With just a week to go before the event, Turmoil has engulfed the Capitol city, as controversy and partisan rancor cloud the run up to, that most cherished of annual traditions, the Easter Ethics Hunt.
The beloved event, in which members of the dueling political parties scramble to find any vestiges of ethics within the confines of Washington, D.C., is facing new hurdles as party infighting has complicated the process of candidate selection. In previous years there have been few contenders for the task, which provides modest bragging rights to the candidate who is able to scrounge up the most traces of the, exceedingly rare, element, and awards the victorious party with the dubious distinction of most ethical in Washington. But in this contentious and scandal ridden season, rising above even this, admittedly, low bar has risen in importance.
The squabble to be the low standard bearer began early. On the Democratic side, Senator Bernie Sanders seemed to enjoy the most popular and enthusiastic support. But the DNC, citing its superior knowledge of the playing field, felt differently and proceeded to bend the rules. As a result of their manipulation, it now appears that their team will instead be represented by an overprogrammed automaton which they have given the odd name of Benthir Dunthat. This has divided the base of the party and threatens to greatly reduce turnout of the cheering section necessary to push the candidate across the finish line.
The DNC is standing firmly behind its decision, however, as they are certain that their robotic candidate, despite its tonedeafness, stiff demeanor and slow responsiveness, has all the requisite tools to win, considering the caliber of the competition. A spokesman for the DNC said “With our technological advantage, there is no way we can lose. Unless the software gets hacked or something, but how likely is that?”
On the Republican side, the bench is somewhat deeper, but there is no lack of scandal associated with the process. Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, was once considered the front runner but was forced to recuse himself from the hunt after it was revealed that he had been leaking false ethics information to the press in an effort to distract the judges and give his side an edge.
After Nunes sudden ouster, all Republican eyes were trained on the White House as it was hoped that, perhaps, the President or one of his close associates could take the lead in this prestigious contest. But, after a round of preliminary testing, in which an ethics sample was placed at various locations in the west wing, it soon became clear that while no one in the President’s circle seemed able to recognize the substance, they did display an almost preternatural ability to avoid encountering it in any of its forms. “It was extraordinary.” said the agent in charge of the testing. “Even if they accidentally stumbled upon some ethics, they would discard it immediately to pursue their agenda.” It was clear that no ethical responsibility could be placed on the White House.
In the aftermath of this failure, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell decided to throw his hat in the ring. He addressed the assembled majority and made his case. He should lead the ethics hunt, as he was clearly the purest and most ethical member of the Senate. Some thirteen hours later, when the laughter had finally ceased, McConnell introduced a motion to change the contest bylaws so that he could appoint himself. As of this writing, that vote is still underway.
A week away from the event, neither side seems to have a viable candidate for the search. Tragic as this might seem, however, the consequences of this failure may not be as dire as one would expect. “We don’t want to see too crowded a field.” an event organizer stated, on condition of anonymity. “After all, last years contestants are still out there. It seems that, after an entire year scouring the halls of government, they have been unable to find a trace of ethics anywhere.”
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