In what has been hailed as the event of the summer season, the two brightest lights in the conservative firmament, President Donald J. Trump and Fox News’ shining star Bill O’Reilly have announced that they will be pairing up for a multi-city bus tour, sharing their personal magnetism and unique take on conservative values in college towns all over the country.
The “raucous road trip,” tentatively titled the “Tic Tac Tour,” started out as a combination book tour and community service project, promoting O’Reilly’s latest meditation on traditional values “Old School” and satisfying certain legal mandates imposed upon the Fox News Star by an unfair judiciary. When President Trump, seeking some time away from his onerous schedule of late night tweeting and golfing weekends, heard that his old friend was planning to eat up some of Trump’s coverage time, the President couldn’t wait to join in on the fun.
“It’s gonna be unbelievable!” The President said, in a joint news conference with O’Reilly, announcing the tour. “The two of us, up close and personal. I promise you will see a side of us that very few people have seen before.” He laughed and smacked O’Reilly playfully on the shoulder. “Only about five in your case, right? Small time.”
O’Reilly shrugged this off, saying “On this tour, we will teach all the Snowflakes out there how to stand up and be real men. But this tour is really about the ladies. We’re really interested in connecting with the young girls out there. The ones who might be feeling lost, unsure how to succeed in this difficult economy. We want to share the benefit of our experience, to show them the tips and tricks they need to stand out among the crowd.”
The tour stops will involve books signings, rallies and a lecture series aimed at female fans. Topics range from “Don’t Talk, Just Listen” which is, according to O’Reilly, about the importance of learning from others, “No is a No-No,” which is a slight variation on “never take no for an answer” and “Never speak up” which apparently has something to do with keeping your voice low so they have to move in close to hear you. In addition, some select evenings will feature the comedic stylings of Bill Cosby and meditations on the sanctity of marriage from Baptist Preacher and former Alabama Governor Robert Bentley.
After the lectures comes the real treat for fans of these charming confabulators. Extended handshake sessions, or “group gropes” as the president laughingly refers to them, will be followed by a Q and A session. Then, using a scientific ranking system based on an aggregate of data about personality, intelligence, inquisitiveness and character, each attendee will be assigned a rating from one to ten and the highest ranked women (“no dudes please” said O’Reilly “This is all about the ladies”) will be invited for one on one sessions with one or the other of these culture crusaders. Those not lucky enough to make the cut should not be too disappointed, however. Bill O’Reilly reserves the right to call any of the participants, any time he is in need of relaxation.
These one on one sessions, which could last well into the night, will take place on, the centerpiece of the tour, a magnificent, highly secure and soundproofed, palace on wheels, with the endearingly French name of “Wagon a Chatte.” This means, according to the President, “Something about cats. Bill-O and I, we both really love cats and we hope to have a lot of them on the bus with us.”
Tickets to this, once in a lifetime event are expected, regrettably, to be very high, due both to the extensive security required, and the 13 million dollar settlement Mr. O’Reilly needs to pay from the proceeds. Fans need not be scared away because of a high price tag, though. Many promotions, such as “bikini night” and “half off for college age daughters,” will be offered to make it affordable.
Advance ticket orders are already underway. So if you want to, as the early promotional materials suggest, “Party like it’s 1961 with America’s two favorite rich white septuagenarians,” it may be advisable to act soon. As for the two outsized personalities who will be headlining, they appear to be very excited about the road ahead. Asked, though, if they anticipate any problems sharing the limelight, the President laughed off all such suggestions. “We have a system worked out. If there is a red handkerchief hanging from the doorknob, you are not supposed to go in. But I will anyways, because I’m President and that means they let you do anything.”
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