By M.J. Frost
Following his announcement that his administration will sharply reduce the size of two national monuments in Utah, President Donald Trump announced he will expand his public park and monument contraction effort under a new program called “Protected to Plazas.”
“The liberals tried to take away U.S. History by removing Confederate monuments,” ranted Trump in another one of his early morning Twitter tantrums. “I’m turning the tables by taking away nature.”
Trump signed proclamations severely reducing the borders of Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante – both massive areas of land protected through the actions of former presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama – by 84 and 50 percent, respectively.
“They’re doing nothing with the land in those preserves. NOTHING,” he tweeted. “It just sits there. What we should be preserving is the profits we can make from these lands. Possibly in the Donald J. Trump foundation’s charitable coffers”
In a follow up tweet, the President unveiled his basic vision. “Take away the p from preserve, you get reserve. As in make reservations. Greatest courses and restaurants in the world. The greatest!”
The President has proposed redevelopment of the lands to be removed from the monuments. Golf courses, casinos, theme parks and more golf courses were already in the design stages.
“Undeveloped park land is wasted land,” he tweeted. “That’s land that could easily be put on the tax rolls. If there’s a lake, there’s got to be oil in there somewhere.”
Recently discovering Twitter’s expansion of available characters per posting, he unfortunately continued.
“The Democrats want to leave the land, lakes and trees alone because they don’t have any ideas, and they don’t want me to get credit for the redevelopment that will make it huge.”
“Lot of people are telling me this. Lots of people. Spas, not spruces!”
“Drain the swamp! And then drain the lake! #MAGA.”
Trump is said by White House sources to be planning an overhaul of numerous national monuments. Washington Monument, for example, is slated to be reduced by at least two-thirds to eradicate what one anonymous source hinted was a feeling of “envy” by the standing president.
The hands of Lincoln Memorial, meanwhile, are being reconstructed and scaled downward.
There are also plans in the works to re-carve Mount Rushmore into a motif, tentatively titled “The Phases of Trump,” chronicling his evolution as a real estate mogul to failed football owner to reality television host to President of the United States.
He has also reportedly offered to fund the launch of a new monument paying homage to fellow Republicans accused of sexual misconduct. It is said to be a bronze statue of a young girl in comely attire with the working title of “Statutory Sally.”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter