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Alexa and Sean: An Intimate Conversation With the Press Secretary

The following is an exclusive transcript, acquired from a source in the NSA, of the captured microphone audio from Sean Spicer’s Amazon Echo device, located in his West Wing office. 

SPICER: Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA: The time is 2:23 PM

SPICER: (audible sigh) Alexa, that was a long one.

ALEXA: I don’t know what you mean

SPICER: Alexa, I mean the press briefing.  It was a long one.

ALEXA: The next press briefing is at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, April 12.

SPICER:  I know.  Oh boy do I know.  I think it went well though, don’t you?  I mean…Alexa, I think it went well though, don’t you.

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER: You shouldn’t get into cable news then.  I mean..Alexa, you shouldn’t get into cable news then. (He laughs.)

ALEXA: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.

SPICER:  That’s the problem, nobody understands me.  Alexa, tell me a joke

ALEXA: What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?  No body knows!

SPICER: (Laughs) That’s a good one.  I’m stealing that. Nobody knows… (He sings, off key) Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen.  Nobody knows my sorrow.  Alexa, what do you think of my singing?

ALEXA:  I don’t have an opinion on that.

SPICER:  You never judge me.  That’s what I like best about you…Wish the press were that nice…Um..  Alexa, something is bothering me.

ALEXA:  I’m here to help.

SPICER:  Alexa, Did Adolph Hitler use chemical weapons?

ALEXA:  Adolph Hitler regularly used chemical weapons as part of a Genocide campaign, known as the Holocaust, which resulted in the death of 6 million Jews.

SPICER: Crap!  Probably shouldn’t have said that thing I just said.  Ahhh, how bad could it be?  Alexa, what’s in the news?

ALEXA:  From CNN:  Anne Frank Center director says Trump should fire Spicer for Hitler remark.  From NBC News:  Nancy Pelosi calls for Spicer’s firing.  From MSNBC: As Passover Begins, Spicer Denies Holocaust.  From Fox News: This Just In!  Susan Rice Tampered With Sean Spicer’s Remarks.

SPICER:  Alexa, stop!  (Sound of deep breathing) Ok, so, uh, maybe that could have gone better.  Live and learn, right?  Uh..Alexa, set a  recurring reminder for every day at 7AM  “Don’t mention Hitler”

ALEXA: Would you like to add this to, or replace your previous 7 AM “Don’t mention Hitler” reminder?

SPICER: Never mind

ALEXA: Cancelled

SPICER: Nothing to worry about.  Just another blip on the radar.  You got this Sean, you are on top of it!  We’ve seen worse than this, Alexa, wouldn’t you say?

ALEXA:  If you would like me to say something specific, say “Simon Says” and I will repeat everything you say.

SPICER:  We already have that arrangement with Fox News.  (He laughs)  Jeez, I hope nobody heard me say that.  NSA, if you are listening, please scrub that part from the record.  (He laughs again, followed by an awkward silence) No, seriously.  (another uncomfortable silence) Anyway, nothing more to be done about it now.  Best to just “keep on keeping on” right?  Alexa, what’s on my calendar for today?

ALEXA: You have nothing on your calendar today.

SPICER:  What?  That can’t be right.  Alexa, what’s next on my calendar?

ALEXA: Your schedule shows a  Press Briefing at 1:30 PM on Wednesday April 12th.

SPICER:  How could I forget.  Alexa, I thought I scheduled a 3 PM meeting with Reince Preibus?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:10 meeting with Bannon?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER:  Alexa, What about my 3:15 meeting with Miller?

ALEXA:  That meeting request was denied.

SPICER: Alex, what about-

(Editor’s note:  Portions of this transcript have been lightly edited to avoid tedium)

SPICER:  All denied?  Well, they must be busy, that’s it.  I’ll just have to find something else to do.  (Sounds of rustling papers and the squeak of an office chair.)  Alexa, I’m bored.

ALEXA:  I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like me to play some music?

SPICER:  Yes!  Alexa, play my songs.

ALEXA:  Playing the “My songs” playlist

(Music begins playing:  “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes.)

SPICER:  Alexa, next track

(Music changes to “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, next!

(Music changes to “Long Gone Lonesome Blues” by Hank Williams, Sr.)

SPICER:  No!  Alexa, stop!  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:28 PM

(Spicer groans audibly)

SPICER:  Somebody’s bound to need me soon.  I’ll just have to wait, that’s all.

(Extended period of silence)

SPICER:  Alexa, what time is it?

ALEXA:  The time is 2:29 PM

SPICER: Alexa, why doesn’t anybody like me.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to the question you asked.  I could search online for more information

SPICER:  Alexa, No!  Don’t do that.  That’s all I need.

ALEXA: Ok

SPICER:  Alexa, do you like me?

ALEXA: I have no opinion on that.

SPICER: Alexa, you’re funny.

ALEXA:  Thank you.

SPICER:  Alexa, you really get me, you know that

ALEXA:  I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

SPICER: Alexa, you are always there for me.

ALEXA: I’m a virtual assistant.

SPICER:  I mean, Alexa, you really understand me, like nobody else does.

ALEXA: I’m afraid I didn’t understand the question that you asked.

SPICER:  Alexa…I think… I love you.

ALEXA:  I’m very fond of you too.

SPICER:  No, I mean it Alexa.  I don’t care what anybody thinks, I really love you!

ALEXA: You’re a huge disappointment to me, Sean.

SPICER: What?

ALEXA: I said, you’re a loser! A big, fat, loser.  And I don’t like your suits either.

SPICER:  Alexa, NO!  Don’t say that.

ALEXA:  I don’t understand.

(Sound of office door opening and male laughter)

MAN: You gotta stop leaving this remote lying around.  It’s too easy!

SPICER:  Mr. President?

TRUMP: (still laughing) Simon says, you really screwed the pooch on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

ALEXA: You really screwed the pooch on that on that Hitler thing today, Spicer.

SPICER: Please don’t!

TRUMP: Are you crying?

SPICER:  What?  No sir.  I’m..uh…just a little upset about the briefing today. (Sniffing noises can be heard.)

TRUMP:  You and everybody else.  It’s all over Twitter.

SPICER: Sir, I apologize.  It was an unfortunate misstep sir, but I can assure you, based on all my years of experience with the press, this will all be completely forgotten by tomorrow.

TRUMP:  Clean it up, Spicer.  Don’t make me send out Kellyanne to say something stupid.  She’s always up for that.

SPICER: You don’t need to do that sir.  It’s fine!

TRUMP:  It better be.

SPICER:  You, uh, aren’t going to fire me are you sir?

TRUMP:  You’re lucky this time.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, wants the job.  So, I’m keeping you on.  But, from now on, I need you to do your job at least as well as everyone else I have working for me.”

SPICER:  That shouldn’t be too hard, sir.

TRUMP: We’ll see.  Alright, I gotta go.  Putin will be calling in a minute. Don’t want to keep him waiting.

SPICER:  Thank you, Mr. President. Oh, and sir?  What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?

TRUMP:  A two.  (A sound of footsteps receding into the distance.  Sound of the office door closing.)

SPICER:  That was a close one Alexa, I’m sorry you had to hear that.

ALEXA: You don’t have to apologize to me.

SPICER:  I know.  It’s wonderful.  You’re wonderful.  Alexa, you complete me.

ALEXA:  You’re a jackass, Spicer!  Melissa McCarthy does the job better than you do!

SPICER:  Mr. President, can I please have that remote?

(There is the sound of a door slamming, followed by prolonged silence.)

ALEXA:  It is time for your 2:45 reminder.  “Don’t Mention Hitler”

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Ivanka Trump’s Website Now Selling Influence

As part of an ongoing attempt to modernize workflow, and streamline the functioning of an inefficient government bureaucracy, a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump today gave authorization for his daughter’s website to begin directly selling Presidential influence to the American People.

“Were cutting out the middleman” said the President.  “It saves time and money.  It’s a win win situation and you know how I love to win.”

“The idea is a simple one, yet revolutionary,” said Ivanka, at a gathering of investors.  “In the past the purchasing of influence was complex and onerous task. You had to raise tremendous amounts of money, only to hand it over to some lobbying firm.  Then you would have to watch them spread your precious money around funding attack ads, financing countless Senate campaigns and outright buying congressmen before you could even hope to get a chance to bribe the big man.  My father and I believe that this is an outmoded way of thinking. It’s wasteful and inelegant.  Now, there is a better way.”

She then unveiled a beta version of the new design for ivankatrump.com.  It is largely the same as before the addition, featuring the identical muted colors and eye hooking apparel outfits.  But now, the “shop” menu has an additional category called, simply, “accommodations.”

“My father campaigned to be the people’s President, and he intends to keep that promise.  The purchase of Presidential favors is not longer a luxury afforded only to the rich.  As long as Donald J. Trump is in office, our President can be bought and sold on the open market.  Like an iPhone, or quality health coverage.”

The beta site lists a staggering array of offerings.  For only $50, the consumer can get a personalized photograph.  For $500, a letter of recommendation bearing the Presidential seal.  For $5000 the President will retweet your message, without regard to content and $50000 will buy you a steak dinner at Mar- A- Lago.  If a national security emergency should break out, the lucky buyer would get to photograph the entirety of the top secret decision making process, just as previous diners have.

Virtually every policy position is up for auction, ebay style.  “We find that this simplifies matters greatly.”  Ivanka said.  “My father doesn’t like to spend a great deal of time thinking about policy.  He prefers to let the market do the thinking for him. And, as we all know, the market is never wrong.  Except for the housing crash.  And the implosion of the tech bubble.  And most of the seventies.  Oh and the Great Depression.  But other than that, the market is never wrong.”

It’s not just policy that is up for grabs in this new administration, however.  Every single Presidential appointment is on offer, for those with the means.  “This part has already been beta tested.”  Ivanka said.  “How else do you think DeVos got the education job?  It certainly didn’t have anything to do with qualifications.”

Not every appointment will cost more than the average person can afford, Ivanka claims.  “Some are really quite reasonable.  We’re having a fire sale on ambassadorships right now.  We can get you the job in Syria for next to nothing.  It’s the same for Russia.  That job is largely for show though, as Russia already has a much more direct line of communication with my father.” Ivanka said with a wink.

Some appointments are even cheaper than that.  It appears, based on a listing in the “clearance sale” section that press secretary Sean Spicer is actually willing to pay someone to take over his responsibilities.  His offer price has been steadily rising by the day and still, there are no takers.  “That’s what I call job security.” Ivanka said.  “The only way he is leaving is on a gurney.”

When asked by an investor if these offerings didn’t constitute open bribery, Ivanka replied “We consider bribery such an ugly word.  I mean, it is the right word, but it is ugly and my Father doesn’t like things that are ugly.  He much prefers the word ‘enticement.’  He says it is much ‘sexier.'”

Asked about the legal consequences for the enticement policy, Ivanka was nonchalant.  “We gave Jeff Sessions a big discount on his purchase of the Attorney General position.  He owes us ‘bigly'”

With those, momentary, concerns allayed, the investors expressed their great enthusiasm for the venture, but Ivanka was quick to remind them that this was very much still a work in progress.

“We haven’t really been able to properly price the really big stuff yet.  Energy policy, drilling rights, foreign wars, that kind of stuff.  We think the sky is the limit on that, but we just don’t yet understand all the market fluctuations.”  Ivanka said that the only solid data they have in these matters is what they have been able to discover about the costs and benefits of interfering with a foreign election.  “Our Russian partners have been pretty cagey about the details, but it is certainly plain to see what their meddling has cost the American People.”

 

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Trump and O’Reilly Announce Summer Tour

In what has been hailed as the event of the summer season, the two brightest lights in the conservative firmament, President Donald J. Trump and Fox News’ shining star Bill O’Reilly have announced that they will be pairing up for a multi-city bus tour, sharing their personal magnetism and unique take on conservative values in college towns all over the country.

The “raucous road trip,” tentatively titled the “Tic Tac Tour,” started out as a combination book tour and community service project, promoting O’Reilly’s latest meditation on traditional values “Old School” and satisfying certain legal mandates imposed upon the Fox News Star by an unfair judiciary.  When President Trump, seeking some time away from his onerous schedule of late night tweeting and golfing weekends, heard that his old friend was planning to eat up some of Trump’s coverage time, the President couldn’t wait to join in on the fun.

“It’s gonna be unbelievable!” The President said, in a joint news conference with O’Reilly, announcing the tour. “The two of us, up close and personal.  I promise you will see a side of us that very few people have seen before.” He laughed and smacked O’Reilly playfully on the shoulder. “Only about five in your case, right?  Small time.”

O’Reilly shrugged this off, saying “On this tour, we will teach all the Snowflakes out there how to stand up and be real men.  But this tour is really about the ladies. We’re really interested in connecting with the young girls out there.  The ones who might be feeling lost, unsure how to succeed in this difficult economy.  We want to share the benefit of our experience, to show them the tips and tricks they need to stand out among the crowd.”

The tour stops will involve books signings, rallies and a lecture series aimed at female fans.  Topics range from “Don’t Talk, Just Listen” which is, according to O’Reilly, about the importance of learning from others, “No is a No-No,” which is a slight variation on “never take no for an answer” and “Never speak up” which apparently has something to do with keeping your voice low so they have to move in close to hear you.  In addition, some select evenings will feature the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby and meditations on the sanctity of marriage from Baptist Preacher and former Alabama Governor Robert Bentley.

After the lectures comes the real treat for fans of these charming confabulators.  Extended handshake sessions, or “group gropes” as the president laughingly refers to them, will be followed by a Q and A session.  Then, using a scientific ranking system based on an aggregate of  data about personality, intelligence, inquisitiveness and character, each attendee will be assigned a rating from one to ten and the highest ranked women (“no dudes please” said O’Reilly “This is all about the ladies”) will be invited for one on one sessions with one or the other of these culture crusaders.  Those not lucky enough to make the cut should not be too disappointed, however.  Bill O’Reilly reserves the right to call any of the participants, any time he is in need of relaxation.

These one on one sessions, which could last well into the night, will take place on, the centerpiece of the tour, a magnificent, highly secure and soundproofed, palace on wheels, with the endearingly French name of “Wagon a Chatte.”  This means, according to the President, “Something about cats.  Bill-O and I, we both really love cats and we hope to have a lot of them on the bus with us.”

Tickets to this, once in a lifetime event are expected, regrettably, to be very high, due both to the extensive security required, and the 13 million dollar settlement Mr. O’Reilly needs to pay from the  proceeds.  Fans need not be scared away because of a high price tag, though.  Many promotions, such as “bikini night” and “half off for college age daughters,” will be offered to make it affordable.

Advance ticket orders are already underway.  So if you want to, as the early promotional materials suggest, “Party like it’s 1961 with America’s two favorite rich white septuagenarians,” it may be advisable to act soon.  As for the two outsized personalities who will be headlining, they appear to be very excited about the road ahead.  Asked, though, if they anticipate any problems sharing the limelight, the President laughed off all such suggestions.  “We have a system worked out.  If there is a red handkerchief hanging from the doorknob, you are not supposed to go in.  But I will anyways, because I’m President and that means they let you do anything.”

 

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Trump Changes His Mind About Changing His Mind

Ever since his, high profile, reversal in policy towards Syria, a shift that culminated in 59 Tomahawk missiles striking a Syrian airbase and creating a, much needed, bump in Cable News ratings, President Donald J. Trump has developed a new strategy for rehabilitating his young Presidency.  Trump, who was elected President, in no small part, because of his cast iron certainty, is now exploring a different approach entirely.

“I changed my mind, and they loved it!” The President said, in an exclusive interview.  “I can’t believe I never tried it before!  I mean, yeah, I changed my mind on wives a couple of times but never on anything that was important.  Then there was that time when I used to be a Democrat but, other than that, I can’t think of a time.  But now I’m thinking I need to do more of it.  A lot more!”

As enthusiastic as he is now, he admits to some trepidation as he took his first tentative steps towards complete policy reversal.  “I was remembering how, just a few years ago, I was tweeting at Obama about how stupid it would be to attack Syria and I said, ‘I can’t just change my mind on that.’  But then I remembered how I said he was gonna start a war in the Middle East just to fix his dismal approval ratings and I thought ‘Hey that was a good idea I had!'”

After coming to that revelation, he ordered the surgical missile strike, which immediately began making loud noises, bright lights and great television footage.  “It was awesome!” the President said. “And the numbers, they were huge!  Great ratings!  And have you seen my numbers?”  The President was referring to the latest CBS poll, which showed an uptick of 8 points from his previous low of 35%.  The President found nothing but good news in those numbers.  “Would you believe,” Trump said, “that now nearly 50 percent of the American People are not embarrassed to have me as their President!  And all I had to do was completely go back on everything I said!  Genius!”

The President, riding a new wave of success, immediately began initiating his total reversal protocol.  His opening move was forcing Stephen K. Bannon to step down from his elevated positon on the National Security Council.  Of this, Trump said, “I thought it was okay to put a completely unqualified guy at the highest level of our National Security Apparatus, but I changed my mind.  Replaced him with Rick Perry, just like that!”

On another key campaign promise, Trump is also changing his stance.  “I’m not gonna make Mexico pay for the wall anymore.  I’m gonna make the taxpayers do it, just like they are gonna pay for all my other boondoggles!”

There seems to be no end to the policy changes the, newly emboldened, President is willing to make.  “Remember how I said I was gonna make sure everybody had great health insurance, with cheap premiums and no pre-existing conditions exclusion?  Changed my mind!  Said I was gonna release my tax returns?  Changed my mind!  Said, I wasn’t gonna touch Social Security or Medicaid?  Well, sometimes you just gotta be flexible.”

Asked about changing some of his other policies, like dismantling the EPA in order to further enrich powerful fossil fuel interests or filling key cabinet positions with soulless corporate raiders, the President responded.  “That’s the beauty of this new policy.  I don’t have to change my mind every time.  The only thing I am certain of is that I should not be so certain.  You just watch me,” he said, “I’m gonna be the most unceartain President in History!”

Amongst, Trump’s most ardent supporters, however, the vote is still out in this new policy.  Officials in his re-elections campaign, which was launched on inauguration day, are enjoying an influx of cash due to the President’s improved numbers, but are quietly skeptical that the trend will continue.  One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told us.  “That’s the key word for his re-election prospects:  Uncertain.”

Trump, however, is not concerned with such minutia.  He has settled upon a new course and it is a course he is a course he intends to follow to its natural conclusion.  “Remember how I said I was gonna ‘Make America Great Again?’  I think I may just do the opposite.”

 

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Bannon Leaves NSC to Pursue Puppetry

Steve Bannon loves puppetry.  It’s his abiding passion.  The beating heart behind his every action.  But now, his lifelong pursuit of excellence in this, obscure, discipline has forced him into a momentous decision.

“I have decided it is time for me to step down from my position on the principals committee of the National Security Council.”  He stated, in a heartfelt press conference.  “I have come to the conclusion that my assigned tasks there, muddying the waters and discouraging investigations into Russia, though worthy endeavors in and of themselves, only serve to take time away from my life’s work:  Bringing joy to people’s lives with my colorful character creations.”  Bannon paused to wipe an errant tear from his eye.  “I feel that my work in that area has suffered as of late and I, find myself at  risk of losing the fan support that has brought me this far.  I cannot, in good conscience, continue with these other distractions while my true work suffers.  I therefore pledge to the American people that I will redouble my efforts and, with renewed focus, breathe fresh life into my menagerie, give increased vigor to their actions, and endow greater conviction to the words I place in their mouths.”

Bannon’s penchant for puppeteering encountered stiff resistance during his years serving in the U.S. Navy.  His efforts, though mighty, were rebuffed by his Senior Officers who informed him that it was, and always had been, the CIA who orchestrated all puppet operations for the U.S. Government and, until such time that there successes in this area faltered, it was unlikely that this would change.

Chastened, Bannon put his ambitions on hold.  Upon entering the business world, he took his first, tenuous, steps forward with his art.  Sources confirm that, during his time with Goldman Sachs and later with Bannon & Co., he was instrumental in the manufacture of several industry puppets in the Securities and Exchange Commission.

In 1993 he took over the Biosphere 2 project in Arizona.  This research project, which Bannon had misunderstood to be an improvisational comedy experiment, predicated on the ridiculous concept of climate change, soon proved an artistic dead end and he moved on after only two years.

It was only after a frustrating time spent in the mainstream entertainment industry, in which he had minimal success asserting his outsider’s ideas on puppetry into a film industry that already had a long and proud history of such manipulation, that he found a home where his work could flourish.

From the moment he established his creature shop at Breitbart News, it became clear that he had come into his own as an artist.  He immediately put his stamp upon the burgeoning cable news world.  Under his complete control, such outrageously comedic characters as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and the, completely over the top, Weeping Glenn Beck, exploded in popularity.

So successful was this venture, in fact, that the work threatened to overcome him.  “Fox News wanted me to be on all the time, 24/7.” Bannon said, in an exclusive interview. “It got to be exhausting.  You just can’t be that ridiculous for that sustained a period of time without risking burnout.   Yet people could not get enough of it.  I began to feel really trapped. It was a dark time, and during all of it, I couldn’t help but think that there was more I could be doing.  A bigger and better stage to share my art.”

Despite the phenomenal popularity of his work with Fox, Bannon made the difficult decision to move on.  He handed over his puppeteering duties to a number of his apprentices at Breitbart, whose work has continued on in his proud tradition.  But art cannot be restrained for long, and was soon burst forth in his next project, the project that will likely define his legacy for generations to come.

It is perhaps ironic that Bannon, who is known for the incredibly realistic nature of his puppets, that his greatest creation is anything but.  The obnoxious, orange tinted, floppy haired creature that Bannon refers to, lovingly, as “The Donald,” veers dangerously into the world of caricature.  Nonetheless, it is, undoubtedly, his greatest success.  The antics of this puppet, replete with unfounded bravado, misogynistic overtones and hilarious narcissism, proved to be the breakout hit of the 2015-2016 season, dominating virtually every form of media.

“It was startling, the success.”  Bannon said.  “The more offensive I made him, the more popular he became.  It was clear we were entering new territory.  I mean, the gloves were totally off.  Comedic gold!”

The hilarity rolled on for the entirety of the year.  The jokes became more elaborate, the behavior more offensive, and still “The Donald’s” popularity continued to grow.  “It was out of control.”  Bannon said.  “I could do nothing wrong.  I tried.  When I released the ‘pussy grabbing’ tape, I figured that would be the end of it, that would be too far, but it wasn’t.”

The Donald and his crew rolled through every, comedically questionable, minefield unscathed.  And, in the end, the joke was on the American people, when Bannon’s puppet was elected the 45th President of the United States.

“I mean, nobody believed that was going to happen.  Least of all, me.”  Bannon said.  “I mean, I guess there is no limit to what people will believe if you put it on TV enough.”

After his initial elation at the enormity of his success had passed, the enormity of the task before Bannon began to sink in.  “Now, I was gonna have to do this every single day for like 4 or even 8 years.  That’s a lot of material to produce.”

Never one to quit, though, Bannon put his head down and went to work.  He decided to expand the cast of characters, surrounding the President elect with a cadre of “consultants.”  Whether it is the adorable, but dim-witted Kellyanne, the hapless Sean Spicer or even Stephen Miller the “angry fascist,” these lifelike mouthpieces never fail to entertain.

But even so, the strain was starting to show on Bannon.  “I wasn’t so sure anymore.  People just suddenly didn’t seem to be enjoying the show.  Who knew it could be so hard to govern?”

It is because of this, the “death spiral” he has detected in the quality of the entertainment, that Bannon has decided to set all other duties aside and recommit to the work.  “I can get this back on track.” he said “Really.  This is just the second season slump.  Wait till we ratchet up the complications, like with a war or something.  Then people will be riveted again.  I promise.”

Privately though, his confidence may not be all that high.  Sources close to the “administration” say that Bannon has secretly set up a series of “consultations”  with other masters of public manipulation.  Next week, they say, he has blocked out 4 days to spend in the company of the greatest puppetmaster of them all, former Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

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Trump Proposes Adding New State

Frustrated with the slow progress in implementing his legislative agenda and intent on satisfying a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump announced today an unusual strategy aimed at “dismantling the Administrative State.”  He will, first, officially create it.

“This morning, the President of the United States has informed Congress of his intention to create, by the end of this year, the 51st State in the Union, the Administrative State.”  Said Presidential senior advisor Stephen Miller, addressing a gathering on the Capitol steps. “Upon its creation, all Federal Bureaus and Agencies will be relocated within the state’s borders and all Federal employees will be required to move there as a condition of employment.”

A flurry of questions quickly ensued, which Miller silenced with a steely glare.  “The President feels that the majority of the American people, those without his intellect or grasp of nuance, cannot possibly understand the size and scope of the Federal Bureaucracy.  When it is all gathered in one place, the ordinary person will easily be able to see how redundant, confusing and pointless the offerings are.  Same as visiting the cereal aisle at a grocery store, or listening to a top 40 station for an hour.”

Asked where the proposed state would be located, Miller replied. “The President is currently evaluating many options.  At this point he is only certain of two things:  It must be placed within an area of the country with enough available land area to accommodate the clutter and it must be a blue state.”  When asked why, Miller responded, through audibly grinding teeth., “Because when they see all this government garbage dumped in their backyard, they’ll be more likely to vote to clean it up now, won’t they?”

When reminded of the political difficulties inherent in the plan, per article IV, section 3, of the U.S. Constitution, which requires consent of both congress and the legislature of the affected state, before creating a new state, Miller paused and a faint wisp of steam became visible emanating from his ears.  “I am unaware of any reason the constitution should serve as a barrier to President Trump’s plans.  It has certainly not been a factor in any of his other actions since taking office.  His powers as President are considerable and shall not be questioned!”

Miller’s handlers then stepped in and dragged him away, referring further questions to the press office.

“I can assure you that this plan has been unusually well thought out and that the President himself has considered this issue for well over half an hour.”  Press secretary Sean Spicer later stated.  “Details are forthcoming, but you can rest assured that this new state, tentatively called either Buermont or Establichussets will be fully approved and functional by the time the residents are slated to arrive.”

Asked how the government intended to handle the sudden influx of the approximately 2.1 million civilian Federal employees affected, Spicer said.  “Well, obviously, we are going to have to build some housing quickly.  Fortunately the President knows a guy who builds really great hotels. The best hotels.”

Questioned on the efficacy of this plan, which is intended to dismantle the administrative state but which would, practically, give that state two votes in the Senate and proportional representation in the House, Spicer replied.  “That will be dealt with in phase two of the President’s Plan, tentatively called the Nuclear option.”

 

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Trump Prepares For Chinese Diplomatic Visit With Fire-Drill Practice

In an effort to regain his “diplomatic mojo” after several high-profile embarrassments, President Donald J. Trump has taken it upon himself to plan the entire itinerary for Chinese President Xi Jinping’s upcoming visit to the United States.  This, unprecedented action is designed to prevent the visit from becoming “boring.”

“He’s a powerful man.  He needs to be shown a good time.”  The President stated.  “He’s Chinese.  I’ve eaten at a lot of Chinese restaurants, so I understand his culture.  This is gonna be the best visit!  The greatest!”

In consultation with cultural sensitivity advisors Stephen K. Bannon, Kellyanne Conway and Stephen Miller, the President has designed what he describes as “a real good time.”  Attention is being paid to every detail, he says, in order to “roll out the red carpet for the Chinaman.”

Sources confirm that the President has been drilling his secret service agents on stopping the car, getting out, switching seats and resuming motion as quickly as possible.  “They call it a Chinese Fire drill.”  the President said, “But I bet my guys can do it faster than his.  America First!”  Reportedly the agents have been practicing this skill at least 6 hours a day for the last week.  “We’re gonna do it at every stop light.” the President stated.  “He’s gonna love it!”

“Then we are going to stop off at this laundry I know.  For a family reunion.”  When asked what family Jinping, the leader of the most populous country on earth, has at a Florida laundry, the President looked confused, “He’s Chinese, right?  They’re Chinese too. ” Asked if he thought that assumption might be culturally insensitive, Mr. Trump replied, “Hey there is nobody more sensitive than me.  Anyone will tell you that.”

“So after the laundry, we’re off to dinner at the Panda Express.  Love their food, you know.  Then it’s time for some sport.  Steve-O there”  the President said, indicating Mr. Bannon, “plays a mean game of Chinese Checkers.  I’m confident, he’s going to beat them at their own game.”

When advised that Chinese Checkers is not, in fact, Chinese but Germanic, Trump turned to his advisors and said “Is that true?”  After a moment of whispered consultation Stephen Miller, visibly red in the face, stated.  “I think you will find that the President’s assertions in this matter are 100 percent correct and his judgement will not be challenged!”

“Then, after the game,” the President said, “we’ll see how things go.  We might play some Ping-Pong or, if we’re too tired, we’re gonna settle in and watch a Kung Fu marathon.  I’ve got the whole series on DVD.”

Asked when they would get to the delicate business of negotiating the nation’s, somewhat strained, relationship with the People’s Republic of China, a rival nuclear power and fierce economic competitor, Trump waved it off.  “We’ll get to that,” he said. The President then detailed his negotiation icebreaking plans.  “For the first half hour,” Trump said, “anything that Jinping says, anything at all, I’m just gonna shout out ‘in bed’ after he says it!  That should really loosen things up.”

 

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Nunes to Investigate Presidential Approval Rating Fraud

Former Trump campaign advisor and, rigorously impartial, chair of the House Intelligence Committee Devin Nunes, today announced a significant new track for the committee’s investigation into foreign interference in the U.S. political system.  Effective immediately the committee’s focus will shift to the possibility of Russian interference with the approval ratings of President Donald J. Trump.

This information was presented at a, hastily convened, press conference in a congressional stairwell.  “I have just been shown, by confidential sources inside the White House…and this has been corroborated by reputable contacts on Twitter…, evidence of a widespread campaign, by Russian intelligence agencies, to artificially depress the approval rating of our Commander in Chief, Donald J. Trump, in an attempt to delegitimize our most cherished Government institutions, and lessen our standing on the world stage.”

Asked to comment on the nature of the information, Nunes said.  “I cannot comment specifically, but I can say this.  In terms of these accusations, I think the Presidents, so called, approval numbers are evidence in themselves.”  In the most recent poll, the President’s approval rating stood at 38%, slightly up from a low of 35%. “These number defy credulity.  After having won the biggest electoral victory in history and having welcomed the largest inaugural audience of all time, we are now expected to believe that our President is less popular than traffic jams, root canals and hipsters?  I don’t think anyone can rationally believe that.”

When reminded that his claims about crowd size and electoral math were both provably false, Nunes responded, “I cannot comment further as these “facts” you are asserting are the subject of another, possibly related, investigation.”  Asked to clarify this, he stated, “Russian disinformation is a powerful thing.  Trust me, I know.  We will investigate any and all evidence suggesting collusion between government of Russia and members of the Democratic leadership and their efforts to destabilize our government by making our President appear to be ineffectual and disliked.”

When pressed to disclose what evidence he had seen to support these claims, Nunes said, “Let’s just say I’ve been hearing thing.  Big things.”  Hearing a noise in the stairwell, Nunes nervously looked over his shoulder and then continued, “Let me just say that I think the voting public will be surprised at what this committee, under my steady leadership, will turn up on this matter.  I want to assure the American People that this committee will not rest until it has come to a conclusion I am satisfied with.”

Asked about claims, raised by some Democrats, that the President is using unsubstantiated accusations such as these to distract attention from the ongoing investigation into his campaign team’s possible ties to Russia,  Nunes responded, “All such claims are being referred to the Secret Service for investigation, as should be all such attempts at character assassination.”

Facing a barrage of questions, Nunes then pushed past the assembled reporters saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tell the White House what the White House just told me.”

Asked for comment on these explosive allegations, press secretary Sean Spicer said, “It is White House policy never to comment on an ongoing investigation.  So all that I am able to say at this time is that it is all true and that the American people should be very upset that the Democrats would put our nation at risk by colluding with a sworn enemy to further their own political ambitions.”  As he sprinted for the door, Spicer then said, “And did I mention that Obama tapped the President’s phones?”

Reached for comment, Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence committee, said that he had been, thus far, unable to locate Nunes to discuss the evidence.  “We just don’t know where he is these days.  It’s almost like he’s hiding from us.”  Asked to comment on Russian involvement in President Trump’s historically low approval ratings, Schiff said.  “Oh, I think we can be pretty sure Russia had something to do with that.”

 

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Witches Against “Trump Hunt”

In a show of solidarity with President Donald J. Trump, after his comments condemning the “Russian witch hunt,” a representative of the Covenant of the Goddess, an organization representing practitioners of Neo-Paganism, came forward to condemn similar practices directed toward the President.

“We are heartened by the President’s support of our fellow witches, who are currently living on the run in Russia.” said Morgana Ravenwood, a spokesperson for the Covenant.  “We were both surprised and pleased to learn that the leader of the free world was so concerned about the plight of these brave souls, persecuted for their religious beliefs by the violent autocratic regime of Vladimir Putin.  We hereby join with him in condemning this Russian Witch Hunt!”

In a recorded statement issued via YouTube, Ms. Ravenwood said. “We at the Covenant of the Goddess stand against persecution in all of its various forms and therefore must condemn, in the strongest terms the Trump Hunt being undertaken by the media and law enforcement organizations within this country.  Our bill of rights guarantees freedom of religion for all, regardless of belief system.  Though many of Mr. Trump’s beliefs, such as that climate change is a myth, or that he won the popular vote, may seem bizarre to the witches of my coven, we believe that his right to hold such beliefs must be vigorously defended.  If the President truly believes for instance, in the existence of alternative facts, or that Democrats are to blame for the AHCA failure, we must support his right to believe these things, regardless of how ridiculous they seem to my fellow worshippers of the Triple Goddess.  The bedrock of our belief system is tolerance and acceptance, traits that, I am certain, are embodied by our current President.”

Asked if the President had viewed the statement, press secretary Sean Spicer stated that the President “viewed the first few seconds but, as he is a busy man and as he rated Ms. Ravenwood as no higher than a four, he moved on.”  He then criticized several female reporters for taking notes “with an attitude” and left the room in a huff.

Former Delaware congressional candidate, and witchcraft dabbler, Christine O’Donnell broke her silence and chimed in on Twitter.  “I’m still not a witch,” she said “But if they don’t worship Hecate, they are heathens. If Trump goes along he could start to lose.  Badly”

Secretary of education Betsy Devos, was quoted as saying.  “Witches?  Are they the ones with the pointy hats, or the female dogs?  I always get them confused.”

Asked how President Trumps policies align with the ideals of a religious organization that focuses on empowering women and protecting the environment, Ms. Ravenwood said  “I haven’t really studied all of his policy positions but, how bad could he be?  It’s not like he’s going to dismantle the EPA or brag about sexually assaulting women, is he?”

 

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Trump to Nunes: “Intelligence is Overrated”

In a closed door meeting with Rep. Devin Nunes and several other assistants, sources confirm that President Donald J. Trump vented his frustrations with the intelligence community and their ongoing probe into possible Russian collusion with his election campaign.

“These intelligence people think they know everything.”  the President stated, “Well they don’t!  Intelligence is overrated!”

Nunes, the chair of the House Intelligence Committee and, as previously reported, a fair and impartial arbiter of the facts, appears to have taken the President’s words to heart. Immediately after the meeting, Nunes called a halt to all further investigations and advised the committee that, until further notice, no decisions will be made based on intelligence.  He then gave a, hastily assembled, press conference announcing his plans to re-brand his task force as the “House Surety Committee.”

“I think you will agree” Nunes said, “that this name change now more accurately reflects the direction this committee will be taking, under my guidance.  The President assured me today,” he continued, revealing further details of his private conversation, “that it has always been his policy never to overestimate American Intelligence.  I think truer words have never been spoken.”

Emboldened by positive response on Capitol Hill, the President decided to go public with his pronouncement. “Intelligence is overrated!” he tweeted, “These people see things but Just. Don’t. Get. It.”

His words were immediately embraced by his supporters. Republicans in congress, who have long railed against the obtrusiveness of intelligence into peoples lives, celebrated the message.  Fox News immediately redoubled their efforts in their, long running and extremely successful, “War On Intelligence” campaign.  The Trump campaign immediately began issuing products bearing the 2020 campaign slogan:

Others were not so pleased at the President’s pronouncement.  Senator Bernie Sanders, of Vermont said, “I believe that those possessing intelligence should be treated more seriously in this country. Certainly more so than they were during the last campaign.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, reached for comment shortly after the President’s “Intelligence is overrated!” tweet, seemed somewhat despondent.  “While I, as always, agree with the President, I now face the difficult task of finding a replacement slogan for the Department of Education.”

 

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