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Trump Launches Afghan Troop Surge to Protect U.S. Blanket Manufacturers

At a press conference held this morning, President Donald J. Trump clarified the motivations for his planned troop increase in Afghanistan.  Contrary to his previous assertions casting the escalation as a necessary part of the War on Terror, Trump has now revealed that the action is intended to protect American trade, specifically that of the, long suffering, coverlet industry.

“I kept looking at Afghanistan, I mean really looking and all I could see were these.”  He then produced, from behind the podium, a brightly colored afghan blanket.  “They are flooding the market with these, poorly made, cheap blankets and I mean cheap.  Not good.  So I said, we make blankets here.  We make the greatest blankets.  Really, spectacular, like the ones made by those..uh…,”  the President seemed to struggle for words, “…um…those weirdos with the outdated clothes and the beards and who don’t watch television…”

“Hipsters?” offered one reporter in the crowd.

“Maybe,” said the President, “the point is they make some pretty great quilts and they ought to be able to sell them without dealing with unfair competition from these cheap afghan manufacturers.  So we are going in there to see that these illegal blanket factories are shut down, once and for all, making room for hardworking American corporations to squeeze a little more money out of the system.  That is what I campaigned on, and that is what I am now going to do!”

Asked if he was aware that most blankets, in fact most textiles, were produced in foreign countries such as China, the President retorted, “Fake News!  In China they make China.  That’s why they named the country that!”

The President then unveiled a plan for a multi-tiered aggressive foreign policy approach to the defense of other American industries.  Plans, Trump said,  are currently underway for an invasion of Syria in order to “liberate the little people who live in our iPhones,” as well as preemptive Thanksgiving maneuvers in Turkey.

At this point, the President draped the Afghan over his shoulders and was led, gingerly, away from the podium by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

A reporter in the crowd then shouted out a request for comment on the ongoing Russia investigations.  The President turned back to the crowd and said.  “I’m looking into that, but let me just say that there are very fine people on both sides of the salad dressing debate.”

 

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Trump Changes His Mind About Changing His Mind

Ever since his, high profile, reversal in policy towards Syria, a shift that culminated in 59 Tomahawk missiles striking a Syrian airbase and creating a, much needed, bump in Cable News ratings, President Donald J. Trump has developed a new strategy for rehabilitating his young Presidency.  Trump, who was elected President, in no small part, because of his cast iron certainty, is now exploring a different approach entirely.

“I changed my mind, and they loved it!” The President said, in an exclusive interview.  “I can’t believe I never tried it before!  I mean, yeah, I changed my mind on wives a couple of times but never on anything that was important.  Then there was that time when I used to be a Democrat but, other than that, I can’t think of a time.  But now I’m thinking I need to do more of it.  A lot more!”

As enthusiastic as he is now, he admits to some trepidation as he took his first tentative steps towards complete policy reversal.  “I was remembering how, just a few years ago, I was tweeting at Obama about how stupid it would be to attack Syria and I said, ‘I can’t just change my mind on that.’  But then I remembered how I said he was gonna start a war in the Middle East just to fix his dismal approval ratings and I thought ‘Hey that was a good idea I had!'”

After coming to that revelation, he ordered the surgical missile strike, which immediately began making loud noises, bright lights and great television footage.  “It was awesome!” the President said. “And the numbers, they were huge!  Great ratings!  And have you seen my numbers?”  The President was referring to the latest CBS poll, which showed an uptick of 8 points from his previous low of 35%.  The President found nothing but good news in those numbers.  “Would you believe,” Trump said, “that now nearly 50 percent of the American People are not embarrassed to have me as their President!  And all I had to do was completely go back on everything I said!  Genius!”

The President, riding a new wave of success, immediately began initiating his total reversal protocol.  His opening move was forcing Stephen K. Bannon to step down from his elevated positon on the National Security Council.  Of this, Trump said, “I thought it was okay to put a completely unqualified guy at the highest level of our National Security Apparatus, but I changed my mind.  Replaced him with Rick Perry, just like that!”

On another key campaign promise, Trump is also changing his stance.  “I’m not gonna make Mexico pay for the wall anymore.  I’m gonna make the taxpayers do it, just like they are gonna pay for all my other boondoggles!”

There seems to be no end to the policy changes the, newly emboldened, President is willing to make.  “Remember how I said I was gonna make sure everybody had great health insurance, with cheap premiums and no pre-existing conditions exclusion?  Changed my mind!  Said I was gonna release my tax returns?  Changed my mind!  Said, I wasn’t gonna touch Social Security or Medicaid?  Well, sometimes you just gotta be flexible.”

Asked about changing some of his other policies, like dismantling the EPA in order to further enrich powerful fossil fuel interests or filling key cabinet positions with soulless corporate raiders, the President responded.  “That’s the beauty of this new policy.  I don’t have to change my mind every time.  The only thing I am certain of is that I should not be so certain.  You just watch me,” he said, “I’m gonna be the most unceartain President in History!”

Amongst, Trump’s most ardent supporters, however, the vote is still out in this new policy.  Officials in his re-elections campaign, which was launched on inauguration day, are enjoying an influx of cash due to the President’s improved numbers, but are quietly skeptical that the trend will continue.  One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told us.  “That’s the key word for his re-election prospects:  Uncertain.”

Trump, however, is not concerned with such minutia.  He has settled upon a new course and it is a course he is a course he intends to follow to its natural conclusion.  “Remember how I said I was gonna ‘Make America Great Again?’  I think I may just do the opposite.”

 

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