In a misguided effort to prevent his former subordinate’s, possibly explosive, upcoming Senate testimony, President Donald J. Trump has blocked former FBI director James Comey on Facebook, Twitter and all of the President’s subscribed social media platforms.
“Blocked! Your move, Comey!” Trump tweeted, early this morning. “Wait, what did you say? I can’t hear you. Cause you’re BLOCKED! Now no one is listening. #toobadsosad” He followed this a few minutes later with “Always blah blah blah, Russia, blah blah blah obstruction, blah blah blah indictments. #NoOneCares BLOCKED!”
“This is an great and welcome move by the President,” said Presidential advisor Stephen Miller. “The President has every right to control the type of information he consumes. And it is the absolute duty of every American not to tell the President things he doesn’t want to hear. When certain rogue elements persist in trying to deliver information, this is what they can expect to get.” He then bit off the head of a live squirrel and stormed away.
Response to this decision has been almost universally praised on the Republican side of the aisle. “This is a brave and innovative approach to avoiding criticism and dissent,” said Rep. John Katko of NY’s 24th congressional district. “I have instructed my staff to immediately replicate this courageous action by blocking all followers on Facebook and Twitter as well as cancelling all future town halls for the balance of Mr. Trump’s time in office.”
“What this is really about is the free exchange of ideas,” said press secretary Sean Spicer, “the president is against it. Specifically, he is against Mr. Comey freely exchanging ideas or his so called ‘facts’ with anyone, including the Senate or the FBI.”
Asked whether the President was aware that blocking Comey on social media would not affect anyone else in their ability to hear what the former FBI Director had to say, Spicer quickly looked back over his shoulder and said, “Shhhh! Don’t tell him that. He doesn’t need to know that!” He then looked out at the assembled media. “Wait, I’m not on TV am I? I specifically said I don’t want to be on TV!”
Spicer then mimed getting on an elevator and slowly descended behind the podium. As of this writing, some four hours later, he has not re-emerged.
What remains unclear is why the President took the action of blocking Comey, rather than unfriending him, which would seem the more decisive action. “He just likes the sound of ‘blocking’ better,” said top advisor Stephen K. Bannon. “Besides, as this Russia business has heated up, the President’s list of friends is getting pretty thin.”
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