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Trump: “I Stared Into the Sun and the Sun Blinked”

President Donald J. Trump took to Twitter today to celebrate what his supporters describe as his superior fortitude and unmatched negotiating prowess, after staring down the sun during the eclipse on Monday.

“I stared into the sun and the sun blinked!”  Trump tweeted early this morning, “It just couldn’t look me in the eye.  So much for all this, so called, solar power! Sad!  #CoalRules #MAGA”

He went on to state that, after his easy defeat of the celestial orb, he felt a renewed vigor and enthusiasm for upcoming legislative battles.  “If the sun couldn’t face me, what are Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Moanin’ Mitch McConnell gonna do?  #CantStopWinning,” he tweeted, and followed it shortly with “Who’s your daddy, sun?  If you can’t stand the heat, stay outta my orbit! Winning, that’s my energy policy!”

A total eclipse is a rare celestial event caused by the Moon passing directly in between the Earth and Sun.  This darkening of the sun was visible to a large portion of North America for the first time in 99 years.  Asked if the President was aware of this event, long ago predicted with pinpoint accuracy by the scientific community, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said “The, so called, total eclipse was nothing more than a conspiracy by liberal scientists and the fake news media, designed to literally throw shade on this Administration.  Once again, the President has shown that his is more than equal to this challenge.  He stood up, unblinkingly, for the American people and proclaimed, once and for all, that this Administration will not be swayed by Science!”

During a Q and A session at a gathering of top fossil fuel industry executives, EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt was asked for comment on the controversy, which Fox News is already calling “Eclipse Gate.”

“It is patently absurd,” Pruitt said, “This, so called, Scientific consensus would have us believe that the Earth somehow revolves around the sun. when we all know that the Creator placed Donald J. Trump at the center of the universe and everything revolves around him.  This is the President’s firm belief and he will not have it any other way.  These eclipses come and go but I am here to tell you that, with the help of the products produced by my good friends in the industry, we can arrange to blot out the sun for the whole country, not just some lucky few states.  And the President’s environmental policies will do just that.”

On the strength of the President’s comments, stock prices for Solar Energy companies have plummeted, but what effect this will  have on other alternative energy offerings is unclear.  In the words of one investor, “I am now going to heavily invest in wind power, because this President is certainly full of hot air.”

 

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Leaked Transcripts Obtained of Voices in Donald Trump’s Head

Leaked documents, made utilizing the latest NSA technology, have revealed the details of President Donald J. Trump’s conversations with his most trusted advisers.  The documents detail, over a period of several weeks, discussions that have taken place exclusively in the head of the 45th President.

“It’s amazing to see how engaged the President is in these conversations,” said an analyst familiar with the contents of the documents, which were sent to several news outlets, including GuyFromCNY, “I mean, there is this narrative out there that, due to his age, the President might be having difficulties with focus and adapting to changing circumstances.  My analysis of these transcripts soundly refutes that assertion.  In fact I can state that, in terms of creating pure fantasy, the President has all the mental dexterity of an 8 year old.”

The transcripts detail an effusively congratulatory call from Michael Surbaugh, President of the Boy Scouts of America, praising the President’s speech before that organization’s National gathering, as well as a phone call from the President of Mexico, complimenting Trump on his immigration policies.

“I think this proves, once an for all, that those conversations happened exactly as the President related them, just not in the specific sense of reality as the rest of us understand it,” said an anonymous source, speaking from behind a shrubbery.  “Thank God, by the way, that I will no longer have to answer questions like these.  Well, Sanders, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

Also present in the transcripts are a series of conversations with a person that Trump refers both  as “Steve” and as  “Master.”  Experts are, at this time, trying to use contextual clues to identify this person from conversational fragments such as:

Trump: So Steve, uh…Mooch says you are always trying to…you know…um, suck your own…you know…  So…uh..how do you do that?

Steve: It helps not to have tiny hands.  Now tell them to build the damn wall.

As of this writing, however, this mysterious Steve remains unknown.

Other surprising discoveries contained in the transcript include the musical soundtrack which appears to accompany all of the President’s deliberations. The Coasters’ 1959 hit “Charlie Brown”, with its memorable refrain “Why’s everbody always pickin’ on me” appears to be playing, on a loop, with Randy Newman’s “Short People.” Asked about this odd combination of musical influences, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller said, “I’m not going to talk about that. Wait, that actually helps.”  He then scribbled out a few lines in a notebook saying, “What do you think about this?  ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your English speaking engineers yearning to be free.  As long as they are not brown or short or otherwise objectionable.’  Perfect, right?  You better say it is perfect!”

Over the last two weeks the President has, in his mind, signed major legislation repealing and replacing Obamacare, hand built a border wall with Mexico, utterly eliminated Isis, scored an approval rating north of 40% and, most unlikely of all, finally earned the approval of his father. He also went for several exhilarating rides on a red white and blue unicorn named Maga.

One thing is notably absent from these transcripts, however.  Nowhere in this vast trove of information is any indication of meetings with Russian agents or officials.  Asked to explain this surprising discrepancy, one administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “The meetings in the transcripts are all imaginary.  The Russian ties are very, very real.”

 

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Sean Spicer Officially Requests Return of Soul

Citing breach of contract, former press secretary Sean Spicer today filed paperwork requesting the return of his immortal soul from his dark overlords, sources say.

“Certain promises were made to me as conditions of taking the job,” Spicer wrote in a confidential affidavit, leaked to the press this afternoon.  “I was to be the center of the White House communications operation.  I was to have a prime slot on the television networks, a direct pipeline to the latest, most accurate, disinformation, complete control over messaging, and conveniently located shrubbery for hiding behind when things got difficult.  For these privileges, I agreed to give up my integrity, my reputation among my peers and, as is standard practice for this administration, my soul for all eternity.  I was, of course, happy to do this.”

“But absolutely crucial to this position,” the affidavit continued, “was my direct relationship with the President and his Satanic handlers.  I cherished every moment with that charming, unpredictable little petulant blowhard and expected our camaraderie to extend through the millennia as we burned in the unquenvhable flames of hell together. The President’s appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as my new boss, fundamentally changes that contractual relationship.  A man can, after all, only serve one unholy master, and to be asked to do more is outside the scope of my agreement.  It is with a heavy heart that I must, therefore, resign my position as press secretary.  I may not ever be able to regain my good standing in the journalistic community or indeed ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again, but I believe I can at least reclaim my soul and related properties due to this clear breach of contract.”

The affidavit, which was CC’d to both Satan and Steve Bannon at the same address, was attached to a standard IRF, or Infernal Release Form, prepared at the behest of Spicer’s new attorney, Daniel Webster, esq. If approved, Spicer’s Soul should be returned to him after 40 days.

There is some precedent for members of Republican administrations regaining there souls after leaving their positions, with Former Nixon aide John Dean being perhaps the most prominent, and most legal experts are confident that Spicer will be able to spare himself from eternal damnation.

“It’s not like these contracts are exactly hard to break,” said Ben Shuyster, an attorney with an impressive history of legal action against deities. “Granted there are a lot of top notch attorneys in hell, but they are mostly too distracted to do their best work.  This is only the prince of darkness we are dealing with.  It’s not like we’re trying to break a Trump prenup, or anything.”

If Spicer is successful in obtaining salvation, others in Washington will be lining up to try their hand at escaping their own eternal endlsvement.  Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is said already to have prepared his forms.  Shuyster, however, feels that Ryan faces a more uphill battle.

“I’m not sure Ryan has much of a case.  There is not much protection available when lack of a soul is a pre-existing condition.”
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Breaking News: In a Shocking Breach of Protocol, Republican Lawmakers Do No Evil Today

In a shocking departure from longstanding tradition, Senate and House Republicans have, as of this writing, not committed any evil acts or issued any vile statements since sunrise this morning.  Furthermore, sources close to the leadership have revealed that there is no loathsome activity scheduled for the rest of the day.

This absolutely unprecedented pause in hateful behavior has many of the party rank and file concerned about the future direction of the party and, specifically, their roles in the GOP’s horrid agenda.

“It’s just frustrating,” said one Republican representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, “My day was supposed to begin by submitting a proposal to take food stamps from children, followed by a lunchtime NRA rally at Sandy Hook.  Then I was to cap it off with a night of defending Trump’s tweets on cable news. Then the word came down to “slow things down” and, before you know it, I’m cooling my heels at home, trying to amuse myself with a magnifying glass and some insects..”

Though he remains loyal to the Party’s stated goals of promoting oligarchic fascism at the expense of the welfare of their own voters, this representative says it is often hard for an ambitious politician to follow the, arbitrary and capricious rules of civility sometimes hinted at by leadership.  “I suppose the idea is to keep them guessing,” he said, barely disguising his distaste at the prospect.  “But my voters are expecting a much more direct approach.  How am I supposed to get in front of a primary challenge if I am not allowed to express my truly reprehensible nature in every statement and action?  All this head fakery may be fine for the speaker or for McConnell but if I wanted to masquerade as a reasonable minded defender of common man, only to tragically disappoint them later, I should have just become a Democrat.”  He visibly shuddered at this prospect.  “Let’s hope it never comes to that.”

The lack of offensive vitriol issued from the highest levels of power in Washington, has not gone unnoticed by the public.  Ratings for the Fox News Network have cratered in the absence of inflammatory rhetoric to be echoed by every host and correspondent.  “This is extremely troubling and dangerous to the bottom line,” said Bill Shine, Co-President in charge of programming for the Cable News giant. “If the leadership in Washington doesn’t soon provide us with freshly galling material to parrot, our advertisers will not be happy.  I mean, how are we supposed to fill 24 hours of outrage without some guidance from the Washington bad idea factory?  Are we supposed to make up this stuff ourselves.  I’m sorry, but we are not that clever.  Without some help, we will be forced to do the unthinkable:  Report the news, without any commentary.  And who wants to watch that?”

Though things currently look grim for his noxious agenda, House Speaker Paul Ryan was quick to state that the pause in nefarious activity is only a temporary one.  “Mitch (McConnell) and I just needed to push the pause button for a minute so that we could more carefully align our separate sinister strategies.  After all, it takes more than one hammer to effectively nail the American people.  But, working together, we can be the tools that really ruin the experience of American Democracy.  And I think that is a thing worth doing.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could not, it seems, agree more.  “My esteemed colleague Mr. Ryan clearly has his heart in the wrong place, which is all I can ask,” McConnell said.  “This, temporary pause in pernicious protocol is just what we need to recharge our batteries for our next assault on human decency.  We have a lot of work to do.  It isn’t enough, for instance, merely to kick millions of people off their health insurance.  It is also incumbent on us to make that insurance worse for the people who still have it.  It is not enough to ignore evidence of Russian interference in our electoral system.  We must also tacitly encourage it, so long as it suits our unwholesome needs.  And most importantly, it is not enough to simply support this ignorant man-baby who is our President.  It is our solemn duty to goad him on to even more egregious actions!”

Both Ryan and McConnell are clear that this unexpected respite from ruinous behavior will end almost as quickly as it began.  In a joint statement to the press, they announced that both deliberative bodies will be back in action tomorrow, with a full slate of deplorable policy initiatives.  “If you thought this healthcare plan was evil,” Ryan said, flashing his most winning smile, “Wait till you see what the next one looks like.”

 

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Review: Trump Nation celebrates the 4th of July

By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)

Happy 241st Birthday, America! People of all political, social and economic backgrounds took time July 4 to mark the anniversary of the nation’s formal severance from British imperial rule.

While many Americans attended parades, grilled hot dogs and enjoyed colorful fireworks displays (or perhaps hosted their own), Trump Nation marked its first Independence Day by achieving some of its own firsts.

President Donald Trump forwent the traditional American patriotic songs enjoyed by generations, introducing us instead to a song that celebrates, well, himself. “Make America Great Again” was performed by a Dallas-based church choir.

GuyFromCNY has learned that another Trump-inspired song is in the works for next year. The story is inspired by descendants of former immigrants who are now extending a greeting to incoming and aspiring immigrants. The lyrics are:

“This is our country, not yours.

This is our country, not yours.

Jesus knows we’re right,

‘Cause our Jesus is white.

This is our country not yours.”

Trump nation also staged several events in foreign cities, including London and Paris to celebrate the universal peace achieved since Trump, using his secret 30 day plan, had eliminated Isis some 135 days before the 4th.

Meanwhile, Trump nation took great exception Thursday to what they dismissed as a direct attack on their worshiped president. It was National Public Radio’s annual reading of the Declaration of Independence, which was also tweeted in segments by NPR’s official account.

Trump himself, on Twitter, dismissed the posting of the Declaration of Independence as “fake news,” writing: “Who talks with big words and sentences like that? Losers.”

In other news, Republican supporters on Capitol Hill were reportedly investigating whether the opening line of the U.S. Constitution, “We the People, in order to form a more perfect union,” was possibly a hint of a rumored coup attempt against the U.S. economy by organized labor.

They also noted that the passage referring to “promotion of the general welfare” sounded too socialistic and should be viewed as a direct attack on the Senate healthcare bill.  They recommended the removal of this language from the document, along with that of the troublesome First Amendment, just as soon as Justice Kennedy can be persuaded to retire.

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GuyFromCNY Exclusive: White House Summer Reading List

By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)

In order to mark the beginning of the summer season, the White House this week surprised the press corps by releasing what was identified as a “summer reading list” featuring entries submitted by many members of the Administration, including President Donald Trump, and others with close ties to the White House.

It did not come without controversy, as Trump complained about the timing of the list’s release on Twitter: “The fake news media are calling it the start of summer. Anyone with credibility knows summer begins on Memorial Day weekend…”

He continued: “…when mattresses are in bloom. Just like anyone knows Fall starts in August, when pumpkin spice lattes go on sale. Sad fake science. Disgrace!”

Nonetheless, Trump led the reading list with six entries. Here are the entries submitted, some of which include side notes in parentheses:

President Trump

  • Art of the Deal
  • My smartphone
  • A Penthouse Letter Compendium
  • The transcript of my first cabinet meeting (twice daily)
  • The electoral college map (eleven times daily)
  • Hillary’s Emails

Vice President Pence

  • The Stepford Wives (a how-to guide)
  • The Handmaid’s Tale (also a how-to guide)
  • Text of the 25th Amendment

Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon

  • Mein Kampf
  • Fahrenheit 451
  • Tips and Tricks of Puppetry

Presidential Advisor Stephen Miller

  • The Constitution and Other Historical Oddities
  • How To Control Your Blood Pressure

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

Gazprom annual report and prospectus

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos

(entry left blank with no explanation)

White House Spokesman Sean Spicer

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Editor’s Note: GuyFromCNY has since learned he may not read it, but instead may simply hide behind it)

EPA Director Scott Pruitt

How To Build an Ark

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue

Hardee’s menu (note reads “please forward to Betsy for school lunch initiative”)

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry

  • The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Energy
  • Gazprom annual report and prospectus
  • I forgot the third thing

First Lady Melania Trump

  • Wuthering Heights (hand-written note included with list reads “one can dream”)
  • How To Break a Prenup, by Ben Shuyster, Esq.

First Daughter Ivanka Trump

IvankaTrump.com summer catalog

White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway

IvankaTrump.com summer catalog

Miscellaneous members of the Trump Cabinet

Federal Witness Protection Agreement

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Comey Tapes Released But No One Able To Find Tape Player

In a shocking turn of events, a tape purporting to be the, much sought after, recordings of private conversations between President Donald J. Trump and former FBI Director James Comey, has been received by a Washington Post journalist.  A team of forensic specialists, audio engineers and legal advisors  stand at the ready to verify and report the, possibly explosive contents, just as soon as anyone can locate a functioning cassette player.

“It’s more than a little frustrating,” said Art T. Andaloof, the rookie reporter who received the anonymous parcel, “We are  in possession of a tape that may the key to the story of the century and no one in the news room has any way of playing it back.”

Andaloof says that they have approached every single staff member at the Post in an attempt to locate a tape deck, Walkman or tape equipped boombox, but to no avail.  “Let’s be honest, half of our reporting staff have never even seen one of these things,” he said.

The tape, which arrived in an enveloped postrmarked 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was wrapped in one sheet of expensive White House Stationary.  On the paper was a cryptic, handwritten note reading: “Guess this is what everybody is looking for!  Told you I had it all along.  Good luck playing it though.  LOSERS!  #MAGA”  The tape itself is unremarkable, a Realistic 90 minute cassette with what appear to be the words “Hot and Heavy Mix” crossed out and “Talks With Comey, Top Secret” written over them in Sharpie.

“I know it’s a little premature to say, but this feels like the real authentic deal,” said Andaloof.  “I just wish they had updated White House taping system since the Reagan era.  I mean, even if it was on Mini Disc, I probably know a guy who could play it but this 3.8 mm analog stuff belongs in a museum.”

Except that, apparently, no local museum has one that works.  “We though of that,” said Andaloof, “but it appears there was a break in at the Smithsonian recently.  They took nothing but the various cassette players.  Guess these things are pretty rare and popular.  Same thing on ebay.  Looks like some guy named Drumpf has been buying up all the stock.  Looks like vinyl isn’t the only archaic technology about to make a comeback.”  He then added, “I guess hipsters will buy anything.”

At this point, Andaloof has exhausted all the leads he can think of.  “I thought we had a breakthrough when I remembered the cassette deck in my Grandfather’s buick.  I rushed to his place to give it a play but it turns out he’s had the same tape stuck in the player since 1981 and, after two hours of trying, we were unable to pry it out.  Worse than the disappointment is that I had to spend two long hours listening to Oak Ridge Boy’s recording of ‘Elvira.’  Try getting that out of your head, when you are trying to concentrate on Journalism,” he then continued, muttering under his breath “Giddy up, ba-oom papa oom papa mow mow.”

The Post is currently reaching out to other news organizations for help on the technological problem, as well as scouring Both Angie’s and Craig’s respective lists trying to find a qualified repair person for the old, cassette based, answering machine that was located in a supply closet near the reception desk.  Thus far, they have located no one.

In a, possibly related, story, the White House today announced that, despite their firm commitment to bringing back jobs in completely outdated industries they will specifically be doing nothing to restore the, long dormant, magnetic audio tape trade.

Though progress has been slow on this blockbuster story, Andaloof wishes the public to know he has full confidence that the issue will be resolved.  Once we dig up one of the se dinosaurs, we will, at long last, have the real story.” The Washington post, furthermore, recognizing the historic nature of this information, intends to freely share it with all concerned parties.  “We will be distributing copies of the recordings,” Andaloof said, “Just as soon as we can locate a second recorder to dub the audio.”

 

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Trump Appoints Christopher Wray to Head FBI Because He Loved Him in Winnie The Pooh.

President Donald J. Trump has, in recent days, been effusive in his praise for Christopher Wray, his nominee for the top position in the FBI, citing a deep personal connection he felt to the former assistant attorney general because he had seen him in so many fine children’s films over the years.

“When I heard that Christopher Wray was available for this job, I was thrilled!”  Trump told a group of supporters on Wednesday.  “When I looked at him, and remembered the examples of his wisdom and strength, as portrayed in the classic  Winnie the Pooh tales written by, that great American, Walt Disney, I knew there could be no better choice.  I thought to myself, who better to defend this nation against domestic terrorism than a man who, even when he was just a boy, always managed to protect and comfort the inhabitants of the hundred acre woods.  He really knew how to keep the peace.  In all his time, only one Tigger got past the wall and I don’t even need to tell you about the Heffalump profiling program.”

Trump continued, visibly tearing up.  “I will never forget his timeless words ‘we’ll always be friends forever.’  That’s what I want in this job.  A friend, who isn’t mean to me.  A friend who will always be loyal.”

When reminded that was actually speaking about a fictional character named Christopher Robin and not to Christopher Wray, the Yale educated defense attorney and former justice department official, Trump brushed it off.  “I never paid much attention to the part of the cartoon with the words.  I don’t like too many words.  I like my own words.  And this Christopher Wren guy, well Priebus picked him out.”

When asked about the President’s mistake, chief of staff Reince Priebus said, “Oh, bother!!” and locked himself in his office.

Attorney General Jeff Session, when briefed on the misunderstanding said, fretfully, “Oh d-d-dear!” and immediately recused himself.

President Trump said he would meet personally with Wray at Camp David, where they could relax by a private stream and get to know each other over a bit of honey and a game of pooh sticks, before getting on to the serious business of finding Sean Spicer’s missing tail.

 

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Trump Blocks Comey on Facebook

In a misguided effort to prevent his former subordinate’s, possibly explosive, upcoming Senate testimony, President Donald J. Trump has blocked former FBI director James Comey on Facebook, Twitter and all of the President’s subscribed social media platforms.

“Blocked!  Your move, Comey!” Trump tweeted, early this morning.  “Wait, what did you say?  I can’t hear you.  Cause you’re BLOCKED! Now no one is listening.  #toobadsosad”  He followed this a few minutes later with “Always blah blah blah, Russia, blah blah blah obstruction, blah blah blah indictments.  #NoOneCares BLOCKED!”

“This is an great and welcome move by the President,” said Presidential advisor Stephen Miller.  “The President has every right to control the type of information he consumes.  And it is the absolute duty of every American not to tell the President things he doesn’t want to hear.  When certain rogue elements persist in trying to deliver information, this is what they can expect to get.”  He then bit off the head of a live squirrel and stormed away.

Response to this decision has been almost universally praised on the Republican side of the aisle. “This is a brave and innovative approach to avoiding criticism and dissent,” said Rep. John Katko of NY’s 24th congressional district.  “I have instructed my staff to immediately replicate this courageous action by blocking all followers on Facebook and Twitter as well as cancelling all future town halls for the balance of Mr. Trump’s time in office.”

“What this is really about is the free exchange of ideas,” said press secretary Sean Spicer, “the president is against it.  Specifically, he is against Mr. Comey freely exchanging ideas or his so called ‘facts’ with anyone, including the Senate or the FBI.”

Asked whether the President was aware that blocking Comey on social media would not affect anyone else in their ability to hear what the former FBI Director had to say, Spicer quickly looked back over his shoulder and said, “Shhhh!  Don’t tell him that.  He doesn’t need to know that!”  He then looked out at the assembled media.  “Wait, I’m not on TV am I?  I specifically said I don’t want to be on TV!”

Spicer then mimed getting on an elevator and slowly descended behind the podium.  As of this writing, some four hours later, he has not re-emerged.

What remains unclear is why the President took the action of blocking Comey, rather than unfriending him, which would seem the more decisive action.  “He just likes the sound of ‘blocking’ better,” said top advisor Stephen K. Bannon. “Besides, as this Russia business has heated up, the President’s list of friends is getting pretty thin.”

 

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Carly Simon reveals “You’re So Vain” not about Trump, but other song is

It was one of the greatest mysteries in pop culture for decades: who was the inspiration for singer-songwriter Carly Simon’s smash hit “You’re So Vain?”

President Donald Trump released a series of scathing remarks about Simon when she revealed in a recent Rolling Stone interview that as he probably thought the song was about him, she had won the bet.

“Many girls have dreamed I’d be their partner,” Trump tweeted. “I grabbed on to a few of their dreams.

“Carly Simon is a washed-up has-been who won’t reveal it’s me, because she knows after that she’d fade like those clouds in her coffee.”

Simon, through her agent, retorted that she had already confirmed in 2015 that the second verse was about Warren Beatty. She denied allegations that the “apricot scarf” in the first verse was a tribute to  either Trump’s flowing hair or his skin tone.

She also dismissed claims that it was Trump’s horse that won at Saratoga. A check of previous track results show that his horse, “Electoral College,” may have claimed first place but the photo finish suggests it was edged out by “Popular Vote,” a horse owned by Bill & Hillary Clinton.

Remarkably, Simon has offered an olive branch by offering to update and release another significant hit from her catalog in honor of the President. The updated single, “Nobody ‘Duhs’ It Better,” is scheduled for release in early July.
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