Posted on

The Canadian Threat: In the Hot Zone

EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s been a while since Guy From CNY correspondent M.J. Frost has contributed to this web site. That’s because over the past several weeks, he has been risking his personal safety by entrenching in the front lines of America’s national security threat, reporting from a town located on the US-Canada border.

Niagara Falls, New York seems just the same as any other border town, here in the Rust Belt portion of the United States. Heavy industry that once made this city thrive is long gone, waning along with the causes that made them necessary, including World War II and the Cold War.

It’s a tourist and shopping town now. And that’s what makes this town such a dangerous place. You see, lurking in the parking lots, in the malls, in the restaurants and convenience stores are the hidden and imminent danger to this town, and the entire nation.

You can see the signs everywhere. Their cars display the telltale license plates, mostly white with blue letters and numbers but occasionally some in other colors. When encountering one of its occupants, you notice your blood pressure rising, heartbeat increasing and your fears escalate when you hear their first words…

“Oh, sorry, excuse me!”

On the surface, they’re known as “Canadian shoppers.” At least, that’s how they like to portray themselves. But the locals know what they really are. They’re not Canadian shoppers. They’re sleeper terrorist cells.

President Donald Trump, in a recent conversation with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, courageously reminded the latter of the national security threat they pose to the United States, hence the need for punishing tariffs against Canada.

They did, after all, burn down the White House in the War of 1812. Thus, they are a legitimate national security concern to the current administration.

The official Canadian position, one of denial, insists it was the British who carried out the act. But Canadians are a creative and wiley bunch. Before there was a National Hockey League (formed in 1917), there was the Stanley Cup (introduced in 1893). And they have long claimed to be the Second City, even though there already is one. Clearly, retconning (or retCanning as critics have begun to call it) history is just another annoyingly efficient Canadian governmental policy.

In a Twitter rant, posted shortly before his arrival at the G7 summit in Quebec, the President accused Canadians of taunting us over the painful historical incident in their “nasty 1812 Overture.  Disgraceful!”

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the rant, saying the references to “La Marseillaise” in the classical piece indicate the invasion force was based in Quebec.

When reminded that the piece was composed by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to celebrate his Russian homeland’s successful defense against Napoleon Bonaparte’s invading force that same year, Sanders began to stare at a fixed point in the distance and then chanted “No collusion” for 25 minutes until the press left the room.

Members of the President’s cabinet were quick to jump on the bandwagon of Canuck shaming.  EPA head Scott Pruitt criticized Canadians for their “unhealthy obsession” with a clean environment and such boondoggles as providing healthcare for all citizens.  And Education Secretary Betsy DeVos reminded us all that “Canada has long been a blight on whatever continent this is we share.”

Perhaps most damning of all are the President’s latest twitter revelations.  “They used to advertise themselves as “The World Next Door.  This means they are ALIENS.  Like, really!  Captain Kirk, American Icon, was really an alien! And then they sent Hayden Christensen specifically to ruin OUR Star Wars!”

The President is reportedly entertaining a travel ban for Canadian citizens and, sources say, has begun to draft orders instructing ICE to deport prominent Canadian “invaders.” Leaked reports suggest that the first to go will be Ryan Gosling, Celine Dion and Justin Bieber.  To date there has been no public outcry about this plan.

White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, say Trump is especially preoccupied with one of the more famous actresses to come from Canada, Pamela Anderson. The sources suggest Trump considers her especially threatening because, to him, she resembles Stormy Daniels “just a little too much.”

Back in Niagara Falls, Americans quietly share their frustration over the Canadian invasion. They’re fed up with the traffic, the colorful money and the sinister tendency to fill up perfectly good Sabres home games with Maple Leafs fans.

“They’re always so damn polite,” said one source close to investigation.  “I don’t trust anybody who is too polite.  That’s why I love our President!”  He then slammed back a Molson, belched loudly and said, “I say build a wall, make them pay for it and charge them a tariff on the steel they use to build it.”

“They’re not going to take away my American identity,” he went on to say, as he took another bite of poutine. His rant was quickly halted, however, when he heard the music coming from the jukebox. “Shut up everyone!  This is Rush!  Show some respect!”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

Posted on

Trump Orders Investigation Into Russian Hacking of “Star Wars” Reviews

In reaction to what he called “total suckage,” President Donald J. Trump, after exiting a private screening of the latest “Star Wars” film,  immediately ordered a full scale investigation into the possibility of Russian Hackers artificially manipulating the film’s Rotten Tomatoes rating.

“Take Mueller off that other thing and put him on something important instead,” Trump reportedly told one of his advisors, before turning to an attendant and angrily demanding a free refill of his large popcorn bucket because he “the credits are still going so the movie isn’t over yet.”

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, is the most recent installment in the intergalactic saga, which now spans several generations.  It currently enjoys a 92% “fresh” rating on the popular Rotten Tomatoes review aggregation site.  It is with this number that the President has taken particular issue.

“It’s a stinker and everybody needs to know that,” the President tweeted, shortly after the screening.  A terrible, terrible film.  STAY AWAY!”  In subsequent tweets he continued his tirade.  ‘Wanted action, wanted adventure.  Instead got chicks giving orders.  And they weren’t even wearing lingerie.  Game of thrones is much better.  We’re supposed to believe people like this?  I smell a womp rat!”

“Is this what people want?  Illegals sneaking onto the shores of a casino planet and messing up the lives of important men just trying to celebrate their tax cut revenues?  I don’t think so!”  He continued. “Star Wars is the greatest tragedy ever written.  An emperor overthrown by terrorists and betrayed by his closest associates.  Makes you think.  Now it is just liberal garbage. #donttrustthetomatoes”

Later in the day, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made a statement regarding the investigation.  “The information on Rotten Tomatoes is sacred.  Without their untampered filter, how would we know if we will be as delighted by Pitch Perfect 3 as we were by the previous two, if Justice League can live up to the excitement generated by Batman v. Superman,  or if we will find the latest Transformers movie is a worthy successor to the five that came before?  But now this bastion of democracy is under assault.  Russia, along with Nancy Pelosi, would have us believe that this latest travesty, a tale in which the First Order, who are only protecting their sovereignty in a chaotic galaxy are somehow cast as villains, is a film worth seeing?  The President disagrees and he knows that the majority of the country, with the exception of the millions who voted illegally, agree with him.”

“Therefore,” Sanders continued, “the President has given orders this day that Robert Mueller refocus his investigative activities on this egregious assault on our national identity.  He has instructed the FBI to immediately allocate all resources not directly linked to the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, to address this Russian collusion with our enemies in the press.  I think we can all agree that he has no choice.” Sanders then exited the room to the strains of the Imperial March playing over the PA system.

Later asked if he was aware that Rotten Tomatoes is a review aggregation site and that any hacking or misinformation would actually have to occur simultaneously with all contributors, top presidential advisor Jared Kushner had this to say: “The Russians are very, very good at this stuff.  Trust us, we know.”

According to sources within the administration IT team, the current plan for protecting information on the Rotten Tomato servers involves routing all traffic through a new firewall created by the linking together of all the electronic voting machines in the US.  “To get at this stuff now,” said an analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, “those Russkies are literally going to have to hack each and every voting machine in the country.  Try it, I dare you!”

Other plans involve shutting down the site until after the release of the next Michael Moore documentary.

Even with these extraordinary precautions underway, the President still appears to be fuming over the imaginary support for this latest box office smash.  “Can anyone take this seriously?,” he tweeted, “I mean look at this General Hux.  What kind of idiot would put an incompetent thin skinned buffoon like him in total charge of the greatest military the galaxy has ever known. #epicfail!”

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

Posted on

Trump Hires Special Counsel to Investigate Special Counsel

In a surprising response to the Justice Department’s decision to appoint special counsel to oversee the, ever expanding, Russia investigation, President Donald J. Trump has announced the hiring of a “Special, special Counsel” to oversee the overseeing of the investigation.

“What’s so special about his counselling?” Trump tweeted, in reference to the appointment of Robert Mueller who had, from 2001 to 2013 , served as the Director of the FBI.  “I’ve got counsellors way more special than him.  The specialest!  And I’m gonna use them!”

Trump then went on to detail, in 140 character bursts, his creation of the “Office of Special Counsel to the Office of Special Counsel.” from which his, hand picked, investigator will investigate the investigation.

The investigator will, according to the President, follow Mueller at every stage of the investigation, being vigilant for any signs of “special investigative misconduct.”  This will be accomplished by means of tailing Mueller to all of his appointments and interviews and listening in on conversations, possibly by means of holding a glass against the door and putting their ear to it.  “Smart stuff, like on TV,” the President tweeted.

“The Special special counsellor will stay close to Mr. Mueller, following him following every lead, examining every examination of evidence, witnessing every witness, and re-documenting every document” said press secretary Sean Spicer, at an impromptu press conference.  “The important thing, from the President’s perspective, is that the Mr. Mueller understands that we are watching everything he does.”

Asked if this special special attention could be regarded as a, not so subtle threat to the independent investigator, Spicer said.  “Of course not!  I’m disappointed that you, in the fake media, would try to frame it that way.  All we are doing is here is providing additional support to this, important investigation and making sure that nothing is overlooked.  The President, and every member of his cabinet, wish only for this investigation to run smoothly and conclude swiftly.  We want to assist that effort in every way-”

Spicer paused at this point, as every phone in the room chirped an alert.  Glancing down at his own phone, Spicer sighed heavily and continued. “Or…to put it in the Presidents own word, which he just tweeted now, ‘Mr. Mueller better hope there are no recordings of him listening to any recordings of my conversations with Comey before he starts leaking!’ ”

“Well, there you have it.”  said Spicer, struggling for words.  “The President is clearly expressing his uh..hope.. that the investigation will go smoothly.”  Spicer then slipped behind a large fern and refused to answer any more questions.

The President has not yet named the special special counsel, but he has floated a few possible names.  “It’s gotta be somebody everyone likes and trust,” he tweeted, “Like Rudy Giuliani, or Chris Christie.”

In a television appearance on MSNBC, presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway was asked if the President’s interference with the independent investigation might constitute clear obstruction of justice.  “That is nonsense,” she replied, “It is exactly the opposite.  It’s obstruction of obstruction of justice.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

Posted on

Trump Gave Russians American Secret Recipes

By M.J. Frost

(Editor’s Note:  I’m pleased to feature an article by new GuyFromCNY contributor M.J. Frost.  May this be the first of many  – The Guy)

President Donald J. Trump may have leaked additional, highly classified materials to Russian officials, a senior source revealed to GuyFromCNY.com on the condition of anonymity.

“You can rest assured that many of the things that Americans have long embraced as uniquely ours are now firmly in Russian hands, where they will be used against us at the earliest opportunity,” said the source who, for purposes of protection, will be referred to only as “James Comey” in this story.

Trump immediately went to Twitter to defend his actions saying. “It’s my right to share secrets if I feel it necessary. I’m a sharer.  The crooked Democrats are withholders. It’s why they lost the electoral college.  Losers!”

He followed with “We need good relations with our allies.  Like Coke, I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. So do the Russians.  They just need Coca Cola’s formula to do it. Done!”

Among the other military secrets revealed, GuyFromCNY has learned, is Colonel Harland Sanders’ secret recipe.  Officials now in charge of his secret organization, code named “KFC,” ordered every outpost on lockdown upon learning of the breach.

The Colonel’s formula is one of the closest guarded secrets in American intelligence and could have devastating cultural and financial effects with the information in the hands of a competing power like former Russian agent Bluto, who is now believed to be in league with Sanders’ arch nemesis Popeye.

To his credit, the President does seem aware of Sanders’ important contributions.  “The Colonel has been doing some great things.  A lot of people are starting to notice,” Trump said, apparently unaware that Sanders has been dead since 1980.  “I also think he would have been a much tougher opponent than crooked Hillary.  Too bad the DNC torpedoed his chances.  Bad Move!”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer could not be reached for comment.  We are informed that he is feeling bushed.

“James Comey” suggested to GuyFromCNY that Trump and the Russians may also have shared detailed information regarding the special sauce featured in the McDonald’s Big Mac.

“The Russians gave that to us, actually.” said White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, who filled in for Spicer.  “It’s Russian dressing, essentially.”

Conway’s remarks were quickly challenged by several broadcast news outlets, who pointed out that the “secret sauce,” which was publicly revealed by a McDonalds executive in 2012, is a mixture of mayonnaise, relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, garlic powder and white wine vinegar. “Russian dressing,” by comparison, is a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup and, reporters reminded Conway, was actually invented by American James Colburn in Nashua, New Hampshire, in 1910.

“Fake News!” shot back President Trump, in a subsequent Twitter tantrum.  “The failing New York times CNN would have you believe that Russian dressing was invented in America.  I guess Taco bell isn’t Mexican either?”

It was previously reported that Trump may also have leaked the New York Jets’ secret playbook for the 2017 season to his Russian guests.  White House officials have sharply denied that allegation, suggesting that the source of that leak was an unnamed member of the New England Patriots’ front office.

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

Posted on

White House: We’re Too Incompetent For Collusion

In the wake of the latest reports of illegal activity by former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the Trump administration was forced to go on the offensive today in their attempt to combat rumors of collusion with Russia to affect the outcome of the 2016 Presidential election.  Their latest approach is a bold attempt to cast doubt on the narrative by highlighting their own ineptitude and inaction.

“I did nothing with Russia.”  The President tweeted, in his daily attack on the news media,  “but #fakenews won’t leave  it alone.  Why?  Why not focus on other things I haven’t done.  Like anything!”

“This is so typical of the dishonest news media” said press secretary, Sean Spicer.  “You take one, tiny, story confirming that our, hand picked, former National Security advisor was criminally employed as an agent of a foreign government while advising our campaign and treat it as if it is some kind of scandal rather than an example of the lack of planning and poor decision making that are standard operating procedure for our Administration.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Just because” Spicer continued, “the house oversight committee came to a, vanishingly rare, bipartisan agreement on the fact that this man, who was the President’s hand-picked choice to head our national security apparatus, committed a criminal offense and likely faces jail time for failing to disclose his financial relationship with a foreign lobbying agency with deep ties to the Russian government, you in the fake new community automatically treat it like some diabolical plan?  I think not.  It is far more likely that this, incredibly incriminating turn of events is merely the product of a President with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder meeting far too briefly with a vetting committee apparently unfamiliar with the existence of google.”

Spicer then began to lecture the assembled reporters.  “In your endless search for ratings…and let me just pause here to tell that the President wishes me to remind you that his ratings are the best, the greatest ever…you focus on these unproven allegations of our coordinated attempts to thwart the will of the people, yet you fail to address the core question of our competency to do these things.  Frankly, and I think I can say this with some certainty, you give us way too much credit.  Just look at our record, these last hundred days.  Despite three months of complete, one party control, we have been unable to pass a single piece of legislation.  We have utterly and embarrassingly failed to repeal Obamacare despite that being the sole unifying principal of Republican politics for the last seven years.  We have completely reversed ourselves on the use of executive orders, our relationship with China, payment for the border wall and NATO!    Despite, his reputation as a tough negotiator, the President has not won a single concession from his own party!  The leader of the free world issues decrees in 140 characters or less and we have to communicate with the President by going on cable TV!  Yet you think that we masterminded the single most audacious, complex and successful conspiracy in the history of the Republic?  Really?  We apparently don’t even know which direction North Korea is in!”

When a press pool reporter pointed out that it was the Russians who were the alleged masterminds and that administration officials could simply have followed their instructions, Spicer silently indicated the, newly posted, “Sit down and shut up” signs on the press room walls.  “Am, I not being clear?” he said, “My point is, you are doing a disservice to the American people with your polarizing attempts to delegitimize this President by endlessly repeating these tired old allegations of high treason by the leader of the free world.  It only distracts us and slows us in our, thus far largely successful, efforts to delegitimize ourselves.  All this conspiracy talk, is just talk.  I’ve worked here for months now and I can tell you for certain that we are just not up to the task folks.”

Shortly after the press conference, senior Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway made an appearance on Fox News to clarify the Administration position.  “I think what Sean was trying to say was not that we are not up to the task because we are totally up to the task , but rather, and I think our record thus far proves this point, that we just wouldn’t be any good at the task.”  Glancing at a monitor, she adjusted her positon to better display her, tastefully designed, “IvankaTrump.com” T-Shirt.  “I mean, let’s face it, I can’t even manage to make a TV appearance without violating Federal Ethics laws. How could I possibly mastermind the theft of an election?”

Asked if using incompetence as a defense was really the best approach for this embattled White House, Conway only smiled.  “Incompetence, is not necessarily a disqualifying factor for employment.  Just look at CNN.  Even after their coverage of the Presidential campaign, everyone there still has a job.  And look at all the pollsters.  Compared to their results, our performance doesn’t look so bad now does it?”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

Or check out my Facebook Page

 

Posted on

Nunes to Investigate Presidential Approval Rating Fraud

Former Trump campaign advisor and, rigorously impartial, chair of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes, today announced a significant new track for the committee’s investigation into foreign interference in the U.S. political system.  Effective immediately the committee’s focus will shift to the possibility of Russian interference with the approval ratings of President Donald J. Trump.

This information was presented at a, hastily convened, press conference in a congressional stairwell.  “I have just been shown, by confidential sources inside the White House…and this has been corroborated by reputable contacts on Twitter…, evidence of a widespread campaign, by Russian intelligence agencies, to artificially depress the approval rating of our Commander in Chief, Donald J. Trump, in an attempt to delegitimize our most cherished Government institutions, and lessen our standing on the world stage.”

Asked to comment on the nature of the information, Nunes said.  “I cannot comment specifically, but I can say this.  In terms of these accusations, I think the Presidents, so called, approval numbers are evidence in themselves.”  In the most recent poll, the President’s approval rating stood at 38%, slightly up from a low of 35%. “These number defy credulity.  After having won the biggest electoral victory in history and having welcomed the largest inaugural audience of all time, we are now expected to believe that our President is less popular than traffic jams, root canals and hipsters?  I don’t think anyone can rationally believe that.”

When reminded that his claims about crowd size and electoral math were both provably false, Nunes responded, “I cannot comment further as these “facts” you are asserting are the subject of another, possibly related, investigation.”  Asked to clarify this, he stated, “Russian disinformation is a powerful thing.  Trust me, I know.  We will investigate any and all evidence suggesting collusion between government of Russia and members of the Democratic leadership and their efforts to destabilize our government by making our President appear to be ineffectual and disliked.”

When pressed to disclose what evidence he had seen to support these claims, Nunes said, “Let’s just say I’ve been hearing thing.  Big things.”  Hearing a noise in the stairwell, Nunes nervously looked over his shoulder and then continued, “Let me just say that I think the voting public will be surprised at what this committee, under my steady leadership, will turn up on this matter.  I want to assure the American People that this committee will not rest until it has come to a conclusion I am satisfied with.”

Asked about claims, raised by some Democrats, that the President is using unsubstantiated accusations such as these to distract attention from the ongoing investigation into his campaign team’s possible ties to Russia,  Nunes responded, “All such claims are being referred to the Secret Service for investigation, as should be all such attempts at character assassination.”

Facing a barrage of questions, Nunes then pushed past the assembled reporters saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell the White House what the White House just told me.”

Asked for comment on these explosive allegations, press secretary Sean Spicer said, “It is White House policy never to comment on an ongoing investigation.  So all that I am able to say at this time is that it is all true and that the American people should be very upset that the Democrats would put our nation at risk by colluding with a sworn enemy to further their own political ambitions.”  As he sprinted for the door, Spicer then said, “And did I mention that Obama tapped the President’s phones?”

Reached for comment, Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence committee, said that he had been, thus far, unable to locate Nunes to discuss the evidence.  “We just don’t know where he is these days.  It’s almost like he’s hiding from us.”  Asked to comment on Russian involvement in President Trump’s historically low approval ratings, Schiff said.  “Oh, I think we can be pretty sure Russia had something to do with that.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

 

Posted on

Trump to Nunes: “Intelligence is Overrated”

In a closed door meeting with Rep. Devin Nunes and several other assistants, sources confirm that President Donald J. Trump vented his frustrations with the intelligence community and their ongoing probe into possible Russian collusion with his election campaign.

“These intelligence people think they know everything.”  the President stated, “Well they don’t!  Intelligence is overrated!”

Nunes, the chair of the House Intelligence Committee and, as previously reported, a fair and impartial arbiter of the facts, appears to have taken the President’s words to heart. Immediately after the meeting, Nunes called a halt to all further investigations and advised the committee that, until further notice, no decisions will be made based on intelligence.  He then gave a, hastily assembled, press conference announcing his plans to re-brand his task force as the “House Surety Committee.”

“I think you will agree” Nunes said, “that this name change now more accurately reflects the direction this committee will be taking, under my guidance.  The President assured me today,” he continued, revealing further details of his private conversation, “that it has always been his policy never to overestimate American Intelligence.  I think truer words have never been spoken.”

Emboldened by positive response on Capitol Hill, the President decided to go public with his pronouncement. “Intelligence is overrated!” he tweeted, “These people see things but Just. Don’t. Get. It.”

His words were immediately embraced by his supporters. Republicans in congress, who have long railed against the obtrusiveness of intelligence into peoples lives, celebrated the message.  Fox News immediately redoubled their efforts in their, long running and extremely successful, “War On Intelligence” campaign.  The Trump campaign immediately began issuing products bearing the 2020 campaign slogan:

Others were not so pleased at the President’s pronouncement.  Senator Bernie Sanders, of Vermont said, “I believe that those possessing intelligence should be treated more seriously in this country. Certainly more so than they were during the last campaign.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, reached for comment shortly after the President’s “Intelligence is overrated!” tweet, seemed somewhat despondent.  “While I, as always, agree with the President, I now face the difficult task of finding a replacement slogan for the Department of Education.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

Posted on

Trump To Intel Committee: Investigate Family From “The Americans”

Frustrated by continued scrutiny of his campaign’s dealings with Russia, and unable to divert investigators attention to alleged Clinton scandals, President Donald J. Trump focused today on a far more insidious threat.  He directed the attention of the House Intelligence Committee to the “very real” Russian ties of Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, the protagonists of the FX series “The Americans.”

“Why isn’t the committee investigating the Jennings?  Phillip and Elizabeth have very real ties to Russia!  Trump Russia story a hoax!” the President tweeted this morning. In a follow up tweet, he said “Every week, I learn something new about their organization, yet NOTHING DONE!  Committee instead chases Trump fiction!”

The Americans is a television series, set 30 years in the past, about Russian sleeper agents, living in suburban Washington, D.C.  Neither the fictional nature of the series, nor the distance in time has deterred top government officials from responding to the President’s call for action. Attorney General Jeff Sessions immediately dispatched a cadre of FBI agents to DuPont circle to examine each and every record from the Jennings’ imaginary travel agency. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, immediately proposed legislation cutting funds to both Medicaid and Welfare programs “until such time as all undocumented workers can be vetted to determine what ties, if any, they have with the, now defunct, U.S.S.R.”

Approached for comment on these latest allegations, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, said “Well, It’s at least as credible as any other story he has given us.”

Devin Nunes, chair of the Intelligence Committee, said that he found these revelations to be “the most troubling I have yet heard.”  He then vowed to throw all committee resources into the Jennings investigation as well as a parallel Russia probe, the top secret details of which he was just made aware of, known only by the code name “Moose and Squirrel.”

 

Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter

Posted on

Trump: “No Evidence That Russia Exists”

The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on  FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.

“Comey lied, and I can prove it!”  The President tweeted.  “No evidence that Russia exists.  It’s just not there.  No such place. Fake news!”  He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’  made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss.   Supposed to win but lost!  Sad!”

When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear.  The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”

When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated.  “All I can tell you is this.  The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be.  The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland.  It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”

Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall.  It notably, does not feature Russia.

In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.”  “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there.  I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so?  I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014  Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.

President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by.  Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims.  “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”