Recently ousted Fox News star Bill O’Reilly was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital this morning, due to “injuries and general disorientation” caused by his, too hasty, departure from the “No Spin Zone.”
“For the last 21 years Mr. O’Reilly has occupied a unique position at the center of a no spin zone.” Said Marc Kasowitz, O’Reilly’s attorney. “He was, literally, the only stable point in a world spinning out of control. Those of us outside the zone cannot fully comprehend the velocity at which the spin was taking place as we are inherently part of that corrupt system. When Mr. O’Reilly was forced, due to, completely unfounded, allegations of sexual misconduct, backed by no evidence other than a $15 million settlement to discourage further investigation and disclosure, to leave his current employment at Fox, it was his understanding that he would be able to take the zone with him. However, owing to certain, disputed, contractual obligations, he was forced to leave the no spin zone behind. The resulting entry back into the zone of spin was somewhat jarring and resulted in this, temporary, hospitalization.”
Observers of Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden exit, describe a shocking scene as he was ejected from the premises and out into the street in front of Fox News Headquarters. “He came flying through the air and landed on his…well… on his backside, right in the middle of the Avenue of the Americas! It was fast!” Another spectator put it more bluntly. “It looked like somebody threw him out on his ass.”
This explosive egress, though, no doubt, spectacular to see, is easily explained, scientifically. “It’s centrifugal force. Simple as that.” Said Richard Feynstein, a physicist at Cornell University. “Any object that is suddenly thrust into a rotational system is going to get thrown. Look, it’s largely a matter of perspective, relativisticaly speaking. From Mr. O’Reilly’s perspective, at the fixed center of the system, it would appear as if the world was revolving around him. To those us outside his bubble, as any fan of science could tell you, he would appear to be spinning wildly in the opposite direction.” He paused a moment to summon a more accessible image. “From above, this system would look something like a full sink or, perhaps a toilet bowl. The drain is a fixed point but the rotational system is easily visible as the water swirls down the drain. Sort of like Mr. O’Reilly’s career now that I think about it.” He paused for a chuckle. “Sorry, a little physics humor there. The point is that Mr. O’Reilly’s sudden change of state, from employed to unemployed, was bound to cause some disruption, the full extent of which will take some time to measure.”
According to a source at the hospital, Mr. O’Reilly’s condition is stable and he is merely being treated for scrapes and bruises acquired during his expeditious expulsion as well as a persistent case of Vertigo caused by his sudden change in career trajectory. But they were quick to point out that his situation could very easily have been worse. “Mr. O’Reilly was forced out the exit so quickly that the doorknob had no chance to hit him on the way out, which would have, no doubt, exacerbated his injuries.”
Initial reports indicated that Mr. O’Reilly would be released today but, sources now tell us that the pugnacious pundit has suffered further injuries while in the hospital. Apparently, Mr. O’Reilly was attempting to grope one of his nurses when, owing to his severe disorientation, he inadvertently found himself fondling the genitals of a local biker, present as part of the ‘Chrome and Crayons’ run for sick children. Details of what happened next are sketchy but, according to one source: “Let’s just say this. He won’t be sitting easily, at an anchor desk, or anywhere else, for the foreseeable future.”
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