some help, we will be forced to do the unthinkable:  Report the news, without any commentary.  And who wants to watch that?”

Though things currently look grim for his noxious agenda, House Speaker Paul Ryan was quick to state that the pause in nefarious activity is only a temporary one.  “Mitch (McConnell) and I just needed to push the pause button for a minute so that we could more carefully align our separate sinister strategies.  After all, it takes more than one hammer to effectively nail the American people.  But, working together, we can be the tools that really ruin the experience of American Democracy.  And I think that is a thing worth doing.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could not, it seems, agree more.  “My esteemed colleague Mr. Ryan clearly has his heart in the wrong place, which is all I can ask,” McConnell said.  “This, temporary pause in pernicious protocol is just what we need to recharge our batteries for our next assault on human decency.  We have a lot of work to do.  It isn’t enough, for instance, merely to kick millions of people off their health insurance.  It is also incumbent on us to make that insurance worse for the people who still have it.  It is not enough to ignore evidence of Russian interference in our electoral system.  We must also tacitly encourage it, so long as it suits our unwholesome needs.  And most importantly, it is not enough to simply support this ignorant man-baby who is our President.  It is our solemn duty to goad him on to even more egregious actions!”

Both Ryan and McConnell are clear that this unexpected respite from ruinous behavior will end almost as quickly as it began.  In a joint statement to the press, they announced that both deliberative bodies will be back in action tomorrow, with a full slate of deplorable policy initiatives.  “If you thought this healthcare plan was evil,” Ryan said, flashing his most winning smile, “Wait till you see what the next one looks like.”

 

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Washington Prepares For Annual Easter Ethics Hunt

With just a week to go before the event, Turmoil has engulfed the Capitol city, as controversy and partisan rancor cloud the run up to, that most cherished of annual traditions, the Easter Ethics Hunt.

The beloved event, in which members of the dueling political parties scramble to find any vestiges of ethics within the confines of Washington, D.C., is facing new hurdles as party infighting has complicated the process of candidate selection.  In previous years there have been few contenders for the task, which provides modest bragging rights to the candidate who is able to scrounge up the most traces of the, exceedingly rare, element, and awards the victorious party with the dubious distinction of most ethical in Washington.  But in this contentious and scandal ridden season, rising above even this, admittedly, low bar has risen in importance.

The squabble to be the low standard bearer began early.  On the Democratic side, Senator Bernie Sanders seemed to enjoy the most popular and enthusiastic support.  But the DNC, citing its superior knowledge of the playing field, felt differently and proceeded to bend the rules. As a result of their manipulation, it now appears that their team will instead be represented by an overprogrammed automaton which they have given the odd name of Benthir Dunthat.  This has divided the base of the party and threatens to greatly reduce turnout of the cheering section necessary to push the candidate across the finish line.

The DNC is standing firmly behind its decision, however, as they are certain that their robotic candidate, despite its tonedeafness, stiff demeanor and slow responsiveness, has all the requisite tools to win, considering the caliber of the competition.  A spokesman for the DNC said “With our technological advantage, there is no way we can lose.  Unless the software gets hacked or something, but how likely is that?”

On the Republican side, the bench is somewhat deeper, but there is no lack of scandal associated with the process.  Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, was once considered the front runner but was forced to recuse himself from the hunt after it was revealed that he had been leaking false ethics information to the press in an effort to distract the judges and give his side an edge.

After Nunes sudden ouster, all Republican eyes were trained on the White House as it was hoped that, perhaps, the President or one of his close associates could take the lead in this prestigious contest.  But, after a round of preliminary testing, in which an ethics sample was placed at various locations in the west wing, it soon became clear that while no one in the President’s circle seemed able to recognize the substance, they did display an almost preternatural ability to avoid encountering it in any of its forms. “It was extraordinary.” said the agent in charge of the testing. “Even if they accidentally stumbled upon some ethics, they would discard it immediately to pursue their agenda.”  It was clear that no ethical responsibility could be placed on the White House.

In the aftermath of this failure, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell decided to throw his hat in the ring.  He addressed the assembled majority and made his case.  He should lead the ethics hunt, as he was clearly the purest and most ethical member of the Senate. Some thirteen hours later, when the laughter had finally ceased, McConnell introduced a motion to change the contest bylaws so that  he could appoint himself.  As of this writing, that vote is still underway.

A week away from the event, neither side seems to have a viable candidate for the search.  Tragic as this might seem, however, the consequences of this failure may not be as dire as one would expect.  “We don’t want to see too crowded a field.”  an event organizer stated, on condition of anonymity.  “After all, last years contestants are still out there.  It seems that, after an entire year scouring the halls of government, they have been unable to find a trace of ethics anywhere.”

 

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