Leaked documents, made utilizing the latest NSA technology, have revealed the details of President Donald J. Trump’s conversations with his most trusted advisers. The documents detail, over a period of several weeks, discussions that have taken place exclusively in the head of the 45th President.
“It’s amazing to see how engaged the President is in these conversations,” said an analyst familiar with the contents of the documents, which were sent to several news outlets, including GuyFromCNY, “I mean, there is this narrative out there that, due to his age, the President might be having difficulties with focus and adapting to changing circumstances. My analysis of these transcripts soundly refutes that assertion. In fact I can state that, in terms of creating pure fantasy, the President has all the mental dexterity of an 8 year old.”
The transcripts detail an effusively congratulatory call from Michael Surbaugh, President of the Boy Scouts of America, praising the President’s speech before that organization’s National gathering, as well as a phone call from the President of Mexico, complimenting Trump on his immigration policies.
“I think this proves, once an for all, that those conversations happened exactly as the President related them, just not in the specific sense of reality as the rest of us understand it,” said an anonymous source, speaking from behind a shrubbery. “Thank God, by the way, that I will no longer have to answer questions like these. Well, Sanders, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”
Also present in the transcripts are a series of conversations with a person that Trump refers both as “Steve” and as “Master.” Experts are, at this time, trying to use contextual clues to identify this person from conversational fragments such as:
Trump: So Steve, uh…Mooch says you are always trying to…you know…um, suck your own…you know… So…uh..how do you do that?
Steve: It helps not to have tiny hands. Now tell them to build the damn wall.
As of this writing, however, this mysterious Steve remains unknown.
Other surprising discoveries contained in the transcript include the musical soundtrack which appears to accompany all of the President’s deliberations. The Coasters’ 1959 hit “Charlie Brown”, with its memorable refrain “Why’s everbody always pickin’ on me” appears to be playing, on a loop, with Randy Newman’s “Short People.” Asked about this odd combination of musical influences, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller said, “I’m not going to talk about that. Wait, that actually helps.” He then scribbled out a few lines in a notebook saying, “What do you think about this? ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your English speaking engineers yearning to be free. As long as they are not brown or short or otherwise objectionable.’ Perfect, right? You better say it is perfect!”
Over the last two weeks the President has, in his mind, signed major legislation repealing and replacing Obamacare, hand built a border wall with Mexico, utterly eliminated Isis, scored an approval rating north of 40% and, most unlikely of all, finally earned the approval of his father. He also went for several exhilarating rides on a red white and blue unicorn named Maga.
One thing is notably absent from these transcripts, however. Nowhere in this vast trove of information is any indication of meetings with Russian agents or officials. Asked to explain this surprising discrepancy, one administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “The meetings in the transcripts are all imaginary. The Russian ties are very, very real.”
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