The White House today released a statement announcing that President Donald J. Trump had now concluded his annual 100 Day winter vacation and was now officially prepared to take up his duties as Commander in Chief.
“The President wishes to acknowledge that it has been a long and hard winter.” Said press secretary Sean Spicer, “But now that spring has arrived and the climate is finally tolerable to him, the President intends to finally come to Washington and begin the good work he promised to take on when he was sworn in, in front of record breaking crowds on that, uncomfortably cold and blustery, day in January.”
Spicer continued, “Now that he is back from this, long planned, vacation and sufficiently rested from the exertions of last fall where he, through sheer force of will, changed the very face of politics in winning by the largest electoral margin in the history of this or any republic, he is now ready to begin the, exceedingly simple, task of keeping all, some or at least one of the promises from his hundred day pledge.”
Addressing an increasingly skeptical press corps, Spicer said. “The President is, of course, aware that things have not gone swimmingly during his, well earned, three month vacation. This is the danger of delegation. The people he carefully vetted, sometimes giving them more than two or three minutes of consideration, have not performed their required tasks up to the President’s exacting standards. Not to mention the ‘low energy’ people he has had thrust upon him by the vagaries of the electoral process. Paul Ryan, for instance, was assigned the important job of carrying the President’s water and has, instead, spilled it all over the House floor, utterly overwhelming the swamp drain we had recently installed. Devin Nunes, quote, ‘wimped out, and recused himself rather than continue his important work obstructing justice and has therefore caused numerous public relations issues affecting the President and his most important allies and finally, to quote the President, ‘My press secretary couldn’t lie his way out of a speeding ticket. Sad!'” Spicer paused and looked around nervously for a moment, then began shuffling papers. “I…uh…I think I may have the wrong statement here.”
“Nonetheless,” Spicer continued, gaining steam, “the President wants to assure the American People that he is now rested and ready to begin the work you voted for him to do, that of dismantling the government, taking healthcare away from millions of Americans ,and generally lowering the level of public discourse. With his firm hand now on the wheel, you will not believe the ‘hugely great’ progress he will make before leaving for his fall vacation, when the weather gets too cold. So for this next hundred days and change he intends to work as hard as he ever has, fighting for what he really believes in, which is…” Spicer began to shuffle through papers again. “Uh…I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
Asked who, if the President was really vacationing, was doing all the photo ops, signing of executive orders and giving rambling interviews to the AP, Spicer looked confused. “Wait, that really happened? I thought that was Alec Baldwin.”
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