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Trump Health Plan Not to Cover Reporters

In the wake of, then candidate, Greg Gianforte’s body slamming of a Guardian reporter, an event that resulted in both a misdemeanor assault charge and an electoral victory for Gianforte, the Trump administration was quick to adapt to the changing political landscape, swiftly adapting their signature Healthcare legislation to encourage further such incidents.

“The American taxpayer should not be forced to foot the bill for some nosy reporter who was, through his own irresponsibility in arrogantly pursuing the duties of a free press, given the smackdown he deserves,” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “I mean, if we are seriously expected to shell out good money every time a Republican candidate finds themselves unwilling to take a stand on the President’s policies and is therefore forced to smash the reporter’s teeth in, then this will be a very expensive election cycle indeed.  We simply can’t afford such largesse during these difficult financial times.”

“Therefore,” Mulvaney continued, “the President has instructed congress that he wishes to see an immediate change, tentatively titled the ‘open season amendment,’ to the AHCA which will eliminate, from all coverage pools and subsidies, anyone identifying themselves as a member of the press.  Additionally, there will be a surcharge, known as the ‘PITA’ tax, for any employer providing such benefits to members of the press.”

Noting the stunned silence among the assembled press pool, Mulvaney said, “This is the only policy that makes financial sense.  Clearly this sort of thing is going to continue to happen as long as these, so called, fourth estate types continue to ask for logical explanations of illogical stances and reasoned defenses of indefensible policies.  And if we do provide such expensive care, after each, richly deserved, ass beating, there is absolutely nothing to stop the offenders from coming back and asking inconvenient questions again.  Our only choice in the matter is whether to pay or whether not to pay.  We have now made that choice.”

The President came out strongly in support of this measure, tweeting,
“#Openseason on the press!  Give em a Gianforte welcome! Press are #enemiesofpeople.  Except those we like.  Looking at you #foxandfriends”  He followed this with a second, more puzzling, tweet.  “When is #Oreillyfactor coming back?  That’s a long vacation.  Great guy, Bill.  Knows how to treat the press and the ladies.”

Despite a thorough search of all the surrounding shrubbery, members of the press corps were unable to locate press secretary Sean Spicer for comment.  A source close to the administration told us that Mr. Spicer is in hiding, under the, clearly mistaken, assumption that anyone at all would mistake him for a responsible member of the press.

Mulvaney then stated that the funding cutbacks would not be limited to medical coverage.  Severe cutbacks to other portions of the social safety net would also be necessary to deal with the looming financial and electoral crisis.

“We can’t just waste expensive police resources on responding to every snowflake reporter who gets his clock cleaned while pursuing some obnoxious first amendment fantasy.  We are, of course, hopeful that these incidents happen more frequently, as these bottom feeders try to hold Republican politicians to account for their support of the destructive and hateful policies that the President has championed.  Police involvement would be both wasteful and a waste of time, as we all know that the assaulters will be let off with a slap of the wrist.  With this in mind, the President will be issuing an order to all law enforcement agencies to instead focus their energies on their principle duties, such as keeping a certain element out of your communities, if you know what I mean.”  Mulvaney then winked at the horrified reporters.

Asked whether the injuries sustained by Ben Jacobs, the assaulted Guardian reporter, would still be covered, as they occurred prior to the amendment, Mulvaney replied, “Being a member of the press qualifies as a pre-existing condition.  At least until we can wipe them out of existence.”  He then punched the reporter in the face and left the room.

 

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White House: Bill of Rights is Past Due. Immediately Commencing Collections Activity.

In an effort to trim the Federal budget, the White House announced today that it will be suspending the Bill of rights until such time as that Bill is paid in full.

“According to our records, this bill was run up in 1791 and, since then, we cannot find documentation of a single payment having been made on it!” said Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget.  “Apparently, the President’s predecessor was comfortable with the budget impact of allowing this deadbeat behavior to continue but, at a time when this nation is swimming in debt, we cannot allow such luxuries to continue.  It is the President’s belief, and I share this belief that one must always pay their debts, unless you have a very good lawyer.  Therefore, we are, this day, placing this bill in collections.”

“This account will be immediately frozen,” Mulvaney continued, “and all further Bill of Rights related activity will be suspended unless expressly approved by the President or an authorized representative.  These injunctions will remain in place until we receive payment, in full, of the entire bill plus 216 years of accumulated interest and fees.  If such restitution is not made in a timely fashion we will have no option but to declare bankruptcy of the underlying principal and sell off all salvageable assets to the highest bidder.”

According to Mulvaney, the administration has already received some, quite lucrative, should the underlying components come on the market.  “The NRA has already made us a tidy offer on the second amendment, so that should settle that issue for all time.  We have competing offers, both from the e-commerce industry and the Russian Government, on fourth amendment privacy protections.”

The sixth and seventh amendments, which offer guarantees of trial by impartial jury and protect against double jeopardy, have been more difficult to market, Mulvaney reports, but he suggests they may be of interests to the producers of reality television.  The same can be said of the eighth, with its protection against cruel and unusual punishment.  “Sounds like good TV to me!” Mulvaney said.

The tenth amendment, dealing with State’s rights, is likely to become the exclusive property of the Republican party, except in those instances when they wish to forget about it entirely. The ninth amendment, which guarantees citizens rights not expressly spelled out in the constitution, will likely be discarded as outdated.

A similar fate will likely await the third amendment, which prohibits the government from housing soldiers in the houses of private citizens.  “Who needs that?”  Mulvaney said.  “Our soldiers are going to be very busy elsewhere.”

As for the fifth amendment and its famous protection against self incrimination, Mulvaney says, “My understanding is that the President and his staff may be deeply interested in purchasing that particular protection.”

And of the first amendment, protecting freedom of both religion and speech, a right considered by many to be fundamental to their understanding of American Democracy, Mulvaney was particularly dismissive.  “Maybe the fake news media might want a piece of it but from, our perspective, we can’t see much use for it.”

Perhaps this new fiscal reality was best summed up by the President himself, who weighed in on the issue via Twitter.  “Some people don’t understand that nothing is free in this country.  Certainly not speech.”

 

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Federal Smoke and Mirrors Budget Doubled

The recent Federal budget, proposed by President Donald J. Trump, contains a provision that would, by 2018, double the existing allocation for Smoke and Mirrors.  This represents the largest single increase in this federal program since the second year of the George W. Bush administration.

Since first enacted in 1968, the Smoke and Mirrors program has been one of the four pillars of the Federal budget.  Along with Defense, Social Security and Medicare, the highly successful program represents the lion’s share of all Federal tax dollars spent annually and is, some would argue, the guiding principal behind most functions of our government.  With this in mind, perhaps,  the President’s budget would make steep cuts to the Medicare program and reassign much of these savings to the expansion of the Smoke and Mirrors program.

Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget, recently explained these decisions.  “We can no longer afford to spend money on programs that do not yield results.  Despite the outrageous amounts of money spent on Medicare, people continue to get sick. This, I think, by any metric you care to measure constitutes a failed program.  Smoke and Mirrors, conversely, has been, and continues to be, a tremendous success. You need look no further than the results of the last election to see this.”

The President’s budget plan has received much criticism for its draconian cuts to social programs, such as Meals on Wheels, but this major increase has gone largely unremarked on by the media. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal said  “Of course we noticed the increase. It’s the largest single increase of any federal program…excuse me a second.” He said, investigating a buzzing alert on his phone.  “Look,” he said, “the President just tweeted something about SnoopDogg!”

Asked for comment on the increase, press secretary Sean Spicer said “This represents nothing more than the President doing exactly what the American People hired him to do, and it is what he does better than anyone else.  And furthermore,” he added, as he edged away from the podium, “were you aware that former President Obama personally tapped the phones at Trump tower?”

As of this writing, it is unclear whether this provision of the President’s budget will be made law.  It is important to note, however, that I just found out about this site where you can make a kitten punch the president.  Apparently Trump threatened to sue…wait, where was I?

 

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